Chapter 31

Little me Please forgive me I couldn't see You hurting inside

Laurel

Laurel looked at her sister sitting on the couch across from her and wondered if this was a good idea. She knew she was the one who had asked for this. This had been her idea. It had taken her almost another month after the Dominators had trapped her, Oliver, Thea, Dig and Ray in the reality they had created just for them, to get up the courage to confront Sara alone, in her and Oliver's kitchen, during one of their weekly lunches, to ask for this meeting.

Part of her hadn't expected Sara to agree. Had actually hoped she wouldn't.

Even less to ask her to come by whenever it was convenient for her. And that Ollie would leave to give them privacy. It had taken her yet another week to gather the courage to finally get to her current situation. She had unexpectedly been able to leave work early today and had figured this was her chance. So, she had gone straight to her sister's place after leaving the District Attorney's office. Oliver had been the one to answer the door, unsurprisingly.

Laurel wondered for a moment if there was more to it than chivalry on the male's part. She couldn't recall Sara answering the door once since they've moved back more than two months ago. Was it a safety percussion?

Oliver had been the perfect host as usual, asking her if he could get her something to drink and eat, how her day was and just small talking while ushering her inside and to the living room. He got her the coffee she had asked for and also brought a pot and another cup and some biscuits along. He let her know Sara would be here shortly and excused himself. She could hear hushed voices for a moment and then the front door just as her sister stepped into the living room.

They proceeded with some small talk while Sara got comfortable on the couch across from her. They had been sitting in silence for a while now. The blonde had slowly been drinking her tea, looking deep in thought.

Laurel suddenly wondered if maybe it would've been better if Oliver had stayed. Facing both of them together might have been easier… Or maybe not.

Maybe she shouldn't do this at all and just leave the past in the past.

Laurel was still contemplating her decision and wondering if she should just tell Sara that she changed her mind when her sister started talking.

"Look, Laurel, I… we… neither Ollie nor I ever meant to hurt you. And believe me, I know how that sounds coming from me and after everything we've done to you… but you have to believe me, the last thing we ever meant to do was hurt you. We never planned for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on as long as it did." Sara looked so earnest and remorseful while telling her this. And yes, it was hard to believe that hurting her had never been their intention, and the last thing they've ever meant to do. What did they think would happen? How did they think it would end? They couldn't actually have thought that there was any way this would play out without her getting hurt? Could they?

Her sister paused for a moment, almost as if she were waiting for something. Laurel looked up from her coffee just to end up trapped in the very intense blue eyes of her baby sister, who started talking again as soon as she had caught her gaze.

"I swear I'll tell you everything you want to know, I'll answer all of your questions, just… I just need you to… please just promise me you won't get mad at Ollie, you can hate me, I'm actually pretty sure that you will and that's fine, I deserve it but please don't hate Ollie. He needs you. They both do." Laurel listened intently to her sister's words and was surprised when she asked her not to hate Oliver and watched her taken aback when Sara put a hand on her pregnant stomach, telling her that both Oliver and their baby would need her.

She had been surprised at first when she learnt that Oliver decided to keep the baby and raise it by himself, given the fact that Sara had not changed her mind and still refused to be a part of its life. Something Laurel just couldn't understand, even less now that Oliver was going to raise the baby. Oliver's choice would've surprised her under normal circumstances, at least after everything she had learnt since both Oliver and Sara had come home, but even more so given Oliver's choice when it came to William. And his decision to give up his son in order to give him a normal life and protect him. She wondered what had changed Oliver's mind and why he decided to give up one child, yet keep the other… but he wasn't talking and neither was Sara.

She was shortly taken back to three years ago when Sara had told her the same thing, right before she left with Nyssa to rejoin the League.

"Oliver needs you."

She wasn't sure if she could make that promise or keep it if she did. Just like she wasn't sure anymore that she really wanted to have this conversation and learn the truth about Sara and Oliver's affair all those years ago.

