CW: More internalised homophobia

The next morning I headed straight for the library after brushing my teeth and doing my hair thoroughly. I'd picked out my best outfit (I'd even considered asking Sirius if I could borrow his dress robes, but chickened out last minute) and made sure there was no stains on them.

Before walking into the library, I checked my reflection in the glass pane. Taking in a huge breath, I opened the door and walked into the library. I said hi to Madam Pince, then walked straight to the corner where the Ravenclaw girls from my year would always study. They were all sitting around the table, reading their textbooks together.

There was five of them: Hestia, Susan, Julie, Helen, and Pandora. I smiled at them all, trying to act confident.

"Hey, Pandora," I said, trying to sound confident.

"Hi, Remus," Pandora responded, smiling brightly up at me. She had curly, dirty blonde hair that fell to just below her shoulders, bright green eyes, and pale skin.

"Hey, I was wondering, could I speak to you privately?" I asked her.

She waved to her friends and followed me into a different section of the library.

"What is it?" she asked, then dropped her voice to a whisper, "something to do with… the nargles?"

"Er — no," I said. "I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to have lunch with me on the grounds l the lake next Saturday as, well, um, a date?"

She looked at me for a while, her eyes wide. Then she nodded. "OK, sure. I'll see you there. Oh! And make sure you wear this."

She put a highly decorated necklace around my neck.

"It will keep you safe from all those nargles that live down there," she told me. "Alright, well, see you on Saturday, Remus Lupin."

"Bye," I said, waving awkwardly to her then walking away.

Good. Now I would go on a date with Pandora, become her boyfriend, date her until the end of seventh year, then get married to her! My feelings for Sirius would disappear before I knew it. This was a great idea!

"YOU'RE GOING ON A DATE!?"

"WITH PANDORA LESTRANGE!?"

"SHE'S LIKE… THE WEIRDEST GIRL IN OUR YEAR!"

I'd told my friends about what had happened as soon as we'd entered the dormitory that night. I had to tell them immediately so they would have no doubt that I was completely normal.

"And you do realise her parents would never approve?" Sirius told me. "They're almost as bad as the Blacks, Pandora's older brother Rodolphus recently married my cousin Bellatrix! Pandora's the odd one out of that family."

"OK," I said.

"Also, aren't you a bit too young for this, Remus?" Sirius asked, crossing his arms.

"No, I don't think so," I responded, fiddling.

"So, you're old enough to go on a date with a girl but I'm not old enough to simply receive a love letter from a girl?" he said. "When I'm actually older than you?"

"Sorry about that," I said, shaking my head. "I was being stupid."

"What would your parents think about this?" he asked, ignoring me. "You going on a date… at twelve! Also, how would a relationship work for you? Since you're a…"

He trailed off, looking down.

"Since I'm a monster? Is that what you're trying to say?" I said quietly. James and Peter were watching us like a tennis match.

"No, Remus!" Sirius cried. "That's not what I… don't call yourself that!"

I looked at the ground, refusing to look at him. Although I was uncontrollably smiling again.

Hey! You can't like anyone now! You're going on a date! That would be rude to Pandora! I thought to myself angrily.

"I think my parents would be fine with it," I said. Honestly, I had no idea how they'd react. I assumed they'd have some element of the standard 'oh, my baby is growing up too fast' but then also, 'BUT YOU'RE A WEREWOLF, IF YOU GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP THAT'S PUTTING THEM IN DANGER! WE DON'T KNOW THE SIDE EFFECTS OF KISSING A WEREWOLF ON THE LIPS!'

I also found my mind wondering to what they would think if I got into a relationship with Sirius. Would they agree with me being allowed to date a boy instead of a girl? Probably not. Well that was fine, because I'd obviously only ever date a girl: Pandora, and possibly some other girls in the future.

But are you just using Pandora to get over Sirius? I thought to myself. That's mean.

I was overthinking this whole thing. I probably never even felt anything for Sirius, apart from friendship, obviously. I was just being attention-seeking.

But how could I be attention-seeking if no one even knew this? The only person I probably would have wanted to talk to about this was Monifa, but…

But you killed her. Good on you, Remus! snarled a voice from the back of my head.

I looked at the wall, not realising that Sirius was talking.

"I mean, if it makes you happy, then I fully support you," he sighed, then I saw him looking at me through the corner of my eye. "No matter what."

I drew my eyes from the wall and looked at him, smiling half-heartedly. Gosh I was dramatic.

"Hello, Remus Lupin." Pandora Lestrange was wearing a colourful knitted jumper, and a bright pink skirt, plus a necklace matching the one she'd given me (which I'd remembered to wear, thankfully).

Almost a week had passed since I'd asked her out, and it was time for our date. I'd spent the entire week overthinking my attraction towards people. Did I have any feelings for Pandora? No. But I did admire how she didn't let the people who bullied her get in the way of her being herself. She was cool, and pretty, but I didn't know her well. I would have happily been friends with her, but be her boyfriend? Maybe not.

But if you don't date a girl you'll never be able to be normal, I thought to myself. This was a cruel trick to my mind, but I didn't really care.

Pandora and I walked down to the lake, holding a lunchbox each. On weekends students were allowed to collect some food from the Great Hall and eat wherever they wanted — most people didn't do it, as the atmosphere of the Great Hall was so much better for eating than any other place in the world, but some people would do it if they wanted privacy.

We sat down on the grass and looked out at the lake, where the edges had turned icy.

"So what made you ask me to come here with you?" Pandora asked.

"Um…" I said, thinking of what to say, "I just think you're really cool. I've liked you for a while."

"Wow," she said. "That's so cool. I've never really loved anyone like that before. What's it like?"

