Chapter 16: All the pain won't fade why is recovery taking forever?

Sara:

Sara was pretty proud of herself and the way she was managing having Thea in the same room with her. Granted the younger woman was on the other side of the room and she herself was in an extreme state of exhaustion, but still, her bloodlust was only a soft humming, instead of the loud roaring it usually was when the weapon Malcolm had wielded to kill her, the second victim in that crime, was within her proximity.

She had gotten a lot better when it came to controlling the bloodlust in general, it was usually only a soft hum and slight itch under her skin when she was around people, instead of the intense need and compulsion it had been before. Not to say that there hadn't been situations where it had been stronger and the urge to kill had almost overwhelmed her. But ever since the changes her pregnancy was bringing with it had seriously started to kick in, the bloodlust seemed to have taken a back-burner most of the time, at least for now. She still didn't trust herself though and preferred to stay away from people and tried to avoid them all together if Ollie wasn't with her.

There was no question in her mind that her bloodlust appeared to be dormant, even with the object of its single-minded fury and craving being within reach, right now was simply because of her state of complete and total exhaustion.

Caitlin was still buzzing around the room, setting some things up, taking her vitals and all the while asking her questions about her and her family's medical history, taking notes. The questions were very general at the beginning and became more specific with time, Sara could practically watch how the gentle doctor from Central City was working towards one particular question that would unavoidably come up concerning her child's health and possible genetic illnesses or defects, and how she came close to asking it, only to shy away again, obviously feeling uncomfortable asking her to share such personal information.

It just so happened that Sara was looking at Thea when Caitlin asked her the first obvious pregnancy related question. The reaction of Ollie's baby sister made her grin inadvertently and for the first time in what felt like months. It was quite comical to watch the emotions cross her face. Poor Speedy, someone should've given her a warning. She considered saying something to Thea, even though watching her digest this new piece of information a little longer was highly entertaining, when Caitlin suddenly seemed to have scraped together enough courage to ask her the question she had been dancing around for a while now. Sara had known it was coming and yet it took her by complete surprise, she had been so engrossed in watching Thea, which led to her reacting in a natural and slightly offended way.

"Of course I know who the father is. Ollie. Ollie's the baby's father." Sara looked straight at Caitlin while answering her question, it was obvious that the other woman had felt uncomfortable asking her such a personal question and what it was implying and the mother to be tried to not get angry and offended at the question but still… part of her couldn't help it. She had been called a slut or whore so many times in her life that someone even just implying that she was just randomly sleeping around, still, like she used to before… before the Gambit and the Amazo and Lian Yu and the League and the freedom of choice being taken from her, was preposterous, even more so since Ollie was the only man she's had consensual sex with in the last ten years. So she decided to put her focus on something else to stay calm and switched her attention back to Thea towards the end of her statement, gauging the young woman's reaction to her revelation. It was kinda funny. Both women's reactions were very similar, and reminded her of a cartoon.

First there was surprise, then shock, followed by confusion.

"So, you and Oliver are…" Caitlin started very flabbergasted and tentatively.

"… very good friends, yes." Sara finished the sentence very differently and not the direction that Caitlin had intended and decided that she was done.

"Speedy, would you mind getting, Ollie?" Her amusement was gone as suddenly as it had appeared. She was exhausted, her throat still hurt, she had talked and answered more questions than she actually wanted or felt up to or comfortable with, but it was important that Caitlin had all the medical information she needed to make sure that the baby would be okay. But the questions now were no longer essential to her child's wellbeing and way too private to share with a literal stranger who was also excellent friends with both Laurel and Felicity, for her liking and absolutely no one's business but Ollie and hers.

"Of course not. And Sara, whatever it is you need, I'm here for you. After all, we're family, right? I guess what I'm trying to say is… I love you, big sis." Thea looked at her with so much understanding and love it warmed her heart and made her tear up and smile softly, the youngest Queen had changed so much in the past few years and yet, yet in moments like this she reminded Sara so much of the sweet and kind young girl that she had been before… before she and Ollie had left her. Thea was still, as Ollie and she tended to refer to her, the kindest person they'd ever known.

