CW: Very dark thoughts. Remus literally wants to die because of the guilt. Sorry, that's a spoiler, but got to give warning.
Blood. All I could see was blood. We'd found Peter and James and the four of us had hidden under the invisibility cloak. Now the werewolves and the Death Eaters were gone. We didn't know why, but they were gone. Now all I could see was dead bodies scattered across the floor of the Transfiguration classroom, several splattered with their own and other people's blood. I wondered how many of those were my doing, and the thought of it made my legs give way, and I fell to my knees.
"Remus…" James gripped my arm. He was shaking. I didn't want to cry in front of them, but I had the feeling of crying rising in my throat, and the tears were threatening to slip from my eyes. My thoughts kept alternating from intense to absolutely nothing. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I was dead. I wished I was dead.
"We should try to find others," Sirius suggested. He was pale and his eyes were wide. I realised later that he'd fought against members of his own family, but at that moment I wasn't thinking about anything other than the guilt I was feeling, how I could have screamed until my voice didn't work, but I kept it internal.
"D-do you think anyone else is alive?" Peter said. Tears were stained on his face.
"I dunno…" James said nervously. "We barely helped… older students and teachers fought for us… maybe even died for us…"
"Let's just go find someone…" Peter said.
As we walked towards the Great Hall, I felt like someone was dragging me, like I was just floating around. There were a few other bodies that we saw on our way, before we came to the Great Hall and saw a small crowd of people sitting at the one of the tables quietly. We approached the crowd and sat down.
"Just two days ago we had just over three hundred students and teachers sitting here with only one student missing. From last night, we have recorded a hundred and thirty-two deaths and eighty-three are reported missing… almost everyone is injured." Professor Dumbledore ran his fingers through his long silver, and his voice was strained. "There's less than a hundred of us here. We thank Professor McGonagall for her defence spells which finally drew the Death Eaters away just an hour ago."
I gripped on the edge of the seat, trying to breathe normally.
"Alright, it's late," said Dumbledore. "How about we all get a good night's sleep and face this tomorrow? Alright, off to your dormitories, students. The teachers will discuss this."
"How do they expect us to sleep?" Sirius muttered as we walked toward the common room. "Does Dumbledore just want us to act like nothing's wrong? Like it's just any other night? Like I didn't just see my fucking family kill people? Like Remus didn't just get forced into taking part in a mass killing? Oh, yeah, Dumbledore, we're completely fine, so we'll just go to sleep!"
We came into the dormitory, and Sirius collapsed onto his bed and drew the curtains, after saying an angry good night. I climbed into my own four poster, drawing my curtains, and as soon as I alone, I didn't have to hide my emotions anymore and soon enough and I was sobbing, and screaming quietly into my pillow. I knew that the curtains of the four-posters muffled out most sound, but I still had to be careful my friends didn't hear me. But maybe it didn't matter: if my werewolf hearing was accurate (which it was), all three of my friends were crying in their beds.
What if this happened again? What if I killed someone else? I'd thought that surely after I'd killed Monifa I couldn't kill anyone else, yet here I was. I was so selfish. If I'd just listened to my parents and not gone to Hogwarts, this would have never happened. But my stupid, selfish self just decided I wanted to go to school and see my friends like a normal kid. Why couldn't I have realised that I was in fact not a normal kid? I was just some stupid monster who killed people.
Couldn't I spare so many innocent lives if simply didn't exist? I'd always wished dark magic didn't exist, and my entire existence was basically dark magic. I was an evil creature, yet I'd always tried to tell myself I was good, and so had my parents. But how could I possibly be a good person now? I was a terrible, murdering, angry, savage beast.
I couldn't let this happen again. I drew the curtains of my four-poster and climbed out of bed. My mind blank, I walked through the dormitory and out into the common room. I walked out of the portrait of the fat lady and walked through the castle. I wasn't thinking at all, and I eventually got to the top of the Astronomy tower, the tallest tower in the castle, and opened the window.
As I stood up there by the open window, the cold wind blowing in my face, I wondered for the first time what happened after death. Would I get to see other people who had died? Would I get the chance to apologise to Monifa and all the others? What belief was true? Would I go to heaven or hell? Or the underworld? Or the afterlife? Or would I be reincarnated?
I tried to swallow, but no spit came down my throat. I looked down, feeling nauseous, and clutched onto the edges of the windows, my breaths coming out shaky. If I was to jump right then, what would my friends think? Would they be relieved I was gone, and that they didn't have to constantly live in fear anymore? What would my parents think? They'd probably be glad that they didn't have to put up with a werewolf for a son anymore. Would they do a whole funeral for me? Maybe no one would even realise I was gone.
