Chapter 22; I know I'm not my thoughts but my thoughts don't know that yet, running from something that I can't really explain

Laurel

Laurel wasn't sure what she thought about her mom and Thea's idea of Sara coming over for tea after she and her mom were done with their shopping trip. There had been a reason why she had mostly avoided both Oliver and Sara while she had been at their place. She hadn't been sure what she would do or say if she saw them. She hadn't had said much when Oliver had told her about her sister's pregnancy. She had been in too much of a shock at that moment. Everything had sunken in for a while now and she hadn't known... She hadn't known what she would do, what she would say to Oliver if she saw him, even less her sister.

So, she had avoided them.

Part of her felt horrible about that. And her thoughts and her inability to face them. But she didn't know how. Didn't know how she would react. She remembered how she had reacted the last time they had dropped a bomb on her, well not intentionally but still… that dinner after Sara had first come back home was still a vivid memory, just like her reaction to the revelation that Sara and Oliver had hooked up again.

And part of her was scared, scared that she would react as badly as she had back then again.

Even though Thea and her mom had ensured her, after she had confessed her fear to Ollie's baby sister and her mother last night after dinner once her dad had left, that it had probably been the alcohol and the pills that had led to her extreme and violent reaction. She wasn't sure that blaming it on her addiction wasn't just an easy excuse. She had been angry at them long before she had sought comfort and an escape in alcohol and drugs.

She had been so angry at them and the fact that she hadn't given herself permission to be angry at them for their actions because they had died, not having an outlet for those negative feelings, had led to her letting her anger fester. Until Oliver had come back home and she had let it out on him. There had been no addiction then, and she had been harsh and cruel to him. Not considering what he must have gone through or how he must be feeling. And then Sara had come back, and she had been so mad at her. She had always been angrier at Sara than Oliver. She was her sister, for crying out loud. Why would she betray her like that? Why would her own sister hurt her like that? So, yes, she had given voice to her anger as soon as the object of it had come back into her life. So, was it fair to blame her actions towards Sara when she first came back on her addiction, while she had a similar reaction to Oliver reappearing while being stone cold sober?

What if that would happen again? What if it was just part of who she was? What if she would explode at them now too? That was the last thing they needed. The last thing she wanted to do, but still she felt like she needed to give voice to her thoughts, to her feelings. To try and get rid of her anger. And her pain before they would fester again.

And yet she couldn't get her mother's words out of her head:

'Your feelings are never wrong and you are allowed and should feel however you do. All I'm saying is that you should think long and hard about whether giving voice to those feelings in front of your sister and Oliver is a smart choice. Sara is already feeling incredibly guilty and believes that you will hate her for this. I'm just trying to help you separate the past from the present.'

Was she being selfish? Was the fact that there was a huge part of her that wanted Sara to know how she was feeling selfish? She knew now was not the right time for that, but she still felt like Sara should know, eventually, how much she was hurting right now. Was that because she wanted to clear the air and be honest with her sister? To make sure that those feelings wouldn't fester again and lead to another huge argument and more discord between them? Or was is some selfish need for revenge? Trying to make her sister hurt as much as she had made her hurt all those years ago? Was it some sick form of payback? Her mom had told her Sara was already feeling horrible and guilty about it, so was there really any reason for her to tell her how she was feeling and making her sister feel even worse?

Laurel wasn't sure how she was feeling about the whole messed up situation and how she wanted to proceed. So, she was hoping that she wouldn't accidentally say something she didn't mean to say right now. Which was why she really wasn't sure if having Sara over was a good idea.

But there was nothing she could do about that anymore now. She had barely finished that line of thought when the doorbell rang and signaled her mother's and sister's arrival. Maybe Sara had decided not to come?

She could hear Thea open the door and greet both women. So much for that last simmer of hope. Laurel took a deep breath and told herself that she could do this. It was just Sara. Sara, who she had missed so much during the months that she had been away. Sara who she had risked everything for to get her back. It was just her baby sister whom she loved so dearly. It was fine, everything was going to be fine, she was going to be fine. She straightened her shoulders, put a smile on her face and walked towards the voices to greet her family.