"Sara, I get what you're trying to do, and I can't, I can't promise you I won't be mad at Oliver. But what I can promise you is that it won't change the fact that I will be there for him and for your baby. This is the best I can do, the best I can offer you." She decided honesty was the best approach on her end too. Sara was willing to explain the reasons that had led to her betrayal all those years ago. It was the least she could do in return.

"Okay, that's fair. Thank you." Her sister gave her a grateful half smile.

The words "We never meat for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on for as long as it did" were stuck in her head. Was she talking about their on and off sort of relationship during the last five years or the actual affair? And if it was the affair Sara was talking about, did she really want to know? Did she really want to know just how long it had been going on? She wasn't sure anymore.

"The first time we kissed was the night Ollie got arrested for his DUI. We had sex for the first time six weeks later. We were very drunk, and Ollie bailed in the morning before I woke up. We avoided each other for weeks after that." Laurel felt as if her sister had just punched her in the face. She did not expect her to just come out with it like this. She didn't know how she had expected Sara to tell her, but not like this. She didn't know what she had expected, but not for her sister to just state harsh, cold facts.

"After that, it ended up being something we'd end up doing whenever we were drunk and at the same party or club. It wasn't… it was just drunken hook-ups… it didn't really mean… it was just sex… at least until… I don't know… my nineteenth birthday, I guess… maybe. At least that was the first time we were both stone cold sober when we slept together." Sara stopped again, looking deep in thought, contemplating something. Maybe reliving old memories?

Laurel felt overwhelmed about all the information her sister was providing her with in a very short amount of time. She was trying to process it all while her mind automatically started to do the math… counting… it had started when Oliver got his DUI, Sara had still been in High School when he got his DUI… she had started her second year of college right before they went on the Gambit together… her nineteenth birthday… one and a half years…

Sara and Oliver had been screwing behind her back for almost one and a half years.

She couldn't believe it. How had she not seen it? How hadn't anyone seen it? So, for about nine months it was "just drunken sex"? And then what had it been for the other nine months? Laurel wasn't sure she could handle any more than she had already learnt, but Sara seemed determined to come clean.

Almost as if she were in a confessional and Laurel was the preacher, forced to listen to everything she was sharing in order to decide whether or not she could be absolved of her sins.

"From that moment on, things changed. He'd show up at my college or take me away for a couple of days, we'd hang out… just do things couples would do, sort of, I guess… I mean I was never… going to fancy dinners and stuff like that was never my thing so we never did those type of things… but still… he'd take me to places he knew I liked…" Laurel suddenly felt sick to her stomach. There were so many moments, situations that sprung to her mind now… moments when she should've known what was going on. She should've known… at the very least during that last conversation she's had with her sister before… before Sara ran away with Oliver.

"Who are you texting?"

"No one."

"Did you meet a boy at school?"

"Cut it out. Boys at school are lame. Hey, how's everything with you and Oliver?"

"Great. We decided to start looking at apartments together. I know it's a big step, but... We're ready. I think we'll live together for a year, engaged for another, and then..."

"Mrs. Laurel Queen."

"Maybe one day. "

"This is kind of assuming that he's ever ready to settle down."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, we both know at least ten girls that he's slept with."

"Can't you just be happy for me? I mean, if you met some amazing guy who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, I would be so supportive, and so happy for you…"

"Ok, Laurel, I wasn't trying to be a bitch."

"The title of your autobiography."

"I'm going to get some sleep."

There had been more moments like that before, before this one. Just two days before Sara boarded the Gambit with Oliver. She got up from the couch and took a couple of steps away from her sister… she couldn't… she couldn't bear to look at her right now.

How could she do this to her? How could she have made such a fool out of her on top of everything? Why… she should've never asked. Not knowing… not knowing had been better.

