Notes:

Just a little shout out to everyone who favorited this story or has commented! It means the world to me to know that people like this story and I really appreciate it!

Okay, so I struggled with this chapter a little and hope it makes sense and helps to understand Sara a bit better.

References to an eating disorder in this chapter.

You let me fall apart without letting go then you pick up the pieces and you make me whole

Sara

Sara sat down on the couch, after telling Ollie goodbye and small talking with her sister for a bit, trying to get comfortable after drinking some of her tea, buying herself some more time.

She had spent a lot of time mulling over and thinking about how she was going to have this conversation with Laurel. And how much of the truth she should really share. It would be easier to lie, it would almost be kinder to lie to her sister than tell her the whole truth. What difference would it make to omit some facts, to change the chain of events, to elude just how long she and Ollie had been sneaking around behind her back? She could easily keep some facts to herself, change the events to lessen the pain she was sure to cause her sister, and inform Ollie of the version of events she decided to share with her sister. She knew he would go along with whatever she chose to tell Laurel. He would support her decision to keep some things to herself and change others. No one would be the wiser. No one besides the two of them knew the truth.

The actual truth.

They were the only ones who knew how their affair came to be and for how long it had been going on. Only they knew the real purpose of their trip, the reason why he had asked her on the Gambit and the plans they had had. That was one aspect of the story that she was not going to share. And she knew that sharing that tidbit of information never even crossed Ollie's mind. Laurel didn't need to know that. Laurel would never know as far as both Ollie and she were concerned.

Letting Laurel know that Ollie and she had been involved in one way or another for almost two years seemed cruel. And would it really change anything? Would Laurel knowing the exact amount of time that they had been having an affair really make a difference? There was no need to actually share dates with her. She could easily tell the story without any dates or significant events that would lead to Laurel learning for just how long they've been betraying her.

But then again, this was about coming clean, starting over. A new beginning. Rebuilding her relationship with her older sister. Lying to her did not seem like a good way to start a new chapter in their relationship. Even if it would be kinder and spare Laurel some of the pain that she was bound to feel learning the truth about Ollie and her. Sara hated herself already, knowing the wounds that she would inflict on her sister.

But Laurel had asked for this.

She had asked for the truth, and Sara knew that she at least owed her sister that. Even if it would ruin their relationship for good, like a part of her was convinced it would.

She could recall everything vividly.

How her feelings towards Ollie had slowly changed during their trip to Yosemite National Park the summer before she started High School. How her heart suddenly skipped a beat, and she'd catch her breath whenever he had smiled at her or touched her, before speeding up. How special he had made her feel whenever he called her by the at the time new nickname Pretty Bird instead of the former Tweety Bird.

Or that afternoon that he had figured out that she was attracted to women too and how understanding, compassionate and simply amazing he had been. How he had somehow managed to make her feel as if it was the most normal thing in the world. How he hadn't cared at all. And simply taken the information in, accepted it as a part of who she was and moved on as if nothing significant had happened and it was just an afternoon like any other. She could've kissed him. She wasn't sure if he knew the impact his reaction or lack thereof had on her. Just how much his acceptance had meant to her. She had been struggling so much with the realization, and Ollie's reaction had lifted a heavy burden from her shoulders.

Not that she was going to share any of this with Laurel. It wasn't significant in what she was going to tell Laurel, well that wasn't true, it played a huge part in why Ollie was as important to her as he was, and she had fallen even more in love with him in that moment but that had been years before she and Ollie had gotten involved and she was not going to share this with anyone. It was no one's business.

Laurel had known how she felt about Ollie, she had been foolish enough to share her changing feelings towards one of her best friends with her sister during their road trip to Yosemite… she had needed to talk to someone to help her figure out what was going on with her. And she couldn't talk to Ollie about it, for obvious reasons, and she was sure that Tommy would've probably told Ollie, even if unintentionally while being drunk, but still, not a risk she was willing to take. And Thea had been too young to talk about those types of things with. And she couldn't talk to her parents about it. So the only person who had been left had been Laurel. She had trusted her. She had confided in her and Laurel eventually ended up sabotaging her, no more than that, using it against her.