"Thank you Speedy, it means a lot. I might take you up on that offer." Sara held her hand out to the younger woman, feeling embolden by the weakness that came with her exhaustion. Thea tentatively stepped closer until she could intertwine her hand with Sara's.

"And I love you too, little sis, so, so very much!" Sara made sure to look Thea straight in the eyes, to ensure that she knew, knew just how much she meant to her, how much she would always mean to her. That what happened, what she was forced to do didn't change that. That they were both Malcolm's victims. That she didn't, never had and never will consider her former charge her killer. She was and always would be Ollie's baby sister, someone she herself always had considered as an extension of her family and her younger sister by everything except blood. Nothing would ever change that.

Ollie looked like shit. That was the first thing that crossed her mind once he stepped back into her bedroom. Worse than he had before, she had forced him to get some fresh air. What the hell could've happened in the last 30 minutes on their freaking balcony that would lead to Ollie looking like a beaten puppy.

"Dinah's coming. I called her, she's driving to Star as we speak. She's going to take some personal time at work and stay for a few days. I told her… she asked what's wrong… why you were asking for her. So, I told her." Ollie looked so worried and… scared? Of what? Her? Why would he be scared of her? What did he expect her to do? Or how to react?

So, he told her mom she was pregnant, she would've found out the moment she hugged her anyway, thanks to their baby's recent growth spurt. Would she have preferred to tell her herself? Sure, if the circumstances were different, and she wasn't coming out of a very severe anxiety attack because of a memory she wished she could permanently erase from her mind instead of reliving it. She had to admit that a part of her was glad that she didn't have to go through the explanation and questions, oh she was sure her mom would ask her a lot of questions, but not the initial ones. She felt bad for Ollie though because that meant that he had been the one being bombarded with and forced to answer them. And her throat was still hurting a lot which led to her voice being raspy and almost nonexistent.

Besides, she just pretty much told his sister… she'd call them even.

She held her hand out towards him, beckoning him closer. He was still standing just inside the room; he had only just stepped over the threshold. He didn't move… he didn't come closer like he usually did. He didn't stride towards her to interlace their fingers and climb on her bed like he always did when she asked him to… he looked ready to turn around and run.

"It's okay, I sort of told Thea, well Caitlin and I did, she asked me questions about the pregnancy, Thea's a very smart woman and figured it out." She thought this would certainly ease his mind and get him on the bed with her, and yet, he still didn't move. The look on his face hadn't changed either. She could feel a heavyweight settling on her chest and her stomach turn to knots.

Something was wrong with him.

Something was seriously wrong with him.

Why wouldn't he come to her?

Why would he be afraid of her?

"Ollie?" her voice sounded small even to her own ears and not because of the issues she still had with her throat. She could see him avoid her gaze for a moment, looking anywhere but at her. His shoulders dropped even more, and he looked as if he had just been beaten, right before he swallowed hard and answered her question.

"I talked to Quentin too. I told him. Everything. About the baby. The adoption. The struggles you've been going through with your memories. I just… he was… I'm sorry, Sara, I'm so sorry. I never meant to break your trust like this… I… I never… I swear Pretty Bird, the last thing I ever meant to do was betray you and break the trust you had in me. I understand if you… I understand if you don't want me around… if you want me to leave… I will… I'll do whatever you want me to… I understand if you hate me, I deserve it. I deserve your anger and your hate. God, I'm so sorry Pretty Bird." Sara had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying during Ollie's heartbroken declaration. She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks, though. Ollie was refusing to look at her, instead staring at the floor, she could see the tears that were rolling down his cheeks and hear them and the pain and heartbreak in his voice.

"Ollie…" she tried to say more but her voice broke after uttering his name in what ended up not being more than a whisper. She knew that he heard her, there was a slight shift in his stance but he still wouldn't look at her.

Why wouldn't he look at her?

She needed him to look at her.

