Chapter 37: Rise of the Carpetmunchers
When I regenerated, I was…oh come on, NO! I was back at the checkpoint before the first set of Flomps! There was the Not-Toad Brigade off to the side again, taunting me with promises of one stupid, useless coin and threats of using outdated torture devices to dismember me.
I quickly checked my pockets and found that my shoes were still there, but the Dry Bones boots hadn't regenerated with me for some reason. I put my tux shoes back on for now and headed for the Flomps again.
But then the Not-Toad Brigade started playing dirty by taunting me as I tried to get across. I can't tell you who said what because they all sound the same and I was doing my best to ignore them by not looking in their direction.
"Looks like someone didn't get too far last time…."
"Those flipping panel-things are looking mighty angry…."
"We're gonna pull you apart – I mean, we're pulling for you…."
Fairly certain that last one was Not-Blue.
Once again, that stupid fireball between the second and third Flomps took me by surprise, which this time caused me to leap into the lava. I finally landed on the Hammer Bro. platform at one wedge of health. This was looking bad.
Against all odds, I dodged the pair of hammers thrown at me, which would usually be nothing celebration-worthy, but it always seems like just knowing I'm at one wedge of health screws up all my reflexes and junk. One would think it would sharpen my reflexes, but nope, that gift is never given to me.
Upon landing on the firebar platform again, I reconsidered the '?' Coin I had previously scoffed at. Last time I grabbed one, in the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, it made a bunch of coins appear. Maybe it would do the same here; I didn't want to be entering Flomp Area #2 at one wedge of health if it could at all be avoided.
I leapt atop the cylinder the firebars were rotating around and then grabbed the '?' Coin. A circle of regular coins appeared on the ground below, within the ring of the rotating firebars. I only bothered jumping between the firebars to grab two, not wanting to try for all of them and then shooting myself in the foot by losing a wedge(s) of health to the firebars.
Once again, I ground-pounded the switch on the wooden platform, Star-Spun the Dry Bones into a pile of bones, stole two of their boots, and then headed onto the Flomps. This time I didn't bother looking back since I knew the Dry Bones would reassemble, one of them footless, but my boots would stay with me.
Or…this time would they each have one boot?
No, no, NO, Mario, don't look back! That's what cost you a life last time!
I made it across the Flomps, only burning myself once as I jumped from the final Flomp to the Weasles Contamination Zone. Thank goodness Weasles isn't airborne, and it can only be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. Or, in this case, skin-to-stone contact.
The first Whomp was walking away from me when I landed on the platform, so I decided to sneak past him when he turned around at the other end of his patrol area.
That part of the plan worked fine, but I got a bit ahead of myself after that and headed into Biohazard Whomp #2's territory too soon. The stupid slab of stone saw me and started waddling towards me.
Oh crud.
I backed up as the Whomp fell towards me, thankfully not crushing me. Apparently no Weasles-contaminated rock dust hit me from the Whomp crashing to the ground, because the effects of Weasles are instantaneous: the second you come into contact with it is the second you turn into a giant weasel.
I just want to quickly address what exactly is meant by turning into a weasel, because I just realized you're probably thinking, "Oh, weasels are cute! Who wouldn't want to be a weasel?"
A-no. Weasles wouldn't be so bad if that was actually the case, but what it turns you into hardly looks like a weasel. I mean, you've got the general body shape and the fur and everything, but you end up looking more like one of those hideous monstrosities called Woozles from Winnie-the-Boo than an actual weasel.
Before he could get back up, I leapt onto the second Whomp's back and ran atop him before jumping back onto the main platform. Once I knew I was outside the area the second Whomp patrolled, I tore off the Dry Bones boots, hurled them into the lava, and then put my tux shoes back on. Ha! Weasles averted!
Next to me was a Luma who declared, "A meteorite! You can ground-pound it to break down the door! Ground-pound!"
