Rue pressed her test into the plastic container with both hands. Part of her didn't want to let it go – wanted again to go over every answer to every question until there wasn't a doubt in her mind she had succeeded. The other part never wanted to see the three stapled pieces of paper again.
She glanced at her teacher sitting on the other side of the desk and forced a small smile; Mrs. Carver, with her graying side-braid and large spectacles, showed little to no recognition of her student. Rue realized it was quite possible Mrs. Carver had, in fact, forgotten her name, considering Rue's tendency to skip class multiple times each week.
As she crossed the threshold to the hallway, Rue made a mental note to think about participating more in class in the future.
The bell had rung only a minute earlier, so students swarmed back and forth in both directions. Rue scanned the sea of people in search of a familiar face, but came up with nothing. She pushed on towards her locker, nudging aside a guy wearing too much cologne and who happened to be in her way.
With each step she took, Rue recollected the exam she had just survived. She had managed to make it through without falling into a full-fledged panic attack, which deserved some credit in Rue's mind. There were a few questions that threw her off; ones which caused Rue to scramble throughout her memories, begging herself to call to mind the words of the person who'd gradually but certainly become second nature to Rue.
Overall, though, Rue felt confident about a test for the first time in years.
"Do you think half of these kids even do their schoolwork?" the very voice she was thinking about asked while Rue was swapping out her textbooks. The suddenness of it caused Rue to start.
"Good god, woman," Rue said, closing the metal door, "are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
Lexi leaned against the wall with a sly smile on her face. "Sorry. Just getting you back for the other day."
"Fair enough." Rue mimicked Lexi's position, and their eyes roamed around the faces of their fellow students in unison. "As for your question, I'm not sure I'm the target audience for it. I don't think I should be speaking on who does and does not do schoolwork."
"Maybe last week," Lexi replied, "but this week you're a brand-new Rue. Or something like that."
"Is that so?" Rue's gaze found Lexi.
"It is so," Lexi answered firmly. She returned Rue's stare for another beat before adding, "How was the test?"
"I was actually looking for you on my way to this very spot in the hallway to tell you about it."
"My original plan was to wait outside the classroom so I could be the first person you saw, but I thought maybe that might be a bit creepy or invasive." Lexi shifted her own books from one arm to the other with a sheepish expression.
"Well," Rue said with a scoff, "if we had just gone with my original plan, you would've known how it went before it was even over."
Lexi's eyebrow lifted in question. "Your original plan?"
Rue nodded meaningfully. "Yeah, you know, the one where you skipped your period earlier today and instead showed up in mine, where you oh-so-conveniently sat right next to me, thereby enabling me to look off your test and ace the damn thing."
"Right," Lexi answered. She pushed herself off the wall to face Rue. "Maybe we'll do that next time."
"I'm holding you to that." Rue took a deep breath then continued, "It went well. I mean, I think it went well."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Rue nodded again. "A lot of it was just remembering shit you had told me over the weekend, so I think I managed."
"Rue," Lexi said, appearing flattered, "are you saying you were genuinely listening to me during our study sessions?"
The grin that flitted across Rue's lips couldn't have been stopped if she'd wanted it to. "Well, yeah. How could I not? Some things you just kept repeating over and over and over and over…"
"Okay, okay," Lexi interrupted. She reached out to poke Rue in the chest. "I get it. I'm not going to apologize for it, but I get it."
"I—" Rue was about to grab Lexi's hand to entwine their fingers, but remembered their current location and thought otherwise. People were still milling about, waiting until the last possible second to rush to class.
It had been less than 24 hours since their kiss. Neither Rue nor Lexi knew precisely what page they were on yet. There was much to be discussed, much to be figured out.
Even still, the electric charge between them was stronger than ever – stronger than it had been a day ago; it drew them towards one another and filled their heads with of images of touches and brushes of lips and rapid heartbeats.
Rue tried again, instead opting to gently grab the bottom hem of Lexi's sweater. She ran the fabric through her fingers, content for the moment to be touching a loose extension of Lexi.
"I never want you to apologize for it. And more importantly, you should know I don't just listen to you when you're helping me out. I always listen when you talk."
Lexi opened her mouth to reply, but she could utter nothing more than a soft "Thank you." Her knuckles briefly brushed across the inside of Rue's wrist, acknowledging both the compliment and the closeness.
"You're welcome."