Why would he… why would he think she would hate him for this? She knew her dad; she knew how he could be and she knew the effect he had on Ollie and their really strange relationship, and again would she have preferred to tell him herself? For sure, even more with her dad than her mom but mostly because she knew how her dad could get and she was sure Ollie ended up being confronted by an angry Quentin Lance and that was the last thing he needed right now and she wanted him to have to deal with. Her dad would've taken the news better coming from her. She appreciated what Ollie did for her; he was trying to protect her, as he always did. Tried to make sure that she was faced with as little stress or emotional overload as she could. So, why on earth would he think she wanted him to leave or hate him? Those assumptions were the farthest thing from what she actually wanted.

What she wanted was for him to look at her and lie down with her and just hold her.

"Ollie… look at me. Look at me!" She tried to put as much sound and force in her voice as she could muster and finally, finally he looked at her.

"Thank you for taking care and looking out for me. You just can't stop trying to protect me, can you? I don't hate you. I could never hate you. And I don't want you to leave. I want you to come and take my hand before lying down with me and just holding me, and making me feel safe, cared about and cherished, like you always do. So, would you please, please stop with what you're doing right now and lay down with me?" She was close to being a sobbing mess again, there was a lump in her throat and her tears were still falling. She hoped she got through to him because she wasn't sure that her voice would cooperate with her again. Her throat hurt so bad right now. Ollie still looked at her. There was still this gut-wrenching pain in his eyes, but the fear had faded and he looked genuinely confused and stunned by her words. He slowly gathered his composure and carefully walked towards her, never taking his eyes off of her, almost as if he was expecting her to change her mind at any given moment.

She didn't.

She actually released the breath she hadn't been aware she was holding the moment he laced his fingers with hers and slowly climbed onto her bed and lay down, with a significant amount of space between them. She had none of that and was curled up on his chest, one leg thrown over his, their laced hands resting on his chest and her face buried between his collarbone and neck, where it fit perfectly, within seconds of him lying down. She could feel him stiffen at first before he slowly relaxed and put his other arm around her, drawing her closer. He bent his head down to breathe her in and kiss her temple, before resting his cheek on top of her head.

"Sara…" it was barely a whisper, and he sounded chocked and so very broken. She tried to tell him she was here, that she would always be here. And that it was okay, that they were okay. That he didn't break them. That she wasn't angry, but she had now lost her voice completely and all she could to was grab his hand with both of hers and hold it to her heart, kissing him right over his.

Sara wasn't sure how long they've been lying on her bed, holding each other and providing comfort a quiet sanctuary from the world in a way no one else could. There was nothing more calming to her than lying in Ollie's strong, loving embrace, listening to his steady heartbeat. It provided her with a sense of peace nothing else managed to. When Ollie suddenly bent his head down to be closer to her face.

"Look to the door, Pretty Bird, your dad's here." His voice was so soft she was sure her dad couldn't hear it. She slowly looked in the direction Ollie told her to and saw her dad standing in the doorframe, she could feel her body unintentionally stiffen, she didn't mean to, she really didn't but she couldn't help her first reaction and the fear that came with it.

"Daddy?" she just barely managed to provide the sound for the word to be heard but he did.

"Hi baby. I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you are doing and let you know that your mom called. She'll be here within the hour. I'll be in the living room if you need anything." She could see the sadness in his smile right before he turned around and left them alone again. She was glad he did and felt horrible and guilty about it. She appreciated that he came to check in on her and let her know that her mom would be here soon.

Had she and Ollie really been lying on her bed for hours already?

She loved her dad, so very much, but she just couldn't deal… she just couldn't… he wasn't who she needed right now. She felt horrible thinking that. But it was the truth. Right now, she needed Ollie and her mom. She knew she would need him later, after… after her mom arrived and made her feel better in that way only her mom could.

Oliver:

Oliver was lying on his side, watching Sara sleep next to him. Dinah had left them alone a couple of minutes ago to talk to Quentin and probably check on Laurel. Oliver squeezed his eyes shut in pain for a moment. Unable to get the look of agony and complete and utter devastation on Laurel's face when he told her about Sara's pregnancy out of his mind. He couldn't believe he had once again been the one putting those emotions on her face, hurting her so deeply. But he couldn't… couldn't deal with this right now, not on top of everything else.

He brushed his hand across Sara's cheek, reveling in the feeling of her soft skin under his touch, seeking comfort from her even in her sleeping state. It was good, this, her finally being able to sleep was good.

