First of all:

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and called out the rude guest who reviewed the story. I appreciate it. Comments like that really hurt and can really drag me down. I have put hundreds of hours into plotting and writing this story and made sure that the pairing is obvious and even asked people to please not read if they don't like Canarrow or not comment. I don't understand people like that and why they would deliberately hurt someone simply because they disagree with the pairing in a story based on a TV show…I wish they would use that energy into writing a positive review for someone who writes Olicity stories, they could really make an Olicity writer's day by writing something nice, that would be a lot more productive then writing a negative comment to a Canarrow writer. Or use that energy to write their own Olicity fic…

Again, thank you to everyone who is reading and enjoying this story and the support you guys have given me, I really appreciate your kind words.

Okay, so my Christmas break is over which means work starts again tomorrow and I don't know how often I will get around to update, which is why I really wanted to get this chapter done today.

I hope you guys like it!

And I'm so, so sorry... please don't hate me!

Chapter 40

You're never gonna be alone! I won't let you fall, when all hope is gone I know that you can carry on I'll hold you 'till the hurt is gone

Dinah

Dinah knew that something had changed from the very first moment she had spotted Oliver, his height and bulk always made it easy for her to make him out him in the airport's crowd, and to her surprise Sara waiting for her at the airport in Star City, while she was standing in line to get through security. The simple fact alone that Sara had joined Oliver to come pick her up was saying something. Her baby had avoided crowded places if at all possible, until now. Their stance just underlined how tall and muscular Oliver was, and how small and slight Sara appeared next to him, even in her pregnant state. She looked very uncomfortable and her left hand was interlaced with Oliver's, while her right one was holding on to his bicep, her head resting against his shoulder. That was the second thing that took her by surprise and gave her the impression that something was very different between those two. There had been barely any physical contact between them during her last few stays, and they had seemed to deliberately keep their distance. They had even stayed in their own bedrooms at night, which had answered her question whether they both slept with their doors ajar, they did.

Both of them looked tired but less burdened somehow… almost as if a weight had been lifted from their shoulders. The aura of deep sadness that had surrounded Sara for the past months seemed to have almost disappeared completely. What had she missed? And what had let to that very welcoming change? And what exactly could it mean? She tried not to get her hopes up and just take everything one day at a time. That was all they could do. What she was given right now seemed to be her baby having a good day, and she was more than happy to enjoy it for as long as it may last.

And that was all that mattered. Her baby was having a good day.

Dinah took a moment just to watch them, and she was once again struck by just how beautiful a couple they made. Her grandbaby was going to be blessed with one hell of a gene pool. The decision to take some time to watch them led to her witnessing Oliver placing his left hand on her daughter's pregnant stomach while slightly bending his head to say something to Sara, smirking and Sara turning her head up towards him, playfully rolling her eyes and returning his smirk with one of her own. And for a short instance Dinah felt taken back in time, back to when Sara and Oliver were younger, before their ill-fated trip. The air of humor surrounding them screamed of times past. Easier times and she couldn't help but smile at them and praying that there would be more moments like this one. She was ripped from her thoughts by someone telling her to move and realized that she had almost missed her turn to walk passed security, being so engrossed with the couple waiting for her behind the glass wall.

Dinah walked towards the living room after settling in to the guest room and freshening up a little after her journey, when she caught part of what appeared to be a serious conversation between Sara and Oliver.

"Are you sure, Ollie? I just don't think it's a good idea. Are you sure you want to do this now?" her daughter sounded concerned and uncertain.

"Yeah, I am. Now's as good a time as any. I mean your mom's here and I'm sure the two of you have plenty to catch up on and figure out. And I meant to talk to Laurel this week anyway… just got a little sidetracked." Oliver's voice had been serious until the end, when an amused note joined in and he grinned and winked at her daughter, Sara rolled her eyes at him but returned his grin for a moment before turning serious again.

"Okay. I still don't like it and… I just don't want… there is still nothing I can do or say to change your mind, is there?" Sara sounded very unsure but resigned when she inquired this.

