Chapter 34: New Fight, Old(?) Boss
"So Lakitu, how am I supposed to get in this cage here to get to the Launch Star?" I asked.
"By having Yoshi shoot a Spiny at it," Lakitu said.
"Yeah, but Yoshi isn't here."
"Yeah he is. There." Lakitu pointed to the Yoshi egg closest to us.
"That's what I told him," the Luma, who was obviously eavesdropping on our conversation, said. The Luma then whispered, "And Lakitu…it restores my faith in the universe to see minions of Bowser see the error of their ways."
He was clearly getting a bit ahead of himself there, but I didn't bother saying anything. More importantly…. "Okay, now I will show you BOTH that there is no Yoshi in this egg," I said. I Star-Spun the egg open and….
What the flip?!
Lo and behold, Yoshi popped out. Wait a minute; he was probably just some other generic green Yoshi. Yeah, this was all just reaffirming my "There Is No One True Yoshi Who Has Been with Me All Along" theory.
"See? Yoshi," the Luma and Lakitu both said.
"No, a Yoshi," I corrected. Then I asked the Yoshi, "You. Who are you?"
"Your pal Yoshi," he warbled.
"No, you're a Yoshi, but 'my pal Yoshi' is back on Starship Mario. So who are you?"
"Well, I am him, but…it's kinda hard to explain. It's like a split screen in movies. Half of me is here in the Yoshi Star Galaxy, and half of me is back on Starship Mario. I've got Lubba restrained with my tongue, and we're trying to trap him belowdecks somewhere. Mailtoad is trying to find that Interceptor thing."
"Wait, you're restraining Lubba?!" the Luma squealed. "How dare you! He is the greatest freedom fighter known to Lumakind! He stands at the forefront of our resistance against Bowser's hostile takeover of the universe!"
Yeah, that wasn't pre-memorized.
"You will pay for your crimes against Lubba!" the Luma continued. He flew at me, but Lakitu got in the way. "Go, Mario!" he said. "I'll deal with this Luma."
I had Yoshi grab a nearby Spiny, and then spit it out at the cage. As Lakitu said would happen, it shattered, and the Launch Star was freed. I looked back to see Lakitu seemingly winning the battle with the Luma. It seemed like he was enjoying beating up the Luma a bit too much for a legit defector. Then again, if I had the chance to go completely off the rails on Lubba, I doubt it would look much prettier.
"Wait, aren't you gonna help me?" Lakitu called as Yoshi and I neared the Launch Star.
"Uh, no, you told us to go," I said.
"Well, that was with the expectation that you'd decide to be a hero and stay with me anyway!"
Alright, screw helping this guy escape. Real defector, not a real defector, I really didn't care anymore; I didn't want to be around anyone who would pull that sort of mind trick nonsense on me.
"Well, uh, adios muchachos," I said as Yoshi and I got in the Launch Star.
"Get back heeeeeeeere!" Lakitu called after us.
And as Yoshi and I flew past the volcano, it erupted once again. What was with all these fake eruptions? Somehow the volcano blows up but no lava comes from it? I'm no expert on geometry, geology, whatever the rock one is, but I know for a fact that when a volcano erupts, by golly, there's gonna be a corresponding explosion of lava! This was just absurd.
Anyway, Yoshi and I landed on the next planet, which was mostly grassy, with three cages set out from the far end of it. And the central cage had a Luma captured in it. Go figure. And furthermore, what was patrolling the far end of the grassy section but a Spiny and another Lakitu. Yippee, another flippin' Lakitu.
Upon closer inspection, I saw that the other two cages contained Star Bits. Yeah, no way was I wasting my time on a few Star Bits. Granted, I was low on them after that Game Over in the Wild Glide Galaxy, but wasting time on just a few? No way.
"Oh no," Yoshi said. "Red Luma's blasting me with the Starship's hose. I'm retracting my tongue and closing my mouth to keep from drowning. Lubba's going free."
Leave it to Yoshi to be selfish and put not wanting to drown ahead of keeping Lubba contained.