Her mom didn't hesitate to draw her into a tight hug and kiss her cheek, squeezing her shoulder encouragingly before letting her go and slightly shoving her towards her younger sister, who was still standing in the doorway looking unsure, uncomfortable and about ready to bolt.

Laurel's eyes strayed from her sister's face to her obviously pregnant stomach. Her pregnant stomach that was easy to detect even through one of Oliver's dress shirts, which was huge on Sara's slight frame.

And she could feel a pang in her heart. The whole image her sister presented looked so domestic, pretty much the only thing that was missing was a huge rock on her left hand to round it off. Sara represented in this very moment everything Laurel had wanted for the majority of her life. And it was almost impossible for her to disconnect the way it appeared in her head and give room to the reality of the situation. All she could see was her pregnant baby sister wearing a shirt belonging to her baby daddy, a man Laurel had spent nearly a decade dreaming about and believing she would marry.

She knew she should shift her eyes away from Sara's stomach, knew that this was not a smart move on her part, that she was making this a lot more awkward than it would be otherwise. She knew that this was not what she was supposed to do, that it wasn't helping the situation at all but it wasn't until Sara moved one of her hands protectively onto her stomach before she could pry her eyes away from the place where her niece or nephew were growing, the place where her ex-boyfriend's child was living, inside her sister.

Sara's move jolted Laurel from her thoughts and she looked back up into her sister's face, feeling as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, doing something forbidden. She was sure she looked mortified.

Her little sister was nibbling on her lower lip, shifting nervously from foot to foot and avoiding her eyes entirely. Still standing in the doorway. Looking as uncomfortable as she felt. Laurel's eyes strayed back to her pregnant belly for a moment and then back up to her face.

"Do you mind if… Laurel… I… Look, I'll leave if you want me to, I promise, just… can I use your bathroom first? I'd seriously appreciate it. A lot." Laurel was taken by surprise when Sara suddenly spoke up. Even more by her words. Those were not at all what she had expected. She was confused for a moment until she realized what Sara had said.

"Oh, of course, go ahead." She waved her sister in while her brain was making all the connections to the spoken words and her behavior. Sara had been shifting from foot to foot, not something she usually did, not in nervousness as she had first assumed but as a common sign for someone who had to pee, add the pregnant belly and her hand on it softly stroking back and forth and the current issue was not hard to figure out.

It also reminded Laurel of the day Oliver and Sara had first come home, given the similarity of the situation. They'd known. Both Oliver and Sara had already known about her pregnancy then. That was why Oliver had seemed so uneasy when Sara had left his sight. Why he had asked her if she was okay when she had returned. It had been a subtle way for him to ask whether she had had to throw up, Laurel now realized.

"Laurel, are you okay?" Thea put her hand on her arm, looking at her concernedly.

"What? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I think." She smiled at her roommate, about to say more when Sara returned from the bathroom. It had only taken Laurel a minute to make a choice.

She had asked her sister to stay and have tea and some cake with them.

It had been awkward, to say the least. Her mom and Thea had upheld most of the conversation, and Sara had excused herself after about an hour.

She had looked exhausted. And she had also seemed a little off, staring worriedly into space a lot, her eyes straying to a picture of Ollie and Tommy on her side table regularly. She had also noticed Sara stroking her stomach from time to time. She hoped everything was okay.

That Sara was okay.

And the baby, too.

Dinah

Dinah quietly walked into Sara and Oliver's apartment. Wondering about the silence that she was greeted with. Not that either of those two were known to make a lot of noise, at least lately. She could vividly remember times past when the noise level was always very high when those two were in the same room, there was usually a lot of laughter and playful arguments, loud music and louder discussions, and them being quiet had meant one thing and one thing only, they were probably scheming. Planning something that would surely get them in a lot of trouble, if they got caught…

But that had been before…

Maybe they were on the roof. Sara did like a magnificent view and the one from the roof was breathtaking. You could almost see the entire city. It wasn't difficult for Dinah to see why they had chosen this apartment. The view alone was a huge selling point, not even considering the very spacious interior of the actual living area.

