CW: very brief mention of suicide

The next Saturday, James and Sirius were exercising relentlessly. They were doing push-ups, sit-ups, star-jumps, and running like their lives depended on it.

"How is any of this going to help you with your Quidditch trials?" I asked, crossing my arms. "The sport is played on brooms."

"We need… to be… fit…" James puffed, doing pushups at rapid speed.

Their Quidditch trials were that afternoon, so the two of them insisted they needed to prepare all day out on the school grounds. Peter and I were sitting with them, half doing some homework, half watching them.

They exercised basically all day, and just when I'd started to doze off, James screamed, "THE TRIALS START IN TEN MINUTES! LET'S GET TO THE QUIDDITCH PITCH! NOW!"

Sirius pulled me up and the four of us rushed to the Quidditch Pitch. Just before we entered, Kate Weasley approached us, giggling.

"Good luck, Sirius," she said, smiling brightly.

"Um, thanks." said Sirius, sounding confused.

She blushed, then handed him a piece of paper shaped as a heart then ran away. I read over Sirius's shoulder to read: Roses are red, violets are blue, you're a Quidditch star, so I love you.

James and Peter howled in laughter, but I felt anger rise in me. Burning fury… jealousy. I wasn't sure why, was it because I was still feeling shaken from what happened over summer, or something else, but without thinking, I snatched the paper off him.

"You good?" James asked, still sniggering at Sirius.

"I-I'm… yeah, sorry," I stuttered, handing the love letter back to Sirius, feeling embarrassed now. "Just… um, aren't you a bit too young for that sort of thing, Sirius?"

"Yeah, probably," he laughed. Brushing it off, of course. "Anyway, let's just go, we'll be late."

He pocketed the letter.

Peter and I sat in the stands together as James and Sirius marched confidently onto the pitch, holding their brooms high. The captain spoke to them and the others who were there, then they were all off on their brooms.

It was quite boring, but eventually Sirius and James were rushing up to us and we all walked back to the castle together.

"Did you get in?" Peter asked.

"Dunno," said Sirius, panting. "They said if we don't get an owl by next Saturday it's a no."

"We'll definitely get in, though," said James confidentially.

"Of course," said Sirius. "Probably…"

"That third year girl was great don't you think?" James panted. "The seeker… Marlene McKinnon."

"Great how?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, Sirius, you know my heart lies with Lily," James said, rolling his eyes. "I just think she's really talented… I'd love to play alongside her."

"Alright, James Quidditch Potter."

"I'M ON THE QUIDDITCH TEAM!"

"I'M NOT!"

A week had past since the Quidditch trials, and to both James's and Sirius's disgust, James had gotten into the Quidditch team, but Sirius hadn't. We were all sitting in the Great Hall, finishing off our breakfast.

"Wait, I won't do it if you can't," said James, sighing.

"No, you should still do it," Sirius told him firmly. "I will get in next year, or another year. Good luck for the season."

James nodded. "Thanks, mate. Will you all watch every single match?"

"Of course," Sirius said. "You will be the best Chaser Hogwarts has ever seen! And we will be your biggest supporters."

"When's the first match?" Peter asked.

"November 4th," said James, looking at the letter he'd received from the Gryffindor team captain. "We have practice every Saturday and Sunday, basically all day, and four hour practices on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoon!"

"How are you going to stay on top of your homework?" I asked, my eyes widening.

"It'll be fine," James laughed. "C'mon, I'm done my cereal, you guys?"

We all stood up and left the Great Hall, and started walking back to the common room.

"Let's enjoy today before I'm taken away for Quidditch for the rest of my life," said James as we walked through the halls. "What should we do?"

"We could—" I started, but then someone shoved into my ribs, and I was momentarily winded. I fell over and looked up to see Ada Blanchet walk away, smirking.

"Ugh, what does she have against you?" Sirius asked, pulling me up.

"Are you serious?" I said, staring at him. "Isn't it obvious… she was at the trial in summer. She knows… what I am… what I did."

"Why was she there?" Peter asked.

"She's Monifa's sister," I told him.

