Chapter 26: Twin Falls Not-a-Hideaway

I immediately discovered that Starshrooms make much slower time traveling around the universe than Starship Mario. At length, I decided to try out the Cosmic Cove Galaxy and see what garbage awaited me there.

Unfortunately, Bartholomew told me it would take no less than ten hours to get there in the Starshroom, meaning it would be an overnight trip. Before turning in for the night, the Toads entertained themselves with all sorts of ridiculous things. They ate. They played "Four-Toad Solitaire" (which was completely ridiculous, and they were prepared to go for "Five-Player Solitaire" before I backed out), stared out the window at the never-ending void of outer space, and not much else. I looked out the window too, but my only thoughts were a) where was Peach?, and b) where was the Murk?

About two hours later, I was bored and not at all sleepy, so I picked up this week's issue of The Galaxy Times, which was lying around inside the Starshroom. The front-page headline declared "MUSHROOM CITY-DWELLING MILLIONAIRE JAY GATSHROOM ASSASSINATED BY 'BLUE COWBOY,' WITNESSES SAY!"

What the-? Jay Gatshroom was killed? He was that Toad who kept trying to get Daisy to fall in love with him a couple years back. Through sheer luck he won the lottery and tried to win over Daisy with his newfound wealth, but then found that Sarasaland was hideous in his opinion and promptly called off the relationship. And now he was killed…wait a minute, isn't Blue Cowboy one of the Village Toads? Gosh, why the heck did a successful singer like him turn to a life of crime?

A few hours later, when I was trying to get to sleep, the other Toads were keeping me awake. All of them – Every. Single. One. Of. Them. – SNORED! Yellow Toad was even worse, because he was sleep-talking to himself. Granted, this was slightly amusing because his garbled mutterings were something about ramming the Starshroom into giant Bowser's junk, but it was simultaneously annoying because it was keeping me awake.

In the morning, the Starshroom finally arrived at the Cosmic Cove Galaxy. Apparently, the first mission was titled "Twin Falls Hideaway." Sounds like the name of some lame love song about two lovers hiding out in a "Twin Falls Hideaway."

I landed on a beach on a planet that looked to be mostly water, but the beach and one section of water were surrounded by tall rocks. There was no way to get off the beach…except by swimming. Come on! I'm wearing a tux here, people! I don't want to get my tux wet!

Standing on the beach nearby was…ugh, the Penguins' Coach. I'm always wary of this guy – he gives off an even sleazier vibe than Waluigi.

"Oh, hey there!" he called to me. "Everyone is out doing their swimming drills right now."

I then noticed a Koopa on the far side of the beach. "Uh, why the heck did you let that vermin on the beach?" I asked the Coach.

"Oh, he's not bothering anyone."

Yeah, the dangerous ones never do! They always fool everyone into thinking, "Oh, he's not dangerous," or, "Oh, he wouldn't hurt a fly," or, "Oh, he never bothers anyone; he's so quiet and reserved." Either that, or this Koopa's spying on the goings-on here, because spies never talk either when they're on assignment.

Well, that idiot wasn't gonna be spying on me. I ran over and Star-Spun into him, the picked up his shell. Hmm…well, there was another one of those stupid TVs from Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla here. Should I destroy it by throwing the Koopa shell at it before it could insult me? Probably not a good idea, given that it was right on the shore. The last thing I needed was it flying into the lake, live wires and all, and electrifying the water. Then I'd have no way off this godforsaken beach.

So instead I took the shell with me underwater, remembering that for some reason, holding a shell helped me swim better in my first galactic adventure. This was brilliant; I'd have to get my tux drenched. Tuxes are not meant to get drenched! They're meant to be treated with the utmost respect and not burned, thrown in the trash, etc. In fact, I'm pretty sure Peach decreed last year that special facilities would be established around the Mushroom Kingdom that you'd have to go to in the future for tuxes to be properly disposed of.

A Penguin ahead of me swam over and said, "Press A to swim!"

Um…could he not see that I was already swimming?! These annoying, minor creatures always think they're so, so helpful, but they're NOT! Annoying minor…I think that's what I'm gonna collectively call creatures like Penguins and those illiterate bobbleheads. A-minor creatures.