She took the shopping bags to the kitchen to remove all the tags from the new clothes so she could put them in the laundry and throw a load into the washing machine. Just to make sure that Sara had no excuse not to wear them. Dinah had to shake her head, thinking about her younger daughter's reluctance to get new clothes. She couldn't understand it and she knew there was probably some underlying psychological issue with it she wasn't able to see at the moment, and Sara refused to share with her. But that was fine. They got her some new clothes that would fit and that had been the goal for today's trip. But maybe… Maybe her friend Sharon could help Sara… and Oliver too. She'd have to call her tomorrow and ask her. And of course talk to both Sara and Oliver and see how receptive they were to her idea. But she really felt that talking to a professional might help them both tremendously and could lead to both of their mental states improving to the point where they might change their minds concerning the fate of their child. Hopefully. She really didn't want to lose another family member, and neither did Quentin.

She scooped the clothes up into her arms and walked towards the bathroom where they kept their laundry basket and the washing machine. It was only on her way back to the kitchen that she noticed Oliver's bedroom door standing wide open, which was unusual, he normally kept it shut, unless he was inside, but even then, it was usually only slightly open and not fully. She quietly and carefully walked towards it and peeked her head in.

The sight that presented her made her smile softly.

Oliver and Sara were asleep on his bed, her back towards his chest, his bicep used as a pillow by her daughter, and the hand from that arm was interlocked with one of hers. His other arm was tightly wrapped around her and she was pretty sure the hand under the sheet was placed on her daughter's pregnant stomach.

They made such a beautiful couple.

Dinah's eyes strayed around the room for a moment, taking it all in. The sparse furniture that fit Oliver even though it was a far cry from what he was used to and grew up with. The handful of pictures with his family and Tommy, Laurel and Sara including one that had Quentin and her on it too and even one of Raisa, and the mess of what appeared to be hastily discarded clothes on the floor next to the bed that did not fit the neatly kept room at all, and she once again noticed the old photograph of Oliver and Sara, from their trip to Yosemite National Park the summer before Sara started High School, with her daughter's handwritten message to Oliver on it:

'My life has more meaning and is so much better because you are in it, Ollie.'

Her eyes lingered on the photograph for a while, recalling the moment she had taken it all those years ago, before returning to the pair on the bed once more. Committing the scene to her memory and then turning around and leaving the room again. Pulling the door slightly closed, but leaving it ajar. It hadn't taken her long to figure out that both Sara and Oliver kept their bedroom doors closed unless they were inside the room. Their bedroom doors were always ajar when they were inside, even at night when they were asleep. At least Dinah assumed they both had that habit, it might simply be only one of them, she couldn't say for sure, they've always shared a room and a bed while she has been staying with them so far. This was the first occasion that they had changed the room and bed actually, they've stayed in Sara's until today. Part of her wondered if the two of them sharing a room and a bed was simply because of Sara's breakdown and Caitlin having stayed over and in Oliver's room, or if they've already mostly shared their sleeping space and bed before… both parties were very insistent that they were just friends and not a couple. Contrary to their behavior…

She had to shake her head and grin once she was back on her way to the kitchen.

Just friends, her ass.

'There's nothing going on between Ollie and me, mom. It was just one time.'

Yeah, right. It was pretty obvious to her what had been going on, even if she hadn't noticed the haphazardly strewn clothes on the floor next to the bed. It hadn't been difficult to make out their naked states under the thin sheets… Not that she had a problem with their actions. For one, they were two adults who could do whatever they wanted, two it wasn't as if Sara could get anymore pregnant and three it wasn't any of her business either way. As long as they were both on the same page, even if that page currently seemed to be friends with benefits… at least according to them.

Those two were so unbelievably stubborn and in some serious state of denial.

She just wished those two would figure it out and come to their senses. It was plain to see for everyone with eyes and that included blind people.