"No. No, there's not. I know that you're worried, Sara, and I understand where you're coming from and appreciate your concern… but this is something I need to do. And not just for Laurel and possibly myself, it might help me put away the guilt about causing her so much pain too…" Oliver's voice was soft, understanding but certain while he put one of his hands on Sara's upper arm in a gesture of comfort.

"You weren't the only one causing pain and Laurel wasn't the only one in pain, Ollie. All three of us were guilty of causing pain and all three of us where in pain." Sara put her hand on top of his, holding on to it. This was the first time Dinah had actually heard Sara and Oliver talk about their affair and causes of it, and she was surprised by her daughter's view on it and her insistence to absolve Oliver from his guilt and shifting some of the blame towards her older sister, which was an interesting turn, Sara had always taken the blame Laurel threw at her. She had never once implied that she hadn't been the one at fault or that Laurel might have had her part as a guilty party in this mess too. Not that Dinah had assumed Laurel was blameless. There was no such thing as a purely innocent victim in situations like this, or there very rarely were. It was just a surprise to hear Sara actually put some of the blame to Laurel, because it was the first time that she heard Sara blaming Laurel.

"I know, Pretty Bird, I know. But like I've told you before, it's not just because Laurel is demanding answers and I feel I owe them to her but because of Mila, I don't want there to be any resentment from Laurel towards us, and in turn towards our daughter. Our little Hummingbird deserves to grow up in a family without negative feelings towards each other. And I know you at least agree with me on that. And that is not possible without me talking to Laurel and explaining how things came to be the way they have." Huh, that was an interesting turn in conversation, for several reasons. Having their unborn child be the catalyst for their need to clean the air with Laurel was not really surprising. She had assumed the baby played into it, they've had five years to clean the air with Laurel and neither of them had made any attempt to and yes, she had sort of pushed all three towards this too, but she knew Sara and Oliver good enough that all her pushing and shoving wouldn't have made them talk to Laurel if they hadn't wanted to. She was glad that they chose to try and put the ten-year-old drama to rest. It was about damn time too. Way past it, if she were honest.

"You're right, Mila deserves to have a great, resentment free relationship with her aunty Laulau. I hate it when you make sense." Her daughter grumbled dejectedly.

"I know. Not sure how Laurel will feel about being aunty Laulau though, she was ecstatic when you finally dropped that nickname during her last year of Junior High, if I remember correctly." Oliver replied, grinning in amusement about her daughter's antics. Dinah had to grin too, remembering the numerous squabbles her daughters had had because of Sara's childhood nickname for her older sister.

"Well, she'll just have to deal with that. You know that Laulau came to be because I couldn't say Laurel, I'm pretty sure it won't be possible for Mila to say Laurel right away either." Sara raised her eyebrows and cocked her head while looking at him challengingly.

"While that is an excellent point, I don't think we should bring up aunty Laulau until after my conversation with her and however much time she'll need to digest it." Dinah had to agree with her grandchild's father. They might want to hold back on the whole aunty thing for a while.

"Deal. Just… just think about yourself while choosing what to tell her. Don't let her bully you into sharing events you don't want to. Don't let her rip all of those scars open. Promise me, Oliver." The sound of Sara's voice and the choice of her words pulled at Dinah's heartstrings. Sara was anxious about Oliver, about him talking to Laurel. Maybe it wasn't a good idea after all, if Sara didn't think so. No one knew Oliver better than her younger daughter, and if she was worried, there was probably a good reason to be. And her youngest daughter always meant business when she called Oliver by his full name.

"I promise." He bent down and kissed her softly on the lips, before repeating the action on her forehead and drawing her into his arms. Huh, another interesting turn of events. It appeared like a lot had changed since her last visit…

Dinah looked at them and smiled softly. Yes, things had definitely changed. The way they had talked about their baby, the way Sara hadn't shied away from the mentioning of her daughter. Their conversation strongly implied that they were going to raise their daughter together. Was that why Sara's air of sadness seemed to have been lifted? Had her baby decided to stay and raise her own baby with Oliver?

