A/N: Welcome back! Sorry for the long wait after last time's cliffhanger ending; I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out how to make the battle for Starship Mario in this chapter feel different than the ones that have already happened (since it's the same characters fighting in the same location every time), and I hope I succeeded at that.

Oh, and I included a reference to the "Mario the Idea vs. Mario the Man" essay meme somewhere in these three chapters. See if you can find it!

Without further ado, read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 47: Battle on Starship Mario Encore

Who in the heck was Willy? And why was he taking me to Bowser's Lava Lair and working with Lubba?

Then Willy spoke. "Me. Take Mario? Sure?"

Oh NO! I'd recognize that oversimplified, often grammatically incorrect sentence structure anywhere: the Wittle! He was Willy? Ugh; Willy the Wittle? What a boring, alliterative name.

I frantically tore at the top of the garbage bag, where it was tied, but I was unsuccessful. Man, this was the sturdiest garbage bag I'd ever encountered. Garbage bags are, by definition, not meant to be this sturdy! Then I noticed the breathing holes in the side of the bag. Preexisting holes that just had to be made larger, huh? I jabbed a few of my fingers through a pair of holes and tried to make them larger, but couldn't. What the heck had even been used to make these breathing holes?!

And then Willy walked around to the side of the garbage bag I was trying to tear open and chomped down on my flimsy, knockoff gloves.

OWWW! I yanked my fingers back into the bag, tearing off large strips of fabric. Now I basically had fingerless gloves. Who the heck was I, an MMA fighter? Yeah, I wish. Lubba wouldn't mess with me then, and I'd karate-chop my hand straight through this gosh dang Wittle.

Suddenly, I was propelled through the air. I peeked out the breathing holes to see Willy flying through the helm hole with me in tow. No doubt going to Bowser's Lava Lair. Well, Starship Mario was certainly flown there from the Cosmic Something-or-Another Galaxy pretty fast. Let's see…what was the starting area of Bowser's Lava Lair like? Oh, right, it was the stone path with Kamek. In that case, Kamek would probably be the one to greet Willy. And in that case, I needed to brush up on my Kamek-fighting skills.

Willy would probably tell Kamek that I was in the bag, and then Kamek would probably open the bag to make sure Willy was telling the truth (assuming he could even figure out what the heck the bobblehead was trying to tell him). Which meant I'd have maybe half a second to take Kamek by surprise somehow. Maybe nail a solid blow to his face? I mean, it's never worked when I've tried it before because he's always dodged the attack somehow (even though he shouldn't even be able to SEE through those glasses of his), but then again, I don't think there's really any method of surprise attacking Kamek that has consistently worked for me.

Not even a minute later, we landed on the aforementioned stone pathway. I couldn't see what was ahead of us, but I heard the whoosh of Kamek appearing. "Oh, you're not Mario," he said. "I thought he was coming back here for some reason. But you are a filthy Wittle. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't burn you like a bonfire right this second."

Willy replied, "Hate Mario. Here. Yours!" He dragged me across the floor and shoved me towards Kamek. For such a small guy, he was strong.

"How do I know it's not a bomb?" Kamek asked.

Oh my gosh, I didn't have time for some stupid espionage argument between the two of them. "It's me, Kamek!" I said. "Get me out of here! That Wittle was being barbaric to me – I'd take being in Bowser's prison over spending another second with him and Lubba!"

"Lubba's really that bad?" Kamek asked. "Bowser's said some bad stuff about him, but I thought for sure he had to be exaggerating. He does have a…a penchant for drama. You know, he's told me that back in grade school, it was his dream to be a thespian, but his parents drilled into him that that was just a pipe dream and he didn't have what it took."

Only the most pretentious conceited snobs use words like "thespian."

"Just get me out of here before this psycho Wittle changes his mind and takes me back!" I snapped.

Kamek teleported over to the bag and pointed his scepter at the top of the garbage bag. The bag untied itself, and once it was open, Kamek leaned over the opening.

I reared back my Punching Arm and slugged him in the snout.

I don't know if it was his glasses or his nose, but something crunched as soon as my fist made contact with his face. He cried out in pain and tumbled backwards, flopping on his back on the stone path. Meanwhile, the scepter flew from his hand and flipped through the air.

I disentangled my feet and legs from the garbage bag and ran to catch the scepter. I grabbed it just before it hit the ground. Kamek was groaning in pain off to one side, while Willy was cowering off to my other side. Which of them to attack…?

What was I even saying?

"Okay, scepter, never used you before, but bear with me here," I said. "Uh, bring me Princess Peach!"