"OK, I get that she's upset, and angry, but doesn't she understand it's not your fault?" Sirius said, looking back at Ada. "Plus, I thought her and Monifa didn't get on?"

"They were still sisters!" I responded.

"You didn't do anything wrong, though!" said James.

"Stop saying that," I said, but it came out abrupt and cold, not how I'd intended it to sound. "Um, sorry…"

We'd come into the common room and we walked up to our dormitory for some privacy.

"Remus, you don't have to keep this all inside anymore," Sirius said gently. "You can talk about to us, and we'll listen."

I wanted to pour my heart out, telling them how awful I'd been feeling for the past few months, but I remained silent. What did I expect… pity? I didn't want or deserve pity. The others deserved it more than me.

So I just shook my head and painted on a smile.

As horrible as I felt, I knew I was lucky that at least my friends didn't hate me. At least they didn't see me as a monster. I was lucky they were all so supportive… especially Sirius…

"You OK, there?" Sirius asked, waving his hands in front of my face. I nodded, smiling at him. My face felt like it was on fire.

"Yes, it's quite hot in here, that's all," I said, going to take off my jumper, but then holding back, remembering the scars that doing that would reveal to my friends, so I kept it on. "Wow, phew, haha…"

"Remus, you're probably the most suspicious person I've ever met," James laughed. We all laid down on the floor of our dormitory, chatting our way through the afternoon, at peace together. Finally.

"Good luck, Remus."

My three best friends stood with me by the back exit of the castle on the afternoon of the Full Moon, wishing me luck. I could tell they were all quite anxious, but were trying not to show it.

"Good luck for you guys tonight, too," I said, nodding at them. "It's a big night for all of us."

"I'm sure we'll get this on the first try," said James. "And we're all in this together, so if one of us has to start again, we all do. In other words, DON'T MESS IT UP!"

"OK," said Sirius. "Let's do this."

We all nodded, then split ways.

The next afternoon, I emerged from the hole of the Whomping Willow to find my friends there waiting for me.

"How do you feel?" Sirius asked. His voice was muffled slightly.

"Um, fine, I guess," I shrugged. "How did you guys go… do you all have the leaves in your mouths?"

They all nodded. Peter opened his mouth, showing an already disintegrating leaf on his tongue.

"Good luck keeping that in your mouth for an entire month," I said, my eyes widening. "I don't know how that's possible, though."

"I think if you're of age and you're legally doing it the Ministry helps you," said James. "But we really need to do it now. By the time you're transforming again, we should be with you!"

"Yeah, alright, good luck," I said, still feeling nervous.

The next full moon came around quickly, and my three friends were preparing for their second attempt at keeping the mandrake leaf in their mouth.

After only a few days of having it in their mouths last month, it had disintegrated in the saliva for all three of them. Hallowe'en was just a little over a week away, and Peter had had a panic attack about halfway through October, worrying that they were running out of time to ever become an Animagus and help me.

I wished they'd succeeded on their first attempt, but I knew deep down that it was near impossible to be able to do it at all.

I tried to push that idea out of my head as I split ways with them, once again going down to my monthly torture. I walked out onto the school grounds, then someone grabbed me.

"I've done some research on your kind," Ada Blanchet spat at me. "You transform on a night when the moon is full."

"Wow, good job," I said, trying to sound a lot tougher than I felt. "Outstanding in Care of magical creatures."

"I don't take Care of Magical Creatures, you beast," she snarled, her fingernails digging into my shoulders.

"G-good for you?" I stuttered.

"You'll be a monster tonight, then," she snapped. "I can't believe the old hag Dumbledore is letting filth like you walk around freely — you should be in Azkaban after what you did."

"I really need to go," I said.

"Hogwarts is for witches and wizards," she hissed. "Not creatures like you."

"I am a wizard," I snapped, feeling pre-moon anger.

"Fine. You're still a murderer," she said. "I may not care about my sister being dead, but my parents are distraught. My… my mother tried to kill herself."

"Alright, I'm really sorry," I said, "I'm sorry for what I did, and what your family is going through. Now just let go of me before I kill you too!"

