CW: Dark thoughts, but the next chapter is worse

I hit my head on hard floor, which made my head swim and black spots appear in my eyes. Once my senses returned, I looked up to see I was in an uncomfortably familiar place. I could smell werewolves everywhere, could see the caves surrounding me. One of the caves I saw, I'd never cave where I'd killed Monifa last summer stood in front of me, and I felt a wave of nausea at the sight of it. All I could see in my mind's eye was the blood, the tears that had fallen from her eyes before they went glassy.

Trembling, I tried to stand up, but Greyback kicked me back to the floor, winding me.

"Don't think you're going anywhere, kid," he snarled, sending a chill across my body.

"What do you want?"

"I assume you're aware that there's a war going on?" He dug his sharp fingernails into my neck, causing me to cough and splutter. "Well, we want to recruit all of the werewolves."

"Don't you have enough?" I choked, trying and failing to fight against him.

"NOT ALL!" He started dragging me behind him as I thrashed about, trying to get away from him. Then he said, in a very low voice, "What sort of a man are you if you can't even support your own kind?"

"I-I'm not like you," I coughed, trying to pull his hands from my throat. I couldn't breathe, I was suffocating, I was going to die if he didn't stop.

"I'LL MAKE YOU LIKE ME!" He grabbed out his wand with his free hand and pointed it directly at me. "CRUCIO!"

It was like transforming into a werewolf, yet it felt more on my skin then all through my muscles and bones. I wanted to scream but I couldn't, I'd already had him dig his sharp fingernails into my throat, so the scream came out as a crackly squeak.

Tears came to my eyes as every inch of my body stung, feeling like it was on fire for what felt like hours, but it had only been a minute once he finally released the spell and let go of me. I fell to the floor, shaking and feeling like an absolute idiot. So weak. I tried to stand but he kicked me back to the floor once again.

"You bloody traitor," he snarled, kicking me again. "YOU TRAITOR! CRUCIO!"

I screamed out as the same pain washed over my body. He kept the spell on me for longer this time, leaving me laying down like a dead bug. He kneeled and spoke softly in my ear.

"After you killed that stupid girl, you still wouldn't join the wolves. Absolutely pathetic."

"I will never join you," I choked, trying to stand on my shaky legs.

"We'll see. CRUCIO!" He shouted the curse for the third time. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to torture me into what he wanted. Why did anyone torture anyone? To get what they wanted. If Sirius could survive thirteen years of this, surely I could survive it for a few minutes.

But I couldn't. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't. I got to the point where anything would be better than the pain. And I gave in. I was pathetic and weak, but I gave in. Such a coward.

"OK!" I gasped, "OK! Stop, please!"

He finally released the spell, and I took in a deep breath. The pain was gone.

"OK," he said. "Follow me unless you want that again. Come on son, up you get… atta boy…"

Not being able to think straight, I followed him through the cave until we came to a small group of people gathered around a fireplace. I could smell that they were all werewolves immediately.

They all turned around when Greyback and I approached them.

"Remus Lupin!" one of them cried, standing up and patting me on the back. "'Ow you goin', laddy?"

I ignored him, looking at the floor.

"Make yourself at home, Remus," Greyback said to me, leading me to an empty seat by the fire. Hesitantly, I sat down, shivering. Anything was better than the cruciatus curse for someone as cowardly as I was.

"Change of heart, eh?" The other werewolves were all grinning at me, and I could see their rotting teeth clearly.

I said nothing, just wishing I could die right there. They all pat me on the back and ruffled hair, cheering, until Greyback silenced them.

"Alright everyone," he said, standing in front of everyone. "Next full moon is two weeks away from this Friday. As you all know, we usually spend the full moon gifting our bite to children. But this time, we're putting the plan into action. Our plan to attack Hogwarts."

My heart stopped. He was planning on attacking Hogwarts. If I ended up still with the werewolves then, I would end up killing more people. Possibly a big chunk of people. I may even turn one of them into a werewolf. It could be a teacher, a student…

Suddenly the cruciatus curse sounded nice.

"We're meeting the Death Eaters there," Greyback continued, "and possibly the Dark Lord himself. Every student and staff there should be killed by the end of the night."

Crying was embarrassing. Showing any form of emotion in front of others was embarrassing. It was hard not to cry at that moment. I knew what was coming this time. I knew I'd have new guilt placed on my shoulders, crushing me down until I was absolutely nothing. Until I was just a walking, talking body, internally dead. Until I was nothing. I'd thought that if I was to ever get over the guilt of killing Monifa, I'd never have to go through something like that again. That just maybe I could have had a normal life. Why had I been so foolish in thinking that? Why hadn't I realised that I was a murderer? Maybe that's the only thing my friends and family saw me as?

After the meeting, Greyback forced me into a smaller cave, and pushed the rock in front of the entrance then left me alone in there, and I broke down. Why did I have to act like such a baby and cry? I hated myself more than anything. After a while, I cleared my head and evened out my breathing.

I had to stop the attack on Hogwarts, but how? My wand had been left in my trunk, so it was probably at Hogwarts by now, if the train had even got to Hogwarts after Greyback had broken in? I let my anger out by punching the stone wall, leading to a sore fist.