Up ahead was the area with the glowing yellow orb that I had seen from the Dry Bones platform. But now I saw that in front of all that, floating between that area and the next huge lava planet, was a gigantic purple gate. In the center of the gate was a stone lock with Bowser's insignia on it, chained to three spiky structures hovering next to the gate itself.
Okay, so I was supposed to use a meteorite to break down the door, but where the flip was the meteorite? Was the yellow orb supposed to be the meteorite? That wasn't a meteorite; meteorites are the flaming rocks Bowser's airships shoot in place of cannonballs in my galactic adventures, for whatever reason. Or are those meteors…? Gosh dang it, I can never remember the difference between the two.
Upon closer inspection, the meteorite did have a ground-pound symbol on one side of it, and it felt like it was exerting some sort of gravitational pull. I tried jumping towards it, and lo and behold, I was suctioned to the meteorite.
I got on the side of it opposite the giant gate, and then ground-pounded it towards the gate. Unexpectedly, the meteorite went flying towards the gate, and I dropped back onto the stone/dirt area. The meteorite slammed into the stone lock, shattering both objects and causing the three chains to slacken. The gate burst open.
Well, that was stupid. There I was, hoping the meteorite would stay intact and I would stay on it as it smashed through the gates. Then I would go streaking through the galaxy, burning through the sky, yeah, two hundred degrees, that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit…sorry, went off on a tangent there. And then my meteorite would smash right into Bowser's face, a shooting star leaping through the sky, like a tiger defying the laws of gravity, I'm a racing car passing by…dang it, I did it again.
The next planet was…upside-down, from my perspective, and it looked to be continuing Bowser's decorating trend of green carpets on stone platforms above a sea of lava. Thankfully, there was another checkpoint ahead, so that was good.
But that still left the question of how to get through the gate.
And also why I hadn't seen any birthday party decorations yet, but that wasn't quite as important.
Suddenly, some sort of purple vortex emanated from the gate, and I got sucked in it. Was this like those funnels that got me between the elemental planets back in Bowser's Galaxy Generator from my previous space adventure?
Apparently so.
Partway through the funnel, I flipped upside-down so that I landed rightside-up on the next planet.
Well, just like happened when I first arrived on the previous giant lava planets, I made several observations right at the same time. So here they are one at a time.
First off, the path split, with one path going straight, and the other curving around the side of the planet to the right. Hmm…which way to go…?
Well, I couldn't tell what was down the right path, but looking down the left path segued into my second observation: a section up ahead was made entirely of carpet, with…a bunch of skulls chewing through it. I kid you not, there were skulls eating through the carpet. Was Bowser starving them or something and carpet was all they had left to eat? Now I almost felt bad for them.
Well, maybe there was a way to progress without tangling with the…Carpetmunchers, since it looked like underneath the carpet was a black hole. I could easily fall into it through the holes the Carptetmunchers left in their wakes. So I headed down the path to the right instead.
Around the side of the planet, I found not an alternate way to progress, but instead the final member of the Not-Toad Brigade: Not-Jacques. Upon seeing me, he said, "I know it's not much, but please take this Star Bit! I'm sorry it's not a 1-Up Mushroom…. I'll keep looking!"
He held out something that could've been a Star Bit, but could've just as easily been a grenade, a bunch of shurikens, or a Spiny Egg he was instructed to shove down my throat, given that half of it was hidden by his hands and the galaxy had very uneven lighting.
"Stick that load of Poochy turds where the sun don't shine!" I yelled, then turned back to the Carpetmunchers. Apparently, several seconds after they chewed through a section of the carpet, it regenerated, but that still left considerable gaps all over the place at any given time.
I leapt onto the first carpet, and then decided to see if I could defeat the Carpetmunchers. If I could put an end to their carpetmunching, that would make navigating this section far easier. Well, some enemies didn't respond to jumping or Star-Spinning, or needed two hits to be taken down that way (looking at you, Hammer Bros.!), so I decided to just go right for the throat and ground-pound on one of them.