"Sorry doesn't fix anything!" she yelled. I noticed angry tears forming in her eyes. "I-I only don't care about my sister because of… of… But other than that, we grew up really close… I wish I hadn't told her I didn't love her anymore… maybe I could have fixed my relationship with her if you hadn't… you… you… "

"I am so sorry," I said, "really, really, really sorry."

"You may be sorry for your actions but murder is something you should never get away with," she said through gritted teeth. "I hate you and will never let you forget what you did until the day I die. You are a monster and you don't belong here. Always remember that."

She finally released me from her grip, then stormed away, leaving me feeling even worse.

Just like my friends's first attempt to keep a mandrake leaf in their mouth for a month, the leaf dissolved within a few days.

Hallowe'en came around, and this year we had classes on Hallowe'en day, so there was no dressing up or trick-or-treating. We just had the massive feast after the usual classes for the day.

"There needs to be a way to be able to keep the leaves in our mouths," said James through a huge mouthful of sweets.

"Like the book says, you're meant to get help from the Ministry, since you're meant to be registered to do it," I explained.

"Why don't we do this legally then?" Peter asked, stuffing fistful after fistful of the treacle tart in front of him into his mouth.

"Because you need to be seventeen to be a registered Animagus," said Sirius.

"Well, we could do this when we're seventeen…"

"Do you even care about Remus?" Sirius hissed. "We have to do it as soon as possible, he… he can't keep living like this, alone."

"I know," said Peter. He paused for a bit, then continued hesitantly. "I just… don't… really… want… to go to… Azkaban."

"Nobody does!" Sirius cried. "I would lose my mind if I went to Azkaban, but I really care about… I mean, Remus is my friend, so I don't want to leave him in such a vulnerable state every month."

"Vulnerable?" I repeated.

"Because you can… ugh, sorry," said Sirius, looking at the pile of sweets in front of him.

"Whatever," I said. Then I said, very quickly, "Doesn't matter. Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, there was nothing wrong with that, just usually people would say dangerous, well, I mean my parents, since they're the only ones who know apart from you guys and, oh, the people who were at the trial, of course, you know what I mean?"

"Um, yeah," said Sirius, laughing awkwardly. He opened up a lollipop and put it in his mouth silently.

"So!" said James, smiling brightly, breaking the silence. "How's your sweets, guys? You know if you have this cake here it makes you hallucinate to see what makes you the happiest! I'm currently seeing myself on a broomstick, playing Quidditch!"

Peter took a huge slice of the cake and popped it in his mouth. "Mmmm! I can see me eating my parent's cooking!"

Sirius took the lollipop out of his mouth and consumed a slice of the cake. "I see…" he paused, his face turning pink. "Um, I see you three."

James raised an eyebrow. "I know that face, Sirius. You're not thinking of us…" He smiled. "Who's the girl?"

"What?" Sirius said, staring blankly at James. "There's no girl. I-I see you three, my best friends."

"Yeah, sure," James laughed. "I will find out who it is. Do I know her?"

"I didn't see a girl!" Sirius said, sounding annoyed.

I quickly took a piece of the cake and swallowed. Warmth burst through my body and in front of me was Sirius.

"I see all of you guys too," I lied, smiling. After a little bit, the fake Sirius faded and I shook my head. I liked all my friends equally, so why would I see Sirius in particular?

Don't you think he looks really good? And love his personality? I thought. I shook my head again, trying to shrug off the thought.

Before I could dwell into my mixed feelings towards Sirius, we were interrupted by the Head Boy and Head Girl, who were running dramatically to the front of the Great Hall.

"Hello, fellow students," said the Head Boy awkwardly. The Head Girl rolled her eyes and stepped in front of him.

"We would like to address a rumour that's been going around the school at this feast, we don't know who started it, or if it's true or not, but we'd just like you all to not panic," she said.

"Er, for those of you who don't know," said the Head Boy, "there is currently a rumour going around that the werewolf who killed Monifa Blanchet is currently sitting in this room… in their human form."