I continued on, and then saw these strange creatures on the seafloor. They looked like large pair of eyes on spherical red-and-blue heads atop long, pale green tubes. What the heck were these things? They didn't really look like actual tube worms, but they looked a heck of a lot more like what I'd imagine if I heard the words "tube worms" than what actual tube worms look like. Okay, fine, I guess I'm gonna be calling these things Tube Worms then. I couldn't tell if the strange things were supposed to be enemies or not, but they didn't bother me as long as I stayed near the surface. Not to mention they disappeared if I hit them with the light that inexplicably emerges from underwater Koopa shells.

That's confused me since my first galactic adventure: why the heck did shells emit light when they were underwater? I mean, they never did it on land. One time, I even thought to look straight down the shell's neck hole because I thought the bright sunlight might've just been "hiding" the beam of light. There was no light to be seen inside, but I got a face full of Koopa when the menace decided to reemerge from his shell as I was peering into it.

After swimming a bit more and encountering more A-minor Penguins, I found a Sling Star underwater. Yay, maybe it would take me out of this lake.

Well, it sorta did, but the universe has a way of making my wishes come true in a way that involves bare minimum effort on its part and does nothing to satisfy me. This time, it was by catapulting me into the air to collect a bunch of Star Bits, but then having me come back down exactly where I'd launched from. However, while I was in the air, I got a look at what was ahead. After an upcoming area where the water presumably went under a large rock formation was another large lake. Above the right side of it was a pair of small, floating islands, each with a waterfall sprouting from it. And coming from them was the glow of a Power Star.

Wait, hold up, was that this mission's titular "Twin Falls Hideaway"? It was clearly in plain view of the entire lake, so would someone please explain to me how that constitutes a "hideaway"?

Great; more absurdity. Just what my day needed to make it even better.

I grabbed another shell off a ledge above the water, as I had lost my original one when I entered the stupid, useless Sling Star. I ended up going through an underwater tunnel that led to the lake and passed underneath the large rock formation. Inhabiting said tunnel were a bunch more Tube Worms, but this time I couldn't pass too far around them. Because of this, if I didn't hit them with the light from my shell, they engaged in the obnoxious practice of leaning towards me. But this was just annoying, and they were still easy to dodge. Like Bloopers in Mario Kart: their ink is annoying, but does nothing to harm you. I mean, seriously. Their ink doesn't even completely blind you. You can still stay on the track fine – the worst the ink does is hide a Banana Peel or something. But for some strange reason, every other character in the race starts swerving around like they just got their eyes gouged out. Granted, that works in my favor, but still, it makes no sense.

Then, as I was about to enter the lake, another menace appeared before me: a Porcupuffer. Not one of the squinty-eyed monstrosities from my Super Mario World days, though. I wouldn't have even known it was a Porcupuffer if not for the BOMKS declaring that to be the case after they appeared in my first galactic adventure.

I swam up to dodge the Porcupuffer, and then found myself in the main lake. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a nice-looking place. There were arches and other formations of coral, some seaweed and fish, and, for some strange reason, a mostly submerged tower. Was that supposed to be a prison like the structures in the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy? If I looked inside, I'd probably find a Cheep-Cheep that was locked up for peeing in Bowser's jacuzzi or something. And on the surface of the lake were several small, wooden islands.

I headed for a "?" Coin, and a string of coins emerged from it…ish. The "string" was only six coins long, so I hesitated to even call it a "string." Well, this looked stupid, so I didn't even bother collecting the coins.

I grabbed another shell off the seafloor and headed into a small cave, where I found another Star Coin, which I grabbed. Not sure why the heck I did it since they're pointless, but…what the heck, I like shiny things. Call me Wario. I don't care.

Hanging out elsewhere in the lake was what looked to be a Jellyfish. These creatures appeared in the report the BOMKS issued on Super Mario Galaxy, but I never ran into them, so I guess they appeared in one of the missions I never completed. The name made no sense, just like the iteration of the Porcupuffer from that same adventure, because they looked nothing like the Jellyfish from my previous adventures.

Nearby, I found another Sling Star. I got in, hoping it would take me up to the "Twin Falls Hideaway" that was almost directly overhead.