Only this didn't work, because I simply bounced off the Carpetmuncher's head (thankfully not into a hole in the carpet!). The Carptetmuncher stopped for a second, then seemed to chuckle at me before turning around and chomping in the other direction! First it laughed at me, then it gave me the cold shoulder?! Dang it, and I couldn't even beat it up in revenge, because that would just cause the same thing to happen again?
Wait…this was probably just a sick game in Bowser's birthday celebration! He probably expected me to waste several hours of my life jumping on these things and trying to beat them up before realizing it was pointless and continuing. Well then, Bowser, I'd be denying you your birthday wish! Screw these Carpetmunchers; if they were going to ignore me, I was going to ignore them in return.
With some careful footwork, I made it past the four Carpetmunchers patrolling the area, ignoring a 1-Up Mushroom that likely would've just made me fall into a nearby hole in the carpet. Oh, and Not-Jacques expected me to believe that he was "sorry it's not a 1-Up Mushroom," and that all he could find was a Star Bit? Give me a break. See, these minions never even bother coming up with believable lies that mesh with all the evidence around them. If they took more pride in their work, maybe they'd manage to actually trick me every now and then!
After the Carpetmunchers section was…oh great. Was this thing a Snake Block?! Ahead of me, stretching into the lava, was a 3x3 section of pink blocks with the same slanting eyes that Snake Blocks have. Well, first off, I thought Snake Blocks could only be one block wide; then again, I've never seen them in 3D before, so I guess the universe could just hide behind that defense. But why in the name of everything logical in creation were they pink?! They were brown in Super Mario World, and since then they've either been green (which makes sense for something called a Snake Block) or ice blue. But why in the heck did Bowser decide to make it pink?
Okay, here's my theory. Wendy was being her usual vain, demanding self and was like, "Dad, I, like, want my own personal Snake Block for my birthday! And I want it pink! And, like, if I don't get a Snake Block, or I get one and it's not pink, I'm going to, like, lose it!" So Bowser custom-made a pink Snake Block for her, but then she either forgot all about it pretty quickly, or said, "Oh, I, like, don't want a Snake Block anymore. I wanted it a few months back, but I, like, outgrew that." So when Bowser needed a Snake Block for this level, he just decided to use Wendy's old Snake Block instead of manufacturing a whole new one.
I reluctantly got on the Snake Block, and it started moving. I've always hated these things because I never know where the heck they're going to go, and they always take some needlessly convoluted path instead of just taking me in a straight line to my destination. The two that come to mind right away are Roy's Castle from Super Mario World, and Larry's Castle from the same adventure. In the former, the Snake Block had to meander all over that room with the fireballs bouncing around, and in the latter, it had to meander all over that room with all the Ball 'n' Chains swinging around, instead of just beelining for the exit.
Up ahead I saw a ring of fireballs and another set of firebars, this time with a Life Mushroom atop them; not as difficult as the other places I just mentioned, but I still would've wagered that the Snake Block was going to plow straight through all of them.
Seeing no other way to cross the sea of stupidity, I got on the Snake Block. It trembled for a few seconds before pulling away from the stone platform. Almost immediately, it turned to the right, heading straight for – HA! I told you! The ring of fireballs and the firebars! Granted, it passed through the former, but still.
And then who decided to drop in but Kamek. Where the flip did he come from?! I just took care of him on the Starting Planet! Or was this just a generic Magikoopa? Or was the other one just a generic Magikoopa? Or were they both just generic Magikoopas? This is what I can't stand; Kamek looks just like all the other Magikoopas, so I can never tell when it's him! It would be nice if he wore a cloak that identified him, like maybe just a simple "K" embroidered on the front. I mean, it was technically possible both of these encounters were with Kamek, given how quickly he always respawned in Lemmy's Castle and Larry's Castle from Super Mario World, but he hasn't shown that ability in more recent times I've encountered him, so I assumed he wasn't doing that anymore.