"For the record, that Luma's name is Polari clone," I said. "Red Luma is Lubba's name for him, and I have forsaken all things Lubba. Now let's be quiet about this until that Luma over there turns into a Launch Star for us like I'm thinking he'll do. We don't want him going crazy and then I have to ground-pound him into a Launch Star."
"That's horrible."
"Speaking from experience, it works."
Yoshi ate the Spiny that was wandering around the planet and took aim at the Luma's cage. But before Yoshi could shoot the Spiny, the Lakitu floated over and said, "Oi, oi, oi! I'm Lakitu! And I just have to tell you that I'm defecting from the Koopa Troop. Would you please help me get out of here?"
What the-? Aha! Neither this Lakitu nor the previous one was really defecting! It's never a coincidence when two of Bowser's minions supposedly defect on the same day, let alone two minions of the same species. The last time that happened was when the aforementioned trio of Goombas tried to dupe us all. Looks like I made the right move leaving that Lakitu behind on the first planet, and I guess that explains why he wasn't pulling any punches against the Luma.
"I'm not buying that for a second," I said. "You aren't really defecting. You're just trying to trick me, and then you're gonna hijack one of the Launch Stars or something and lure me to some dark corner of the galaxy and skin me or gut me or bring about some other horrible demise for me."
"You're surprisingly insightful and accurate," the Lakitu said.
Okay, that's scary.
"But since that won't work now, time to Spiny you instead."
Oh. My. GOSH! Spiny is not a VERB!
Yoshi shot the Spiny he ate at the Luma's cage, shattering it, as another Spiny landed next to us. But then Lakitu turned to the Luma and said, "You're not going anywhere. King Bowser's orders."
Yoshi ate the new Spiny and shot it right into Lakitu's shell. Strangely, his cloud vaporized even though the Spiny completely missed it, and Lakitu was hurled into the…sky? That didn't sound right, but the sky was all around the planet, so….
The Luma said, "Thank you!" and floated over to me and Yoshi, then turned into a Launch Star. We got in and continued on…ish.
High above the planet was a Launch Star hovering in midair that Yoshi and I were heading for. Oh gosh, I forgot all about these things from my first galactic adventure. They served no real purpose beyond potentially sending me to some stupid, pointless, waste-of-time planet. And I couldn't remember what would send me to said planet: ignoring the Launch Star or using it to redirect myself.
Man, this was gonna be a crapshoot at best.
At the last second, I decided to continue through the Launch Star and see where Yoshi and I ended up. We landed on a stone planet with a few ledges that Yoshi would have to haul out like on the final planet of "Saddle up with Yoshi," a couple Spinies, another Lakitu, and (surprise surprise) another caged Launch Star. Come to think of it, if Bowser's as smart as he claims to be, why didn't he just cage a Launch Star somewhere in "Peewee Piranha's Temper Tantrum"? I would've had no way of completing that mission, and thus never would've been able to access "Storming the Sky Fleet." Then, even if I completed both missions in the Yoshi Star Galaxy, I wouldn't have enough Power Stars to make it past the very first Star Barrier. Granted, there's supposedly a shunpike around the Star Barrier, but I didn't learn about shunpikes until the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, or encounter the Toad Brigade at all until the Spin-Dig Galaxy. So I never would've learned about them, and thus would've been hopelessly stuck at the start of World 1.
Yeah. IQ of 289 my ass.
The Lakitu floated over to us again, and I had no doubt what he was gonna say. "Dude, save your breath!" I yelled at him. "I know you're gonna fake that you're defecting from the Koopa Troop, and then trick me into following you somewhere and somehow kill me there."
"I was specifically instructed to stuff a Spiny Egg down your throat," the Lakitu said.
"You idiot, I Spiny Egg cannot fit down a person's throat!"
"Can't it?"
…Dear God, this guy was scaring me.