There had been a part of Sara that hadn't been able to forgive her sister for what she had done. She had stolen Ollie from her. And she didn't necessarily mean as a boyfriend, but as her best friend. After Laurel and Ollie had gotten together, he had spent a lot of time with Laurel, time that he used to spend with her and Tommy. Sara had felt so alone. She had been grateful when she started High School, knowing that she was finally going to the same school as the boys again, even if only for one year. But it meant at least for that one year she would have some real friends to hang with at school.

Freshman year had been brutal. There had been so much going on with her, her changing feelings towards Ollie, the realization that she liked both boys and girls, the pressure of following in Laurel's footsteps and always being compared to her by her teachers, the hate she received from most of her female classmates because of her friendship with Ollie and Tommy and the bullying that came with being different than the other girls and the envy they felt because she was excellent at sports and got along great with guys, it had all been so overwhelming.

Having Ollie and Tommy at the same school had been the only good thing. They were amazing, and she owed them so much. But then Laurel got with Ollie and in a way took him from her. Tommy had been struggling too because Malcolm had given him hell for not focusing enough on school and his future and filled a lot of Tommy's free time with extracurricular activities Tommy could've cared less about but was forced to attend. The consequences of Tommy not showing up to them were not pretty at all.

So, Sara had ended up feeling utterly and completely alone.

Everything had just ended up being too much, the pressure from her parents and her teachers to be more like Laurel, the bullying from her peers and the absence of her two best friends on top of the heartbreak she was feeling because of Ollie being with Laurel and actually being subjected to their relationship regularly had led to her eating disorder. She had felt like she wasn't enough, nothing she did was good enough. That she couldn't compare to Laurel. That she would never be able to compete with her. She felt like she had no control over her life and everything was just spiraling out of hand and became too much. After Laurel had told their dad about Tommy's party and while she had been grounded and Ollie and Laurel had gotten together, they had spent a lot of time at their place being all over each other and gross and in love and Sara had spent weeks feeling like screaming. Screaming until her voice gave out and her throat was hoarse and she could scream no more. She had needed an outlet, something she could control, something to focus on, a physical manifestation of her pain. She still wasn't sure how her eating disorder had started, but it had given her relief and some of the control back that she had felt she had lost.

She had lost her sister and her best friend at the exact same time. Laurel had betrayed her. And yet she had been the one who got punished. She had been the one who had ended up grounded for a month. She had ended up losing her best friend while her sister got a boyfriend. It hadn't been fair, and it had hurt so much. But she had refused to let Laurel know just how much she had hurt her, how much her actions had cost her. Laurel didn't know what she had done, and as far as Sara was concerned, she never would.

She would never let her older sister know how her actions had nearly destroyed her.

She took one last sip of her tea before putting the cup back on the table and pushing those treacherous thoughts away. This wasn't the time for them. This wasn't the time for her pain. She looked up and searched her sister's eyes.

"Look, Laurel, I… we… neither Ollie nor I ever meant to hurt you. And believe me, I know how that sounds coming from me and after everything we've done to you… but you have to believe me, the last thing we ever meant to do was hurt you. We never planned for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on as long as it did." This was about what she had done to Laurel, not the other way around. And it was the truth. It had never been her intention to hurt Laurel. Not hurting her had been one of the main reasons why Ollie and she had kept their involvement a secret. Ollie had never been good at hiding his cheating, because he never actually cared enough to. The nameless, faceless women that had gotten into his pants had never mattered enough to him, not enough to learn their names and not enough to make a secret of his indiscretions. And why should he have? Laurel had always turned her eyes away and pretended what she heard wasn't true. Or took him back when she couldn't pretend because there was actual proof of his infidelity. So, Ollie didn't see the point in hiding what or better said who he was doing. Except for her. He had gone to great lengths to hide her. Well, for his standards anyway.

Part of it had been to not hurt Laurel. The bigger part had been because she wasn't nameless and faceless. It had been because she had mattered. She had mattered more than she should have.