I flicked my wrist and a purple light shot from the scepter. Then, several feet in front of me, Peach appeared on the stone path. HA! IT WORKED!

"Mario?" she asked. "Where the heck are we? Is this another one of Bowser's bases?"

"Not now," I said, rushing over to her. "I got Kamek's scepter and now I'm getting us back to the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've got the scepter right here-"

"No, I mean why the heck have you never done this before? I've been getting kidnapped for thirty years and only now you thought to do this?"

"Look, don't armchair quarterback me on this; it's not my fault that whenever I see Kamek, I'm more concerned with evading whatever attack he launches at me than with taking his scepter. And if it's so obvious to you, why'd you never suggest it to me before?"

Before Peach could reply, Kamek tackled me to the ground. "Gosh, you're arguing like an old married couple!" he said. Then he punched me in the face. "Ha! How do you like that?"

I tried to kick him in the pants like I did back in Super Mario World, but missed my target of his crotch.

"That's not gonna work again," he said. "I learned. Now before I go into battle, I teleport my junk off my body into a pocket universe I created just to house it."

…

I don't even have the words.

Peach kicked Kamek in the side, knocking him off me…but in his tumble, he wrenched the scepter from my grasp. "Send Peach back to her cell!" Kamek said. And before I could interfere, Peach vanished again. Unbelievable! "And next time I'm back there, I'm making that cell teleportation-proof," Kamek continued. "Even if you take my scepter again down the road, fat lot of good it'll do you."

Oh come ON! For twenty-five years or however long it's been since I first encountered Kamek in Dinosaur Land I haven't thought to take his scepter and use it to save Peach, and then now that I've finally thought of it, I muck it up and now I won't be able to do it again going forward?!

"You. Done," Willy said.

"Oh give me a break," I said. "You're just a flippin' bobblehead. Do you have any idea how many bobbleheads I've plunged in my time after some idiot kid tried flushing them down a toilet for some idiot kid-esque reason? More than you'd think!"

Kamek readied his scepter to cast some spell at me, but I long-jumped towards him and Star-Spun him into a coin. And unfortunately, his scepter vanished too. Dang it. I wasn't really expecting anything else to happen, but it still would've been nice for something to not make any sense for once, since this time it would work in my favor.

Willy stared me down. "Give up. Wittle Empire will seek revenge. Death!"

I got into my Fighting Stance, then realized…why the heck was I even bothering with this doofus? I could just head back to Starship Mario. No doubt Lubba still had the Starship in orbit so Willy could return to it, unless that Luma was an even bigger jerk than I pegged him as. So I returned to Starship Mario, forever (hopefully) stranding Willy in Bowser's Lava Lair.

And as soon as I arrived back on the helm, Lubba shoved another garbage bag over my head. Dammit, not again! Before he could get the bag around my legs, I did a blind kick at his face. Whether it hit his face I will never know (partly because I had a garbage bag over my face and partly because there's really no clear distinction between his face and stomach), but wherever I hit him, it was forceful enough to knock him away from me.

Come to think of it, why does Lubba have a mouth? None of the other Lumas I've ever encountered do, and they still managed to talk to me. Is that just purple Lumas who have mouths or something? I mean, it doesn't sound too likely, but I've encountered far stranger things.

I tore the garbage bag off my head and vaulted over Lubba towards the helm. Where were Star Bunny and the other Lumas? They presumably came back with Lubba, but I didn't see them anywhere on the Starship or on the Berry Planetoid. Or maybe they were belowdecks making sure Yoshi and the Toads didn't escape.

What the heck would I do? I mean, the easy way out would be to just head for another level…but then, again, I'd be walking back into this later.

Sigh.

I mean, would this endless string of battles for supremacy of Starship Mario just end already? I'm the captain; ergo, it's my ship. What I say goes, and what I say is for Lubba to give up. But no, then he'll just pull some "Well, I made you captain" garbage, and the argument will come to a stalemate.

And so I vaulted over the steering wheel and ran into the hatch that led belowdecks.

As soon as I entered it, two Lumas further down the hall saw me. "It's Mario!" the Lumas said. "Let's get that jerk!"

And where the heck was Lumalee? The one who arrived on Starship Mario and was fed a bunch of propaganda by Yoshi? Was he just sitting back doing nothing, or had he been imprisoned, or had he defected to Lubba's side?

The Lumas floated towards me, but I ducked under them and continued down the hall. Suddenly, one of the ceiling panels was kicked down and Polari clone descended from it, holding his signature hose. "Boo, dummy!" he shouted, then shot a stream of water at me. How the flip did he get himself and the hose up in the ceiling?