The warning bell sounded and the idlers still in the hallway picked up their pace in hurried attempts to avoid being tardy. Lexi observed them with a glint in her eyes.
"I have an idea," she said.
"You want to ditch last period?" Rue suggested hopefully.
"That's exactly what I was going to say."
"Wait, really?"
Lexi nodded. "Really. We both have study hall anyway, so can we really call it 'ditching'?"
"I would never call that ditching," Rue swore. She put a hand over her heart to indicate how much she meant the statement.
"Okay, great, then let's go." Lexi turned on her heel and started leading the way to one of the side exits.
Rue hastened to catch up. "Lexi Howard, you kind of, sort of, might be a little bit of a bad influence on me."
As they approached the doors, Rue caught a glance of Jules and Elliot standing outside of a math classroom. They stood close together, chatting easily, as though they'd done so countless times.
It wasn't pure jealousy that flowed through Rue; it wasn't, for that matter, unadulterated rage either. Rue couldn't allocate a name to it: what she felt was a thousand different emotions at once, all of them clawing to be the foremost one. Something about two people who had held influential roles in Rue's life – albeit in extremely different manners – conversing without her, despite Rue being the very reason they knew each other in the first place.
Rue would've shaken it off, would've chalked it up to her mind not being able to think straight due to recent developments, if Jules hadn't looked up right as Rue passed by. She smiled, wide and genuine, and waved at Rue, who plastered on yet another fake grin and threw a stiff hand up in response.
Lexi, for her part, picked up on the awkward encounter and the subsequent shift that occurred in Rue's disposition as they left the building. She didn't push the subject, not yet, out of respect and out of the desire to preserve the steps she and Rue had taken recently.
They walked to Lexi's house in silence. When they arrived, both girls let out a sigh of relief. Despite its ghosts of arguments and abandonments, to Rue and Lexi, the Howard home signified a kind of safe haven; it was one of the places in which their friendship began years ago, one that provided a dome of protection when the outside world seemed too much. They had simultaneously found themselves and lost themselves inside the four walls.
"Remember when we would make forts in the living room?" Rue asked. She knew Lexi was aware of the tension she felt but didn't want ruin the mood.
"Of course," Lexi returned, "and my mom would get so mad when we took all of the pillows and blankets from the rest of the house."
"That's right." Rue smiled as the memories resurfaced. "We'd clear off every bed and couch around here, leaving nothing for anybody else."
"In our defense, we did make a damn good fort. I'd say it was worth it." Lexi continued out of the glass door in the kitchen, making way to the back patio. She sat on a reclining chair and stared upwards at the sky.
Rue followed suit and settled into the other chair. The only difference was that her eyes didn't leave the girl next to her.
"It feels weird skipping school," Lexi said.
"You'll get used to it."
Lexi rolled her head to the side so she could look at Rue. There was a soft smile on her face. "I'm not sure I want to get used to it."
"Okay," Rue drew out the word, "I don't want to point fingers or anything, but this one was your idea, and we're already here at your house, so you can't bail on me now."
"Definitely not bailing," Lexi breathed.
"Good answer."
They stared at each other and wished with everything in them they could stop time then and there. Carry on within the walls of the last day, with nothing more than the bliss it provided.
Neither girl was naïve.
"Rue—"
"No, don't say it." Rue shook her head like a child vehemently protesting an instruction they were given.
"You don't even know what I was going to say," Lexi countered.
"I sure do. You were going to bring up my awkward near run in with Jules and Elliot and what it means."
Lexi let out a puff of air and Rue knew she'd gotten it spot on.
"Fine, you do know what I was going to say."
"Told ya," Rue said through a knowing smirk. Then she drew in a breath. "Lexi, like I said, I'm over Jules. I know that might be a bold statement and it might be a lot to ask you to believe, but—"
"No, no," Lexi cut in, "that's not where I was going with all this."
"It's not?"
"No."
"Oh." Rue sat up and perched on the edge of her seat, looking curious. "Then where were you going with it?"
"I just…" Lexi twisted her legs around so their knees were touching. She ran a hand through her hair before continuing, "I guess it's just…don't you think it might be a little bit unhealthy to keep holding this grudge you have against Jules and Elliot?" Her eyes were wide and probing.
Rue snorted dismissively. "I'm not holding a grudge against them."