"From that moment on, things changed. He'd show up at my college or take me away for a couple of days, we'd hang out… just do things couples would do, sort of, I guess… I mean I was never… going to fancy dinners and stuff like that was never my thing so we never did those type of things… but still… he'd take me to places he knew I liked…" This was hard. This was so much harder than she had thought it would be. Not just telling Laurel, but facing her past, dragging all of this out from the past, all the feelings, the guilt, the joy, the pain, the excitement, the love, the naivete and innocence. Being reminded of who she used to be. Who Ollie used to be. Being reminded of how simple life once was. How carefree and unburdened they had been. Not knowing what horror and pain lay ahead.

Tommy, why did she have to bring up Tommy? She would never be able to forgive herself for what had happened to the man who was the closest thing she's ever had to a brother. She would never be able to forgive herself for not being here. For not coming home the moment she heard that Ollie was alive, or at least, the moment she had heard about the Starling City vigilante, the man in the green hood. If only she would've gone home then, the League would've still hunted her, but maybe if she had been there, if she had helped Ollie, maybe Tommy would still be alive. Or she at least would've gotten to spend some time with him, with the man that he had become during the years Ollie and she had been gone. He should've been here. Tommy should've been here. He was supposed to be the godfather of Ollie's child. Ollie and her child should've known Tommy. She took a deep breath and pushed the thoughts about Tommy away. This wasn't the time to get lost in them.

It took her a moment to gather her thoughts and continue in her explanation. She didn't feel comfortable with this part of their conversation. She didn't like this part. She didn't like how she was laying herself bare in front of her sister. How she was revealing some of her most private thoughts and feelings to her. But it was the only way… the only way to answer Laurel's questions and hopefully move forward.

Sara sat in silence, watching Laurel after she had finished her explanation. Trying to gather her thoughts and get a hold of her emotions.

God, it hurt. It hurt so damn much. Being reminded of who she used to be. Of everything she had lost, everything that was taken from her. Of the life she could've had, if only she and Ollie would've made a different choice. Vegas instead of China.

"Look, I know how it sounded. It's not an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did. I hurt you. My selfish actions led to so much pain for so many people, and there's no excuse for that. I'll never be able to make up for what I did. And I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it. But you deserved the truth, and that's what I gave you. Look, if there is anything else you want to know, just ask and I'll try to answer all your questions." Sara broke the silence after she had gotten her bearings back.

"Do you love him?" Laurel's question took her completely by surprise. This was not what she had meant. This was not… how was she supposed to answer that question?

It was too personal, too private. It was an intrusion in her privacy she was not willing to grant. She was too raw because of everything she had just shared with her sister, everything she had already given her… she couldn't… she couldn't give her this too, not when she still wasn't willing to give Ollie the answer to that question.

"… I… Ollie's… Ollie's the most important person in my life. Ollie's… Ollie's always been there for me, no matter what… I… I don't know what I'd do without him… Ollie's… Ollie's my true north, my touchstone… I…" Yet her answer didn't seem to satisfy Laurel and she kept on pushing the matter.

Laurel was entitled to a lot of answers when it came to her and Ollie and their affair. But not this one. This was a question whose answer she was not entitled to. There was only one person who had the right to the answer to that question, and he had never asked. Had never demanded one. He had never expected a reply from her. Never pressed the matter or pressured her. He had never asked anything of her in return to his admission of love.

"It's getting late, I'm really tired. Why don't you take some time to let everything sink in and let me know if you have any more questions?" It was private, too private. And she couldn't… she just couldn't.

Sara dropped onto the couch, exhausted after her sister had finally left. She lay down and closed her eyes for a moment, giving herself permission to take a brief nap before dinner.

The first thing Sara noticed while waking up was the muscular chest that was acting as her pillow. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, breathing the familiar scent in, listening to the steady beating of his heart right under her ear. Trying to remember how exactly she had ended up in Ollie's bed and more importantly naked, something she had sworn to herself she wouldn't do anymore because there was no need to complicate things between them even further. And she had no intention of leading him on or giving him false hope. She wasn't going to stay. His choice to keep and raise their baby changed nothing.

Not for her.

The changes in Ollie, on the other hand, were obvious to anyone who knew him. Yet, Sara was the only one who had the privilege to watch them gradually progress during the last couple of weeks. Ever since he decided to keep the baby. To raise it by himself. Part of her was glad to know that it would be raised with love, care and devotion by its father. She knew that he would dote on it. It would have an amazing home. A family. The family it belonged to; Ollie, and Thea, Laurel and her dad… and her mom too.