Did it?

NOOOOOOOOPE!

Instead, it catapulted me back to the far side of the lake, right next to the partly sunken tower. While I was at the surface, I surveyed my surroundings, since this was the first time I had surfaced for more than a second to refill on air. One of the wooden islands was home to a Hungry Luma (UGH!) waving COIN BATONS, so I guess those six coins I passed on underwater would've proven useful after all. On another island was Penguru, but I was steering well clear of him after he wronged me in the Hightail Falls Galaxy.

Then, of course, there was the tower itself, which seemed to have some sort of switch atop it. Hmm. Maybe that would make an Ice Flower appear, and then I'd use it to wall-jump up the twin falls like I had to do to get the Secret Star in the Beach Bowl Galaxy during my first galactic adventure.

I climbed atop the tower, and was greeted by a Penguin. But instead of saying, "Oh, hi, Mario! Thank you for blessing us lowly, undeserving creatures with your presence! We Penguins love you!" he whined, "Aww…. I'm sick of swimming all the time. Is it ice-skating season yet?"

No, you rude little jerk, it is not ice-skating season! And you mean to tell me there's a Penguin that doesn't like swimming? Gimme a break.

I leapt atop the switch and ground-pounded on it. Suddenly, the entire surface of the lake turned to ice. Including the waterfalls. Well, this was decidedly better than an Ice Flower! Now I didn't have to worry about the effects of the switch wearing off.

At least, I hoped I didn't. Probably better to get going right away just in case.

I took off skating across the ice, but then Penguru took it upon himself to talk to me again. "Oho! That waterfall there…. Are you the one responsible for freezing it?" he asked. "You must have faith in your wall-jump technique, eh?"

Oh my gosh, nobody flippin' says "Oho!" And really? He was standing right here and still had no idea I was the one who froze the lake? Either he's completely stupid or completely self-absorbed. My money's on, like, a 60/40 split, with stupidity having the higher percentage.

I skated towards the twin falls, but then saw a ledge with a pipe on it off to the side, near where the giant Jellyfish was underwater. Should I…? Come to think of it, I didn't hear a ticking timer indicating that the water would eventually unfreeze, so what the heck? Maybe Peach was actually down there, in the most inconspicuous place possible.

So I went down the Warp Pipe, and I was sorely disappointed. Peach wasn't there. No, the only things there were three giant dice on which it looked like I had a 50% chance of rolling either a 1-Up Mushroom, or one measly, pathetic Star Bit. I Star-Spun into the dice and, as expected given my luck, walked away with three more Star Bits. This was absurd. For crying out loud, I get three Star Bits for putting in less work every time I take out a Goomba.

I left the pipe room very discontented, and then continued over to the twin falls. Wall-jumping up them went off without a hitch, and then I arrived at the top. The top area looked like something straight out of the Sky Station Galaxy, with grassy ground, flowers, and both "islands" bordered by white picket fences, so what exactly they were doing here was beyond me. The whole rest of the galaxy was underwater, and then…floating sections of grass. Weird. Then again, hardly the weirdest thing I've encountered of late, so whatever.

On the left island was a crystal containing the Power Star, so I Star-Spun into it twice. It shattered open and the Power Star floated to the right island. Really? I mean, I get I'm nitpicking at this point, but that's unnecessary work for both the Power Star and me: the Power Star having to float over there, and me having to follow it over there. Anyway, I grabbed the Power Star to complete the mission.

I returned to the Starshroom and landed atop it, where the Toad Brigade was waiting for me, looking afraid. "What the heck are you scared of?" I asked.

Bartholomew pointed behind me, and I turned to see what he was looking at.

Oh.

Starship Mario was coming.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed these three chapters! I might not update this again for a little while, because I'm trying to coordinate a crossover between this and another one of my fanfics, and I need to work on the other one some more (said crossover was already sorta foreshadowed in this chapter…spoiler alert: the "Blue Cowboy Assassin" wasn't from the Village Toads). Anyway, please R&R!

Next up: Starship Mario vs. the Starshroom, "The Great Crate Incinerator," and "Silver Stars in Hightail Falls"!