My name is Marco, and I have lost control of my life.
Laying on my friend Ax's bed, I tried to get my mind off everything that had happened lately. Kissing Jake, venting about it to Rachel, Cassie's suggestion...
That last one especially.
Hope is dangerous. It's what got me into this mess in the first place. I'd buried my feelings for Jake, stuffed them in a box and threw it into the Marianas Trench. Done. Over with. Did my best not to stare at him when he was looking especially hot, not to give him any hints that I was anything other than his completely platonic best friend.
One fucking comment, one hint that maybe, maybe, he likes guys, and suddenly I started hoping again. Which led to me getting the absolutely ridiculous plan of 'Get drunk with Jake and see what happens'. I'm so bad at plans.
That instinct, the learned experience that hope is a lie, that it only causes hurt, that just screams 'This is a trap!', it won't leave me alone. I'll get my hopes up, think for a second maybe I can actually be with Jake and Cassie, and it'll come crashing down around me, with the awful truth that it can't, it won't, it never will be.
"I don't understand the problem."
Ax's voice broke me out of my spiraling, and I looked up to see he was still trying to 100% Banjo-Tooie, the absolute madlad.
The last person to join our little group of friends, Ax has this way about him, of just kind of accepting the world as it seems to be, while somehow also being curious as fuck, that just makes him fun to be around, at least for me.
Hell, when he randomly started growing boobs in high school, he didn't even seem to notice or care, really, aside from making a comment about needing to buy a bra. Cassie was the one who figured out he was intersex, an explanation slash rant that delved into the stigmas and prejudice intersex people face that went on for like half an hour. Ax listened to the whole thing, nodded, and said, "Interesting. Thank you for telling me."
Some people find that sort of thing unsettling. His whole...Data for Star Trek-ness. But he and I have always clicked, even if he misses most of my jokes.
There's also the fact that he's hot as fuck and I might have a small crush on him too. Itty bitty. Promise. Just like...the gender of this man. Dude walks around with boobs, long hair, and the prettiest face you can find in the city, and he still just radiates this personal style of masculinity that...fuck, I wish I had something like that. I'm fine binding the twins on my chest down until I get top surgery, but just the idea of not giving a fuck, of just being comfy in myself?
Bottle that, sell it, and I'll buy a whole case.
"That is because you have a working brain," I replied, flipping around so I could watch Ax play the game upside down. "It takes a special kind of social ineptitude to land in this kind of situation."
Playing kickball or something in the game, it took a few minutes for Ax to reply. "Are you implying that I have better social abilities than you do?" To most people, his tone would have sounded flat, but I could tell that Ax was telling a joke.
"No, but that's because you sidestep the entire thing, ignore it. I try to succeed, and I fail."
With a nod of his head, Ax replied, "Interesting game. The only winning move is not to play." Ignoring the reference, I tried to clear my head and think. Ax did not comply. "Can you explain the problem to me? Even if I don't have any insight, the process of attempting to go through the steps of it to another person might present a solution."
I reached out and poked the back of Ax's head. "You really think the rubber duck tactic will work?"
"I would hope I am a better conversation partner than a bathtime toy."
"The rubber duck wouldn't be making references to movies from before we were born, but sure, I'll give it a shot, Ax-man." Taking a deep breath, I thought through it all, and tried to order my thoughts a little. "So...Cassie wants to give polyamory a try. Me, her, Jake. Dating. Doing the do."
Something about Ax's posture got a little more rigid before he said, "You like both of them, don't you?" Was that just because Ax didn't really do the whole romance thing? I wasn't sure. He'd never dated, or shown interest, in a single person since I'd known him. Hell, as far as I could tell he was ace and aro.
"I mean...yeah. I do. Cassie was right, too. We didn't work out back in the day, but we've grown, we can give it another try." She'd also been right that the two of us definitely worked physically. Holy shit, that girl is affectionate. And I am a whore for affection.
"So you're more confident about dating Cassie than you are Jake?"
That...was not a question I'd been expecting. "Well, kind of? The thing is, even if we do work well, Jake is still a part of it. Hell, even if he and I don't become anything more than friends, he's still dating Cassie. She dates both of us, that's still a strange new element to consider." Also one I had been daydreaming about, a little. "But yeah, comparatively...even leaving aside the whole sexuality issue with Jake, there's the fact that I've never dated a guy before."