She had watched Ollie read books with no one forcing him to, but out of his own free will, something she'd never thought she'd see. Watched him take out part of the wall in his bedroom in order to put in an archway that led to the small empty room next to his, which he was slowly but surely turning into a nursery. Watched Thea, Laurel and her dad help him excitedly. Listened to the four of them debating about names. Ollie would look at her from time to time, gauging her reaction, watching her for any sign on whatever matter they were discussing. He'd look at her and raise an eyebrow during the baby name debates. She wasn't sure if she had given him any clues or indications when it came to the different names. It didn't matter because she knew that whatever name he'd chose would be perfect for their child.

Always listening, watching, but never taking part in any of it. Always in the background. Because even though she was the one providing the baby a home right now, she wasn't a part of this. Couldn't be a part of this. She was too broken, too damaged. The baby deserved so much better than she could provide. It deserved Ollie and Thea and Laurel and her Dad and her Mom. Who were all bright and good and could love it and be happy and excited about it. They could give it joy and happiness, not sadness and despair.

She was death and pain.

Her hands were coated in blood and no amount of water could wash it away. Her weary hands would only taint it, wash its innocent skin and soul in red. She couldn't let the monsters under her skin touch the one good, innocent thing she's ever done.

She was grateful, knowing that their child would grow up with Ollie, being loved by him and cherished the way every child deserved to be by their parents. But still… she couldn't stay. Couldn't be a part of this… so it wouldn't be fair to keep whatever Ollie and she had been doing before Central City up. It would only hurt him even more once she left. After their baby was born.

It was the reason she had stayed away at night.

It had been hard. Every fiber of her being had urged her to seek him out when he came home after a long night out, protecting the people of their city. Making sure that he was fine. That he wasn't hurt, physically or emotionally. She always slept better once she heard him come home, knowing that he was safe for another day. Until he left again after she went to bed at night. And it would all start over again, her urge to beg him to stay, to not risk his life, or to crawl in his bed and wait for him there. She usually woke up every hour until she could hear the front door, him quietly putting his keys away and walking down the corridor, before going to the bathroom and then stopping outside of her bedroom for a moment, always contemplating before quietly walking in, pulling the comforter over her and kissing her forehead while softly putting one of his hands on her stomach. She never gave him any indication that she was awake. Part of her was sure he knew, yet his actions spoke against it.

She cherished those moments, lived for them.

A heavy burden was lifted from her shoulders every morning when she heard the familiar sounds of Ollie returning home. The mornings when he stayed out longer than usual were the worst. She would spend them in an extreme state of anxiety and near panic, scared, oh so scared that something had happened to him. That he wouldn't come home. That he had left her, left them… forever.

Last night after Laurel had come over to get answers had been one of those nights. He had left early to give them privacy and because of a robbery hadn't come back home before going out, as he usually did. It had robbed her of their evening ritual, robbed him of spending time with their child. And he hadn't been home at the usual time either. She had been terrified and unable to get Laurel's words out of her head.

"Do you love him?... Have you told him?... That you love him. Have you told him you love him too?... Maybe, well, probably. Even so, don't you think he's got the right to hear the actual words? Have you tell him how you feel?"

What if Laurel was right? What if Ollie didn't know how she felt? What if he died without ever knowing just how much he meant to her? Could she live with herself if that happened? Would she ever be able to face their little Hummingbird, knowing that she had never told their child's father how she felt? Just how much she loved him?

All of those things had led to her ending up in Ollie's bed. Naked.

This had not been planned, not at all. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do now. She knew that the smartest thing would be to get up, get dressed and get some breakfast and probably pretend like nothing had happened. They were good at that. But she just couldn't get herself to leave the comfort of Ollie's embrace. She had missed this; she had missed this so much.

This felt right.

Being here, being in Ollie's arms, just felt right. It would be so much easier if… if only it didn't feel this right. If his arms didn't feel like home. If she didn't love him so damn much.