Hold on, did they just say…

"but because of Mila… Mila deserves to… Mila won't be able to…"

They had given their daughter a name. Her grandbaby finally had a name.

Mila.

And what a beautiful name they had chosen.

"So, I was thinking, how about a pot roast for dinner?" Dinah walked further into the living room, making her presence known and drawing their attention towards herself.

Dinah had to admit that spending the afternoon with Sara had been very enjoyable and her daughter had been in a better mood than she had seen her in years. She had caught her up on some of the things that had been going on in Star City and Oliver and her life and confirmed her suspicion that yes; she had decided to stay and raise her daughter with Oliver. And that Oliver had decided on a name a couple of days ago.

Mila Beatrice Queen

What a beautiful name, even more so once Sara explained the meaning of her daughter's name. She had showed her the nursery Oliver had finished, also just a few days ago.

"Isn't it just breathtakingly beautiful?" And she had to agree with her daughter whole heartedly. The nursery was amazing. She found it very hard to believe that Oliver had actually done this… by himself. She hadn't been aware that he could to… any of it to be honest. It was easy to see just how much care and love the father-to-be had put into his daughter's room. Oliver was such a good, sensitive man, with such a good heart. And he loved her daughter and their baby so much. She was so grateful to know that Sara and her grandb…Mila, Mila, were having him in their lives. She knew that there was nothing he wouldn't do for them, and that gave her a lot of comfort and made living so far away from her babies a little easier. Knowing that both Sara and Laurel had Oliver in their lives and that he was always taking care of them no matter what, even if they didn't want him to. It was such a relief to know that she could always count on him to look out for her family. There weren't a lot of men, a lot of people like Oliver out there. They were lucky to have him in their lives.

"Mom, would you like to… ahm… Ollie hasn't gotten around to get a car seat or stroller yet, given how busy he's been creating the nursery. Would you like to help me pick them out?" Dinah turned away from the wall with her granddaughter's name on it to look at Sara, who was biting her lip, a sign of insecurity and shyness that she's had ever since she had started first grade.

"Of course, baby. I would love to. If that's alright with Oliver?" She smiled at her daughter encouragingly.

"Yeah, it was Ollie's idea to have me pick them out. He figured since he picked everything for Mila's room…" Sara explained and ensured her.

"Okay then, do you want to stay here and order them online or would you like to look at them at an actual store?" Dinah didn't want to pressure her into going outside and forcing her to be around people if she didn't want to. She had already gone to the airport, which had been a tremendous step. She didn't want her baby to end up being overwhelmed.

"Actually, I think it would be nice to be able to look at them, in real. And you know, ask the salesperson the important questions concerning safety issues." Sara's answer surprised her, but she agreed with her daughter. Seeing the strollers and car seats did make it easier to decide which ones to buy. The pictures on the internet sometimes made it hard to know what they really looked like.

"Alright, baby, when do you want to go?" she wondered if they should go tomorrow, or maybe the day after?

"How about now? I'll just have to like go to the bathroom and grab my purse and cell phone. And write Ollie a note, in case he gets back from Laurel's before we're done." Sara was already on the way to do what she told her she would.

"That sounds great, honey, but shouldn't we wait until Oliver gets back? Strollers and car seats are expensive, you might want to take his credit card." Dinah was aware of the fact that Oliver was and had been paying for everything ever since they've come home. Sara wasn't working, hadn't been for years and yes, she did have a savings account but there was not a lot of money in it. For obvious reasons.

"Nah, that's okay. Why take Ollie's credit card when I can just use the one he gave me, which will not lead to me having to explain why I am trying to pay with Oliver Queen's credit card and ends up with me having to get him to verify that yes, I am allowed to use it." Sara explained while writing the note for Oliver. That surprised Dinah. She knew that Oliver didn't mind paying for Sara and letting her use his credit card, she had not been aware of the fact that he had made Sara her own card and with that given her access to his bank account. That was a tremendous show of trust.