"Ollie loved you, Laurel. There's no question about that. There never was. Don't ever doubt that. Look… the first time we kissed was shortly after Samantha had told him she lost the baby. I didn't know what was going on at the time, he wouldn't tell me, but I knew, I knew something was going on, that something was wrong, so I dropped in on him like once a day to make sure he was okay. You were away at college and really busy. The night we kissed… look, I was stupid. I got myself in a dangerous situation and Ollie helped me, I guess it had scared him… I'm still not sure who made the first move, but we avoided each other for weeks after… until Tommy decided he was fed up with our behavior and insisted the three of us hang out and we didn't really have a choice, you know how Tommy could get…" Sara paused for a moment and a small, sad smile graced her lips while she was remembering their dead friend, her hand slowly stroking her pregnant stomach, before she took a deep breath and refocused on their conversation.

Probably also thinking about how Tommy should be here, be here to meet Oliver's child. To be the fun uncle and probably godfather to their child. Tommy had been like a brother to both Oliver and Sara. Laurel had to blink back some tears, remembering her lost love, being shortly reminded of the Dominators' reality, in which Tommy had been the godfather of Oliver's child. A world in which he had been alive and an important part of all of their lives.

"We were so damn wasted that night… I don't know how we ended up screwing, the night is still very hazy and there are a lot of blanks in it. Ollie bailed the next morning, and I woke up alone… I… It… We avoided each other again until we unintentionally ended up at the same party. Ollie was as high as a fucking kite, I swear, and I was very drunk… the two of you had just gotten into another fight and Robert and Moira were pressuring him about colleges again…" Sara paused again in her explanation, taking another deep breath.

"Ollie loved you Laurel, so very much, he wouldn't have stayed with you for four years if he hadn't. Look, I don't feel comfortable talking about Ollie's reasons, not before he got the chance to explain them to you first. I'd gladly provide you with the answers I have that he wouldn't give you after… if he's alright with it." Sara took a sip of her tea, leant back into the couch, closed her eyes for a moment while slowly breathing in and out again as if she were preparing for the next part.

Laurel was still trying to process everything she's learnt so far, still standing and with a lot of distance between her and Sara. Getting worried about what might come next given her sister's actions.

"As for my reasons… it was Ollie. I never… I never thought I'd have a shot with him, not after the two of you got together, while I was grounded after you called the cops on us to break up Tommy's party." Laurel winced when her sister reminded her of her childish actions all those years ago. She wasn't proud of what she had done. Part of the reason had been because Sara had only been 16 years old, and should not have been at that party to begin with. But she had to admit another bigger part of her hadn't wanted her baby sister anywhere near Ollie. They had been spending a lot of time together and Sara got him in a way she herself never had. The two blondes just clicked, they always had, almost from the first moment they've met. They hit it off like fire and gasoline. So, she had been worried after she learnt that Sara had a crush on him that maybe he'd go for Sara too… she should've never called the cops on them.

"So, when he actually showed me attention in more than the usual friendly way, I was just… I don't know… I felt it was only fair, I guess… after you got together with him despite knowing how I felt about him. You didn't care about my feelings back then, so why should I care about yours now? Right? Except I did care. Believe me, I did, and I felt so bad and guilty, but I've never…" her sister paused again, biting her lip and closing her eyes again.

What she had done had been wrong and selfish and something she regretted. Looking at her sister now, Laurel knew that if she could take it back, she would.

"No one's ever made me feel the way Ollie did." Sara swallowed hard after this revelation. And Laurel suspected that her sister had never shared this with anyone before.

"Like I was the only one in the room, the only one that mattered. His first priority. He already had you and you were perfect, and everyone always expected me to be more like you. Tried to turn me into you because you were so damn perfect. You were great at school, you never got into any trouble, you were perfectly poised and styled for any social event and you blended right in. And I could never measure up to that. I could never be as good as you, as perfect as you. And Ollie had you. He had perfect you, and yet, he still wanted imperfect, messed up me. For the first time, you weren't enough for someone. For the first time in my life, someone wanted me despite already having you. I wasn't the one who was lacking, who wasn't enough." Sara was staring into the room, as if she were seeing something only she could. Her voice was slightly hoarse. Yet, there was a small smile that grazed her lips, only for the duration for the next sentence, but still, it had been there.

