Notes:

First of all I'm really sorry that I haven't updated this story in forever.

Part of it is that the way Arrow ended Oliver's story was very dissatisfying to me. I personally don't feel they did him justice.

Another reason is that this story focuses heavily on Oliver and Sara's emotional troubles and mental health issues and that is very draining. To be honest, the way this entire series started out was a fun Canarrow road trip fic because I thought they deserved it after all the crap they've been through. But Oliver and Sara decided that they were not down for that because they were not in the right mind for that. And that's how it turned into this.

So this is going to be a little rant but I feel it's important you guys know where I'm coming from.

The fact that this story is placed in Season 4/5 of Arrow and requires me to re-watch it plays into why I haven't been updating. The way Arrow ended makes it very hard for me to re-watch those seasons. Knowing he'll end up spending eternity with a woman that has treated him horribly on so many levels and occasions and chose her husband over his son and their daughter while Oliver would've given everything to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up but chose the sake of the world his children lived in above his personal desires. So a man that selfless ending up with a woman that selfish gives me some trouble watching or re-watching the entire show to be honest. I've had my issues with Olicity and Felicity for a while, but the ending made it so much worse. I lost my father as a child and just the thought that my mom would've been like "oh well you're in your early twenties now, so I'm going to abandon you now" is inconceivable. What kind of mother does that? It would've been something different if she would've sacrificed herself like Moira did but this… I just can't…

Felicity had so little regard for her own daughter, even going out in the field while being pregnant and risking losing her when she had absolutely no reason to be in the field to begin with. Even less so given Sara was in town and Oliver even asked her to take it easy and be careful. I don't get how there are people who thought this was amazing and so empowering. In my opinion it was stupid and reckless and just showed how little she cared about the innocent life she was responsible for. And the ending of Arrow just confirmed that.

While I'll try really hard to stay fair to Felicity and not bash her, I just want people to know that this story will not paint her in the best light and she will be faced with consequences for her actions and behavior. I do not stand for any type of abuse even less when it's towards someone who's already struggling with mental health issues, which Oliver clearly is. If you have a problem with any of this, please turn away and do not read. Thank you.

Chapter 3

But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief

Oliver

Oliver dragged the hand that wasn't holding a drink over his eyes. The drink had been in his hand from the moment he had finished cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. It was still the very same drink hours after he had poured it. He'd been sitting in the darkened living room, staring out the window, watching his city for just as long.

The afternoon at Laurel and Thea's had been exhausting, and he felt emotionally drained. Trying to keep people from seeing just how emotionally out of balance he was, took everything from him. Well, the little he had left after giving most of his strength to Sara. He needed to be strong for her, for them both. At least in public.

The last thing he wanted was for everyone to know just how much he was struggling. How giving up his son, not being a part of his life was tearing him apart. Felicity's reaction to William, the utter lack of understanding and her hurtful words when he bared his soul to her were still haunting him. He had given her everything he had. Well, everything he had had left, and he knew it wasn't much. Not after losing Tommy. And then his mom. And then Sara again, for what he had believed to be the last time. The third time he had lost her to death, the first time he had proof in the form of her lifeless body. And then almost losing Thea.

And joining the League had taken part of what little was left of his soul.

But Felicity had known that. It was why he had been reluctant to have a relationship with her to begin with. She had known who and how he was from the moment she joined the team. She was the one who insisted on giving them a shot. Yet, it hadn't been enough. He hadn't been enough, just as he had known from the beginning, and nothing he did could change that.

He didn't feel he was worthy of love after everything he did in the League. It was why he ran from the people that mattered most to him. He had thought leaving Star City would change that. That he could change. He could become a man worthy of her love. It was why he left. Why he abandoned Thea, even though she would have needed him. He had tried so hard to change, to be better, to do better, to be the man Felicity wanted him to be. And he thought he had succeeded. He thought they had been happy in Ivy Town. Well, as it turned out, he had been, but she hadn't. Yet, she didn't tell him that. Why? Why hadn't she told him? They could've figured something out. Worked on it.