Dinah went to grab her purse and get ready to leave. Looking forward to spending the afternoon with her daughter, buying things for her unborn daughter, just like expectant mothers did. Sara was going to be a mother. And this was a first step towards preparing for that and having her recent decision set. Yes, today was a good day.

It was while eating dinner with Sara that Dinah had to call defeat. The day had started out so well. She and Sara had had such a good time on their shopping trip and bought both a car seat and a stroller. In addition, some clothes and an infant sling, a little bathtub for the baby and some pacifiers and a lullaby pull musical toy that looked like a bird in its nest. They had bought more than expected, but Sara had seemed very excited and it had been infectious and they had gotten back to Sara's apartment later than expected. They had assumed Oliver would be home by now and her daughter had decided to go up and have him get everything from the car, the store clerks had helped them load everything in and Dinah was sure Oliver would get everything out and up to the apartment with little to no struggle and without breaking a sweat. While she would probably struggle slightly and Sara should no longer be carrying heavy stuff around. It made perfect sense to her.

Sara had gone up ahead while she had decided to take bring some of the smaller, less heavy stuff up with her. What had surprised her was the absence of Oliver at the apartment. Sara had been looking around the apartment for him or a sign that he had been back, which it didn't seem like he had. She could see her daughter checking her cell phone and probably texting him.

They put the items that she had brought up with her away in the nursery and start on dinner after everything was put away. Cooking with Sara had been enjoyable and reminded her of all the times her daughter used to help her in the kitchen when she was younger. But the more time that passed without a sign from Oliver, the more distracted and less talk active her baby became. Until Dinah finally gave up trying to distract her from her worrying during dinner when Sara's one syllable answers no longer even fit her questions.

She really hoped Oliver was okay and had a good explanation why he hadn't reached out to Sara to let her know what was going on and why he hadn't come home, like he had told her he would after his conversation with Laurel. Even more so because he knew how worried Sara had been about the whole thing. The two of them cleaned up the kitchen together in silence and Sara excused herself afterwards, getting ready for bed. Her daughter had sought her out again before going to bed, to make sure that she was fine and had everything she needed and to tell her goodnight. Dinah told Sara again that she was sure Oliver was alright, and something had just come up. Her youngest had just smiled sadly at her, kissed her on the cheek and wished her a goodnight.

She had watched her daughter leave her room, walk down the corridor and to her utter surprise, disappear in Oliver's room. Dinah sighed, sending a brief prayer that Oliver was indeed okay and just unable to let her daughter know why he hadn't contacted her yet, while getting into bed herself.

It still surprised her how fast things could change. How a perfectly lovely day could end on such a worrying note. Sara had seemed so happy and excited about becoming a mom while they were picking out stuff for Mila… and now this… could her baby ever just get a break and be happy for a change? Without something negative happening and dragging her back down?

Oliver

Oliver knew that he should've gone home after talking to Laurel. Or at least called Sara or texted, but... he had just needed some time to breathe. She had been right. His Pretty Bird had been right. Talking about the past, remembering… was harder than he had thought it would be. Just thinking about Sara and himself and who they used to be hurt more than he would've thought... but all those memories... thinking about Sara when they were younger meant thinking about Tommy and the thought of his best friend just gutted him.

Tommy should've been here. He should've been his best man at his wedding, even the impromptu, secret one he and Sara had had, especially at Sara and his wedding. And he would've been had he been alive. Tommy would've been the one person both he and Sara would've told about their wedding. Because there wasn't anything they wouldn't share with him, there had never been anything they hadn't shared with him, even their involvement to some degree…even if it had only been for those days during spring break.

The only secret he had ever kept from Tommy, except for Sara's eating disorder, which hadn't been his secret to tell, and Samantha's pregnancy had been his and Sara's affair and there had been reasons for that… He hadn't wanted to put Tommy in a position where he was also stuck between the two Lance sisters and he had to decide who's his loyalty was towards, that wouldn't have been fair to his best friend. And telling Tommy, talking to Tommy, admitting to anyone about his relationship with Sara would've made it real in a way he hadn't been ready for it to be. Had he told Tommy, he inevitably would've had to make a choice. And he hadn't been ready for that either. And it hadn't been… Tommy would've probably understood his dilemma. But there had been no way around telling Tommy that wouldn't have let to him having to decide. And he could not do that.