"Ollie would tell me I was perfect. He made me feel like I was enough whenever we were together I felt like I was all he wanted. I wasn't obviously. He was still with you too, but he always made me feel like he wanted me for me. The whole messed up package. He knew me. He knew me like no one else did. He knew all of my issues, my flaws, my problems, he knew how seriously fucked up I was, and he didn't care. He didn't want me, despite all of it. He wanted me because of it, because I understood how messed up he was. I mean, Jesus, after Samantha, after he thought she lost the baby, he seriously over did the drugs. It went from something he sometimes did at parties to becoming a pretty regular thing for a while. Again, I didn't know what was going on at the time. Except that he was hurting and trying to escape from something. He was trying to escape in alcohol and drugs and I in alcohol… and we somehow ended up trying to escape in each other. Finding the same kind of relief and escape that the alcohol or drugs would create, it was almost as if we were each other's sanctuary. During the time we spent together we could forget everything that wasn't in that moment. That wasn't the other and us together. All of our problems they'd disappear for those stolen moments that we were alone in." Sara stopped talking after that revelation. One of her hands was on her pregnant stomach, softly stroking it. She was pushing her hair back with the other before slightly bending forward in order to get her cup of tea. She took a couple of sips before putting it down again and shifting on the couch, stretching her back, the hand that had held the tea cup went behind her to press against her lower back, there was a moment when pain flickered across her face before it was replaced with the neutral mask that her sister had worn for the majority of the duration of their talk.

Laurel was still rooted to the same spot. She almost felt like a statue. She was still processing and mulling over some of the things her sister had revealed. To be honest, she was floored by what her sister had told her. This was not what she had expected. It wasn't at all what she had expected.

"He seriously overdid the drugs…" She couldn't get that sentence out of her head. She hadn't known. She had noticed that something was going on with Oliver, but she hadn't known just how bad it was… she had never thought… she hadn't been aware how bad it was… she had been so focused on school and rarely been home… and when she had been home she hadn't… Oliver hadn't… how had she not seen how bad things were with him? She should've noticed, she should've known…

Laurel was still watching her sister while contemplating what she had said. Her mind was a mess, filtering out snippets of the conversation and moving from one to the next, barely giving her time to focus on one for any lengthy period of time.

"… He had perfect you and yet, he still wanted imperfect, messed up me… For the first time in my life someone wanted me despite already having you…" She hadn't been aware that Sara had felt that way. That she had felt that she wasn't enough, that she should be more like her. Laurel remembered being jealous of Sara and her carefree, easy-going nature. Of the fact that she felt comfortable in any situation, the way Ollie and Tommy treated her, the way she hung out with the boys, got their jokes and behavior while she didn't. She used to be jealous of Sara and that gorgeous smile of hers that drew anyone in and the way people gravitated towards her younger sister. How easy it had seemed for her to meet people.

She would've never thought that Sara felt inadequate next to her.

"… we sought comfort in each other… no one's ever made me feel the way Ollie did… he told me I was perfect…" those words circled in her head. How had she not seen how much Sara was struggling, how much she was hurting? Maybe she had been wrong with her assumption… maybe Sara's eating disorder had had nothing to do with her looks, as she had first thought.

When Sara had started to get in a lot of trouble, she had thought her younger sister was just rebelling, acting out just because… or to get attention… she had never considered that maybe there was more to it than her sister just being difficult, like she had always been… maybe their parents had had their reasons to let Sara get away with as much as they had, maybe they had seen and noticed something that she hadn't.

Laurel suddenly remembered that everybody seemed to like Sara and yet, and yet, she'd never really had any close friends, besides Ollie and Tommy, even less female friends. Sara had always hung out more with boys than girls, she had always gotten along great with guys, which had led to a lot of girls starting rumors and talking shit about her and making up lies behind her back. Sara of course had found out about it pretty easily and Laurel guessed had decided to give them something to gossip and talk about. A lot of her female classmates had called her a slut and accused her of sleeping with their boyfriends, before it had been something Sara actually did. Most of Sara's female classmates had also been jealous of her friendship with both Oliver Queen and Thomas Merlyn and the fact that Ollie and Tommy had adored her. She guessed Sara had finally just decided that they were accusing her of it anyway, so she might as well do it and maybe also to get back at them?

