Notes:

I swear I love Oliver and Sara to death and think that they deserve only all the good things... it's to my fault that they don't agree...

Just a little warning: This part is pretty heavy. We get into both of their minds, in both the present and the past.

Chapter 5; At the top of my lungs my screams sink to the bottom

Two months ago:

Sara's eyes were fixated on the object in her hands. It didn't matter that she had long since lost her focus on it. Her thoughts were going a million miles a minute. There were too many to remember them all, but her mind kept on going back to the same ones every couple of minutes.

How did this happen?

How could this have happened?

Why was this happening to HER?

To THEM?

And why now?

Maybe in a different life… maybe even the one she's had before three arrows pierced her chest and sent her tumbling off of a rooftop, just to be swallowed, and then for her empty husk to be spit out by the Lazarus pit, alive but filled with demons.

If she had made different choices then, if they hadn't needed the League's help, if she had stayed with Ollie… maybe… but even then…

It was too much, all of this was just too much.

She felt her lungs constrict, her throat close up, she started to struggle to pull air into her lungs. Black dots started to appear in her vision and still her eyes stayed locked on the object in her hands. Her attempts to draw in air became more desperate until she suddenly felt bile rise where the air couldn't go. This led to her half leaping, half dragging her exhausted body from her position sitting with her back to the door forward to the toilet. Emptying her stomach of the little content that was inside.

This was how Ollie found her. The thought of how he got passed the locked door crossed her mind for a moment before her body demanded her full attention again. She registered that Ollie was talking to her, his voice was soothing, but she couldn't make out the words. His large hand was stroking her back while the other one was moving the hair from her face. She was sure that there was bile in it, but he didn't seem to mind soiling his hand. It wasn't until later when her body stopped demanding to get rid of what her empty stomach couldn't provide that Ollie's hand left her back. She could see it in the corner of her eye as it moved towards the floor to pick up the object she must have dropped next to the toilet in her desperation to reach the bowl in time.

"Sara? What…?" the voice of her most treasured friend was quiet and disbelieving.

"We fucked up." Hers to the point and unforgiving, although hoarse from throwing up and lack of air. Because that was the conclusion she reached. They've fucked up. For the first time in over ten years they managed to fuck up majorly and irreparably. This was a mess they couldn't undo. Nothing that could be fixed or avoided or undone. No apology and conversation to make things right again, or at least better. There was no easy fix no matter how much she wanted there to be because there was no choice, no matter what people said. Her hands could not be coated in this particular shade of red. This was one life that she was not able to take. Trained assassin, merciless vigilante, blood hungry demon, ice cold killer… defeated by an unborn child.

Having a child should be a happy occasion and bring the new parents joy and excitement. Yet all she could feel was dread, numbness and despair, as the realization that she would have a baby set in.

She couldn't be a mom. She wasn't a mom. She was a mess. She was broken.

Humpty Dumpty who sat on and fell off the Empire State Building instead of a wall. Humpty Dumpty who had more than one fall and kept on falling after every time she got back up. And all the king's horses and all the king's man could never, ever put her back together again. She had shattered into too many pieces when she fell after three arrows had pierced her chest. So many pieces that not even the Lazarus pit managed to put them back together again, or it did, but the pieces no longer fit right and some of them got lost forever.

How was a broken shell of a person, a murderer, a monster supposed to raise a child?

She had died, how was she capable of giving life to anything? She was dead inside. Dead things shouldn't be able to give life. This shouldn't have been possible. This couldn't be happening.

Not now. Not to her. Not to him.

This must be a nightmare, if not it was a particularly cruel joke the universe was playing on her and Ollie.

Ollie, her Ollie who had just given up his baby boy to protect him and keep him safe. God, how could this be happening to them? How could she do this to him. She was supposed to take care of him. Help him get better, not make his life worse. But that's what she always ended up doing. Hurting him even more. Causing him endless pain, suffering and trauma. Making his life more complicated.

She shouldn't have convinced him to come travel with her. She should have just left Star after they… after.

She felt her arms pulling him into her on their own accord. Moving his head in the spot between her shoulder, collarbone and chest, that was his and his alone. Her hand stroking his hair was a reflex springing from a habit that was almost as old as their friendship. One that comforted her just as much as it did him.

Ollie, her Ollie, she would never be able to understand why he didn't hate her. She had given him countless reasons to over the years. And yet here he was. Stalwart and true. Always there to comfort and protect her. Her one constant. He meant the world to her. Knowing he was here and that he would always be here no matter what she did to him, the times she tried to break him, tore him apart and ripped his heart to shreds, meant everything. He meant everything. How could this be happening to them? Haven't they suffered enough yet?

And why was the universe so cruel to throw an innocent life into the physical and mental war zone they called their lives?

Oliver sat at the desk in their office looking at the brochures and information pamphlets that they'd been given a couple of hours ago. There were also some notes in Sara's handwriting amidst all the other official-looking papers. Some of the words on it were underlined, others had circles around them and there were a few that were marked with an exclamation point. But one of her papers with her notes stood out among everything else. All it said was "adoption agencies" followed by a list of names that their consultant at Planet Parenthood had given them.

