Chapter 19; We got nowhere to go Everything I ever wanted was someone, I'm watching them go

Felicity

Felicity had been ringing with this decision from the moment she had learnt why Oliver, Thea and Sara had been MIA. Laurel had gone home for the night. Too worried to do anything and she told them she felt like being alone. So, they let her after making her promise to call them if she needed anything or if there were any news. It had been a few hours after Laurel had left that Barry had shown up at the Bunker, before going back to Central City, to let her and Digg know what was going on and that Oliver and Thea were fine and that Caitlin was taking care of Sara… and Sara's unborn child. That had been a shock for both her and Digg. And Barry tried to backpedal when he realized that they hadn't known about Sara's pregnancy. He made them swear not to tell anyone. And left shortly after explaining that Cisco needed him back home. But that he'd be back if they needed him.

Laurel had later called them and let them know that she was at Oliver and Sara's with her parents and Thea. And that everything was under control and she'll talk and explain everything to them later. So, both she and Digg had gone home too. There was really nothing they could do except sit around, and they could do that just as well at home.

She had spent the following day with her mom, talking about what was going on and how worried she was about Sara and that she didn't know what she should do. Her mom had told her to leave everyone alone for now and wait until she got more news. That it sounded as if there were enough people with them already and that it might get too crowded if any more were to show up.

So she waited.

Waited until Laurel called her again. Letting her know that they were all heading back home. That Oliver and Sara were both doing okay and asked them to leave them alone for the rest of the day and the night. So, she had stayed away again.

But today, today she decided that she couldn't sit around and do nothing any longer and that she needed to know how they were doing. Needed to talk to both Oliver and Sara in person. To make sure they were okay.

And this is how she ended up standing in front of Oliver's apartment door. Not sure what she should do. Maybe she should've called first. Or texted. She was still trying to work up the nerve to ring the doorbell when the door suddenly opened and Sara was just about to step outside.

"Felicity..." Sara looked surprised when she found her in front of her doorstep just standing there.

"Sara, hi. How are you? Is Oliver here? Can I come in?" Felicity realized she was babbling but couldn't stop herself, she hadn't been ready to push the doorbell yet. Her eyes automatically trailed from Sara's face to her rounded stomach under what looked suspiciously like one of Oliver's business shirts.

"Ahm... yeah, Ollie... Ollie's here... hold on, I'll get him." Sara walked away from the door, leaving it ajar but not inviting her in. Felicity noticed Sara's mom, who had been standing slightly behind the other woman, obviously ready to leave with her daughter.

It didn't take long for Sara to return with Oliver. The two of them seemed to have a silent conversation before Sara put her hand on his arm and said something in a language Felicity didn't understand, Oliver answering the blonde in kind. It was very clear to her that whatever they were saying was not meant for her and Sara's mom's ears. Felicity was pretty sure they were speaking in Arabic, at least the language sounded a lot like the one that was primarily spoken in Nanda Parbat.

Sara gazed intently at Oliver for one last time, before getting on her toes and kissing his cheek. Giving his hand a tight squeeze before she left with her mom.

Leaving her alone with Oliver.

"Oh wow. I thought Barry was pulling my leg. But Sara's really pregnant. Sara with a kid. Now that's not an image I would've thought of. Kind of hard to picture her as a mom, right? So, who's the dad? Is he in the picture? I mean, its kind of weird the two of you living together if there's another guy… I can't imagine him being cool with that." Felicity was still standing just inside the doorway to Oliver's new apartment, watching Sara and her mom as they disappeared behind the closing elevator doors. Stepping into the apartment after Oliver had motioned to her to.

She laughed at the first part of her short ramble, Sara wasn't the type of woman that screamed 'mom' to her. She looked at Oliver expectantly, wondering about the guy that got Sara pregnant. She couldn't really picture anyone, really. The last person she knew Sara was involved with had been Nyssa…

"Sara will be an excellent mother, there's no question about it." Oliver's answer was brief and clipped, which led to her finally turning around and facing him.

"I didn't say she won't be. I just said that it's hard to picture her with a baby. I mean, you have to admit nothing about her really screams 'mom'." She explained, trying to get him to lighten up a little and focus on the point she made. It wasn't that she thought Sara would be a bad mom, just that it was really hard to picture the former assassin taking care of a child, even less a baby. For some reason her attempt seemed to not have the desired effect. Oliver huffed, set his jaw and pursed his lips and went into the defensive.