He looked at the name on the cold stone in front of him, as cold as the remains of the body buried beneath the frozen soil under it.

Remembering the day Tommy had confronted him about his and Sara's affair, shortly after he had returned home, and why they hadn't told him.

And Mila... Mila should've grown up knowing her uncle Tommy and not just through stories her parents would tell her. He was supposed to be the godfather of his and Sara's daughter. Tommy wasn't supposed to die. He should've been here. Fuck!

Oliver could feel his eyes dampen even with the anger coursing through his veins at the injustice of his brother's death.

Tommy should've been here.

He stared at the headstone in front of him.

In loving Memory of

Thomas Merlyn

1985-2013

Beloved Son.

What a joke. What a lie. Beloved son… beloved son… had Tommy been Malcolm's beloved son he would've never done what he did. Not to Tommy and not to Thea later on. If Tommy had truly been Malcolm's beloved son, he would still be here. There would be no headstone bearing the biggest lie of them all. Beloved son.

This was wrong. All of it was wrong. Tommy's death. His grave. His headstone.

Tommy's grave should've been next to Sara's. And Sara's old grave should've been next to Rebecca Merlyn's. And his mom's should've been close to theirs, too. They were family, all of them. They should've been resting together. They should've… fuck!

Oliver blinked his eyes furiously, trying to get rid of the dampness, when his cellphone rang.

Felicity.

That could only mean one thing. He slowly got up from his kneeling position, feeling the slight ache in his right knee from putting so much weight on it, while it was resting on the hard, frozen ground.

Oliver spared one more glance at the headstone, Thomas Merlyn… Beloved, before turning around and walking towards the entrance of the graveyard, pushing all of his emotions, his feelings and his anguish back to where it had come from, to focus on whatever issue the Green Arrow needed to take care of. It was only when he had stepped out of the cemetery gate and was on his way to his car, that he called Felicity back.

Oliver quietly opened the front door to his home and stepped inside, putting his keys on the small table in the entrance area, taking his jacket and shoes off. He then proceeded down the hall to the bathroom to get changed into his PJs and brush his teeth, all the while making sure to make as little noise as possible.

He stealthy walked into his bedroom so he wouldn't wake Sara up. The moment he stepped across the threshold made him realize that there had been no need for that. Sara sat in their bed, her back leaning against the headboard, the familiar sight of a multitude of pillows stacked around her. One hand was softly caressing her stomach, the other holding on to her cell phone.

"I'm sorry. I should've... I didn't mean to worry you." His eyes were trained on the cell phone in her hand and he felt like a heel, and his voice reflected the remorse he was feeling for his thoughtless action.

"I know." She replied flatly.

"I'm sorry." Sara just nodded her head, pursing her lips before sighing.

"Are you injured?" the tone of her voice was matter-of-fact, as you would expect from a doctor.

"No. No." his voice sounded hoarse to his own ears, and he repeated his answer, putting more force into it the second time. To make sure that she heard him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" her head was slightly chocked to the side now, and her eyes were studying him intently, while the tone of her voice hadn't changed and was still as clinical as before. But her posture made sure that he knew that she was willing and ready to listen, if he felt like sharing what it was that had kept him from getting in touch with her after his conversation with Laurel.

"No." he replied softly, but certainly. He really didn't feel like talking about it. It had been a long day. And all he wanted to do was crawl in bed with his wife and forget it had ever happened. Had it really been less than twenty-four-hours ago that they had been happily enjoying their newly wed status?

"Okay." Sara put her cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed, shifted forward a little, removed the pillows she didn't need to be more comfortable to sleep and laid down on her side her back facing towards his side of the bed, pulling the blanket over her body and closing her eyes.

