Chapter 20; Sorry I could be so blind my ignorance has struck again tore you open 'til the end Sorry I could be so blind

Sara

When Sara returned home from her shopping trip with her mom, she found Oliver sitting in his armchair in the living room staring outside, completely engrossed in his thoughts. She leaned against the doorframe to take in the picture he presented and watch him for a bit.

God, he was beautiful. How could any person be so damn beautiful?

He was just so beautifully broken and torn and ripped apart at the seams just to be hurriedly and clumsily stitched back together. Just like an old patch worked quilt. His heart and mind were littered with scars just like his body. And yet, he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Inside out.

She gave herself permission to stare and drink him in a little longer until her gaze trailed over his body, taking in all the little detail that would help her gauge his current mood.

It didn't take her long to notice the piece of paper in his hand.

The same one she had found him staring at last night, after their argument.

Their trip to a doctor's office with Caitlin had really thrown him.

She mused it wasn't that difficult to understand. Shit had just gotten real for him. Not that he hadn't known she was pregnant, but until earlier this week her weight gain wasn't obviously from a person growing inside of her, and he hadn't been confronted with the pregnancy the way she had been. Most of the changes she had been going through hadn't been ones that would have helped Ollie in making it feel more real, unlike they were for her because she was experiencing them firsthand. It was her body that went through all of those changes, some of them not visible or noticeable for anyone besides herself.

So, seeing the baby, hearing its heartbeat, plus its recent growth spurt, were all things that drove the reality of the situation home for him.

The realization that he was going to be a father was settling in.

And she was pretty sure that his reaction to it wasn't at all what he had expected. He hadn't expected to be this thrown and affected by it. He hadn't expected to get this emotional. To end up being this conflicted about their decision.

He was really struggling right now. Struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that yes, they were going to have a baby. And that they decided to give it up. Well, only if she was certain that Ollie was one hundred percent sure it was what he wanted. She wasn't going to let him do something he would end up regretting for the rest of his life. And as harsh and cold as it sounded, in the end it was her signature that counted. They weren't married which meant that right now officially he had no claim to their child, not without her consent or a DNA test. So, he could sign those papers. But if she refused to do the same, the baby wasn't going to be given up for adoption. Period. In the end when it came to the law it was her choice. At least until it was born.

He looked like hell.

Her hope that his run in with Felicity might have gone better than she had expected had disappeared completely by now. And it had already been very slim to begin with. The fact that he had still been emotionally raw because of their argument the night before and the harsh words she had thrown at him, couldn't have helped the situation. She couldn't even begin to describe how awful she felt about everything she had said. She hadn't meant any of it. She hadn't been able to push the pain she had felt after their appointment away, hadn't managed to put it all back in its box like she had wanted to. So, she had tried to distract herself from her pain and when that had failed too; she did what she had always done. She lashed out, trying to make Ollie feel as bad as she did. Knowing full well that he had already been in pain too. That there had been no need for her to cause him anymore. But in that moment, she hadn't cared. She had needed some sort of release for the pain she was feeling, the pain that she didn't know how to handle. And she had felt them, she had felt the demons under her skin stir again, begging for blood, whispering that she would feel better, that feeling the warm blood on her hands would make her feel better, would make that bone deep ache, that unbearable pain disappear. So, she did the only thing that had made sense to her in that moment, to push her pain away, to hopefully satisfy the demons under her skin enough to make their whispers go away again. And that was to lash out at Ollie, to wield invisible knives, to cut open his emotional scars and make them bleed again.

If she could take the argument and the words she had spoken back, she would, without a moment's hesitation. But what's done was done all she could do now was damage control. And try to make it up to him.

She slowly walked towards him, making sure that her footsteps made a sound on the hardwood floor. She could see in the slight shift in his posture that he was finally aware of her presence but didn't turn towards her. She stopped within arm's reach of him, studying him before deciding how to proceed.

She didn't want to intrude. She didn't want to interrupt his brooding. And she wasn't sure whether he wanted her around. She knew she wasn't his favorite person right now. Understandably. She was feeling the same way about herself. But she also didn't just want to avoid him and give him the feeling she was still angry at him. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Not to mention that she had never actually been angry with him to begin with. She was only angry at herself for using him as her emotional punching bag. Last night's argument had had nothing to do with anger at all.

She didn't want him to feel that way. She didn't want him to feel that she was angry at him and avoiding him because of that. Not after this morning, not if he might need her. Or wanted to talk, or maybe just some company.

So, she stood close enough to touch so he could reach out to her if he wanted to, but far enough away not to crowd him if he didn't. And she would stay in that exact spot until he gave her a sign. A sign to let her know what he wanted and needed. Until he let her know what she should do. What he wanted her to do. Until then, she would just wait him out. Give him all the time that he needed.

