Chapter 42: Death by Playground Equipment II: Give Me a Power Star or Give Me Death!

When I regenerated the next time, I saw that the pocket I put Bowser's letter bomb in had been torn open, as had the envelope itself. And it didn't explode? This was better workmanship than the Koopa Troop usually displayed.

But seeing as how this planet, unlike the Starting Planet, seemed like it had traditional down-gravity, I walked to the edge of the planet to chuck the letter bomb into the ether. But before I could, the envelope's contents fell out.

Five 1-Up Mushrooms. How the heck did this get past Bowser?!

Wait a minute…I bet they weren't 1-Up Mushrooms! They were POISON MUSHROOMS painted to LOOK LIKE 1-Up Mushrooms. Man, Bowser, that's low. And it's a crying shame too, since this slide was looking like it was gonna Game Over me pretty soon. All things considered, the 1-Up Mushrooms looked pretty convincing, though.

The next trip down the slide started out better; I got over the first two rings of Thorny Flowers without incident. Then the bad luck started when I caught a glimpse of what was beyond the four rings: WIGGLERS! Why were all of my worst fears present on this accursed slide? What next, Chibi Wanwan?

And because I was distracted by that, I clipped the edge of one of the Thorny Flowers. Come on! Now the right arm of my tux had been torn away, somehow costing me a wedge of health even though I wasn't cut by the Thorny Flower at all.

I managed to make it through the fourth and final ring. Then I slid past the first Wiggler. And as I approached the second one, I realized something. I saw the end of the tunnel ahead of me, and the path leading out of it was on the ceiling from my perspective. Somehow I'd turned upside-down while I was in the tunnel? What was this, like Mario Kart 8's antigravity? I slid back to the bottom of the path, collecting a few coins along the way. And then what did I see ahead of me but an honest-to-goodness 1-Up Mushroom (hopefully)…boxed in on its front and back by a pair of Thorny Flowers. Oh come on!

You are getting low on lives….

It could ruin my tux more….

Your tux is already ruined….

Good point….

Why thank you….

Listen, Rosalina, there's something I want to ask you….

Whoops, rode that thought train a bit too far.

So, at Thought-Rosalina's behest, I went for the 1-Up Mushroom. And unlike real Rosalina, apparently Thought-Rosalina was not that reliable. I tried to jump over the Thorny Flower, but landed right on top of it instead, ripping away the seat of my underpants. Are you flipping fudging kidding me?! Not my butt had no protection whatsoever! I landed on the 1-Up Mushroom, then swerved to the side before I could smash into the second Thorny Flower.

After that the tunnel ended and transitioned back to a wooden slide. Which was a nightmare, because my butt was racking up an ungodly amount of splinters in it. Somehow that didn't cost me a wedge of health, oh, but just having my sleeve ripped off earlier, that cost me a wedge of health. Yeah, I'm calling monkeyshines on this one.

Up ahead were two more sections of baby Thorny Flowers. Seriously? What clothes was I going to lose this time?! At least there were enough coins on the slide to make up for any health wedges I lost, but seriously, this whole situation had long since surpassed "humiliating."

I leapt over the first section of Thorny Flowers, and then looked over the left edge of the slide. Below me, it continued curving away into the seemingly endless sky surrounding the galaxy. Well, I mean, the sky is technically endless, but it looked like the whole "blue sky full of puffy white clouds" aesthetic continued forever.

Aaaand looking at that led me to jump over the next thorny patch too late. And in a stroke of unbelievable misfortune, I tumbled more to the side than forward after hitting the patch the first time, which led to me basically bellyflopping onto another area of the thorny patch. Great; two wedges of health lost to one stupid mistake.

Worse still, the sad remains of my pants and underpants were ripped away by that bellyflop, so now except for my shoes and shirt (which hardly even qualified as a shirt anymore, given how badly it had been Swiss cheesed by all the thorns on the slide), I was BUCK-FLIPPIN'-NECKED!

A slid past a Spiny and headed into another tunnel, which gave my derriere a nice break from all the gosh dang splinters it was collecting. But then the slide decided to throw something else unexpected my way: a HOLE right in the middle of the path. And before I could react, I'd fallen right into it.

TOO BAD!

This was just stupid. Stuuuuuuuu-pid. Excuse my French.

Once again, I regenerated at the top of the slide. And here I was thinking this mission would basically be like a Mario Kart race. No indeed, it was worse than a Mario Kart race, because at least there if I fall off the track, Lakitu grabs me and puts me back on the track. Here I have to start all over.

The bobbleheads all looked horrified as I walked past them towards the slide, probably because I was pantless but I didn't really care. I'd already lost all my dignity; what was one more shred thrown out the window? I know that didn't really make any sense, since if I've already lost all my dignity there wouldn't be any shreds left to throw out the window. Leave it be; I've been awake since the witching hour this morning cleaning up the mess Yoshi made in the bathroom.

Anyway, next time down the slide, more Thorny Flowers killed me.

TOO BAD!

Then the prize went to a Spiny, who dealt the killing blow after more run-ins with Thorny Flowers.

TOO BAD!

Then I fell off the edge of the slide.

TOO BAD!

Next an angry Wiggler ran right into me, which didn't even make any sense since I thought only getting jumped on made Wigglers mad, and I clearly hadn't jumped on this doofus.

TOO BAD!

Finally, however many lives later – thank goodness for the 1-Up Mushrooms on the slide or I would've been Game Overed several times over – I finally made it past more Thorny Flowers, Wigglers (angry and otherwise), borderless areas, and more nonsense, and I finally emerged from the far end of the slide. From there, I dropped onto a small planet with a fairly large tree growing from its center…not as large as the Starting Planet tree, but still large.

Sadly, my other trips down the slide had compounded the pitiful state I was in. My butt now looked like a bona fide hedgehog, I had lost one of my tux shoes after falling over the slide's border at an awkward angle, and my shirt was nothing more than a tattered scarf hanging around my shoulders.

And waiting for me at the base of the tree were three more bobbleheads. Lovely.

The first one said, "Bravery symbol star. Yours!"

So the bobbleheads had the Power Star? Gosh dang it, again?! Why do all these A-minor creatures who supposedly hate Bowser withhold from me the Power Stars I need to defeat him?

The second bobblehead appeared to be staring at me in horror. "We judge you. Very tin – very brave."

It sounded like he had been about to say "very tiny," and I give you one guess what part of my body he was gonna call "tiny."

I reared back my Punching Arm, ready to start knocking out his wooden dentures, when the third bobblehead spoke up. "Here is symbol of courage. Take star!" With that, he waved his tiny, stubby Rex arms, and a Power Star appeared in midair. "This star is for you."

Was punching the other bobblehead worth it? I'd completed both mission here; I could probably take a potshot at him and grab the Star before anyone else could retaliate. And then I'd never have to come back here, so potential retribution wouldn't be an issue.

At the same time, all I really wanted to do was get back to Starship Mario as fast as possible, yank the splinters out of my rear end, and forget this day ever happened. So I just settled for grabbing the Star.