"Uh, yeah, you absolutely are. Last week you saw me talking to Elliot in the hall and wanted to beat him up," Lexi reminded her.
"I meant, like, metaphorical beating him up—"
"You called him, and I quote, a 'fucking snitch'."
Not a single explanation popped into Rue's head for that one. "Okay, well…he is a fucking snitch."
Lexi nodded like it made sense to her. "So you're still pissed about the intervention thing."
"Of course I'm still pissed about the intervention thing."
"Why—"
"Because it wasn't their business to tell!" Rue cried out. She slammed her fists on her thighs. "I was handling it. Drugs, life, I was…I was…"
"You were drowning, and you couldn't find your way back up," Lexi said matter-of-factly.
Rue knew that was true. She also knew her anger was misplaced and unfair. She was very much holding a grudge regardless of what she had tried to tell herself. "Yeah."
"I would've done the same thing if I were them," Lexi said. It was a deadpan comment – one that forced a silence upon them for several seconds.
"No, you wouldn't have," Rue responded automatically.
"Yes, I would have."
"Bullshit," Rue answered. "You helped me fake drug tests so my mom wouldn't find out. You would not have been part of an intervention because that would've made you a fucking hypocrite."
It came out harshly and, worse, easily. Rue hadn't intended it to sound critical, but the subject matter wasn't one she loved. And Lexi was caught in the crossfire.
Lexi, however, wasn't fazed by it. "Yeah, I helped fake your drug tests because I was a fucking idiot and thought that's what you needed from me as a friend. But then I realized how stupid I was being and vowed to never do it again."
That left Rue all but speechless. "Okay." She didn't have anything more elaborate.
"Can I say something else?" Lexi inquired.
Rue's aversion to the topic was made obvious by her face, but they had to talk about it sometime. Even if it did put a slight, temporary dent in their moods from last night.
"Sure."
"Don't get mad at me."
"I won't get mad at you, Lexi."
"Promise?" Lexi reached a pinky out.
The simplicity of the gesture carved through Rue's current hard exterior and brought a smile to her face. She locked their fingers around one another. "I promise."
"Good," Lexi said, then put her hands back in her lap. "You have got to let go of the grudge."
It was almost too simple for Rue to comprehend; she had been anticipating something bigger, grander, and with more words, more complexity.
At first, Rue didn't quite understand why Lexi thought she'd get mad about it. But if it were as simple as it sounded, Rue would have done it a while ago. She would've been able to look at Jules in the hallway without the desire to dig her nails deep into her palms. She would be able to see the intervention for what it truly was, rather than projecting her unreasonable feelings onto it.
She hadn't made it there yet, however, so the only option she saw was lashing out. If only she hadn't made a promise only seconds ago.
"I know I said you'd be a good therapist," Rue replied as calmly as she could, "but you're not my therapist. Please don't tell me what to do."
"You don't go to therapy," Lexi pointed out grimly. "And I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you or anything. I'm not making demands of you. I am saying this as your friend – as someone who has known you for practically our whole lives. You keep holding the grudge against Jules and Elliot and it is going to eat you alive."
Rue, though softened by Lexi's unwavering care, continued to feel the urge to be stubborn. "Or maybe it'll fuel my fire to become the best, most successful person the world has ever seen."
"We wouldn't be having this conversation if that were true."
The majority of Lexi knew she was bordering on being too harsh with Rue. There had been enough devastation in Rue's life that justified her constant weariness. But the part of Lexi that drove her to spearhead the conversation further wanted Rue to rid herself of the guilt and anger she has held onto for so long. Otherwise, she would always have one foot stuck somewhere in the past.
"It could be true," Rue retaliated, but it was futile and they both recognized it.
Lexi grabbed one of Rue's clenched hands and smoothed it out so she could grip it. "Rue, please look at me," she said gently.
Rue, who had been staring at the cushion's fabric as though her life depended on it, glanced up.
"I know you have it so deeply engrained in your mind that you are a burden to people or you're not worthy of love and respect and a second chance, but I need you to understand that it's not true. None of it is true." Lexi's voice was soft, but she said the words with a conviction that made them reverberate through Rue's body. "I get it. From where you stand, what Jules and Elliot did is the definition of snitching. But from where the rest of us stand…they told your mom about everything because they care about you."
"Elliot does not care about me," Rue disputed, prompting an eyeroll from Lexi.
