Chapter 49: The Truth (I Hope) About the Comet Medals

Next we headed down the slide, traversed another area with lifts (where it was a miracle nothing sloshed out of the Inflatapotty, which for some stupid reason had no lid), and dispatched Not-Hugh (who, just like in Bowser's Lava Lair, was missing his mail pouch).

After that we came upon a giant pipe in the ceiling (floor…?) that was spawning Chomps that then rolled in the direction we had to go.

"Oh great," Bartholomew said. "How the heck are we gonna get past this? I can't jump!"

Well, he had a point there. The Chomp dropped right at the edge of a ledge ahead of us and then rolled to the right from there. One of us would have to stand on the ledge and haul Bartholomew up, in doing so risking getting crushed when the next Chomp fell out of the pipe. And given how long it took us to lift Bartholomew earlier in the level….

"I'm scared," Blue said.

"Yeah, we all are!" I said. "I'm trying to come up with a plan here!"

"But the rest of you don't have the Inflatapotty strapped to your back. If the Chomp falls on this…we're gonna be in a crapload of trouble, if you know what I mean."

Yes, I did know what he meant, and I did not really need that image burned into my brain.

I peeked over the ledge the Chomps were dropping onto. "Well, good news; it looks like we'll only have to outpace these things for a short distance, and then they drop into some gap we're gonna have to long-jump over."

"Again, I can't jump," Bartholomew said.

This level certainly was not designed with him in mind. Well, this would certainly require some mental effort….

…or just plain old-fashioned trickery.

"Give me the backpack," I said. "I have better jump stats than Toads to begin with, so maybe I'll be able to pull off even the slightest jump, even weighed down by this thing."

There was no way in heck I'd be able to jump weighed down by that thing.

"That makes sense," Bartholomew said. "You sure about this, though? I mean, it's really heavy."

"I'll be fine," I said.

Bartholomew took off his backpack and handed it to me. Man, those little noodle arms of his must be stronger than they look; he lifted that thing like it was nothing. I took it from him and hoo boy, it was heavy. I could just barely pull it onto my back, and suddenly understood why Bartholomew can't jump.

Once one Chomp had just dropped, I hauled myself onto the ledge and took off running. I saw that below the far end of the ledge was another pipe that all the Chomps were falling down, and who knows where the heck that led. Not the exact type of bottomless pit I was expecting to see down there, but it would still work. I heard a crash as another Chomp dropped down behind me. Okay, good. The Toad Brigade's view of what I was about to do would be blocked.

I took the backpack off and hurled it with all my might towards the pipe. It flew laterally no more than six inches before dropping into the pit like a boulder.

Then, as the Chomp was about to bowl me over, I long-jumped across the pit and gave a fake cry of frustration as I did so. I stalled my jump a bit in midair so I was holding onto the opposite side of the pit by my fingertips as the Chomp fell into the pipe below me.

"Mario, are you okay?" one of the Toads called. "We were starting to think you wouldn't make it."

I pulled myself onto the ledge and pointed down the pipe. "That Chomp, he…he…he snagged the backpack and took it with him! I never should have taken it with me. If Bartholomew had kept it, this wouldn't have happened."

"Oh, it's okay, Mario," Bartholomew said. "I mean, I guess it was just a backpack after all. At least that Chomp didn't take you."

"But our Insta-Campfire was in there," Daniel said. "And your pickaxes, Captain. And the Starshroom's log. And the ToadBag!"

"Well, at least we still have the Extendable 8-Foot Spear." Bartholomew grabbed that thing that looked like an arrow from a slot on his belt. "I never put it back in the backpack this morning. Figured it would help to have quick access to it since we're heading deep into enemy territory today."

How the heck does that tiny thing, maybe ten inches long currently, turn into an 8-foot spear? And for that matter, what business does a Toad who is at most 3'6" have with an 8-foot spear?

The rest of the Toads slowly made it past the Chomps. And ahead of us next were a pair of Thwomps with a safe platform between them that no Thwomp was falling on. This would be even harder than getting past the Chomps.

"How are we gonna do this?" Blue asked. "We've never dealt with Thwomps before."

"Never fear, folks," Bartholomew said. "Next time that Thwomp rises, just get me under it and I'll do my thing. We'll be fine."

"Is your thing getting crushed, perchance?" I asked.

"Mario, have ye no faith in me?" Bartholomew asked, sounding a bit offended.

I sighed. "Whatever, go ahead."

As soon as the Thwomp rose, Bartholomew leapt under it and banged the bottom of the Extendable 8-Foot Spear on the ground. The top end of it suddenly shot up as the shaft extended to – as promised – about eight feet. And when the Thwomp went to fall again, as soon as it hit the tip of the spear, it stopped and (it sounded like) groaned it pain. Unbelievable! How flippin' sturdy was that spear?

"Guys, c'mon!" Bartholomew said. "It's perfectly fine – the spear won't break."