Her sister had always just shrugged their behavior off, saying that it was just talk and that she had better things to do than worry about what people thought or said about her. Maybe it had bothered her more than she had let on. Maybe she should have noticed just how much her baby sister had suffered because of the way the other girls had treated her.

Sara just sat quietly on the couch, watching her and giving her all the time she needed to process the information overload her sister had dumped on her.

"Look, I know how it sounded. It's not an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did. I hurt you. My selfish actions led to so much pain for so many people, and there's no excuse for that. I'll never be able to make up for what I did. And I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it. But you deserved the truth, and that's what I gave you. Look, if there is anything else you want to know, just ask and I'll try to answer all your questions." Sara broke the silence after what felt like days to her.

Did she have any questions? She had millions of questions, but her mind was still a mess, and everything was muddled, and it was impossible for her to filter one question out of everything.

"Do you love him?"

Laurel was as shocked as Sara looked by her question. She hadn't meant to ask her that. She had wondered about it for years, sure, even more so since Oliver's very public declaration of love to her sister, which she had not returned, as far as she knew. On the contrary, actually, Laurel was certain that Sara had distanced herself from Oliver after… So, she had wondered about her sister's feelings towards their childhood friend, and the father of her unborn child.

Sara looked like a deer caught in headlights and Laurel was tempted to take the question back but… but something kept her from doing that. She needed to know.

"… I… Ollie's… Ollie's the most important person in my life. Ollie's… Ollie's always been there for me, no matter what… I… I don't know what I'd do without him… Ollie's… Ollie's my true north, my touchstone… I…" Laurel was rather annoyed about her sister's answer or lack thereof at first, believing she was intentionally avoiding answering it until she replayed the words in her mind and studied her sister's behavior. Sara had seriously struggled to answer her question. She had struggled to find the words and stumbled over her explanation. It was such a huge contrast to the rest of their conversation. Where she had been calm, collected.

Sara was sitting on the couch, her back was straight, both her hands were on her stomach now, her expressive blue eyes were huge and she was biting her lower lip. It was the combination of her sister's words and behavior that made Laurel realize Sara had in fact answered her question.

"Have you told him?" She couldn't stop herself from asking.

"What?" her sister's voice reminded her of the one she's had the night she had brought Oliver to their family dinner and she had correctly accused them of screwing again.

"That you love him. Have you told him you love him too?" The blonde was pointedly looking away from her while Laurel clarified her question.

"Laurel, look, it's complicated… Ollie… Ollie knows how important he is to me. What he means to me." She was fidgeting with her fingers now, studying them as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world.

"Maybe, well, probably. Even so, don't you think he's got the right to hear the actual words? Have you tell him how you feel?" She pushed further and realized the moment the words had left her mouth that she had pushed too far.

"It's getting late, I'm really tired. Why don't you take some time to let everything sink in and let me know if you have any more questions?" Sara got up from the couch and walked towards the entrance to the living room, unmistakably making sure that Laurel understood she had overstayed her welcome for today.

"Sara…" She began not sure what she was going to say.

"I'm exhausted, Laurel." Her sister interrupted her before she had the chance to figure out what she had meant to say.

She quietly walked passed her sister and turned around with the handle to the front door in her hand.

"Thank you, for telling me all of it." She walked out the door and closed it behind herself. Before sagging against it and taking a deep breath.

This had been intense and a lot to process.

Laurel slowly pushed herself away from the door and walked towards the elevator. She couldn't wait to get home and maybe take a hot bath to help her relax and process everything she had just learnt. About her sister. About Oliver. About their affair, and how it was a lot more complex than she had thought.

This conversation had not at all turned out the way she had expected it to.