Oliver sighed, staying in the spot he had been standing in during their entire exchange, just barely inside of their bedroom, a little longer. He looked at her for a moment before walking to his side of the bed and getting in, leaving some space in between them, because she was mad at him and she needed her space when she was mad. Part of him was surprised that she hadn't stayed in her own bed tonight. He wasn't sure if that hadn't been better, less painful. The distance between them was such a blatant contrast to how they had spent the last few nights and he felt like crying, because it was all his fault. He should've just texted or called her. He had had plenty of time between Laurel's place and Tommy's grave or on the way to the Bunker. Before or even after, he changed into his suit. Hell, even while in his suit, he had been just a few blocks from their home, while tracking down a lead concerning the disappearance of the Ghosts, he could've just dropped in real quick to let her know that he was okay. Keep her from spending the last ten hours worrying about him. He had fucked up majorly. He knew that.

Oliver was so wrapped up in his mind that it took him a moment to realize that Sara had reached behind her in search of his hand, held on to it once she found it, softly tugging on it, trying to pull him closer to her and erase the cold, empty space between them. The moment he realized what she was doing he followed her silent instructions and shifted closer until Sara could wrap the arm of the hand she was holding on to, around herself, she removed her hand from the iron grip he had unconsciously enfolded it in and he felt a pang, making a fist in order to keep from reaching out to hers again. Only to have her hand softly stroke the back of his for a moment, before opening his fist so she could move his open hand onto her rounded stomach, to the exact location where Mila was currently kicking at.

He closed his eyes, breathing her in gratefully and pulling her even closer, so that there was no more space left between her back and his chest. Whispering another broken "I'm sorry, Pretty Bird." He kissed the back of her head softly, lingering for a moment. Before laying his head down. Trying to get some sleep.

Yes, Sara was mad at him. But they would be okay. They were fine. They were going to be fine. She was just mad because she had been worrying about him for hours. And she had every right to be. He should've let her know, he should've texted her. It was just a conflict. They were going to be okay.

It took him a while until his sleeping wife's even breathing lulled him to sleep.

"Tommy!"

Oliver woke up with a start, shooting up in bed, his dead brother's name burning his throat. His heart was racing, and his shirt was sticking to his sweaty torso. He took in gulping breaths, trying to regulate his frantic breathing and slowing his pounding heart down. The soft touch on his thigh answered the question that had just crossed his mind if he had woken Sara up.

He closed his eyes, trying to relax, to push the images from his mind. Trying to focus on Sara's hand on his thigh, on her other hand that was softly caressing his arm now. It was only a dream; it had only been a dream. It had only been in his mind.

But exactly that was the problem.

He couldn't get the sight of Tommy buried underneath the rubble of CNRI's crumbling building out of his head. The rebar sticking out of his chest. The look on his brother's face… He dropped his head into his hands, trying to fight the rising misery he was feeling. Trying to keep the agony from spilling out of the heavily fortified strongbox he had pushed it into, but he was losing the battle and fast. He could feel the tears falling right when the first sob broke free from his lips, that first crack that led to the whole dam breaking, crumbling into a million pieces while the lake of long suppressed anguish, misery and despair flooded free, ripping the rest of the carefully built wall with it in its powerful path of destruction.

He felt Sara drawing him into her soothing embrace, one of her hands stroking his hair in a familiar show of love. He lifted his hands from his face in order to hold on to her body desperately, his face ending up buried in her chest, muffling the sound of his agonized sobs. God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. He felt like he was being ripped apart. He was clutching Sara tight, so tight that he was worried he was hurting her, and forced himself to slightly ease his hold on her and loosen his grasp a little. If he had hurt her, she wasn't letting on, still cradling him in her arms, softly rocking them back and forth, kissing the top of his head every so often.