He had gone back to Star City because it was what she had wanted. Put on the hood again, because it was what she had wanted. He had tried so hard, but nothing he did seemed to have been enough. And yet he had stayed with her. Had tried even harder because everyone told him they were perfect for each other. How lucky he was that she loved him… but if she loved him, why did she walk out on him when he needed her the most? Why did she turn around and walk away while he was ripping his own heart out to ensure his son's safety? Was it really love she had felt? He couldn't help but compare Felicity's reaction to Sara's. Felicity had literally gotten up from her wheelchair and walked out on him. While Sara had come running back home to him, insisting that she wouldn't let him go through this alone; "Together, remember?".

Felicity's words were still haunting him, just like the images of William in Damien Darhk's grasp. He had to remind himself that Darhk was dead and would never be a problem again.

And now everything with Sara was weighing heavily on his shoulders too and slowly but surely pushing him towards a black abyss.

Sara was the only one who knew just how bad a place he was in and he intended to keep it that way. Just like he knew that Sara didn't want anyone besides him to know just how much she was struggling. Oh, he knew, and so did Sara, that everyone was aware of the fact that Sara was not herself, well not her old self, it was very obvious after all, but they couldn't even fathom the depths of despair she was drowning in. The state they saw her in did not even scratch the surface of how messed up his Sara was mentally and emotionally. They didn't know just what she was fighting every second of every day. And they never would if she had a say in it. She would rather face it all alone then burden her family with her demons. But she wasn't alone. He wasn't going to let her go through this alone. He wasn't going to let her go ever again. They would either manage to drag each other out of this quicksand of despair or drown together. That was the whole point. Together. How it was supposed to be. How it always had been. The two of them together facing the devil and clawing their way back out of hell, kicking and screaming. But it was exhausting fighting a battle every single day and still feeling you were losing the war. He was just so very tired of it all. Tired of trying, of pretending… and he knew that Sara understood, felt the same way even. He was fighting for her, getting up every day because of her, to make sure she wouldn't give up. And he knew he was her reason too.

Taking care of Sara took its toll on him. Even more so because all of this started out with her coming home to take care of him… or as much as he would let her. Still, he was grateful for it to some degree and that just made him feel horrible. But taking care of her or trying to as well as he could, and she would let him, gave him a purpose, something to do and focus on besides just how much he missed his son.

Oliver knew he should go to bed and try to get some sleep, but he was too exhausted to get up. The only reason he had managed to get himself to make dinner was to ensure that Sara would eat.

He should go check up on her.

He hadn't seen her since dinner. Not that it was unusual for her to seek solitude and disappear on him. No, not disappear, not really anyway. He always knew that she was close by and he'd be able to reach her in no time if she needed him. She reminded him of a cat sometimes. Being able to just disappear for hours on end with no trace and then suddenly, noiselessly pop up out of nowhere. Speaking of popping up… he moved his hand from his eyes when he felt the soft touch caressing his cheek.

"You should get some sleep, Ollie." And looked straight into Sara's worried blue eyes.

"C'mon". She moved the hand from his cheek to take his hand and pull him from the loveseat. He placed the drink on the table next to it and let her drag him down the hall and into his bedroom. She moved him to his bed and softly pushed him onto it.

"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep." Oliver lay down on the bed and Sara followed suite, moving his head onto her chest. One hand stroked his hair while the other drew soothing circles on his back. He wrapped his arms around her and drew himself closer and felt some of the tension leave his body and he slowly started to relax. He could hear the steady beating of her heart, providing a calming rhythm to her soft humming, as he felt his eyelids grow heavy.

He wanted to tell her to stay, that she needed to get some sleep too. He knew that he would wake up alone in bed, with Sara off somewhere having spent the night trapped in her own mind, staring into nothing, if he didn't tell her to stay and sleep. But he was too tired, and everything went black before he got the chance to utter a single word.

Oliver woke up to an empty bed, just as he had predicted. He got up and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He and Sara did have an important appointment today, and he was planning on taking care of some other things in the afternoon, so he needed to get ready.