Kamek appeared off to the side of the Snake Block's path and shot one of his fireballs at me. I leapt over it, snatching the Life Mushroom from the firebars as well for good measure. Kamek teleported a short distance ahead of where the Snake Block currently was, but where I had no doubt it would be going soon.
Sure enough, the Snake Block turned to the left next, heading closer to Kamek but still keeping him out of my attacking range. Gosh dang it, this was unfair. He could attack me, but not vice versa. After I dodged another fireball attack, the Snake Block headed to the right again, now approaching a stone path that curved around an edge of the planet. And Kamek teleported after me again, but this time he made the critical error of appearing directly above the Snake Block, right in front of me.
It was Punch o' Clock.
After dealing with Kamek, I walked over the curve in the stone path. And what was waiting for me at the other end of the ridiculously short path but another Snake Block, this time starting out as a 2x2 square.
Ugh.
I got on the Snake Block, and then I noticed that hovering right next to it was a Luma. "Would you mind turning into a Launch Star or something?" I said. "I really don't want to have to deal with any more Snake Block nonsense."
"Oops, sorry, I can't turn into a Launch Star-"
Yeah, we'll see about that when I ground-pound your useless, celestial ass.
"But be careful…. The statues!"
I looked where he pointed. Up ahead and off to the side were six Bowser statues in two rows of three. I figured the Snake Block would turn and go between the two rows, seeing as how after the statues was another stone path the Snake Block would probably take me to. But what was I supposed to "be careful" about? I didn't even feel like throwing a few stupid guesses out there at that point; I had had it with this place, I just wanted to give Bowser a beat-down, and I was still kinda pissed I hadn't gotten to ride that meteorite right into his smug face, on a collision course, I am a satellite, I'm out of control…for crying out loud, not again!
The Snake Block, as expected, turned towards the statues. But as it did, the first statue from each row turned towards the Snake Block, their eyes glowing red. Um…this was probably bad. They were probably gonna shoot fireballs at me or something, like the Bowser Statues in Super Mario World did (the stationary ones, not the inexplicably creepy hopping ones).
Shoot fireballs they did not; instead, once they were facing each other, they generated a beam of electricity between them that hovered right above the Snake Block. Well, in some ways, this was easier, because it was only one obstacle I had to worry about, as opposed to keeping track of a salvo of fireballs being blasted at me.
The other four Bowser Statues did the same thing, but fortunately they were fairly easy to dodge. And when I finally made it out of that horror show, I saw that waiting for me on the next stone platform was a pair of Hammer Bros. Come on! How flippin' long was this level going to drag on?! First Kamek, then the two Lava Battery Planets, then Flomp Area #1 and the Not-Toad Brigade, a Hammer Bro. duel, Flomp Area #2, Whomps and possibly Weasles, a giant gate, Carpetmunchers, two Snake Block rides, and now more Hammer Bros.! I mean, come on; half of the Bowser's Castle final boss levels I've had to complete aren't even this long! And now a World 2 castle is?
"You suck!" one of the Hammer Bros. unexpectedly taunted me as the Snake Block approached their platform. I don't think I've ever seen Hammer Bros. talk before.
"Good one, bro!" the other one said. "I also think you suck, Mario!"
"You're lame!"
"Good one, bro! I also think you're lame!"
"Luigi's the superior Mario Brother!"
"Good one, bro! I also know Luigi's the superior Mario Brother!"
"SHUDDUP!" I yelled at them.
"Well, we just felt the need to…hammer those points home!" the first Hammer Bro. said, followed by both of them doing that stupid, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" that people do when someone gets burned.
But this worked to my advantage, because I long-jumped across the remaining gap between the lava and the stone platform and Star-Spun into the first Hammer Bro.
"Hey, that wasn't cool, man!" the second one said, but I Star-Spun into him too. Before they could get back up, I jumped on them both, defeating them. At least that time I got a coin from it for each of them.