"Okay, I think for everyone's sanity, maybe we should just pretend Elliot doesn't exist for the time being," Lexi suggested.
"Yeah, that'd be best," Rue concurred with an enthusiastic nod.
"Anyway," Lexi went on pointedly, "Jules told your mom about everything because she cares about you. You know it. I know it. Anyone who ever laid eyes on you two knows it. And you can continue to be pissed, you can try to place the blame on other people, but it doesn't change why she did what she did."
Again, it wasn't anything Rue hadn't thought about. Yet, every time she thought about the situation there was always something lingering in the back of her thoughts. Something that fueled the anger that seemingly always coursed through her. Something dark and nagging.
"I know," Rue said eventually. "I do know that. I just…" She couldn't find the accurate words to assign to her thoughts.
"Rue, people care about you. People love you. Quite a few people, actually. And when people care about you, they do things to show they care. You deserve it. No matter what you've conditioned your brain to think." Lexi lightly swung their linked hands back and forth to emphasize her point.
That was enough to make it make sense for Rue: she had long since convinced herself that everything she's done made her unqualified in the department of receiving any kind of positive interactions. At some point, she began believing it seemed a stretch that people would want to do something for her own good.
It wasn't the optimal mindset by a long shot, but it's what Rue had saddled herself with.
Lexi wasn't going to let it go on without a fight.
And maybe Rue wasn't going to drop her walls right then right there to let everything and everyone in at once. Maybe it would take a while longer for her to actually believe Lexi's sentiments. But hearing them caused small cracks to trickle up Rue's walls; little rifts that started to let light into an otherwise deep void.
"Thanks," Rue pushed out.
"You're welcome."
"Drugs really fuck up the way you think about the world, you know that?" Rue asked thoughtfully.
"Can't say I know from experience, but yeah, makes sense," Lexi agreed.
Silence followed, and both girls knew they were through talking about the heavy content. If they had it their way, they were through talking all together.
"So," Lexi said after a minute, "you'll forgive Jules?"
Rue tilted her head in thought. "Just Jules, not Elliot?"
"Just Jules, not Elliot," Lexi confirmed, mostly because she didn't want to embark on a losing battle.
"If I promise to forgive her, do I get to kiss you again?" There was a sparkle in Rue's eye which somehow lit up the rest of her face too.
In response, Lexi pushed herself up from her chair and sat down on Rue's, draping her legs over Rue's knees. "Considering kissing you has been the only thing I've thought about for almost the last 24 hours," she said, "yes, if you promise to forgive Jules, we can make that happen."
Rue fumbled around to grab Lexi's pinkie and wind hers around it for the second time that day. "Okay. I promise."
Then there wasn't any distance between them. Their lips touched and the rest of the world melted away so all that was left was their proximity: Lexi's hands tangled in Rue's hair, Rue's fingertips running up Lexi's leg to pull her impossibly closer at the waist.
Minutes later, breathing heavily, Rue whispered, "Do you know what I want?"
Lexi hummed in response. "I'm really hoping you're going to say you want to keep doing this," she said just as quietly.
"Yes," Rue answered, "hell yes. But there's something else."
"What is it?"
"I want to take you out on a date," Rue said. The vulnerability in her voice made her want to slap a hand across her forehead, but she went on, "I mean, like, an actual date. No studying for tests, no talking about grudges. Just you, me, and the oyster that is our world. With lame ass clichés from the movies and everything."
The grin on Lexi's face was big enough and wonderful enough to send a blush creeping through Rue's cheeks in the best way possible.
"Well, I'll be damned," Lexi replied, her own face flushed as well, "Rue Bennett. You really are a romantic."
"Yeah, yeah," Rue waved a hand, "maybe I am. But what do you say?"
"I say," Lexi murmured, "if you're there, I'm there."
"Thank god. That would've been embarrassing otherwise."
"I'll always say yes to a date with you."
Rue twirled a piece of Lexi's hair around her pointer finger. "You might live to regret that one day."
"Never." Lexi brushed her nose against Rue's cheek. "What'd you have in mind for this date?"
"I…haven't thought that far ahead," Rue said truthfully. "But I will. I don't know the first fucking thing about normal functioning relationships, but for you, Lexi Howard, I will learn it all."
"You're gonna make me like you even more," Lexi answered, then leaned in to resume the kissing.
"Good, then my plan is working like a charm."