A few content warnings:

- Internalised homophobia

- Negative thoughts

- Toxic masculinity

- Talk of suicide

- More swearing than usual

Stupid, so stupid.

I was having a hallucination, I must be. What had Sirius said? What, exactly, had he said?

I couldn't fully remember, because my head was spinning, and my vision was blurred. He'd said about thinking I'm cool, and that he fancied me, and then I'd gone into a complete blackout, and he'd left.

Why couldn't I have just said something? Told him I fancied him as well?

But what if it wasn't real? What if I was going crazy, what if I'd just imagined him saying that because that's what I'd wished he would say?

And he'd left. Why did he leave? Why was he apologising? Why couldn't I make any sense of this?

I had to rewind my thoughts, trying to think exactly how the scene had played out. I'd been in my bed, remembering an event in my childhood, then Sirius had been there, and he had started randomly complimenting me, then said he fancied me. And then he'd left, apologising.

It couldn't have been real. I must have fallen asleep and dreamt it. But it had felt so real.

What if it had been real? Did he actually fancy me? What was I meant to say now? Was I meant to talk to him about it? See if he brought it up again? Then what would happen? Would he become my boyfriend? I would like that, but how did that even happen? How did it develop to that?

But maybe he'd said it out of pity. Maybe he knew I fancied him and had just said that to make me happy. But why would someone want to go out of their way to make me happy? I was annoying, weird, unattractive, and a werewolf…

I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow, letting out a silent scream. What was I supposed to do?

I spent the rest of the afternoon hiding in the dormitory, like the coward I was, and when the others came in I pretended to sleep to avoid questions of why I was in bed all afternoon.

James asked the next morning, and I just said I'd been sick. I looked at Sirius, and he looked like he hadn't slept at all. We made eye contact for a second, and he just turned around and went to the bathroom.

OK, then… I thought. What does that mean?

Once we were all changed, we walked down to breakfast, Peter and James talking loudly, Sirius and I quietly walking behind them in awkward silence.

Just talk to him, I thought to myself, make small talk or something.

"Er, how are you this morning?"

Oh my god, Remus.

"Yeah, fine," said Sirius.

And we were silent. It wasn't like we were going to talk about it in front of James and Peter.

Sirius and I were alone that afternoon, however, when James had somehow managed to get Lily to help him with his Potions homework, and Peter had gone to the kitchens to collect food for a midnight feast that was to take place later that night.

So, while Sirius and I were alone in the dormitory, I was trying to work myself up to talking to him about what had happened yesterday. Eventually, I couldn't wait anymore, and I did.

"So, um, about yesterday…"

"Yeah, sorry about that… it was a dare," said Sirius casually, putting his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, dunno, James dared me to tell a guy I fancied him, dunno why, but yeah, did it, hope you don't mind it was you…"

"Oh." It was a dare? Did James know he was queer, then? I almost cried right there, but of course, I couldn't do that, so I just forced a smile. "Of course, it's fine."

"Cool."

"So, uh, does James know you're a queer…?" I asked.

"Um… well, Remus, I have a girlfriend, actually," said Sirius.

I'm sorry, what?

"Yeah, um… Marlene McKinnon."

What the fuck?

"Oh, er, that's nice…" I said. "Who else knows?"

"James and Peter, Lily, um, pretty much everyone," he said.

So, I was the last to know? And he wasn't even queer? He lied!?

"Right," I said. I could feel the tears coming, so I excused myself and went into the bathroom, and locked the door. I clutched my hand over my mouth, so my sobs would be silent.

See, this is what happens to freaks. Freaks like you. Did you actually think he was serious? Maybe he knew all along, and he just felt sorry for you. Maybe you're too feminine, maybe that's how he knew.

I sat down on the toilet lid as my crying became more and more hysterical. I was acting like a girl more and more. I wished I could just get myself together, but here I was, crying over a boy.

Would he have lied just to make me think I had a chance with him? Was I really that obvious? Why would he want me to think that he liked me if he liked Marlene? How long had they been together?

I must have been the only boy in the world to like another guy. Why couldn't I just be like everyone else? I was a werewolf, I was a murderer, I was a queer. Did Sirius just pity me for that? Is that why he lied?

It felt like an infinite loop of thoughts, and I had a headache, so I decided to take a really long shower. Fuck being masculine enough.

I spent a good three hours in the shower, and by the time I was out, I felt a lot better. I took my time drying myself, then took a sniff to find that Sirius, James, and Peter were in the dormitory.

"Hey, James!" I called out. "Could you bring my pyjamas please?"

"Yep!"

I opened the door slightly and stuck out my hand, and James soon placed my pyjamas in it.

"Thanks."

I got dressed, then went out into the dormitory and climbed onto my bed.

"What were you doing in there?" Peter asked. "Bloody long time."

"I was still feeling sick," I lied, easily. "I threw up then took a shower."

"Oh, seriously, that sucks," said Sirius. Did he know I was lying? "Will you be up for the midnight feast?"

"Well, Peter, you got chocolate, didn't you?" I asked. Peter nodded. "Well, of course, then."

After the midnight feast, when we were all going to sleep, James pulled back on my curtains and came in and sat next to me.

"So, vomiting?" he said, after pulling the curtains back. I nodded. "Why did the bathroom not smell like vomit, then?"

"I dunno…" I said.

James sighed. "You're hard to read, you know. But I'm pretty good at reading people. Like, in first-year, before we knew about your furry little problem. I could tell there was something wrong. Like, I knew you were hiding something. You've become better at lying over time, by the way, but um… I know you were going to jump off the astronomy tower back in second year, after the first attack on the school. And I know you were upset in the bathroom this afternoon. What's the matter, Remus?"