Oliver loved Sara.

Sara loved Oliver.

And they were just perfect for each other. They were so alike and yet different enough that they complimented each other in all the right places. They had a way of reaching the other when no one else could. They've always had had that. Even back when they were young kids. It had only solidified once Sara had started High School, and all four of the kids had gone to the same school again, for one last year. Well, the signs had already been there the summer right before, during the month-long trip that she and Quentin had taken with all five kids, because Oliver had been 'grounded' for hot-wiring Malcolm's car for the fourth time in not quite as many months, well at least Robert and Moira's definition of grounded, which meant that they didn't take him with them on their business trip to Asia, so they were going to leave him at home with poor Raisa. Malcolm had been unbelievable mad at Tommy too so, they had decided to see if they could convince both the elder Queens and Malcolm to let them take the boys with them on the trip they had planned with their girls, just to get Tommy away from Malcolm and his unhealthy temper. When little Thea had found out that she wouldn't spend the summer with her beloved big brother for the first time ever, she threw one hell of a fit which led to Moira asking them if they would mind bringing the youngest child with them too. They of course didn't. One more or less didn't really matter anymore either. Quentin came to regret their decision less than three days in. Losing his temper after Oliver, Tommy and Sara had managed to get themselves into a lot of trouble at a gas station. Which led to Thea crying because of Quentin's angry yelling and Laurel berating her little sister for going along with the boys, which in turn led to Sara attacking her and Dinah being the one prying her younger daughter from her older one once again.

The memories of that summer made her chuckle. It had been fun, wild, crazy; the kids had definitely been a handful and Sara and the boys got in plenty of trouble, Thea sometimes too, just because she wanted to do whatever the older three did and followed them around constantly. Even Laurel got dragged into some of their shenanigans on more than one occasion. It had been a wonderful summer. Neither she nor Quentin would've ever expected the terrifying turn the school year ended up taking during that summer.

Dinah had to admit she had been taken completely by surprise when Oliver had confessed, almost a year later, after Moira forced him to, that Sara had an eating disorder. And the fact that Oliver had been the only person who had noticed it to begin with and then went ahead and confronted Sara about it and tried to help her had been a shock, she had to admit. She hadn't expected that from the eighteen-year-old. And she would forever be grateful to him for that. For always looking out for her baby and doing whatever he could to help her with her struggles. She didn't think there were words that could express how grateful she was to him and how much his actions and his selfless devotion and care for her younger daughter meant to her.

She wished she knew what she could do to make him see and understand that she would be forever in his debt for everything he had ever done for her baby. Past and present and she was sure future.

Dinah went through the cabinets and the fridge to see what she could make for dinner. Letting her day pass through her mind again during the task.

The shopping trip with Sara had actually been really nice, except for her daughter's reluctance to go ahead and buy anything. But other than that. She had really enjoyed spending some quality time with her younger daughter, for the first time in years. They've had some great conversations and Sara had shared some stories from her trip with Oliver. And Dinah had also learnt that it had been Sara's idea. That she had suggested to Oliver that maybe he just needed some time away from home, put some space between himself and everything that was going on in his life. Her daughter had just shortly touched the major events in the young man's life that had led to his choice to leave. Learning that he had a son which she had already known from Laurel and several conversations with her older daughter that had sprung from that revelation. His fiancé walking out on him, literally because of his choice of keeping his son safe, Felicity, who was at the front door earlier.

"I hope their conversation turns out okay, I know Ollie was worried about facing her and being alone with her. He was not yet ready to do that and is not in the right state of mind or emotional state for that confrontation, to be honest." Sara had seemed anxious about her roommate, and Dinah was sure it was one reason she was rather distracted the whole time.