Even though her feet were killing her from the shopping trip, her mother had forced her to go on. A shopping trip she had never wanted to take to begin with. She was fine just throwing on some of Ollie's clothes. And she knew he didn't mind. So, she really didn't see the point why her mom had insisted on dragging her from one store's maternity section to the next. Forcing her to try on clothes after clothes and making her buy way too much stuff that she didn't want or need. Sara had breathed a sign of relieve when her mom had decided that they had bought enough, for now, finally being released from this hell, looking forward to heading home and lying down, giving her exhausted body some rest and putting her sore feet up. Maybe even getting a foot massage from Ollie, if he felt like being around her and doing something nice for her. Not that she expected him to or deserved it… but that man did know how to give a proper massage. So, she could dream and hope…

Only to exchange one definition of hell for another, okay maybe not hell but definitely not her definition of fun right now. She still didn't know how her mom had managed to rope her into going for coffee, or in her case tea, to Laurel and Thea's apartment.

And hadn't that been fun.

Both Thea and her mom had tried to sort of bridge over and try and solve the issues between Laurel and her without really addressing any of it. And not bringing any of their issues up. Not that either of them could. Neither her mom nor Thea actually knew or understood her and Laurel's issues. All they saw was the obvious, the symptoms. They didn't know or see the underlying disease. The origin of the poison that had slowly seeped into their relationship over the course of years. They didn't know the plant that had poisoned them. Probably weren't even aware that it was poison to begin with.

It had been exhausting and there was no need to say, nothing had been talked about or solved at all. She almost felt as if things might have even gotten worse. But she wouldn't know until she spoke to Laurel herself, alone. She had managed to leave without much protest after a couple of hours with the excuse of being exhausted and needing to lay down, which had actually been the truth.

Her mom was, thankfully, still there spending time with the two women, probably still trying to do damage control when it came to Laurel, and all of her shopping bags were left with her.

But she had needed to leave.

It had all been just too much.

And there was nothing she wanted to do more right now than just fall into her or Ollie's bed and sleep. But sleep had to wait. At least for now. Until she knew what Ollie needed. It was the very least she could do after yesterday. She at least owed him that.

Sara purposely avoided looking at the sonogram in Ollie's hand. She couldn't… it had been the reason they had ended up with last night's mess and the consequences they were still dealing with now. There was no way she was going to risk making even a bigger mess now. So, ignorance and denial were the way to go for now. Not acknowledging what it was that Ollie seemed to be incapable of letting go or putting down.

She didn't know how long she had been standing there, just watching him, while he kept on staring out the window, ignoring her. Fine, if he wanted to be this way and just ignore her in hopes she'd just get fed up with his behavior and leave, so he didn't have to make a decision on how he was feeling, he could but she really thought he had learnt by now that she could out stubborn him every day of the week. She wasn't going to leave. Not until he asked her to.

God, her feet were killing her.

Sara rolled her shoulders back and moved her neck around before stretching her back. Jesus, being on her feet for hours was really starting to take its toll on her and her body. Her lower back was hurting. A hot bath would be heaven right now, before lying down. She was pretty sure Ollie was in no mood to give her a back rub or foot massage, which was fine. A hot bath would help ease some of her aches. At least once she got any type of reaction from Ollie. And she'd done whatever he needed her to do. God, she was so tired and everything hurt. She was also pointedly ignoring the slight movement she could feel in her stomach. Had for a while now. She couldn't deal with that on top of everything else now, too.

Fuck, she would have to eat and drink something soon. Otherwise her blood sugar would plummet and that would be bad for the baby and might actually lead to her fainting. Neither one something she wanted to happen.

It were moment's like this that she wished Ollie wasn't as stubborn a mule as he was. It would make her life so much easier right now.

Oliver

He had been aware of Sara's presence from the moment she had stepped into their apartment. The part of him that belonged to Sara and Sara alone, that was always in a state of worry, concern and fear when she wasn't within his close proximity, relaxed and calmed down immediately, knowing that she was home, that she was safe.

He noticed when she stopped and could feel her eyes on him, mustering him, analyzing him. He shifted slightly when she walked into the living room, but that was all the acknowledgement of her presence he was able and willing to give her. He still wasn't sure how he felt about last night and the things she had said. He knew that she was sorry and regretted saying them, but still… her words had hurt. Even knowing why she did what she did and chose the words she had said… they had still hurt even knowing that it had been her goal to hurt him. That she had lashed out to make him hurt as much as she did, he knew that, and he understood that, but it didn't change the fact that the words she had chosen to wound him with, had cut so very deep. And he knew how sorry she was, how much she regretted her actions, the fact that she had sought him out first, that she had actually apologized to him, spoke volumes and made that very clear.

But he wasn't sure he could deal with her right now.

Not after the way things went with Felicity.

He had never meant to revisit the past. To rip open those wounds that had barely healed during the five months he had been away. He hadn't meant to rehash the entirety of their relationship. To get back to that place where he questioned all of it, question if he had ever been enough for her. This lonely, cold place where he wondered if he would ever be enough for anyone. Or if all anyone would ever see when they looked at him were his scars, physical and mental and just how fucked up he really was. Would anyone ever be able to love him for who he was? All of him, including the monster that lived within him? Did he even deserve to be loved by anyone? Even less unconditionally? He was a monster, a killer and monsters and killers didn't deserve to be loved.