"There's really nothing easier than picturing Sara as a mom. And a damn good one at that. She loves children, always has, which is why she used to work as a babysitter in her teens. How about you stop making assumptions about someone and something you know nothing about and tell me what you're doing here?" She could see that his patience was waning, and she knew she should just drop the subject and tell him why she was here.

"So, what about the baby's father? Is he around or going to show up… what's the story." But as usual, her mouth and curiosity got the better of her.

"It's really none of your business. What are you doing here, Felicity?" Oliver's curt reply and dismissive attitude started to seriously rub her the wrong way.

"Why didn't you tell me about Sara's pregnancy?" So she replied in kind and decided to answer a question with a question.

"I didn't think it was any of your business." Still curt, dismissive, as if he was simply stating a fact and the most obvious one there was. Why wouldn't it be her business? Sara was her friend.

"Not my business? So, it's everyone's business but mine? Once again you decided to tell everyone but me." And everyone including Caitlin… and Barry, who once again seemed to have learnt about Sara's pregnancy before her.

"The reason everyone knows is because of what Sara's just been going through the last couple of days. And the everyone you're talking about are our families. We had told no one... we didn't plan on telling anyone yet. We were still trying to figure out how to tell people about the baby. But even if things would've gone according to plan, our families would still have been the first ones to learn about our baby." Oliver sounded close to being at the end of his rope. He seemed to be getting really fed up with the topic of the conversation, well too bad for him. She wasn't done yet! She had a right to know and a right to an explanation as to why he… wait, did he just say… no, it couldn't be… he hadn't just said…

"Wait what did you…? Did you just… Our baby? Did you just say OUR baby? You've got to be kidding me! You're the father of Sara's baby? Wow, didn't take you long to get back together with her. Wait, I thought you guys weren't back together." Felicity still couldn't believe it. Did she really just hear right? He couldn't be serious! And hadn't Digg ensured her that no, they weren't back together? But then of course he'd screw Sara right after they broke up. It really wasn't that surprising when she thought about it given their past. She seemed to be his go-to person for situations like this.

"We're not. It's not... it's complicated. But yeah, Sara's pregnant with my child." Oliver looked at the floor at the beginning of his answer just to look her straight in the eyes when claiming his child.

"Excuse me? Wow! I really can't believe you, Oliver. So you're not back together. You just decided to knock her up after giving up William. That makes sense. Make a new child after you gave the other one up because it was better for him! Genius, Oliver! You knock up your ex and then you stand there and tell me it's none of my business. Are you serious? But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, you decided that William was none of my business either. How could you keep this from me?! Me! You think I don't have the right to know that you knocked up Sara? I can't believe you wouldn't tell me after everything with William… How could you keep more secrets from me? Were you even going to tell me if I hadn't just made you? What else aren't you telling me? And wow, you just jumped right back into bed with Sara… I mean how long have you waited until after we broke up? From the looks of Sara's stomach, not that long. I can't believe it! You and Sara just can't keep it in your pants, can you? And I can't believe Sara... I mean she's really just always willing to spread her legs for you... isn't she?" Felicity knew she'd gone too far the moment she said it, and really she didn't mean it. She loved Sara, and she didn't think of her like that at all, she was just hurt and lashing out and trying to hurt Oliver... but she could see her error the moment she made it. There was one rule, one very important rule when it came to Oliver.

Don't ever insult Sara Lance in his presence.

"Stop! Just stop, Felicity. You have no idea what you're talking about, so maybe you should just for once show some restraint and not say anything at all. From the moment you showed up here you've just been making assumptions and you have yet to tell me why you're here and what you want." Oliver's harsh and angry words took aback Felicity. She couldn't remember him ever talking to her like that before.

"Oliver… I…" but she was cut off by her furious ex.

