CW: Internalised homophobia

The next morning, I was woken up at a ridiculous hour once again, by James this time. He woke us all up at two in the morning, screaming out the word Quidditch over and over again.

"We'll watch you play Quidditch when Quidditch starts, James," grumbled Sirius.

"No!" cried James, flipping the light on and off. "We need to start getting ready! I need to exercise!"

"Do you really need us awake to exercise?" I grumbled.

"I don't like exercising," said James, "so I need your moral support."

"Here's an idea," Sirius yawned, "don't exercise. And sleep."

"Yeah, you'll be too tired to play!" I added, "you need to get a good sleep! Honestly, do you know anything about sports?"

"Remus! You're literally a genius!" James cried, turning the light off and rushing into his bed quickly. I rolled my eyes then closed them, trying to get back to sleep.

Six hours later I woke up properly to see James grinning down at me. Sirius and Peter were on either side of him, and as soon as I saw them I fell out of my bed in shock.

"GOOD MORNING REMUS WHATEVER YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS LUPIN!" James cried, jumping onto my bed. "READY TO WATCH YOUR FAVOURITE FRIEND PLAY QUIDDITCH?"

"His middle name is John, idiot," Sirius told him, rolling his eyes.

"How do you know that?" James asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because when we were at his house his dad said it, duh," said Sirius, shaking his head.

"Wow you paid a lot of attention to facts about Remus, Sirius," said James, smirking. "That is suspicious."

Sirius laughed in a fake tone. "I just pay attention to my friends."

"OK, then, what's my middle name?" James asked, crossing his arms. "From the amount of time you've spent at my house, you should know."

Sirius bit his lip hard, then looked at his watch. "James, your game starts soon! Go, go, quick!"

James jumped, and without even checking the time he rushed out of the dormitory.

"Er, his game doesn't start for literally three hours," I said to Sirius. I secretly found it quite flattering that Sirius knew my middle name and not James's.

"I know," said Sirius with a wink. "As is tradition for Quidditch matches with Gryffindor playing, I will give you both red and gold face paint." Grinning, Sirius grabbed out a face paint set. "You first, Remus."

Reluctantly, I sat down on my bed as he painted on my face. It felt different to how it had felt last year, as my weird feelings for Sirius slowly grew. Every time he touched my face, I had to bite down on my gums to not smile. I felt myself blushing every time our eyes met.

Last year I was more focused on how gross the face paint felt on me, but this year I was more focused on Sirius being so close to me. Once he'd finished, my face felt like it was on fire as I looked in the mirror at his work. It was quite messy, but I didn't care, as the vision of him being so close to me was etched into my mind.

What was happening to me? I thought, cursing myself. Sirius seemed to be swirling around in my head 24/7 and I couldn't get him out. Was it normal to think about friends like this?

Later that day, Sirius, Peter and I were walking into the Quidditch stands together. We'd made a huge banner saying 'GO JAMES!' and were now waving it around like absolute lunatics.

"I can't believe Kaiden quit commentating after his sister died," said Peter sadly as the new commentator, Harriet Homer stepped to the microphone in the commentating box. Harriet was a fourth year in Ravenclaw. I'd heard a few of the older boys talking about her.

"Yeah, Harriet's a good commentator, but she just doesn't give the same energy as Kaiden," said Sirius sadly.

"Maybe he'll come around," I said. "But I guess grief can really draw you back from what you used to love…"

I trailed off, thinking of my own grief I'd been experiencing ever since I'd killed Monifa. I hadn't enjoyed reading as much ever since, and I found myself not trying as hard in my classes this year. Brushing my thoughts off, I concentrated on Harriet, who was now speaking.

"Welcome to the first Quidditch match for this year's Quidditch season!" she said, beaming. "The teams have a few changes, the Seekers still being Lucius Malfoy from seventh year…" the Slytherins cheered, and Harriet continued, "And for Gryffindor it is still Marlene McKinnon from third year…" the Gryffindors let out a cheer "…Gryffindor beaters being Caradoc Dearborn, sixth year and a new member, Kate Weasley in second year…" eventually I zoned out until Sirius whacked my chest with the back of his hand.

"Ugh! What?"

"YEAH JAMES!" Sirius screamed pointing at James flying in to the stadium, his Quidditch robes billowing from the wind. Soon, both teams were all out, and they were facing each other angrily, ready for the game. Harriet commentated as the Quaffle got released, and the game began.

James was good. Really good. He scored almost all the goals for Gryffindor team, and after Marlene McKinnon caught the snitch and they'd won, everyone in the stadium was chanting, "POTTER! POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!"

As soon as we arrived at the Gryffindor common room after the match, James was crowdsurfing as everybody cheered for the victory.

"WHO'S THE BEST CHASER? JAMES POTTER!"

Sirius cheered and was bumped against me by someone else. Our faces touched for just a second, and our eyes met. Sirius's face was as pink as mine felt. It was only for a split second but the whole world seemed to melt around me.

Stop this nonsense, I thought to myself, pulling away from Sirius and refusing to look at him. Self-hatred burned through my veins as my eyes were drawn to Sirius, who was smiling widely at me. He laughed, then turned to James. Internally I was cursing myself. This couldn't be happening… I couldn't have feelings for someone… and not just anyone, but another boy?

It's just friendship, I tried to tell myself. But then the other side of my brain fought back, you know it's not.

I looked over at Sirius, who seemed to be unaffected by our little bump of lips. He probably just saw it as totally an accident. Was I was going completely insane?

Plus, Sirius was probably into girls. He was probably normal.

Normal? I thought to myself angrily. Would you go around telling someone else they weren't normal for having a crush on someone who's the same gender as them?

No, was my first gut reaction.

Then why hate yourself for this?

I looked over at Sirius. He and a bunch of other Quidditch crazy people were praising James like he was a god.

Even if he was into guys (which he's not, I thought), no way he'd like a monster like me.

I CAN'T LIKE A GUY! THIS IS SO WRONG! my head seemed to be screaming. I'd heard of the queers, but they were hated. They tried to stand up for their rights, but it was seen as a bad thing. I'd sometimes see them on the television, but that was always in a bad light. Even my parents said it was bad. I couldn't be one of them. I couldn't.

There was only one solution to this. I would have to get a girlfriend.