Oliver wasn't sure how long they had stayed like this. How long he'd been crying when his tears finally dried out and his sobs subsided. He was still clinging to his wife, even after the storm of his emotions had passed and all he could feel was bone deep exhaustion. He could feel the lids of his eyes fall closed and his head grow heavy. Sara was still softly running her fingers through his hair and soothingly rubbing his back and shoulders. He needed to move. The position Sara had been in for what he was sure were hours couldn't be comfortable. He slowly lifted his head from her chest, raising his eyes to her face. Sara lifted her hands from his body and took his face into her hands, using her thumbs to wipe away the last of his tears, leaning forward to softly kiss his lips.

"I love you." Her words were whispered close to his lips still.

"I love you." He automatically replied. Letting her caress his cheeks before shifting back so he could lie back down, softly tugging her with him. Holding her tight once she had settled at his side. He was sure that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, but that didn't mean that Sara needed to stay awake too. She needed her sleep far more than he did. He kissed her crown and rubbed his hand up and down her side.

"Thank you." The words were whispered in her hair. He wasn't sure if she had heard him or if she was already back asleep.

"Always." Her softly spoken promise answered the question for him.

"Go back to sleep, Pretty Bird." Sara lifted her head for a moment, just long enough to stretch up and grace his lips with hers in a tender kiss, before placing it back on his chest, right above his heart and giving it a soft kiss too. He spent the rest of the night watching his wife sleep, trying to push the images in his head far away.

Sara

Sara was woken up by Ollie's tossing and turning. He was mumbling in his sleep too, but she couldn't make out the words. She could see the multitude of emotions that were crossing his face, awoken by the images his mind had conjured up to torment him with tonight. She bit her lip, contemplating whether she should try to wake him. He appeared to be in agony, given the look on his face. She wished she could've made out the words he had mumbled earlier. They could've given her a clue what he was remembering, which would've helped her decide whether or not she should wake him. She didn't want to risk startling him and have him go into attack mode because of feeling threatened. She wasn't in a position to avoid him, if he woke up attacking a presumed threat. And the last thing she wanted was to give him another event to feel guilty about. Ollie would tell her that waking him from a nightmare, from his own personal hell in his mind, wouldn't be worth risking Mila's and her wellbeing.

God, this was agony. Watching the man she loved suffer and not being able to help him. She could see the sheen of sweat covering his face and body, his shirt was clinging to his form and totally sweated through. She was praying for him to wake up. Wake up on his own. Because she couldn't stand it, she couldn't stand this. Her hands were balled into fists, which she had forcefully shoved under her thighs to keep herself from reaching out to him. She wasn't sure how much time had passed from the moment she had woken up until the moment Ollie shot up into a sitting position, calling for his dead best friend.

"Tommy!"

Sara closed her eyes in pain before placing one of her hands on his thigh to let him know that she was here, that he wasn't alone. That he was home with her. She slowly reached out and touched his arms, stroking it in a soothing pattern. All the while watching him, never taking her eyes from his hunched over form. The blonde bit her lips the moment the first sob tore from Ollie's lips and removed the hand on his thigh to place it on his shoulder and draw him to her, so she could wrap him into her arms. It didn't take him long to wrap his arms around her too, squeezing her tight, almost painfully so, for just a moment before he eased his grip on her slightly.

Tommy... the nightmare Ollie had had had been about Tommy. Sara closed her eyes in pain while clutching her husband closer. Her hand was still stroking his hair, while the other one was holding him close.

She had known that talking to Laurel, dredging up the past, would not be done without paying a price, that there would be consequences for Ollie, opening up that box, dragging out those skeletons. The question had just been which ones. If she'd had to have guessed she would've gone with William, Tommy wouldn't have been her first guess. Not that it didn't make sense. Ollie and Tommy used to do everything together, share everything.

Remembering their past meant remembering Tommy.

Tommy, god, she missed him so much and thinking about him hurt, she couldn't even imagine the pain Ollie must be feeling.

Thinking about Tommy also came with a lot of regrets and guilt... if only she would've come home sooner... maybe if she had come home when she first learnt that Ollie was alive, that he was the Hood, maybe Tommy would still be alive. Maybe she and Ollie could've stopped Malcolm together before he used the earthquake machine. Tommy would still be alive.