I took in a huge breath and was about to jump when someone said my name.
"Remus!"
"Shit," I muttered. I'd been caught. I clutched the sides of the windows and turned around to see Lily Evans looking at me, her green eyes wide and filled with tears. She walked over to me, shaking, and grabbed my arm, pulling me away from the window.
"How could you… why would you…?"
"Come on, let's just go," I said through gritted teeth. I didn't want to explain. I didn't even think about why she might have been there; I was too selfish.
We walked back to the common room together, and Lily tried to get answers out of me, but I ignored her, feeling awkward and awful… she didn't know… it was hard to believe that not everyone at Hogwarts was feeling the crushing guilt I constantly felt. It was hard to remember I was the only student who was doing the killing, not the fighting or the dying. There was no one who would understand…
I got to my dormitory and lay there, awake for hours on end, just thinking about what had happened that night. What if Lily hadn't been there? Would I have jumped? Or would nerve had gotten the better of me? Was I going to kill someone else? I pondered over it all night.
The next morning, we came into the Great Hall. There were pancakes for breakfast, but no one was eating it. Did the teachers expect us all to just move on so fast? For us to just pretend everything was fine? Lily seemed to be trying to get my attention from across the table, but I ignored her.
"It's OK, Remus," Sirius said, squeezing my shoulder. "Try to eat something."
"You too," I said, twirling my fork around my fingers.
"Feel good about yourself, now?" Peter said. It took me a hot second to realise he was talking to me.
I looked up from my food finally and glared at him. "I feel great about myself, thanks for asking," I snapped sarcastically. How did he expect me to react?
"Lay off, Peter," said Sirius, a warning tone in his voice.
"I could literally expose you to everyone right now… tell them what you did," Peter sneered.
"PETER! SHUT. UP." Sirius raised his voice, causing several heads to turn. "What're you all staring at, you bunch of prats?"
"Students," Dumbledore spoke calmly despite the overall bad mood of the hall. "May we pay a tribute to all our fallen friends now."
He stood up at lit the tip of his wand, silently holding it high above his head. He was closely followed by Professor McGonagall and the rest of the teachers, then the students. I lit and lifted my own wand, but felt as if I didn't deserve to mourn.
"Out of a hundred and thirty-two deaths recorded, most of those deaths were students in fifth, sixth, and seventh years. They fought bravely along with the teachers, but unfortunately many of them lost their lives. All the teachers have survived, however our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lancaster, is in a critical state at St Mungo's after being attacked by a werewolf. Due to… certain side effects, we have decided it is best to find a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."
White hot rage seared through my body, pulsating through my veins. They fired her because she became a werewolf? I could have strangled every single teacher up there. I'd always known it was hard for werewolves to find jobs, but I thought Dumbledore was better than that, especially after he'd let me come to Hogwarts. But clearly, he wouldn't let a werewolf teach. For just a moment, the grief and the guilt and the anger was replaced with determination. I would become a teacher. I had to. It was something I'd been sort of interested in for a while, but now I knew I had to prove everyone wrong. And if that meant I had to work ten times as hard as anyone else, then so be it.
But my sudden determination was taken over by the crushing guilt once again, and I sat silently, listening to Dumbledore say the long list of names, wincing every time I even slightly recognised one.
"We give our condolences to the friends and families of all who were killed or are missing," Dumbledore continued. "To help you all recover, classes will be cancelled for a week."
Usually there would have been big cheer from this announcement, but most people just grunted. Two girls sitting next to me were sobbing. One of them was a Gryffindor first year called Mary Macdonald, and the other was a girl in my year from Hufflepuff called Amy Stebbins.
"Alright. Well, enjoy your breakfast."
"This is bullshit," James snapped, as owls started flooding in, more than usual, as parents were demanding answers. I'd gotten one from my parents:
Dear Remus,
We heard what happened at Hogwarts, and we believe you were among the werewolves. If you want to come home for a bit to talk, feel free. We love you, and please don't blame yourself for what's happened. It's not your fault.
From Mum and Dad
I put my hands on my lap under the table and took in a deep breath. I wanted my parents more than anything, so I quickly flipped the letter over to respond, then sent it.
"I don't want to sit next to a mass murderer," Peter whined. He stood up and marched away. I tried not to be hurt. He had a valid reason.
"Don't listen to him, Remus. He just doesn't understand." Sirius sighed, "Neither do I, I guess. Sorry."