She was still contemplating what she should do when the decision was taken from her by a small foot repeatedly kicking her bladder. She carefully detangled herself from Ollie's strong embrace, trying not to wake him in the process, and thought she had succeeded when a soft, sleepy and slightly confused voice halted her in her tracks.

"Where are you going?" The innocent question sounded accusing in her ears, even though she knew she was only imagining it because of her previous thoughts.

"Bathroom, baby's kicking my bladder. Go back to sleep, it's still very early." She softly answered before turning back around and grabbing Ollie's shirt that had somehow ended up on the nightstand, pulling it over her head.

"Come back to bed after?" She turned back towards him at the question, noticing the pleading note to his voice, she bit her lip but refrained from answering before turning away from him again and leaving the room rather hurriedly, ensuring that her child's current occupation would not lead to an embarrassing mess in its father's bedroom.

Sara walked out of the bathroom and stopped. Not sure what she should do. Should she go to her room and get some more sleep? Should she go to the kitchen and get some breakfast? Or should she go back to Ollie, like he asked her to? She wasn't sure. She stood in the doorway to the bathroom biting her lip and looking from her room to Ollie's and back. She was so engrossed in her internal debate that the soft voice startled her.

"Come back to bed, just for a little while. I'll make you breakfast later. Like you said, it's still very early." Ollie was leaning against the doorframe to his room. Looking forbidden and watching her with those expressive eyes of his, still looking sleepy, just like his voice sounded.

"Please, Sar, I just want to hold you." He added after she had stayed quiet and unmoving in her spot. She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice, the desperate plea hidden in it and the vulnerability he was showing. God, he was breaking her heart. How was she supposed to deny him when he looked at her like that, when he sounded like that? She wondered for a moment if maybe there was more to it, if maybe something had happened last night, if something had gone horribly wrong. And hoped that it hadn't.

"Okay." Her voice nearly broke just uttering that one word. She walked to him and let him wrap her in his muscular arms for a moment, breathing her in, before picking her up and walking them both back to his bed.

She snuggled into his side, hiding her face in that one spot between his neck and shoulder that it fit perfectly in and desperately tried to keep herself from crying, yet again. She could feel Ollie drawing her closer with the arm wrapped around her and his other hand lovingly stroking her stomach while he softly kissed her temple.

She could feel their baby react to the touch of Ollie's hand, recognizing it as their dad's. It was only Ollie that the baby reacted to in this way. Usually whenever she could feel the baby kick and someone else put their hand on her stomach to feel it, the baby would stop. But their child did the opposite when it was their father's touch. His little Hummingbird was a smart cookie, and Sara was sure he'd have his hands full with their baby and not just because it would be fifty percent her and fifty percent him, not a smart but a rather dangerous combination that screamed trouble. But simply because she felt the baby was a little imp and knew exactly what it was doing. She might be wrong, but she just had a feeling that it was doing some things on purpose. Like kick her repeatedly when she had guests until someone touched her stomach, then it would stop until they removed the hand only to start all over again… keeping it up for as long as the other party would play along… Sara had really started to feel like it was a game to her little one. A game that seemed to amuse it to no end.

Just like Ollie's touch and voice also seemed to have the same calming effect on their baby as they did on her. Not to say that there weren't moments when Ollie seemed to rile their child up, on purpose no less, sort of playing with their baby. Softly pushing back with a finger or two against whatever body part it was pressing against the front wall of its current home, usually talking to it while doing that.

Sara could've sworn that their child was reacting to the word Hummingbird. And recognizing that its father was talking about it whenever he mentioned Hummingbird. Speaking of their child, the movements had stopped, and she knew that the baby was probably asleep again.

She snuggled even more into him. They could talk about what happened over breakfast… in a couple of hours… it was still very early after all. Sara closed her eyes, letting the beating of his heart and the soft caresses of his hand lull her back to sleep.

Notes:

I really hope I did Sara justice and everything makes sense. I'm still working out pre-Gambit Sara and really hope my version of her is realistic.

Concerning the pregnancy and baby, I've never been pregnant and I'm going by other people's experiences and information from the internet. Let me know if I get something completely wrong. I do my best here.

Chapter title is from the song "Break in" by Halestorm.