I was helpless. I wished I'd just let Greyback torture me to death.

"Kid! Kid! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes, realising I'd fallen asleep. How did I fall asleep? I looked to where light was coming through a small crack where the rock was slightly ajar. There was a man standing there. He was tall, had long, matted auburn hair, a dirty face, inch-long yellow fingernails on his dirty fingers, and one of his eyes was closed. One sniff told me he, too, was a werewolf.

"Kid." He walked into the cave. His voice sounded like the others here: low and gravelly with a cockney accent. "I brought you some food."

He held out a hunk of steak. Raw steak. I winced at the thought of eating it.

As if he could read my mind, he said, "You've never had raw meat before?"

"Of course not," I said, "I don't want to get food poisoning."

He put his face in his hands. "They've really convinced you you're human, 'aven't they? Just try it, kid."

When I didn't move, he forcefully grabbed my arm and placed it in my hand. It was slimy and disgusting, causing me to drop it. He rolled his eyes, picking up the meat. "D'you wanna starve to death? Just eat the damn meat!"

"I'm not hungry." As if my body was against me, my stomach rumbled loudly.

"Come on kid, it's just beef," he said. "Not gonna make you eat 'uman meat yet."

"What!?"

He laughed, and while I was distracted from my shock, he shoved the meat down my throat.

To my surprise, it tasted quite good. I remembered when I was eight, Mum accidentally ate raw meat, and she'd gotten awfully sick from it. But instead of feeling sick, I felt a burst of energy all my distress from last night gone, and begun craving more

"Like that, eh?" he smiled. "Oh! I forgot to introduce myself! My name is… oh, you'll just laugh at me. Everyone calls me Chef."

"Chef?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I provide all the food here," he said. "During the full moon, I 'unt for meat while everyone else gets new recruits."

"Oh, er… good for you. I'm—"

"I know who you are," said Chef, laughing. "Greyback won't shut up about you: 'The one wolf who slipped his grasp as a kid'. Honestly, it's quite annoying."

"OK, well you seem nice, so mind if I just…" I tried to push past him to leave the cave, but he pushed me back.

"You're not goin' anywhere, kid," he said. "Don' make Greyback put ya under the imperious curse, eh. That's me one advice for ya."

"The imperious curse?" I repeated, feeling my stomach flip.

"Yeah, 'e's considering it if ya don't cooperate. If he puts you under tha' curse, well that's the end of ya freedom," he explained. "So just… try to cooperate, alright?"

He smiled faintly, then walked out of the cave, closing the rock again.

I spent the almost the entire month of January stuck in that small cave, being visited by Chef three times a day, bringing me raw meat. He was the only person I saw, and he was a good friend as far as the other werewolves went. I learnt he had been a werewolf and living in the caves since he was three years old, and he was now forty-two. He said he thought it was good to join the pack, but also wanted to know about the real world. Apart from his visits, I started feeling more alone than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I'd made multiple escape attempts, but nothing had worked. I was dreading the full moon more than anything.

But the day of the full moon did come, and just before and the werewolves dragged me out to their meeting place, Chef came to talk to me.

"Hey, kid," he said.

"Hi," I said, my voice having no emotion.

"You know, you're alright," he said. "And in case I never see you again, if you… I dunno, escape or sumfink, feel free to send an owl if you need help from an elder werewolf. Write my real name, and the owl should find me. It's er… Pea Eeniss."

"Penis?" I repeated, looking up at him. He'd turned bright red.

"No, Pea Eeniss," he said.

I laughed for the first time in weeks. Somehow I was laughing. He had the most unfortunate name I'd ever heard.

"This is why I go by Chef!" he said, crossing his arms, then shaking his head, "Kids."

"Why did your parents call you that?" I asked. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry… but just… why?"

"Dunno," he said sadly. "I haven't seen them since I was three years old, when I was bitten."

"Oh… I'm sorry," I said. "Well, if I somehow escape, and don't see you, I'll make sure to write to you, Penis."

"Alright, kid," he said, smiling.

We all met around the fire, no one speaking, and Greyback put the disillusionment charm on all of us, causing us to camouflage. Everyone grabbed hands in a circle, they were already gripping my wrists. Then, as a pack, we apparated, coming out at Hogsmeade. I tried to shout out to get someone's attention, but Greyback put a silencing spell on me straight away.

I felt my wrist being tugged towards the castle, and we walked in, then to the Great Hall. Students were sitting at their tables. The hall was quieter than usual, and I caught sight of Sirius, James and Peter talking frantically to Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall in the corner of the hall. Just then I felt my knees give way and the familiar pain. I was transforming. I let out a scream from the pain, but of course no one heard it due to the silencing spell.

The rest of the night was history.

When I came back to my human form, I was on top of someone. They were gripping me firmly, and I didn't want to leave. Of course, it was Sirius. My mind was blank, I couldn't think or feel anything. I probably ended so many lives. Literally, and figuratively by turning some into werewolves themselves. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't speak, my breaths were heavy and forced. It was over. The battle, and my life.

I was twelve years old and now a mass murderer.