"No, you don't get to talk right now. This isn't about you. This has never and will never be about you. Nothing concerning Sara ever was. So, you know what? I'm done. I'm done trying to protect you and spare your feelings or boost your ego after you feel insecure about whatever, or in this case a woman I have known for over twenty years and my relationship with her. Someone you called your friend while telling me that the way I was grieving her was wrong. You have no idea, no idea what she's going through, what she and I are going through, and you've made it perfectly clear with that rant, that you don't actually care. Not about this and not about me. The only thing you care about is yourself. Believe me, I got the message loud and clear all these months ago. You really managed to make me see just what you thought of me and our relationship. But you know what, Felicity? I'm not the only bad guy here. And you have no right to judge me. We didn't tell you or anyone because it's no one's fucking business. And least of all yours. You lost your right to know what's going on in my life when you walked out of it the same moment I gave up my son. Because you felt you had the right to be a part of Samantha and I's decision. A decision she barely let me be a part of. You fucking got up from your wheel chair and walked away from me. Do you have any idea how much I wanted to share that moment with you, the moment you could walk again? It was something I had wished and hoped for ever since I found out that you might never walk again. It was the one good thing that had happened that day. The one good thing! And you took that away from me too. Do you have any idea how much that one action alone hurt? That you wouldn't even share that joy with me after everything we've been through? You do not understand how badly I wanted to wrap you in my arms and just hold you and enjoy this very happy occasion with you. How much I wanted you to walk towards me. But you chose to walk away from me… from us. Your first action after regaining the feelings in your legs was to walk away from me. And all I wanted was for you to walk towards me, to wrap you in my arms and share this miracle of a moment, this very joyful occasion with you." Oliver looked at her with so much pain in his eyes that she didn't know what to do or say. She had honestly never thought about that. She had never thought about the fact that the first thing she did when she got the feeling back in her legs was walk away from him. It had just seemed natural given the situation they had found themselves in. She never imagined that this was how he was feeling about it. She never actually thought about his feelings at all. And she had to swallow because once again she hadn't considered his feelings, they hadn't even crossed her mind, not then and not until now that he shared them with her. But he still wasn't done. She guessed he really meant it when he said that he was done sparing her feelings.

"And you're right, I lied to you. I kept things from you. But so did you. You never told me that you were helping the Team while we were in Ivy Town, or that you weren't happy. Why didn't you? Why didn't you tell me those things? We could've talked about them. Could've worked on them. Could have tried to find a solution. Just like two adults in a relationship should. Marriage is about inclusion, right? About not having to do things alone? So why hadn't you included me in the knowledge that you weren't happy or satisfied with our life? Do you know how that makes me feel? I had been happy in Ivy Town, happier than I had been in a long time. I thought we both were, but it had all just been a lie. Hadn't it? Were you ever happy with just me? Was there ever a time during our relationship where I was enough? You've known who I am even before we got involved. You knew that I had secrets, that I tend to lie. None of that was news to you, so why did you suddenly act as if you hadn't known that all along? As if you hadn't known who I was. I've never hid that from you or made excuses about who I am. I had no choice but to not tell you about William. I had told no one about him. Samantha made it very clear that she would keep him away from me if I told anyone. I begged her to let me tell you, she refused. William doesn't even know that I'm his father. I'm a friend of his mother's as far as his concerned, and that's probably all I'll ever be. If he'll even remember me. So yeah, I chose to get to know my son. I chose my child over you. I thought you of all people would understand that and why I did it, given your childhood. I never thought I could be this wrong." Oliver shook his head, looked at the floor and exhaled before looking back up at her. This time his expression had changed. It was no longer open and vulnerable. His eyes were hard, and his jaw was set. She was just about to say something when Oliver delivered his final blow.

"One more thing. If you ever talk to Sara the way you did me or say anything like that in her presence I swear I'll make you regret it. You claim that she's your friend. It's way past the time for you to put your money where your mouth is and start to act like it. And don't you ever, ever say or do anything that could even just imply that you think she might be a terrible mother. That's the last thing she needs to hear from anyone right now, even less a friend. What she could use is all the love and support she can get. And she's always adored you and has a soft spot for you. That hasn't changed and won't change. She might be angry at you on my behalf right now but I'm sure she'll get passed that in no time, if you proof to her that you are her friend and someone she can count on. Friendship is about more than just being there for someone when it's convenient for you, it's about being there for them when it isn't." The beginning of his statement had been told in what she had dubbed his "Arrow-voice," years ago, but once he mentioned Sara it got softer, just like the look on his face, he sounded like a parent giving advice to his child when he mentioned the part about friendship. An uncomfortable silence followed his statement. Felicity wasn't sure what she should do or say. She felt… honestly, she wasn't sure how she felt right now. This had been a lot. She had expected none of this when she decided to stop by and talk to Oliver. She swallowed hard.

