CW: Internalised homophobia, and the death of a family member.

I'd just begun to doze off that night when someone pulled back the curtains of my four-poster.

"Psst." It was Sirius. "Remus? You awake?"

"Now I'm not," I murmured.

Sirius stifled a laugh. "I need to talk to you about your love life."

"I'm not James," I said, turning away from him. "I don't like anyone."

Of course, that wasn't true.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, wishing he'd either leave or talk about something else other than reminding me what a freak I was.

"Well, um, I… I know someone who fancies you… and they asked me to talk to you about it," he told me.

"What?" I said, sitting up now and looking at him. "Is this a joke?"

I'd always grown up knowing I'd never be able to have any romantic relationships. Due to my condition, I knew no one would ever like me, therefore I also knew Sirius must be joking. But then again, none of the girls knew what I was…

"I'm not joking, Remus," he said.

"Who is it, then?" I asked.

"I'm not allowed to say," he said. "Er, they just wanted me to let you know that someone was interested in you."

"Well, can you ask her to talk to me herself, then?" I said slowly.

"They're n- … yeah, OK," he said, fiddling his hands in his lap. "I dunno if they will. Sorry, um… I'll let you sleep."

"OK," I said, blushing. "Er, thanks for letting me know."

He left, closing the curtains once again, leaving me sitting there with the hope that he wasn't joking. Maybe I didn't like anyone other than Sirius, but it was still nice to know someone could somehow like me.

Although I wouldn't admit it out loud, Sirius's news stirred a lot more excitement in me than I'd expected. I'd begun trying to think who the person who fancied me could be. It obviously couldn't be Sirius, unfortunately, as I doubted he would have said any of that if it was him, plus the fact that he knew I was a werewolf.

It could be Lily. I hoped it wasn't, because I knew James was absolutely head over heels with her. I tried to think of the other girls in the year… Amelia Bones, Hestia Jones, Amy Stebbins… or maybe a second year? Or a fourth year?

I was thinking about this while sitting in my bed at around breakfast time that morning, alone in the dormitory. My thoughts were interrupted by the other three rushing into the room. One sniff and I could smell they were upset about something, so I drew my curtains to see what was happening.

James, Sirius, and Peter were all sitting on James's bed, James in the middle. He looked distraught. His face was pale, his eyes sad and he looked down at his lap.

"What happened?" I asked, feeling worried. Had something happened to his parents?

"Lily has a boyfriend," James said, glumly.

"Oh," I said, feeling slightly relieved. At least no one had died. But still, what was I meant to say about this? "Um, I'm really sorry."

"You sure you don't want us to kill him?" Sirius said.

"No." James looked up. "He makes her happy, so I'm happy."

"You don't seem happy," said Peter.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Davey Gudgeon," said James glumly. "Ravenclaw. I heard her talking about him with Dorcas in the common room just now. She sounded so happy, and she was smiling a lot. It… it's alright, though. As long as he's good to her, it's alright. I… I think I'll just take a nap."

We let him sleep and walked down to the Great Hall, and sure enough, there was Lily, snogging Davey Gudgeon in the corner of the massive dining hall.

I felt bad for James. Of course, Lily was free to snog whoever she wanted, but James was obviously hurt, even if he did try to brush it off. He didn't come out of the dormitory until lunchtime, when he simply just smiled and ate his meal, not looking over to where Lily was.

That rules out Lily for fancying me, then, I thought. Then, why am I thinking about myself now? One of my best friends is heartbroken, so I needed to be a good friend to him.

I opened my mouth to say something, but then decided it'd probably be best for me not to talk about it. Sirius seemed to have the same idea, as he went off talking about the Quidditch World Cup, which was supposedly on this July. I took this opportunity to go to the Owlery to send another hopeful owl to my parents. I asked, once again, if they were OK, and sent the owl off, sighing. I was past the worrying stage. I just felt depressed and was sure that there was no hope. James and Peter hadn't heard from their parents either and were feeling the same way. Now James was feeling even worse over Lily. Poor bloke.

During classes, none of us even talked to each other, and no one seemed happy except for the muggle-borns, who didn't have the stress that we with a magical parent or parents had, yet they did seem worried about everyone else.

"Even the muggles can tell something's going on," said James at breakfast on the last day of January. He didn't look up from the Daily Prophet, but there was a bead of sweat under the rim of his glasses. Then he lowered his voice and spoke directly to Sirius, Peter, and me. "What's the point of even trying anymore? For all we know, we could have no future."

"We will," said Sirius firmly. "As long as we all remain loyal to each other, we're all going to be fine."

An owl swooped by our table and a letter dropped in front of Peter, and he immediately turned the envelope around desperately.

"It's from my mum!" he breathed, tearing it open. We sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Peter broke down in tears. "No! No, no, no!"

"Peter!" James cried, putting his arm around Peter. "What…"

"My dad," Peter sobbed. "He's dead… my dad…"

Silence stirred for a while. None of us knew what to say, we didn't know what it was like to lose a parent. Sure, I'd lost my Pops, but I doubted that was anything like losing your dad.

"What happened…?" Sirius asked.

"Someone called Orion fucking Black," said Peter, his tears turning angry as he looked up at Sirius, "murdered him."

Sirius dropped his fork.

"I'm sorry," he said to Peter.

"Not your fault, just your stupid Dad," Peter snapped, clutching the seat. A few fifth years seemed to have been listening in, they stared across the table at us sympathetically.

"C'mon, let's go somewhere more private," said James, then led us through the school and to the library. Peter was obviously struggling; his muscles didn't seem to want to keep him up as the tears poured down his face and his legs trembled. It was hard to keep him on two feet.

"I hate Death Eaters," said Peter, taking a seat at the back of the library. "Every single one. And You Know Who."

Sirius took to cursing Death Eaters, the Dark Lord, and his father, and James went off saying it would all be fine (which was weird, coming from the guy who'd just been saying there was no point in trying anymore).

"Do you want me to get some chocolate?" I offered. Peter was silent, but James nodded on his behalf. I ran to the common room, grabbed all my chocolate from the dormitory, and then ran back toward the library.

"Mr. Lupin!" Professor McGonagall stopped me halfway, her face sharp. "Whatever are you doing running around… with chocolate!? Your classes are due to start soon!"

"I — Peter needs this," I said, deciding it would be better not to lie. "His father died."

"Oh," she said, standing stiffly, "Very well, then, give him my condolences…"

I smiled weakly at her, then sprinted the rest of the way to the library. When I got back, something was wrong. Peter was turned away from Sirius, his chin stuck up and his arms crossed, and Sirius was facing the opposite direction, looking down.

"Bloody hell, Remus, took your time," James said desperately, and he took all the chocolate and handed it out. He dropped his voice and spoke just to me, "Family stuff is happening now… Peter's angry at Sirius for his father's actions."

"Oh my god," I said, "seriously?"

Of course Peter would do that. Why would he do that? He must have been blinded by his grief. I didn't know what I was to say about it, though. Take Peter's side and support him through his grief, or defend Sirius from an angry and mourning Peter?