Now Ax was in some kind of different mode in the game, one that reminded me a lot of Goldeneye. He was dying, a lot. "Why is that?"
I groaned. "Complicated question, my dude. Part of it's just...the fact it is hard to find guys who not only are interested in other guys, but that specifically are interested in me. And with the ones that are, a not insubstantial percentage like me because they see me as a girl." Getting hit on by straight guys...absolutely terrible in terms of gender dysphoria.
Shaking his head, Ax said, "I still do not understand how anyone makes that mistake."
Hearing that made me smile. From any other friend, I might think it was just a polite thing to say, but from Ax it felt genuine. "I also have to think about the fact that dating a dude can kind of...invalidate my gender identity, for some people? Which is cisheteronormative bullshit, but is still absolutely a thing." It would honestly be great if I didn't constantly think about decisions based on how it would affect other people seeing my gender.
"While I don't empathize with those feelings, I can sympathize with them. I'm sorry that the social pressure of those around us limits you like that." Now Ax was fighting a big boss guy, and still getting his butt kicked. Because of that, it took a while before he added a new question. "You're talking about a lot of issues with dating men in general. What are the specific problems with Jake?"
I didn't like how that sounded. 'Problems with Jake'. Sure, he had to figure out his sexuality, but that wasn't a problem, it was self exploration or something. "We've been best friends since kindergarten. He's the first person to know me as a boy. My feelings for him...they're so strong. Denying them, that meant they couldn't fuck this up. But now, if we try this and it goes wrong, it could ruin things permanently."
Ax clicked his tongue against his teeth, an annoyed sound. "Marco, you say that by hiding how you felt, you were stopping this from being an issue. But isn't that the reason things are happening now? Because you hid your feelings for so long? Too much pressure in a system will cause a fault. That isn't the fault of the pipes."
"So what? I should just ignore how this could blow up in my face?"
He scoffed. "You couldn't do that if you wanted to. You worry. You're a worrier. If entertainment media has taught me anything, it's that the real question to ask here is: would you be happy if it worked out?" I didn't have to reply to that. My silence spoke for me. "Then you should try it. Polyamory seems like a far better way of entangling yourself with others than monogamy."
"Says the eternal bachelor." Still, I got my phone out anyway. Might as well do something.
#throuple-zone-question-mark-exclamation-point
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:45pm: Dude, you awake?
BigJake#0110 Today at 9:47pm: no
BigJake#0110 Today at 9:47pm: typing this in my sleep
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:49pm: Leave the jokes to me
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:50pm: You're no good at it
BigJake#0110 Today at 9:50pm: and you are?
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:52pm: Damn
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:53pm: That hurt
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:53pm: Back to the reason I messaged you
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:54pm: There's no easy way to ask this
BigJake#0110 Today at 9:55pm: no you can't copy my notes
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:57pm: A) That is not what I was going to ask
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:57pm: B) Rude
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 9:58pm: What I was **going** to ask was if you were up for hanging out after class tomorrow
BigJake is typing...
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:02pm: If you're not free that's fine
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:06pm: Forget I asked
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:07pm: i think that would be fine
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:07pm: you dont have to apologize
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:08pm: was just checking with cassie about schedule stuff
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:09pm: dorms or something else?
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:11pm: I was thinking we could grab burgers at the Lion
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:12pm: why not inn n out
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:14pm: Because it's a fast food place that isn't fast
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:14pm: It's also not exactly a romantic spot for a first date, Jake.
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:15pm: Neither is the Lion but at least they have booths and good food.
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:15pm: okay its not romantic but what do you mean
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:16pm: are you saying inn n out isnt good food
TreeHugger3000 is typing...
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:17pm: Damn Cassie, that's tragic
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:18pm: Gonna have to call this in
You'reTheManNowDog#9922 Today at 10:20pm: You're going to lose your Cali citizenship for sure
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:21pm: [GIF of a cute anime girl crying]
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:21pm: I just prefer businesses that have better vegan options...
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:22pm: getting back on track
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:22pm: sure, lion sounds good to me
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:22pm: 3 3 3
TreeHugger3000#6203 Today at 10:23pm: I hope the date goes well!
BigJake#0110 Today at 10:24pm: me too