He checked the time once he got dressed and noted that they had another hour until they needed to leave. He left his room and moved towards the kitchen, wondering whether Sara was hidden away somewhere and he had to go look for her after he made breakfast. Stepping into the kitchen nullified his thoughts. Sara was sitting cross-legged on the kitchen table eating a bowl of oatmeal and fruit, a cup of tea next to her while she was watching the news on the TV.

"Ruvé Adams is the mayor now, did you know that?" Sara's eyes stayed trained on the TV while talking. "There's fresh coffee, I made it for you. Thought you could probably use it. You tossed and turned a lot. But you never woke up. I thought about waking you a couple of times but figured you could use the rest and it probably wasn't that bad if you didn't wake up on your own. You haven't really slept since we decided to come back home."

Oliver walked towards the counter and poured himself a cup of the aforementioned coffee. All the while listening to Sara and the news playing in the background.

"Yeah, I had some weird dreams, they were mostly confusing and made little sense. There may have been one or two nightmares too, but nothing too bad. Did you get some sleep?" He turned towards her, waiting for her answer.

"Crime's up by 13 percent, might just be the new mayor or maybe someone new has moved in while you were gone. Could still be H.I.V.E just under different leadership, maybe Ruvé's taken over. What do you think Malcom's been up to?" Those were all great and troubling questions, questions he'd think about at another time. He had more important things to focus on and worry about right now, given their appointment later on. It was also a pretty good attempt, on the blonde's side, to ignore his question and change the subject.

"I guess it's possible that Ruvé's taken over H.I.V.E and is using her position as mayor to ensure their hold of the city. Wouldn't surprise me if Malcom had a hand in all of this too." He decided to play along for now, at least until he had finished his first cup of coffee. No point risking an argument before that.

"There are hash browns in the oven, and some sliced tomatoes and fresh eggs in the fridge. I wasn't sure when you'd come to the kitchen, it's why I haven't put the eggs in the pan yet. You should eat. I made them from scratch just for you." She finally moved her eyes from the TV to spare him a stern look.

"Thank you. I appreciate it." And he did. Sara always seemed to know just what he needed and when he needed it. "How about I eat, and you tell me how you slept last night?" Oliver stared her down with a challenging look until she turned back to the TV and he then turned towards the stove and put two eggs into the pre-prepared pan.

She looked okay this morning. Someone who didn't know her would even say that she looked normal. But he could see that she simply pushed everything as far from her mind as she possibly could. Put everything in a box, locked it and shoved it in the deepest corner of her mind. If that was what she needed to do to get through this morning, then he wouldn't question it. Besides it wasn't as if he had any grounds of judging or questioning her methods, he was doing the exact same thing.

"Okay, I guess. Woke up once every hour but the total amount of sleep I managed to get was okay." She finally answered his question.

"You still okay with Laurel coming over in the afternoon while I take care of some things in the city?" Oliver took his plate, refilled his coffee mug and sat down at the table, right in front of Sara.

"Yeah, that's fine. I should be okay with Laurel, I guess." Sara gave him what he thought was probably supposed to be a reassuring smile but looked like a rather weak attempt.

"You sure?", he wanted to be certain that she would be fine being alone with her sister. "I can always go some other time."

"No, it's fine. Oh, someone broke into the National History Museum. I wonder what they wanted." It was not difficult for him to recognize an obvious case of 'drop the subject, Oliver' on her side. They finished their respective breakfast and cleaned the kitchen up together before preparing to leave.

"Hey, you ready to go?" The tall man turned towards his slight roommate, once she joined him at their front door, putting his hand on her cheek and searching her eyes for the truth.

"As ready as I'll ever be. Thank you for coming with me." Sara put her hand on top of his before removing it from her cheek and giving his palm a quick kiss.

"Of course. Together, remember?" Oliver gave her a kiss on the forehead and what he hoped would be an encouraging smile. He then took her hand and together they somberly left the apartment, on their way to their appointment.

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