She should've been here.

She could feel the tide approaching, could feel how the dark wave of guilty despair was trying to pull her under, how the current of bottomless agony was trying to sweep her away.

She could feel Ollie's tears on her skin, soaking her shirt just as clearly as the treacherous liquid that was spilling from her own eyes. Sara stroked her husband's hair, holding on to him tightly while his body was being wrecked by the force of his sobs. She tried to get a hold of herself, tried to keep her tears from falling, desperately swimming against the current frantically trying to escape the waterfall of anguish, despair and endless guilt that was waiting to swallow her whole.

Ollie needed her.

She could feel Mila moving around, almost as if she knew… as if she were trying to get to her distraught, grieving daddy to comfort him too… fuck, Mila. She needed to get a hold of herself. For Ollie and for Mila. Stress was not good for their baby.

Ollie needed her to be strong. He needed her to fight those feelings. To swim to shore and escape the fast approaching waterfall of agony. She couldn't let herself fall down its steep drop and be pushed under in its pitch-black river bed by the water falling onto her. She needed to fight this.

Ollie needed her.

She owed him that. She owed him to be strong, to take care of him. To try to help ease the agony that the loss of his best friend, his brother, was still causing him. She knew that the hole that Tommy's absence in his life left, in both their lives, could never be filled... and it was all her fault.

She should've been here. She should've helped Ollie stop the Undertaking. She should've been here to help him save his brother.

Tommy shouldn't have died.

They stayed like this for hours, just holding each other close. It wasn't until Ollie's sobs had stopped that he lifted his head from her chest and looked at her. God, he looked so broken.

"I love you." She whispered the words close to his lips after she kissed him gently.

"I love you." His reply was followed by him shifting away from her and tugging her with him when he laid back down, settling her against his side, so her head could rest on his chest. It was one of the few positions Mila didn't complain in. She shifted a little around to get comfortable. The further along she got in the pregnancy, the more difficult it was to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

"Thank you." The almost inaudible words came when sleep was already trying to pull her under, and she had to fight the sweet temptation of just giving in and succumbing to it. But Ollie needed her.

"Always." She did manage to reply him even though she wasn't sure if she had really spoken the words, even less aloud she was just so tired.

"Go back to sleep, Pretty Bird." His whispered reply at least confirmed that she had actually spoken. She put up on last fight and lifted her head, shifted a little so she could reach his lips and softly kiss him goodnight, before resting her head back on his chest, right above his beating heart. She gave the spot right in the center of his heart a soft kiss and then closed her eyes and fell asleep almost instantly, being lulled to dreamland by the sound of his heart and his hand softly caressing her side.

Notes:

I told you, back to business as usual...I've mentioned that there is no magical cure right? They got a moment of reprieve. but it's one step forward two steps back. Just the sheer amount of trauma and surviver's guilt each of them have, makes it almost impossible to ever really work through. Let alone find a point where to start.
One person in a relationship with the amount of trauma that they have, makes it a very difficult situation. They both share the amount of trauma... some of the same losses and most of the same triggers. Having one trigger the other is very reasonable and doesn't help the situation. Tommy was very important to them and they both feel guilt over his death, albeit be it for slightly different reasons.

Well at least mama Lance is here...

Okay so, Sara's pissed at Oliver for not contacting her after his talk with Laurel and letting her know how he was, which led to her worrying about him and his mental state for hours but she's also not going to punish him with deprivation of love, being aware of the fact that he needs her and it's important that he knows, yes she's pissed about how he handled it but she still loves him and gets it to some degree. And that they were still in this together. It was just Ollie being Ollie and she had done the same thing to him in the past... I hope that came through the way I meant for it.
Oh and Sara only texted him like once or twice, she didn't want to stress him with countless texts or calls. She never called because he could've been in a position where the ringing of his cell phone could've led to his death...and again, she didn't want to add pressure if he was in a bad place and needed space and time.

Let me know your thoughts.

Chapter title is from the song "Never gonna be alone" by Nicklback.