God, he was tired, so very tired, physically but especially mentally. The last 24…? 36…? hours had been emotionally exhausting, and he was completely drained. It had been too much, all of this had been too much for him. His worry about Sara and their baby, the cold dread that had gripped him after he had answered his phone… those three very emotional and personal conversations he's had with all three of Sara's family members and the one he's had with Sara herself after he had called Dinah and talked to Quentin.

Dinah coming here had been one of the best things that had happened since Sara had called him. Her mother's presence had helped his little bird a lot, and Dinah managed to ease some of his friend's worries and fears. Her open-minded nature and understanding of her youngest daughter's character was an immense relief and let to a lot of support on her end. And he was so very grateful for this and her and her concern for not just Sara but him too, as she had proven right before she left them alone, so he could get some sleep too, since he had given his room to Caitlin, for the time being. Since Dinah would occupy their guest room for the duration of her stay.

"Oliver, honey, how are you doing?" Dinah drew him in a tight hug as soon as she was within reach. It was a very comforting gesture that Oliver automatically returned. Only now, while being held in Dinah's motherly embrace, realizing how much he had missed those types of hugs, how much he missed his mother. And he thought he just found out why Sara had been asking for her mother. It was in this moment that he wished his mother were still alive and could provide him with the type of comfort Dinah was providing Sara with, the kind only one's mother could. This led to him holding on to Dinah a little tighter and swallowing hard, while biting his lip and blinking away some tears. He knew that was not possible, so he basked and cherished the closest thing to a hug from his mom that he could get, from a woman that he had known for most of his life, before removing his arms from around her, once he composed himself a little and taking a step back. Smiling at her gratefully.

"I'm… I'm exhausted to be honest. And thank you!" There was no lying to her after that hug.

"Any time, honey, any time. There are plenty of hugs where that one came from, you just let me know when you need another one. Now go get some sleep." She smiled at him tenderly and kissed his cheek before walking out of the room, leaving him alone with a sleeping Sara and his thoughts.

He let his eyes travel over Sara's body, Dinah had helped her change into one of her old PJs which made the recent changes the pregnancy brought to her body even more obvious. Her breasts were significantly bigger, had been for a few weeks now, but it was her stomach that drew and kept his attention. Her baby-bump was made even more prominent given her physically fit state before and the fact that where there had been a flat surface with muscles without an ounce of fat there was now a significant bulge instead of just the curves of her weight gain from a couple of days ago.

Sara had made sure from the moment she had found out that she was pregnant that she was eating properly and regularly to ensure the necessary weight gain per month that doctors recommended to ensure the baby's health.

He couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder while drinking her in like this. Seeing the proof of what they had known for months now. This was the first time since she was showing significantly more than two days ago, their baby had had what appeared to be a growth spurt a few nights ago, which led to Sara no longer being able to really hide the fact that she was pregnant. This was the first time, since the morning Sara woke up to her stomach being exponentially larger than it was when she went to bed the night before, that he was able to look at her like this.

Both of them had a complicated and complex state of mind when it came to their unborn child. They were both very aware of the situation they were in and in complete denial at the same time. At least to some degree. Or maybe it was less denial and more an insane need to pretend, in hopes that if you pretend to believe in something long and strong enough it will come true, that everything would be fine once the baby was born. That they would just give it away and would go on with their lives as if it never happened.

Neither of them was naïve enough to actually believe that.

But it was the only way they could move forward, go on with their plan and give their child in the care of strangers, hoping it would have a better, happier and safer life than Sara and he would be able to provide it with.

Of course he knew that this was complete bullshit.

They would both be gutted and never get over this decision.

And he had never been more sure about that then in this very moment when he slowly lifted his hand and carefully placed it on his Pretty Bird's stomach, making sure that he would not wake his exhausted friend. This was their baby. He knew that it would be a few more months before he would be able to feel it but still the roundness where a very flat stomach used to be was proof… right under his hand was their child, living, growing… obviously… he could feel his lips turn into a soft smile on their own accord. He shifted a little closer to Sara and finally let his heavy eyelids drop and sleep take him over. His hand still protectively placed over their child while the soft smile was still gracing his lips even in sleep.