I had Yoshi first pull out one of the ledges to let us to the higher area of the planet, then eat a Spiny. We hurried up the ledge, and Yoshi broke the Launch Star cage with the Spiny. Once we got in the Launch Star and were safely on our way to the next planet, I asked Yoshi, "What's happening now on Starship Mario?"
"Bad, bad, and more bad," Yoshi said. "Banktoad and I both got trapped in the bathroom by the Lumas, and I don't know what Mailtoad's status is. I think I hear some fighting going on, but it could just be water running through the pipes."
"And all this wouldn't have happened if you'd just kept your gosh dang mouth open to keep restraining Lubba."
"I would've drowned."
"Look, it's not on par with Iron Toad sacrificing himself at the end of Toad-vengers: Endgame, but it still would've been a heroic death."
"Lubba would've been freed anyway then, because once I died, my tongue would've gone slack."
…Okay, that's a fair point.
"Mario, are you capable of truly caring for anyone besides yourself?" Yoshi asked.
"Yes, I will have you knowing that I am," I said.
"Who?"
Rosalina. "That's none of your business. Or, you know what, I'll tell you that when you tell me why it takes you 45 flippin' minutes to take a dump in my bathroom each morning!"
"Mario, I've told you this. My doctor said that your toilet presents a hostile environment for my butt. The optimal toilet seat width for a Yoshi is 20.5 inches; yours is only 14 inches. Please stop making me…say that."
About halfway through that sad excuse for a conversation, we landed on the next planet, which had Power Star light coming from it. As soon as we landed, the sky got dark and stormy, which made me all but certain this place would involve a boss fight. Would Yoshi finally come with me to face the boss, unlike in Super Mario World when he chickened out of all the castle, fortress, and ghost house levels? Okay, so this level had something going for it.
Yoshi and I swung up to a higher section of the planet with, once again, those ridiculously sturdy flowers. And as soon as we landed in the grassy, circular area higher up, my fears of a boss fight were confirmed.
Something flew from the clouds, something that looked like a gigantic Dark Boo. What the heck was a Dark Boo doing there? I hadn't seen then since the days when I was made of paper. And for that matter, this wasn't a haunted galaxy, so what was a Dark Boo doing as the boss? I expected the boss would be a gigantic Spiny or something.
Then I realized it was not a Dark Boo, but a cloud that just happened to have the same purple complexion and yellow eyes as a Dark Boo. And then what popped from the cloud but a giant, overweight Lakitu. Oh, come on! The boss fight was against a Lakitu?!
Before he could say anything, I yelled at him, "I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DEFECTING FROM THE KOOPA TROOP!"
He chuckled, "I told Bowser that stupid plan of his wouldn't work. But since I guess you didn't fall for it, I am here now to end your miserable existence." Then the purple cloud shot out a bunch of lightning bolts.
Wait a minute…was this Lakithunder from New Super Mario Bros.? I mean, he looked quite a bit different, but it had been…what, nine years since we last met? So he put on some weight, ditched his sunglasses for regular ones, got a crown, somehow changed the color of his shell from black to red, and got a new cloud.
…I mean, there's been lot of shows where actor changes have never been explained in-universe, so I guess I'm just gonna have to throw some willing suspension of disbelief on this discrepancy.
Assuming this was Lakithunder then, I would have to be wary of lightning blasts and bouncing Spiny Eggs, then jump on his head when he swooped down low.
Okay, bring it on.
Well, right from the start, Lakithunder (again, assuming this is actually him) revealed that he had updated his battle strategy from our last encounter. He hovered several yards from the "arena" and threw a Spiny at us, but didn't come close or do his electric attack or anything. Great, how would I attack him? He could sure as heck attack me with Spinies, but how would I return the favor?
Aha…Yoshi probably had to eat the Spinies and shoot them back at him! "Yoshi, eat a Spiny and spit it at that guy's cloud so he'll fall," I ordered.
Yoshi grabbed the Spiny that Lakithunder had thrown and aimed it at the Lakitu. We waited for Lakithunder to stay still as he prepared his next Spiny, and then Yoshi shot the Spiny at Dark Boo the Cloud (DBC). It hit its target, but for some reason the cloud didn't dissipate. Lakithunder was thrown from it only to land right back in it again, albeit upside-down. Well, that was disappointing.