"Really? Well, it's magnificent but at the same time stressful," I said. "Well, I mean, my crush, er — you… I'd always obsess over you. Wondering if you'd actually ever like well… someone like me! I mean, look at me! You have no idea how stressful that is!"

"There's nothing wrong with you," she said. "And if you're talking about how your face is scarred, it's OK, I understand."

I froze. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I assume you've fallen over," she said. "I can't believe the nargles would do that to you!"

"Oh, yeah…" I said.

She pulled the sleeve of her jumper up to reveal a graze on her arm. "The nargles pushed me over, too. Just the other day."

"Oh," I said. "I'm… I'm so sorry about that."

"It's alright," she said, smiling. "Happens to the best of us."

I nodded awkwardly. It seemed very different to when I was alone with Sirius. Sirius and I could always make conversation so easily, and if there was ever silence, we were usually peaceful. Sure, I seemed to fumble up my words when he was around, but at least I could talk to him.

Whereas when I was with Pandora, we were very different. But not a good different like Sirius and I. Pandora was nice, but I couldn't imagine kissing her or something. The only person I could imagine snogging was Sirius. I couldn't stop thinking about him for the entire date, and after I left, I knew I didn't want to do this again with Pandora. My heart just didn't lie with her.

It lied with Sirius.

The next day, I decided I'd speak with Pandora about the date. Was it mean to dump a girl after one date, especially if you were the one to ask them out? I didn't think she'd mind too much, since it was me, and what girl would want to be with me anyway?

I met her at breakfast, but she spoke before I did.

"Remus, would you rather just be friends?" she said. "You're really cool and all, but I don't think we really clicked that way. I am sorry."

"Yeah, of course," I said. "That's fine, honestly."

We smiled awkwardly at each other, then went our seperate ways, and I could tell she was relieved as well.

About a week and a half after my strange date came the next full moon. The night before it, my friends and I were frantically looking through the library for a possible spell to help them keep a mandrake leaf in their mouth for a full month.

"I can't let this go on for any longer," said Sirius, pulling every single book off one of the shelves. "I feel so terrible… I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I should be helping you."

"You're trying," I said. "And the fact that you all even want to help means the world to me."

"Ugh, I can't find any books about how to keep a leaf in your mouth for a full month except this one… but the formatting seems like it was written by a six year old!" James said, putting his head on a pile of books.

"Why don't we just ask McGonagall how she did it?" Peter suggested.

"Yes, that sounds like a great conversation, 'oh hey Professor McGonagall how did you keep a leaf in your mouth for a month?' 'Oh are you trying to become an Animagus, that's illegal! You're expelled!' Great idea, Peter, that'll work so well!" James said, rolling his eyes.

"Well you think of a better idea, genius," said Peter.

"What if we put sweets around it to make it taste better?" Sirius suggested.

"But the whole point is that it has to be touching your mouth for the whole month," I said, flicking through a book, exhausted. "Maybe we could transfigure it…"

It was almost midnight, and we were all searching through books while being highly alert for teachers that could walk in on us.

"I just wanna sleep," Peter complained.

"We can't give up," said Sirius, rolling up his sleeves.

"It's so late," Peter yawned.

"Stop complaining," Sirius snapped. "Keep reading."

"I can't!" Peter cried. "My eyes can no longer read! We've been doing at this all night!"

"Peter!" Sirius hissed. "You are literally such a—"

"Sirius, it's alright," I said. "We have been at it all night, really, it's fine. He's trying at least."

"Remus is right," Peter said, clinging onto my arm.

"You don't even care about your friends, Peter!" James added.

"Shush! We'll get caught!" I whispered.

"I do, I just don't want to be dead," Peter said, still clinging onto me.

"YOU DON'T HELP ANYONE!" Sirius shouted.

"Shoosh!" I hissed.

"YOU ONLY EVER THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!" James roared.

"Guys!" I whispered, looking around. "Shut. Up."

"Why are we even friends!?" said Sirius, crossing his arms.

"I'm just… scared of everything," said Peter, sighing. "You wouldn't get it."

"Help. Us. Study." James was glaring at Peter coldly. Peter was trembling, looking at him. "Now."

Eyes wide, Peter opened a book and looked down at it. I gave my three friends a look then continued reading myself.

"Excuse me boys, but shouldn't you be in your dormitory?"

I jerked my head up to find myself in the library, and Madam Pince looking down at me.

Oh shit! I thought. We must've fallen asleep!

"Sorry, Madam Pince, we were just—" James started.

"It's four in the morning." Madam Pince stared down at us coldly. "I have alerted your head of house, you must meet her at her office now."

My friends and I exchanged looks, then walked out of the library together. We walked in silence all the way to Professor McGonagall's office, and then we knocked.

"Come in."

I opened the door then we walked in together to see Professor McGonagall sitting at her desk, glaring at us coldly. Her lip was curled.

"Madam Pince told me she found you four sleeping in the library. At night," she said. "Can any of you tell me the school policy about what happens during the night time?"

"Y-you have to stay in your dormitory or common room from nine at night until six-thirty the next morning," I said.

She nodded. "Mr Potter, Mr Black… er, well I'm not surprised. Mr Pettigrew, I didn't know this side of you, but Mr Lupin? You're the most intelligent, responsible student I know! How could you do this?"

"I'm sorry, Professor," I said, hanging my head.

"Madam Pince found this," she said, holding up James's invisibility cloak. "An invisibility cloak? I don't know whose this is or where you got it from, but I am confiscating it."

"Professor, please—" James started.

"Madam Pince also told me she looked through the books you'd been reading," said Professor McGonagall, cutting him off. "And I want you to give me a straight answer here: are you trying to become Animagus?"

Did anyone else do something similar to Remus's "date" when they were younger?