Oliver took a deep breath and put his head into his hands. This was too much, all of it. The information that they had been given this morning. The decision that they are forced to make. Not that there was any question about what they would choose to do. There was only one right thing to do. And they both knew that, but it didn't make it any easier.

And being home meant that their families would eventually find out and not agree with their choice. They would try to get involved with the situation and decision, to try and change their minds. Sara had a clear opinion about that and he knew she wouldn't budge under the pressure. He wasn't so sure about himself. He didn't know what he would do if Thea, Laurel and Quentin ganged up on him. He was sure what the right choice was. He agreed wholeheartedly with Sara, but their families had a way of getting to him and make him do things he didn't agree with. Sara was stronger in that regard, always had been. Once she made up her mind no one except the woman herself could change it. She never would have left Star to begin with if that weren't true.

How had they ended up in this situation? Why did life keep on getting more complicated and painful? Would they ever stop being punished for their sins? Why were his innocent children being punished for them now too? This was not fair, it was not his son's and this baby's fault that they had him, a monster, as a father.

He recalled the moment that changed his life forever as if it were yesterday while staring at Sara's notes. How she'd been acting strange for a while, but he hadn't questioned her about it. Trusting that she would confide in him when she was ready. There was no reason to push her. That was until he got back to their hotel room after a trip to the store. To an empty room. And a locked bathroom door. With Sara behind it, throwing up. He had tried to get her to answer him and open the door. Getting more concerned and agitated by the second when he didn't receive an answer from her. So, he kicked the door in, knowing that there was no danger to her given the position of the toilet. He hadn't hesitated to go to her and try to comfort her the moment he got through the door. He had noticed the box on the sink in the corner of his eyes but put it away for later. Sara was more important. He was sure it had been at least an hour later when she finally seemed to have calmed down and he allowed himself to remove his hand from her back to pick up the second object he had noticed but ignored for the time being. His breath had stopped, and his heart fell in his stomach when he saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test in his hand.

All he could remember were Sara's words: "We fucked up." The next couple of hours had been a blur until Sara had exhausted herself and had fallen asleep in his arms and he had carried her to the bed:

Oliver sat on the chair next to the bed, watching Sara sleep. It had taken her hours to fall asleep. Hours in which she cried, cried so hard that she made herself sick again. Hours that she had spent apologizing to him. Telling him how this was all her fault. How everything bad that had ever happened to him was her fault. How she kept on causing him pain and making his life harder. Taking the blame for their current situation. He doesn't know whether he said something. He remembers nothing he did or possibly said besides holding her in his arms or her holding him, trying to calm her down. He might have cried too, but he's not sure. Maybe he screamed. He knew that he felt like screaming. Still does. He might ask her when she wakes up. But in the end, it doesn't matter. Their reaction doesn't change the situation they found themselves in.

He feels like hitting something. Beating someone up or having someone beat him up. Giving air to his anger or letting physical pain distract him from his emotional one. Anything to stop thinking about this. To forget everything but most of all this unbearable pain he was feeling for just a moment. But he knows he's not going to go look for trouble. He's not going to leave Sara alone, not tonight. Maybe not ever.

Sara was pregnant. He and Sara are having a baby. Which meant another life on his shoulders. Another person he was responsible for. Another target that could be used against him. And this one would be completely helpless and dependent on him. Every life he touched turned to ash… why should their baby's life be different?

Oliver still couldn't believe this. How? That was the question he kept on coming back to. Over 10 years without a single pregnancy scare. Not one and they spent most of their affair drunk or high or both. And now, now… one night. And they had been careful. They had made sure because they both agreed a baby was the last thing they needed on top of everything else that they were dealing with. A child didn't fit into their lives, it's why he gave up his son. Bringing one into the mess that they were calling their lives would be irresponsible.

They were both seriously fucked up. They couldn't provide the emotional care and stability that a child required. They barely managed to take care of themselves and they couldn't be further away from being emotionally healthy if they tried. They both had some serious mental health issues. And not just their PTSD.

Yet they both agreed on one other thing too. Abortion was not an option. Adding the blood of their innocent, unborn child to their hands was not something either of them could do.

Killing was one thing, this was something else entirely.

The only other option would be to give the child up for adoption after… after Sara had shared her body with it for nine months, after she subjected herself to the pain and strain of labor, after they would meet their child, hear its first breaths, first cries, holding it…

Letting it go to provide it with the life a child deserved, one they could not give.

Give up yet another child.

Could he do that?

Giving up William, letting him go, letting him have a save, normal life was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Could he do it again? Could he let another child grow up never knowing who their father was? Risking the child thinking its parents gave them up because they didn't want them, which was true but not the way a child would assume. Not because they didn't love it, their situation was too complicated to expect a child to understand it. Understand the difficult position they were put in. They weren't in a good place. They were both battling their demons and this time around it felt like they were both losing the fight. How could you explain to someone even less a child that the reason it was given up was because Mommy was dangerous to everyone including herself and Daddy was so emotionally fucked up that he couldn't see the point of trying to connect with anyone, let anyone in anymore most of the time? That he felt like he didn't deserve for people to care about him. That he wasn't worth it. He was a liar. He destroyed everything he touched. Hurt everyone he loved. He was a monster.