"So, again, what are you doing here Felicity?" Oliver asked after a deep sigh and a short glace towards the floor before fixing her with his eyes.

"I just… I just wanted to see how you and Sara were doing. I… we… I… I was worried. You guys scared us. Scared me. And when I heard that Caitlin had been here to take care of Sara… I just wanted to make sure the two… well… I guess… three of you are doing okay. Are you? Are Sara and the baby?" Felicity swallowed hard, blinking away the tears that had built during his outburst. She did not like to be on the receiving end of that one of Oliver's looks at all. And it made her nervous. Even more so after he exploded at her the way he did. She wasn't sure how he was going to react to her answer. Was it okay for her to ask him how they were doing? Would he think she was prying again? She still couldn't really wrap her head around everything she has just learnt, and that had happened, but Oliver was right, she could at least admit that to herself, to some degree anyway.

She would have to spend some more time thinking about everything he had said and letting it all sink in, but she could try, for now.

"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry… I didn't mean… I'm sorry I yelled at you. Thank you… for worrying… and caring. It means… it means… We're fine, all three of us… are fine. Sara just needs to take it easy for a while and then everything should be fine." Oliver looked taken aback after her revelation, and it surprised her. Why would he be surprised that she stopped by to check up on him and Sara? Why would he be this surprised about the fact that she cared about him and Sara? They were her friends. Of course she cared. How could he question that?

"It's okay. I guess I had it coming… in a way. Look, I'm really sorry about what I said. I didn't mean… You were right. It's none of my business. What you do and who you do it with is none of my business. And whatever happened or is happening between you and Sara is between the two of you. I shouldn't have pried and I shouldn't have said what I did… I was just… shocked, I guess. But that's no excuse. I'm really sorry, Oliver. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it. And I would never say something that would make Sara feel as if she were an unfit mother. That was never what I was saying or how I meant it. I swear. I would never want to make her feel that way. I promise I won't ever say anything that could make her think that. I swear!" She didn't know what else she could say. Or do. She wasn't sure what had happened that led to this situation they were currently in. She didn't know what was going on with him. Or with Sara.

She didn't know what was going on with him.

The realization hit her like a freight train. Maybe that was the problem. She didn't know what was going on with him. Didn't know what had happened in the months since he had left Star. Didn't know what was going on with him and Sara. What had happened to Sara. And how all of this was affecting him. She didn't know what was going on with him or in his life.

Because she chose not to.

Because she had chosen to walk away from him.

To walk away from him instead of trying to work on their problems. Trying to find out why he didn't share his secrets with her. Why he didn't trust her. Why he didn't trust her the way he did Sara. But then again, it wasn't just her he didn't trust the way he did Sara. It was Laurel too, and Thea, and Digg, and really everyone.

He didn't trust anyone he did the way he trusted Sara.

Maybe she should have tried to figure out why. Why he had such trust issues with everyone except the woman who had shared some of his time on Lian Yu.

Felicity looked at Oliver. Really looked at him for the first time in… she couldn't even remember, and what she saw cut her to the core.

He looked exhausted. Physically but more importantly emotionally. He looked worn down and as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. There was a lot of pain in his eyes. How had she not seen this before? Had this just recently happened? Or had he already looked and felt like this before he had left? Was some of his pain her fault? What was going on that was wearing him down so much? And what could she do to help him? Help him carry some of the burden that was weighting him down?

"Look… Felicity… I… you… we… before… we used to be great friends before… all of this happened… and I would like… if you… could we try to go back to that? Could we try to be friends again? I miss having you as my friend and I could really use another one right now." Oliver started and gave her an expectant, vulnerable look and a weak smile. Offering her an Olive branch.

"Yeah, we were. I miss having you as my friend too, and I would like that." She returned his smile tentatively, surprised by the turn in their conversation.

"Good, that's good. Just… baby steps, okay? Give me time?" His request was quiet and heartfelt, and she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying something she knew she'd regret and would ruin the small amount of progress they had just made.

"Of course, as much as you need." She gave him another smile before pointing towards the door.

"I think I'll better… give you some time. You know where to find me… if you need a… a friend." She gave him a nod and turned around and left his apartment. Taking a deep breath once she was in the hallway and the door closed behind her.

That had been intense.

And not at all what she had expected. Oliver had given her a lot to think about.