I took the jet of freezing cold water to the face, blasting my cap off me and exposing Baby Luma. He flew up to Polari clone and smacked him in the face. The hose slipped from his grasp and clanged to the floor. I picked it up and shot it at Polari clone, knocking him back into the ceiling.

"Go, Mario!" Baby Luma said. "I'll take care of this loser."

I dropped the hose, knowing it didn't stretch all the way down the hall and that Baby Luma could use it to hold off Lubba if he tried to follow me, and continued down the hall. I didn't see any more opposition up ahead. I was getting pretty close to my cabin, so I figured all the other mutineers were concentrated either in or directly outside my cabin.

Suddenly, a painting of three Star Bits hanging on the wall rocketed into my head, and who crawled from a secret passage behind it but Star Bunny. "I got you, boiyoing!" he taunted.

I shoved the painting off me and…I know this was kinda a stupid time to observe this, but I had never noticed before how many of the paintings and pictures in the Starship's halls were of Star Bits. I mean, was there actually one that wasn't of Star Bits? I get food porn but come on, this is taking it to an unhealthy level.

"Get up and fight me, boiyoing!" Star Bunny said, holding his stubby arms in a boxing stance.

I tried to get up, but as soon as I did, the menace kicked me in the ribs and knocked me down again. "Boiyoing! I said fight me!" he said.

"I would if you'd let me get the heck up!" I yelled.

He aimed another kick at me, but I rolled around it and grabbed him around the midsection. He squirmed around but couldn't get free. "Let me go, boiyoing!" he said.

Yeah, fat chance!

And then, because I guess he's allergic to playing fair, he bit me. Dang it, would everyone stop biting my hands?! And now I'd need a rabies shot, thank you very much!

I shook my arm around, eventually flinging him loose, and then dropkicked him through one of the fluorescent lights in the ceiling. I ducked through the shower of sparks raining from the broken light and headed down the hall.

My bedroom was the next door on the left, and a bunch more Lumas, including the Co-Star one, were waiting outside it. Great. There wasn't gonna be any strategy to this battle, it was just gonna be a matter of who could beat who up more. The least I could do was take advantage of the element of surprise, since it didn't seem like they'd noticed me yet.

I dashed around the slight bend in the hallway and Star-Spun two of the Lumas farther down the hall towards the bathroom. Two more flew at me but I dodged their attack, only to be punched in the nose by the Co-Star Luma.

"How you like that, buster?" he squeaked. "This is for never taking me on any adventures with you!"

"I never take you on adventures because you're useless!"

"How would you know if you've never taken me on adventures to begin with?"

"Because Lubba told me all you can do is collect Star Bits, and I don't need your flippin' help to collect Star Bits!" In hindsight I'm not sure how much I should've believed that, but all the Lumas look up to Lubba, so the Co-Star Luma would either have to admit that's all he can do, or else insinuate that Lubba's a liar, which I'm pretty sure no Luma would ever do. "And now that I think about it, it's not like you can really carry much in those tiny appendages of yours. So I'm gonna bet that your definition of 'collecting' Star Bits is 'eating' Star Bits, which doesn't really help me much, now does it?"

"Yeah, eating them and then puking them up for you once we get back to the Starship!"

Oh my gosh, were all Lumas this rude?!

The Co-Star Luma swung a punch at me, but I wall-jumped over it. Then, when I was above the Luma, I ground-pounded. After a flatulence/deflating balloon sound like happened back in the Sky Station Galaxy, the Co-Star Luma turned into a Launch Star. A reddish Launch Star, probably because he was darker in color than an average Luma, but a Launch Star nevertheless.

Three Lumas leapt at me, but I swatted one aside and kicked another into the wall. The third, meanwhile, got caught in the gravity well of the Launch Star and, in trying to free himself, must have moved in a way that registered with the Launch Star as Star-Spinning. Because the next thing I knew, the Launch Star wound up and shot the Luma straight through the center of the door into my cabin.

"AAH!" Yoshi screamed, followed by the sound of blows being landed.

"Hey!" a Luma inside the room squealed. "Get back on the far end of the room, buster!"

"Yeah right! The revolution has begun!" one of the Toads yelled.

I tried crawling through the hole in the door, but it was too small for me to fit through. Oh man…I knew what I had to do, but I wasn't gonna like it.

I leapt in the Launch Star and…oh come on, I couldn't even Star-Spin without Baby Luma. Well, then again, neither could the Luma that got caught in the Launch Star, so maybe if I just wiggled around enough, I could get the Launch Star to activate.

So wiggle I did. I flopped on my stomach, then shook my arms around and did some sort of zero-G split in midair. Finally, something I did registered as a Star-Spin, and the Launch Star shot me through the door too.