The Thwomp certainly seemed to think it would, as it was rapidly dropping on the spear and shouting in frustration. I didn't know Thwomps could make any sort of noise aside from occasionally grunting when they fell.

The rest of the Brigade and I dashed past Bartholomew and climbed up the ledge between that Thwomp and the next one. Bartholomew inched his way towards the ledge, still holding the spear. "One of you, grab the spear higher up," he said. "I'm gonna climb up there, and then once I'm up, pull the spear out from under the Thwomp."

Jacques leaned down and gripped the spear just under the blade as the Thwomp continued its fruitless efforts to break the weapon. I hauled Bartholomew onto the ledge, and then Jacques pulled the spear out. Unfortunately, given the small space we were clustered in, there wasn't much room to maneuver the spear, and it ended up slicing open Daniel's shirt and almost decapitating Blue. "Watch where you point that thing!" I scolded.

Behind us, the Thwomp crashed to the ground and gave another angry yell. Serves you guys right for crushing me more times than I can count over the past twenty-some-odd years.

Bartholomew pointed above us and said, "Look, Mario! Up there!" I looked up and saw a Star Coin right next to the next Thwomp. No way was I bothering backflipping or wall-jumping or whatever the heck I'd have to do to get that useless thing. Yeah, I know there's been other times where I've bothered with them against my better judgment, but this time I wasn't. Sometimes greedy, gold-hungry Mario wins out, sometimes logical Mario wins out. Simple as that. "A Comet Medal!" Bartholomew continued. "Let's go get it!"

Maybe my next action was a bit rash, but I had had it up to my eyeballs with Lubba, Wittles, and apparently even the Toad Brigade believing in these stupid Comet Medals.

"IT'S NOT A COMET MEDAL!" I exploded. ""IT'S A STAR COIN! COMET MEDALS DON'T EXIST!"

Bartholomew was unfazed. "Sure they do. There's one right up there."

"THAT'S A STAR COIN! AND I'M NOT BOTHERING TO COLLECT IT BECAUSE THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE IN THIS ADVENTURE!"

"Yeah they do," Daniel piped up. "They make Prankster Comets appear."

"WHEEEEEEEEN?!"

"Once you collect four Power Stars from World 3."

When I – WHAT?! What the mommy flipping gosh dang spanking garbage?

Okay, assuming Daniel was telling the truth, because so far as I know the Toad Brigade has never lied to me (or maybe they're just really good at hiding their lies):

51. Lies by omission.

Yeah, Lubba oh-so-conveniently forgot to mention that little tidbit of information? I don't think so! And…well, at least I was only concerned with getting enough Power Stars to get to Bowser's final lair. Maybe I'd be able to avoid going back to the Sky Station Galaxy to get its…Comet Medal, I guess? Or the one in the Wild Glide Galaxy inside that cage I never figured out how to open.

But why four Power Stars from World 3? Why doesn't a galaxy's Prankster Comet appear as soon as I get that galaxy's Comet Medal? Then again, in my first galactic adventure, for some reason, Prankster Comets didn't appear until I'd gotten 13 Power Stars overall, so-.

Wait a flippin' minute.

"How the heck would you guys know that?" I asked Daniel. "You've never even been to World 3. Banktoad told me the Brigade was never able to get past the Star Barrier at the end of World 2, so how the heck would you know anything about the goings-on of World 3?"

"The Captain told us," Daniel replied. "Back in the Spin-Dig Galaxy, he overheard some of the enemies talking about the Comet Medal they were guarding, and one was asking what purpose the Comet Medals even serve, and another one said that if Mario – you – gets the Comet Medal from a galaxy and then gets at least four Power Stars from World 3, then a Prankster Comet will appear in the galaxies that a Comet Medal has been collected in."

I turned on Bartholomew. "Is this true?"

"Totes," he said.

I'm not sure how much stock to put in the word of someone who says "totes," but I didn't have any reason to think the Toad Brigade would make this up, so taking their word for it it was.

"Alright, fine," I said. I waited for the Thwomp to drop again, then backflipped towards it, wall-jumped off its side, and Star-Spun to grab the Comet Medal.

After that, we made it past the second Thwomp with the Extendable 8-Foot Spear too, then navigated through an area with a bunch of wooden crates I had to burn our way through - thankfully, none of them exploded into a cloud of Koop-caine powder like happened in that incident from "Kamella's Airship Attack" in my first galactic adventure. Then we inexplicably ended up walking on the back wall of the next area while fighting off a few Goombas, before ending up in another inside area.

Now, I can't say with certainty since I approached the galaxy's main planet from only one side, but I do not think there is any way that this much fit inside that one planet. Actually, I know that for a fact, because just that first shaft with the Paragoombas dropped down a heck of a lot farther than the exterior of the planet did. Which meant that either 1) the planet was a lot bigger than it looked, and parts of its exterior were just painted to blend in with the galaxy's background; 2) there was some bizarre spatial differential between the outside of the planet and the inside, like with the TARDIS in Doctor Boo; or 3) the Warp Pipe atop the planet where the Starshroom crashed didn't even lead to the interior of that planet, but to some completely different area, like with the Purple Cylinder Planet from the Spin-Dig Galaxy.