He had trouble sleeping, forgot to eat regularly. He didn't even remember that he had to eat too while making sure Sara ate. She literally had to remind him while he was watching her eat. Or couldn't remember when the last time was he did eat when she asked after she had a particularly bad day and spent most of it hidden away somewhere trapped in her own mind. How do you explain to someone that they were given up because their parents didn't want them to be subjected to the horror, trauma, danger and emotional baggage that their lives were?

Could he do it? Could Sara?

The answer to both questions was a solid yes, for the sake of their baby. But could they live with it? Would this be the choice that would finally break them? He wasn't sure. Every time he thought of William and the knowledge that he would never see his son grow up made him feel as if his insides were being ripped to shreds. It was the worst pain he had ever felt in his life.

Sara slowly padded towards the living room but stopped at the door to the office when she noticed Ollie in it. He was hunched over the desk. His head in his hands. There was no doubt in her mind that he had been staring at the papers on it for hours.

Probably for as long as she had been asleep. Those hormones were seriously kicking her ass. She was in a permanent state of exhaustion and the smallest things led to her needing to take a nap.

She felt her heart constrict knowing just how much he was struggling with their decision.

She wished she could do more to help him. But right now, all she could do was make sure that he and everyone else were focused on her while they were in public and take care of him while they were home. And keeping him grounded with her touch, letting him know that he was not alone, that she was there and that she was on his side, always. She had held on to him to ground herself and him too, giving him a small amount of comfort and some of her strength. Knowing that he was doing the same for her.

It was the only way she knew how to shield him from the world, their family and friends. Having them focus on her, keep them from noticing just how bad he was doing, how much pain he was in and therefore keep them from asking him questions he was not ready or willing to answer. Answers they felt he owed them. Answers that weren't anyone's business to begin with.

Knowing the extreme emotional impact that the afternoon with his supposed friends had had on him caused her physical pain and made her sick. She still couldn't believe that Felicity had been there. She couldn't believe the woman's audacity after everything she had done to him? The way she had torn out his heart and the negative impact her actions and words had had on his mental health. How could the others have allowed and agreed to this? Did they not realize how hard it would be on Ollie? How difficult an entire afternoon with all of them would be to begin with, even without having the woman who tore him to shreds there?

She didn't understand when and how things had come to this. When everything had turned this bad for Ollie. Where had the people who helped and supported him gone? When had his friends turned into enemies? It was almost as if everyone was ganging up on Ollie whenever possible. Telling him just what he was doing wrong whenever the situation would allow it. Letting him know just how bad of a person he was. How he had failed so many. And generally, just telling him that everything bad in everyone's lives was his fault. As if that wasn't a conclusion he would reach all by himself.

His friends should be the ones to deny this outrageous claim not knock it into him and confirm his darkest fears.

When had Felicity and Diggle become like this, and why? When had Thea and Laurel decided that water was thicker than blood? What had happened to everyone here during the year she had been dead?

She had stayed quiet the whole afternoon because she didn't trust herself. Didn't trust that she wouldn't say something that would make the situation even worse for Ollie. They had talked about his and Felicity's relationship and the breakup. And he had made her promise not to say anything and to not confront Felicity. She seriously regretted making this promise after the previous afternoon. She had spent the time just listening and watching and she hadn't liked what she saw. Not at all. But it had not been the right time to say something. It might never be… only time would tell.

She and Ollie had had talked about a lot of things during their travels, but they never really talked about what had happened after she had died. All she knew was the information she had gotten from Laurel, Thea and her dad before she had left eight months ago and minor pieces that Ollie had shared in context to his and Felicity's relationship. Maybe they should have. It was something at the top of her list of things to ask him about. But she had decided to wait until he was doing better. Her unplanned pregnancy had led to her never getting around to asking. This was on her. They should have talked about it before coming back home. So that she knew what she was dealing with and what to expect. It would've helped her figure out how to help and protect him from more pain. One more time she had failed him as a friend. She needed to start make up for every time she had failed him. Protecting him from everyone was the only thing she could currently do to help him.

No, that was not true. There was one more thing… but he might not appreciate it. Was it worth an argument right now? Or should she wait and see how things progressed? Or would it be too late if she waited? There was only one way to find out.

The small blonde squared her shoulders and stepped into the room.

"Ollie?"

Notes:

Again this is what happens when you plan to write a nice, happy, fun Canarrow road trip pic after Felicity broke off the engagement. Because you know those two deserve nice things and time to relax.

And then both Oliver and Sara go:

"Nope, not happening. We are seriously depressed during this period in our lives and want to add an unplanned pregnancy to the mix... just because we don't have enough shit to deal with yet."

Again, I'm so sorry about this. I promise one day I will write the nice, happy, fun Canarrow road trip but until then angst and pain it is...