She had also asked her daughter if she and Oliver were okay. There seemed to have been a lot of tension between those two before they left. The only thing that had sort of broken the tension, or paused whatever issue they had been facing silently had been when, what she now knew was Oliver's ex-fiancé, had shown up at their doorstep unannounced. Dinah was glad to know that they would put their issues aside to comfort or back up the other if need be. And she was pretty certain, given the scene she had encountered in Oliver's bedroom, that they had solved whatever issue that had been bothering and put some slight discord between them. The only thing Sara had told her was that they had an argument last night and Oliver wasn't too happy with her at the moment, and he was in the right. And she didn't feel like talking about it. Dinah had accepted and respected that. Letting her know that she was always willing to offer her an open ear, should she change her mind. Sara had smiled at her and thanked her for the offer.

She had also noticed how Sara's glance would sometimes stray and focus on baby clothes or women with small children, particularly little girls. But she never said anything to her daughter, pretending she didn't notice her behavior. Dinah knew that the subject of her grandbaby was a complicated one and she didn't want to say something that might sway Sara back to her original stance of giving the baby up, if she might actually be wavering when it came to the decision she had made originally. There was nothing Dinah wanted more than to be a part in her grandbaby's life. But she knew that the choice wasn't hers and that it wasn't her place to try to sway Sara and Oliver in the direction she wanted them to go. She also knew how Sara's mind worked and the more you pushed her in one direction, even more so if it was the opposite one than she was leaning towards, she would just push back and use every argument towards that side as a confirmation as to why she should not be doing that and she was right to do the opposite. It was a delicate matter and a subject she was not ready to broach again this soon after their last talk and Sara's explanation as to why they chose to go this route.

Besides, their choice made sense. She could understand their stance. Their arguments were hard to dismiss because there was so much truth and value in them. And their choice was one made from love. It was very obvious that both Sara and Oliver loved their child immeasurably and unconditionally. They loved that baby so much that they were willing to let it go, to give them what they perceived as the best possible life. You couldn't argue with that. You couldn't tell them they were wrong. That the way they loved their child was the wrong one. There was no such thing as loving someone the wrong way.

Dinah had to admit that her and Thea's idea to make Laurel and Sara spend time together might have been a bad idea. But she had just been tired of Laurel's rather childish, in her opinion, behavior even more so after she had tried to talk to her older daughter again the night before, while staying with her. So had Thea. They both understood that the situation was difficult on Laurel and that they hurt her. No one had any difficulty understanding that and expected her not to feel this way.

But…

Her entire "I just can't face them right now, mom" attitude was a little bit overdramatic if you asked her, and again, Thea seemed to agree. Yes, Oliver and Sara had hurt Laurel a lot in the past. And Dinah was aware of the fact that her daughters had never actually done anything to address or properly solve that issue or just talked it out. Neither did Oliver and Laurel. Dinah was sure that what Laurel needed was closure and that getting it and some long overdue answers would probably change some of the feelings she was currently having.

She had tried to address the matter and once again explain the current situation to her older daughter and she felt like Laurel was listening and understanding what she was saying. Dinah could also understand where Laurel was coming from when she said that she was afraid how she would react if she came face to face with either Sara or Ollie, even more both of them. So, okay, avoiding them to let it all sink in might have been a good idea. But she seriously doubted that Laurel would react as badly as she was afraid of. The last time she and Sara had had a confrontation that went horribly wrong, Laurel had been drunk. And she had been sober for over two years now. The fact alone that she was worried about how she may act was proof enough to Dinah to know that Laurel would not act the way she was afraid to.

So, enough was enough, and that was how she and Thea had ended up with their little plan to get the two sisters in the same room together, after Laurel had gone to bed. Just to make her see that she could be in the same room with her younger sister with nothing bad happening. And that would hopefully lead to those two finally talking all of their issues out sometime soon.

It had not gone according to plan at all. Her daughters had barely spoken to each other and Sara had excused herself as soon as she felt appropriate. Telling them that she was tired and needed to lay down. There was no arguing with that. So, they let her go without any discussion.

Dinah was still hoping that Laurel and Sara would eventually sit down and clear the air. It was long overdue and would solve a lot of their current issues.

She was ripped from her thoughts when she turned around to pick some of the ingredients from the table and saw Oliver standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Oliver. I didn't wake you, did I?"