Sigh.

And as soon as we entered the next inside area, what was waiting for us but a trio of Thwomps falling on gradually ascending ledges, with no safe gaps between them. Oh come on! If it was just me I'd be able to pull off that dash, but given that the Toads need longer to jump up ledges than I do, they didn't stand a flippin' chance. And if I just left them behind, then they wouldn't come back to Starship Mario with me.

"Any thoughts, Bartholomew?" I asked.

"Hmm…," he said. "If we could destroy these Thwomps as we go along so we're only ever dealing with one at a time instead of trying to run between two Thwomp impact zones, that would make this easier."

"No point suggesting solutions that aren't gonna work, because there's no way to destroy a Thwomp," I said. "I've tried. I can't even do it while invincible. They can't harm me, but I can't harm them either."

"Remember how the two Thwomps from earlier groaned in pain the first time they fell on the spear? Well, it was fully extended then, so the only force involved was the Thwomp's downward force. But if we could wait for it to start falling, then activate the spear, we'd have the downward force of the Thwomp falling coupled with the upward force of the spear extending. And…maybe those combined could do the trick."

"First off, I don't even think that's how physics works. And second, whoever holds the spear would be running the risk of getting squashed by the Thwomp if they don't get the spear activated fast enough."

"Well then, that's why it should be you. We don't know what'll happen if we die, but if you do, you'll just regenerate earlier in the level. Then when you make your way back here, we'll come up with another plan."

…As heartless as that sounded, it was the most solid plan we had. God knows I didn't want Blue using the spear because if he and the Inflatapotty got squashed, then we'd all be in, as he put it earlier, "a crapload of trouble."

"Alright, fine." I took the spear from Bartholomew, waited for the Thwomp to rise, then ducked under it. I crouched down and waited for the Thwomp to fall. As soon as it did, I slammed the bottom of the spear on the ground. The blade shot up and collided with the Thwomp. A horrible cracking sound came from above me, and I looked up to see giant cracks splintered across the Thwomp's underside. This one groaned in pain too, then lifted up and dropped down on the spear again.

Which was the killing blow.

The spear shot right through the Thwomp like the stone monster was made of butter. Unfortunately, this attack backfired, because I hadn't taken into account that if the Thwomp broke, that would result in fragments of stone flying everywhere.

And just my luck, one of them shot right through the back of the Inflatapotty.

"Uh oh," Blue said as sewage dripped onto the floor behind him. "Guys, we've got a septic situation here."

You've gotta be kidding me. "Okay, get back quite a ways while I take care of the next few Thwomps," I said.

"And walk through the stuff leaking from the Inflatapotty?" Blue asked.

"Yes! That's what shoes are for!"

Blue sighed and backed up, along with the rest of the Brigade.

Taking out the rest of the Thwomps in that manner was pretty simple, if nerve-wracking nonetheless. It turned out there were three more Thwomps after the initial set of three, the latter group in a reverse-gravity area, but after I'd dispatched all of them I called the Toad Brigade after me.

And then it was time for a run-in with Not-Daniel, who we took out while he was asleep, or at the very least pretending to be asleep.

Ahead of us after that was what looked to be a loop area with four different types of gravity, and there was clearly Power Star light coming from the far side of the loop. So we never encountered Not-Jacques or Not-Banktoad in the level. But come to think of it, they're the same color, so whenever I encounter a Green Not-Toad Brigade member, I suppose I can't accurately say if that Toad is supposed to be Jacques or Banktoad. And I've only ever seen one green Not-Toad Brigade member, so…once again, I guess Bowser doesn't have the most reliable sources about the Brigade's membership.

"Okay, guys, let's all hold onto each other," I said. "Maybe that'll increase the chances you get brought back to Starship Mario with me."

So we formed a human-Toad chain and leapt off the platform. Unfortunately, the plan went sideways almost as soon as we started. You see, Bartholomew and I ended up in the right-pointing gravity area while Jacques, Daniel, and Blue were still in the up-pointing gravity area, so the latter three ended up getting slammed into the wooden block at the center of the loop and breaking away from me and Bartholomew.

I have no idea what happened back there. All I know is that I heard one of them yell, "Oh no, the Inflatapotty's spilling all over the place!"

And then I flew into the Power Star, no longer sure if I was hoping the Toad Brigade would return to the Starship with me or not.

A/N: That's all for now, folks – hope you enjoyed it! Just a reminder, the final chapter of "Mario and at the 2014 Winter Olympics" will be up tomorrow (Halloween), so be on the lookout for that.

Next up: "Head in the Clouds" and "Bowser on Ice"!

Happy Halloween!