"Er, how did you know these things?" I asked.

"Well, the furry little problem was because you disappeared a lot, and the astronomy tower was because after the battle, I was on the toilet and I heard footsteps, and I went out of the bathroom to see you leave. I knew you obviously weren't doing well, y'know, after what happened, so I followed you just in case, and then I saw Lily there in the common room after you'd left, she was writing a note. She left the common room then, too, and I read what she'd been writing, and she was planning on going to the astronomy tower to jump because she couldn't bear the fact that Kate had died, and I panicked and went out to find her, and you, because I was really worried about both of you, and I shouted out for you, and then I was caught by McGonagall, and I was worried, and I couldn't speak properly, but then the next morning you were both there at breakfast, and you seemed to be acting the same as each other, and you made awkward eye contact with each other a few times, so I pieced it together that you'd both been up there for the same reason, and I never talked to you about it, I'm so sorry, I just didn't want to make it awkward…"

Lily was there because… Lily… I didn't think, I felt so bad now… I hadn't even asked if she was alright, I'd only thought about myself, and she'd saved my life. I'd need to apologise to her for that.

"So, um, what was up today?" James asked. "Spending hours in the bathroom?"

I took in a deep breath. He'd find out eventually. So, I told him everything.

When I was finished, James said, "OK, so the dare thing isn't true. And about Marlene, he… it's not really my story to tell but… alright, no one else knows this, but he's paying her."

"Paying her?" I repeated.

"To pretend to date him. So, Regulus sees, and Regulus can tell their parents and they won't set him up with someone other pureblood girl to marry. They'll just assume that he'll marry Marlene, but they're not really going to get married because well, Marlene likes someone else and Sirius likes you."

"He doesn't like me," I said. "It was a dare."

"It wasn't!" James hissed, "You said he said I dared him, right? Well, I didn't. I swear I didn't. I solemnly swear I didn't! I swear on my life, I swear on my parents' lives, I swear on Lily's life!"

"OK, OK, I believe you, but why would he say it was a dare?" I asked.

"To cover it up, because he thought you didn't like him back because you didn't bloody say anything!" he said.

"So… you think he likes me? And he's only pretending to like Marlene, and they both like different people?"

"Yes!" James cried. Thank god the curtains blocked out sound. "When are you going to realise that? Sirius is literally in love with you!"

"You really think so?"

"Yes, Remus. Get it through your thick skull, you oblivious idiot!"

"Alright, alright. What do I do now?"

"Tell him that you fancy him as well!" James exclaimed.

"I… how?"

"Sing a song, make a big show about it."

"I can't do anything public, remember."

"Oh, fuck that," said James, rolling his eyes. "Well, just talk to him then."

"Alright… I'll try…"

"I'm sorry, Evans, but could you speak English please?"

"Oh, Potter, read the textbook instead of asking me for once," said Lily. We were at the Hallowe'en feast (and unfortunately I would have to miss half the feast due to the full moon), meaning it had been three and a half weeks since my heartbreak with Sirius and chat with James, and since then, I'd seen Marlene and Sirius hold hands, hug, and kiss each other on the head. It was painful to watch, even if I knew they weren't really together.

And now James was trying to find an excuse to talk to Lily by asking her to help him with Potions.

"You know," said Sirius, his mouth full of sweets, "how about we make a potion out of these sweets. That would be a nice potion, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but it wouldn't have any effects on the drinker, other than perhaps sugar high," Lily laughed.

"But it'd taste good, hey," Sirius grinned.

"I think it would be too sweet," said Lily, "I already feel sick from them all separately, I can't imagine it all together."

"What we need is a good sleep to cure the sick," said James.

We all agreed silently, and the others stumbled to the common room, ready for an early bed, and I went to the Hospital Wing.

November came quickly, and so did Sirius's fifteenth birthday. Thankfully, there was a Hogsmeade visit the day before, meaning I could find him a present, but of course, I was overthinking it.

I knew I liked him, and according to James, he liked me, so this gift had to be good, or maybe he'd lose feelings for me. The only problem was that I had barely any money, and I was terrible at buying gifts. I looked at everything in Zonko's and eventually settled on a joke book. So unoriginal.

But the next day, on his birthday, when he opened it he seemed to like it and gave me a smile. God, I loved him.

James got him a cool present, though. It was a pair of two-way mirrors.

"So during the holidays if you need help you can easily contact me," said James. "Also, if we're put in different detentions…"

One thing really got me on edge that day, was when Marlene, his fake girlfriend, got him a broomstick. Well, she must have been rich by that point, because according to James, he paid her ten galleons a day. But it still made me feel bad.

I almost lost it the morning after Sirius's birthday. I came to the Great Hall to see them snogging. Maybe James was wrong. Maybe they actually were together. Sirius didn't fancy me. Why had I gotten my hopes up?

I sat down across from them and just looked down at my bacon. 'Marlene likes someone else, and Sirius likes you.'

Then why were they snogging?

But I had to try and not think about it. Instead, I focused on the extremely chewy piece of bacon that was currently in my mouth, but I kept looking up and just figuratively dying.

When I couldn't take it any longer, I got up to 'go to the toilet' and as soon as I was out of their sight I rushed to the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle.

Author's Note: Thank you all for your continuing support. I'd just like to let you know that my microsoft word has decided to delete half of what I've written for chapter 59, all of Chapter 60 and where I'm up to in chapter 61. So I have to rewrite it all based off what I can remember, so I apologise in advance if the next few chapters come out a bit later than expected, and please don't hate me!

Also on a completely unrelated note, I looked it up and the marauders are boomers!? I don't know why I find that so funny?! Anyway I apologise if the language is too modern, I am not a boomer.