OW! Splinters in my head! Splinters in my head! See, this is why my real cap was lined with Kevlar – to protect me against stuff like this! I rolled to the floor in my room and laid there for several seconds, semi-conscious. Yoshi was struggling to eat one of the Lumas, while Banktoad and Mailtoad were wrestling with the others. No Lumalee to be seen, so either he had no idea what was happening, or he did and was a coward. Didn't really narrow it down too much, since either of those options could have involved him being allied with either me or Lubba. Or maybe he was the worst sort of coward: those guys who jump into battles late and side with whoever it looks like is going to win.

I sat up, rubbing my head, and grabbed a drawer from my dresser and flung it at two Lumas ganging up on Banktoad. Mailtoad was smacking one of the other Lumas with his mail pouch, backing it into a corner. "C'mon, Yoshi, just eat that Luma already!" I snapped.

"I'm trying, but he keeps biting my tongue," Yoshi said over the mouthful of Luma. "It's getting disturbingly close to a French kissing scenario."

"Lumas don't have teeth!"

"Tell that to my tongue!"

I ran over to Yoshi and, hoping this would work, stroked his chin. It works for getting Poochies to swallow pills, so maybe it would also work for getting Yoshis to swallow Lumas. Through some miracle, it was successful, and by then Mailtoad and Banktoad had trapped all the other Lumas in my closet, which they then sealed shut by knotting the strap of Mailtoad's mail pouch around the closet's doorknobs.

"Is that all of them?" Yoshi asked.

"Not quite," I said. "Baby Luma's holding off Lubba and Polari clone, and Star Bunny's somewhere in the ceiling."

"I hate that rabbit," Mailtoad said. "He kept kicking me in the crotch and cursing at me. We tried to hold them off, but there were too many of them. Those Lumas…they have no mercy."

"Let's go take care of Polari clone and Lubba then," Banktoad said.

Suddenly, the two aforementioned Lumas came blasting through the door, tearing what little was left of it right off its hinges and bringing it with them. Lubba and Polari clone had been tied up with the fire hose, which looked like it had been carelessly ripped out of whatever faucet it was attached to, going by the shredded rubber at its end. "Speak of the devil," Yoshi said.

I looked into the hall to see Baby Luma next to the Launch Star. "Don't know how the heck this got here, but it proved useful," he said.

"How the heck did these two fit in that that thing?" I asked. "Lubba by himself couldn't even fit in that thing."

"You know in The Santa-Toad Clause when he gets compressed to fit inside the house that doesn't have a chimney?" Baby Luma said. "That's basically what happened."

"We've still gotta find Star Bunny," Yoshi said. "Mario says he's crawling around in the ceiling."

"We've gotta call an exterminator then," Banktoad said. He leaned close to me and whispered, "And there's also the issue of the vent in your closet. The Lumas could escape out that like you and Yoshi did when Lubba trapped you in his closet."

I groaned. Why the heck were there even vents in a closet?! It's like this ship was designed with prison breaks from closets in mind.

Suddenly, a ceiling panel in the hall was kicked down, and Star Bunny dropped from the ceiling. But the idiot landed right in the Launch Star and was blasted into the cabin.

"Quick, quick, get out and shut the door!" I said. "They're all in here now."

"What door?" Banktoad asked, gesturing to the shattered remains of a door that had been flung into the room.

Oh…right.

"Someone keep Star Bunny occupied," I said. "The rest of us are gonna cut out as much of the door to Lubba's cabin as we can within the welding holding the door in place. We'll bring that to this room, and then apply an extra-thick coat of welding around the borders to hold it in place in this doorway."

"No! You leave my cabin door alone!" Lubba ordered.

"YOU'RE NOT CAPTAIN!" Yoshi, the Toads, and I all shouted at him.

Yoshi volunteered to stay behind with Star Bunny, while the Toads and I removed Lubba's door. Once we brought the 90%-of-a-door back to my cabin, Yoshi spat out Star Bunny ("He was too big to swallow") and ran back into the hall. Then we welded the door in place, trapping them all in my room. Then we crammed the Launch Star that used to be the Co-Star Luma into one of the Starship's closets, behind the vacuum that we never use.

Aaand now I no longer had a place to sleep. And…DANG IT, my TV was in my room! Now I had no TV again?! Come on!

"What about the vents?" Yoshi asked. "We still have to seal them off."

And so we spent the next hour crawling around in the vents and cramming as much insulation and mothballs as we could manage just past the access point in my closet. Hopefully that would deter those pests from trying to get out that way.

Hopefully.