Then DBC started glowing lighter purple, and Lakithunder righted himself, then positioned DBC to the side of the arena. Then he steered DBC over the arena, punching the top of him to force a blast of electricity out the cloud's underside. Why the heck was DBC willingly working for this guy who was punching him repeatedly just to get some electricity out of him?
Yoshi and I easily dodged the attack, since DBC struck a straight path across the arena instead of homing n on us or anything. Next Lakithunder decided to throw two Spinies at us at a time instead of one. While this was a bit more annoying to contend with, it didn't really make anything harder, because he still moved at the same speed as last time. Yoshi ate one of the Spinies, threw it away, then ate the other one. "Aim for Lakithunder himself this time, not the cloud," I said. "Maybe he'll take more damage that way."
Take more damage he did not (seem to, at least), as he was catapulted into the air only to once more land safely in DBC, like last time.
Then both Lakithunder and DBC got mad. Lakithunder turned darker in color all over, while DBC started frowning instead of smiling. Granted, that could've just as easily been because Lakithunder concussed him with all those blows to the head, but I somehow doubted that.
After that, Lakithunder and DBC moved further away from the arena, and then Lakithunder switched to throwing two rounds of two Spinies. This was ridiculous! I had Yoshi eat one Spiny and then shoot it at another to take care of half of the problem, but the third Spiny rammed into us. Once again, I was flung off Yoshi, and once again, Yoshi started running around like he was crazy. Lakithunder then moved in close and dealt DBC another round of blunt force head trauma to attack me and Yoshi with lightning. Yoshi and one of the remaining Spinies were hit full-on with it and vaporized, while I managed to crawl out of the way. A few seconds later, Yoshi's egg appeared in the nest in the arena.
What the heck was up with Lakithunder killing his own minion there? Then again, this coming from the guy who advocated Yoshi taking one for the team by letting Polari clone drown him, so….
I hatched Yoshi again and quickly had him gobble up the one remaining Spiny. Lakithunder took aim at us again, and Yoshi shot the Spiny from his mouth. But since getting hit the second time, Lakithunder was moving faster too, and the Spiny missed him by a hair's width. Oh come on!
Lakithunder threw more Spinies at us, and then DBC blasted electricity at the arena again. This time Yoshi and I dodged it, and two Spinies were left. Yoshi ate one and shot it at Lakithunder and, in a stroke of incredible luck, the Spiny hit him! Yes!
At first I thought he wasn't done for, and that he was defying the standard "three-hits-to-defeat-a-boss" rule, because he just flew into the air and landed back in DBC upside-down again. Then DBC gave out under him and sent Lakithunder hurtling down. A few seconds later he apparently crashed into something, but that made absolutely no sense since there was nothing underneath us. Then a Power Star floated from where he fell and hovered above the arena, as the storm clouds vanished.
"Yoshi, how's the Lubba situation coming?" I asked. "Did Mailtoad destroy the Interceptor?"
"Yeah, but now he's imprisoned in the bathroom too," Yoshi said, "so I don't know what you'll be walking into when you get back to the Starship."
Well, stalling here wasn't gonna get anything done. Yoshi and I grabbed the Power Star, and I prepared to head back to Starship Mario.
A/N: I've got a quick announcement to make. For those of you who read my other Mario fanfic "Killer Mario," good news! I have an idea for another weekly Mario horror-comedy I'll be writing this October. The working title is "Mario and SonicEXE at the Olympic Games" (if you don't know what SonicEXE is, google it), and the title is pretty self-explanatory: SonicEXE terrorizes Mario and the other Mario/Sonic characters at the Olympics. But unlike "Killer Mario," it will be set in the canon of "Mario's Galactic Tale."
Please R&R!
Next up: "Bowser's Big Lava Power Party," more made-up enemy names, and stolen footwear!