"It's fine," I said, looking down at my pancakes for the last time, before deciding it was better to just leave it, and just hide in my bed until I could go home. So, I stood up, and began to briskly walk towards the exit of the Great Hall, when Dumbledore interrupted me.
"Remus," he said. "Can I get a word with you in my office?"
I didn't respond. I just followed him to his office absent-mindedly.
"Sit, please," he said, gesturing to a chair across from his desk. It seemed like an interview. I hesitantly sat down, and he smiled. How was he smiling? "Would you like a drink? Tea? Coffee? Oh, I suppose you're too young for coffee… pumpkin juice?"
"I'm fine, thanks."
He nodded with a smile. "How are you going?"
"I'm fine." A lie, but what was I supposed to do? Pour my heart out to some old man?
"I understand you were with the werewolves last night," he said. "And you were responsible for the deaths of several students."
Oh really? I thought, sarcastically. Hadn't noticed.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's OK, Remus," he said calmly. His calmness was almost infuriating. "You just need to be more careful. But… I assume this must have been quite a terrible experience for you… I meant to talk to you back in summer when Miss Blanchet died, but I didn't get the chance."
"I'm fine, sir," I said, putting on a smile. I really didn't feel like getting a lecture.
"If you're sure," he said, "you may go to your common room."
I travelled by Floo powder from Professor McGonagall's office to my own home the next morning. Dumbledore had said I was to be back by the next morning, but twenty-four hours was enough. I came into the living room to find my parents there waiting for me and fell into their arms. I felt so sorry for Sirius, who didn't have this privilege, who, if something was wrong, couldn't just be embraced by the love and support of parents.
The visit home may not have been long, but it just gave me some time to calm down. I could cry shamelessly, even if I did seem like a spoilt brat or a small child. And my parents believed, if there was a good reason, it was OK to cry.
Soon enough, I had to return to Hogwarts, and though I may have still been feeling horrible, but my twenty-four hours with my parents made me feel slightly better.
The best way to heal grief was time. February came along, and with it the snow around the castle began to melt, and so did the all-round grief of everyone. It was still there, but other things seemed to grow around it. Out of the several people who were missing, five of them had been confirmed dead, and sixteen had been found, thankfully. Lily had been missing, having been stuck under the floor, and when she was found in early February, she hugged everyone in the entire year, including James, whose face turned bright pink.
On the afternoon of the February full moon, Sirius insisted he'd walk me to the Shrieking Shack, as it would be my first moon since the attack on Hogwarts. We walked into the shack, and Sirius looked around in disgust.
"Er, welcome to the shack," I shrugged, trying not to show my distress. He had to leave.
"This is… horrible," Sirius said.
"Better than nothing." I shrugged again. "Alright. Ummm, see you tomorrow."
"Can I stay a little longer?" Sirius ran his hands through his hair then put them in the pockets of his leather jacket.
"You really should be going," I said, my voice breaking. "I will transform in just a minute."
"How about I stay?" he said, smiling brightly.
"Sirius, this isn't funny," I sighed, "you need to leave now."
I felt a wave of nausea as my legs started shaking.
"I want to be able to understand," he said, sitting down. "Can you bite me, Remus?"
My legs gave way. "What the hell? You can't be serious!"
"I am Sirius." He was smiling at me calmly.
I tried to walk towards him to push him out of the shack, but my legs just didn't let me. I was transforming and Sirius wasn't leaving, he was just staring at me.
"You don't need to be alone," he said. What was wrong with him?
"You're completely insane. Get out now," I said, feeling the familiar pain of transformation come through every inch of my body, every bone and organ seemed to be against me as the wolf slowly took over. Sirius was now kneeling over me as I struggled to not scream out.
"I'm in this with you," he said, wiping a tear that leaked from my eye from the pain. I wanted to hit his hand away, then make him fly away. I went through this every month, but it felt horrible having someone watch me struggle. It made me remember how weak I was.
"Sirius, I swear to god…" my words were cut off as my snout started to grow. The final part of transformation.
Once I'd transformed my thoughts changed from worry to kill, kill, kill.
As soon as I saw Sirius I charged. He closed his eyes, but then the door of the shack swung open and someone grabbed Sirius, dragged him out, then slammed the door shut.
I tried to bash down the door but couldn't. I could smell the two people just outside the shack, arguing intently. My anger caused me to scratch a massive gash over my chest. My anger continued all night, until I finally changed back in the morning, gasping in air desperately.
The whole astronomy tower scene was to be realistic