Fuck.

He had never meant to yell at her like that. He had never intended to speak to her the way he did. He had no right to have spoken to her the way he did. He shouldn't have spoken to her the way he did. And he wouldn't have… not if it hadn't been for the argument he and Sara had had the night before.

Having those types of arguments with Sara or maybe Laurel was one thing. They knew… they knew how he meant shit like that; they knew he didn't… they had known him long enough to know that he didn't mean to be that harsh. They understood him and how he worked, which was why they always gave back as good as they got. He had gone countless rounds with both Lance sisters, and those arguments usually ended up being a draw. Because neither side pulled any punches and in the end, they always made up. Sometimes right after, sometimes it took a few days, sometimes even weeks, and on rare occasions it might have even been months. But that was fine. Because he knew, all parties knew, that they would figure shit out and make up again. Because they've known each other for too long, have been through too much together not to.

But Felicity wasn't Sara or Laurel. Felicity didn't understand why he had lashed out at her. She couldn't. She had no way of knowing that having her show up out of the blue, unannounced had thrown him. She had no way of knowing that the main reason why Sara had agreed to go shopping with her mom had been to give him some space after their fight. Space that he desperately needed after spending the night holding and comforting Sara.

Even though a part of him had still been, and still was, angry at her.

He had never meant to let his anger, frustration and hurt out on Felicity.

He had never meant to tell her all the things he had. She was never supposed to know some of those things, his feelings and emotions, just how much some of her actions have hurt him. He felt really bad about the way he had spoken and treated her. There was still a part of him that just wanted to protect her, from everyone and everything. Shield her from the harsh reality that was the world to ensure that she would never lose her naivete and happy, positive outlook on life. But he also knew that he and Digg hadn't necessarily done her any favors, making sure that none of her actions had any negative consequences for her. Shielding her from the truth of what some of her words and choices had let to or could have let to. Letting her mistakes, no matter how bad or severe slide, not calling her sometimes reckless and thoughtless behavior out, when he would have given someone else hell for doing the same things he let her get away with, with no consequences for her at all.

But he could've been a lot less harsh. He had meant to bring it up, but not like this.

Fuck!

This had not been at all what he had expected. What he had wanted his first conversation with Felicity to be like. He hoped he hadn't messed it all up. Hoped that she had been sincere when she told him that she would like to be friends again too. Because he needed her. He needed her in his life. He needed her sunny, chipper and humorous personality in his life.

Felicity was so very important to him, and he did not want to lose her.

He knew Sara was still standing within his reach, waiting for a reaction from him, but he really couldn't care right now.

He knew his behavior was wrong. That he shouldn't make her suffer, but part of him really didn't give a shit about what he should or shouldn't do. He just couldn't… he had done nothing but take care of her or anyone else for the last couple of days and he was done. He was exhausted and his emotions were a mess. He was still trying to wrap his head around everything that had happened, but it was all just too fucking much. And he was just done giving a shit.

Besides, Sara could handle whatever he was throwing at her, so she could handle this too. She could always walk away and leave him alone if she couldn't handle his current behavior. He wasn't forcing her to stay here and wait him out. Wasn't forcing her to endure his silent treatment or him pretending she wasn't there. He wasn't forcing her to wait him out until he decided to stop ignoring her.

He wasn't sure how long they had been playing their little game until he started to study her reflection in the window.

She looked worn down, he could see her eyes regularly closing on their own accord, slightly swaying on her feet, he watched her roll her shoulders and crack her neck before stretching her back and then placing both of her hands on her lower back. While a flicker of pain was visible on her face.

She shouldn't be standing. She shouldn't be standing here waiting him out. She should be in bed, lying down. Why was she here? Why was participating in his game? She should be resting.

"You should be in bed, resting." His voice was gruff, and he was still not facing her.

"No, I'm right where I should be. I'm fine." She replied softly. He hated when she did this. When she decided that whatever he was going through or dealing with was more important than her health. For one because it was bullshit, and she just ended up putting herself in unnecessary discomfort or danger. And two, it made it almost impossible for him to stay mad at her. Knowing that she was willing to risk her health in order to ensure that he was okay and getting what he needed.

He gritted his teeth in anger and annoyance, traced his thumb over the photo of their little Hummingbird, shortly wondering if she would be as stubborn and exasperating as her mother, before exhaling angrily and pursing his lips. He put the photo back in his breast pocked while he stood up in one swift motion, striding to Sara and picking her up, carrying her to his room to lie down with her.

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

He softly placed her on her back in the middle of his bed before following her onto it. Moving until he could kneel with one leg on either side of her, his face hovering inches above hers.

"Ollie?" Her voice was soft and questioning while her eyes were studying his intently.

He let her scrutinize him for a moment before bending his head all the way down to capture her lips with his.

Fuck it, fuck it all.

He just wanted to feel something besides the pain and hurt. He just wanted to forget. Forget the fucking mess his life had become. He just wanted to get lost. To clear his mind of everything besides the physical pleasure she could bring. Desperately seeking the comfort only Sara could provide him with.

He just needed to forget, just for a little while.