CW: Internalised homophobia

Well, this feels familiar, doesn't it?

At least I'm not crying this time.

Not yet.

Two different voices inside my head had been arguing non-stop ever since I'd come into the bathroom. It was long past the time class was meant to start, but I found myself paralysed on the toilet lid.

I was acting so selfish. I hadn't even said anything to Sirius about his relationship, hadn't told him I was happy for him or anything. Amy Stebbins, who had a crush on him as well, had managed to say she was happy for him, for god's sake!

And here I was. Sitting dead still in the toilet, trying not to cry.

James was wrong. He was so, so wrong about Sirius. Sirius didn't like me. He liked Marlene. He snoggedMarlene. He loved Marlene.

I took in a deep shaky breath, trying to get myself together. It took a while, a while as in half an hour, but eventually, I managed to stand up and shakily walk out of the bathroom. I was so late for class.

I quickly checked my timetable, ran up to the dormitory to get my stuff, then ran back to the classroom I was supposed to be in. Thankfully, it was History of Magic, and Professor Binns didn't even notice me enter.

I sat down next to James, and he seemed to be able to read my mind, as he passed a note to me which said,

Remember it's not real.

"You alright, Remus?" Sirius asked. Oh, god.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, smiling at him. Then, with a sudden rush of impulsion, I asked him, "So, how's it going with Marlene?"

I regretted asking immediately after, but at least I'd get to see his reaction.

"Um, Remus… I've been meaning to tell you, it's actually kind of a fake relationship," Sirius whispered so quietly that his voice was barely audible.

"Oh?" I said, genuinely surprised, "Um, how come I'm only finding this out now?"

I didn't know why I was acting like that. I guess I was just pissed off that he got me thinking that he fancied me then going and telling me he had a girlfriend. Couldn't he have told me it was fake from the start? Not cause me to chuck a tantrum like a toddler over it?

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'll tell you later."

Later was that night, when I pulled back the curtains of his four-poster to ask him. I was annoyed, and I needed to know.

"So… what's happening with Marlene?" I asked. "Why didn't you tell me it was fake?"

"Because I… it's complicated, Remus. I don't think I like her. I don't think I like girls at all, to be honest. But obviously, I'm expected to marry a pureblood girl, and that girl is going to be chosen for me if I don't date a girl now, so I'm pretending to date Marlene."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"Because I… I really do like you, and I guess I was trying to cover up what I said last time because I know you're normal, and I know I have zero chance with you, so I just wanted you to think it was a dare and that I was with Marlene, but I couldn't bare it anymore, so that's why I told you…"

I didn't believe him. I knew he liked Marlene. He snogged her!

"Why were you snogging Marlene, then? Care to explain that?"

That was mean, I thought, but Sirius responded normally.

"I'm really sorry for lying, Remus… I thought it would turn me normal, but it really didn't, I just… I just hate myself so much for being so weird, but I just can't stop thinking about you non-stop, I worry about you on full moons, that you'll be too badly hurt, that one day it'll kill you, or some werewolf-killer will kill you… I'm literally so obsessed with you and I just needed to get my mind off you for one second by kissing her, but of course, it didn't work, and oh god, Remus, I'm so sorry, you're probably freaked out right now, A guy likes you, I know it's so weird."

OK. I sort of understood how he felt. But I still wasn't sure if he was telling the truth. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to find out it was all a joke. While I was trying to think of something to say, Sirius spoke again while my mind was still racing.

"I get you don't want to sound rude; I know you always want to be nice, but I get it. You can tell me to stop talking to you about this weird queer stuff which probably sounds like I'm speaking another language to you, I'm really sorry…"

"No," I said, "I get it."

It took Sirius a second to process what I'd just said. He just stared at me for a second, then eventually his eyes widened.

"You… get it… you… what… you're… you're a queer?"

"Yeah…" I said, praying he wasn't joking. This could possibly be the best day of my life, but also the worst if he was joking.

"What… does anyone else know?" he asked.

"Yeah, James, and Peter, sort of…" I said, feeling my face heat and stomach flip.

"I… do you like a guy, then?" he asked.

"Sirius," I said, "I'm obsessed with you."

"Oh my… what?"

"Yeah. Um…"

"Woah… really?"

"Yes."

"Oh wow, well um… I like you; you like me… what happens now?" said Sirius.

"Um… I don't know, honestly," I said, laughing awkwardly, "Well, James says to go to Madam Puddifoots, but that place was made for a girl and a boy date, not people like us…"

"Well, do you want to go out in Hogsmeade on Sunday?" Sirius asked. "Like, just us? It's not uncommon to have two blokes hanging out together, right?"

"I don't think so… yeah, that sounds like a good idea," I said.

"So um… we'll just keep it between us, yeah? I mean, I don't mind… but… parents, and… well… people will hate us and, well…."

"Yeah. Just between us, of course," I said.

"Cool."

"Cool."

That Saturday was a Quidditch match, and Sirius invited me to come and see the changing rooms. We hadn't talked about that night behind his curtains since it had happened, we both just had the mutual agreement we were still going out on Sunday.

I followed Sirius into the changing rooms. It was quite a boring room, and the game wasn't meant to start for an hour, so no one was in there.

"So…" said Sirius, putting his hands in his pockets. So, we weren't past the awkwardness.

"Yeah, um… how are you?"

"Great," Sirius grinned. "Really, really great…"

"Oh god, this is awkward…" I said, laughing, making it even more awkward.

"I know," said Sirius, sitting down. "I'm sorry, I don't really know how it works…"

"Neither," I said, "how does it work with Marlene?"

"Well, I just asked her to pretend to date me, and that I'd pay her, and she said OK, and then we just talked about boundaries, we both agreed to furthest we'd go is snogging with no tongues or anything," said Sirius.

"Oh, OK," I said.

"Moony?" he said suddenly. I looked at him. "Do you think we'll win the war? Do you think it will be over by the time we graduate?

"I hope so," I said, "It's been on for four years now, surely it'll end soon."

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Hope so."

Silence again, until Sirius broke it, changing the subject again. "This may sound creepy, but can I rant? About you? To you?"

"Um, sure, if you want," I said. Half of me would love that and the other half felt much too insecure for that.

"OK, sorry in advance if I sound creepy, but I've been wanting to tell you this for years. So, I don't know if you remember that night in first year, the first night of school, and I was jumping on my bed, and I hit my head and fell, and you got all worried, and I… I don't know, something went over me. I didn't really get it at the time, I mean, I was eleven… but throughout first year, I slowly realised that I wasn't normal… that I was becoming more and more attracted to you… and I thought I was going insane, I went through phases where I'd try to change myself, I'd pick out girls to have crushes on, but I never really liked them… it was only you I'd think about, I don't think I've gone five minutes without thinking about you since the moment we've met…

"Anyway, enough about me. How about you give me two truths and one lie, and I'll try and guess the lie," said Sirius. Subject change number three.

"Um, OK… I like chocolate, I like books, and um… I'm a girl," I said. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well, I'll guess the lie is that you're a girl," he said.

"Yeah, good job," I said sarcastically. "You know me so well."

"Remus, it needs to be deep!" said Sirius.

"Give me an example of something deep."

"OK," said Sirius. "So, I used to go to the Great Lake every day and cry because of my family, I'd just say I was going to the bathroom, and I only stopped last year; I used to have a small crush on James during second year; Regulus told me he's going to become a Death Eater when he's sixteen then make them hate him so they kill him and he doesn't have to deal with being a death eater anymore."

"I… wow… I'm going to have to guess the third one is the lie," I said.

Sirius shook his head. "Nope, the second one. James is cool, but he's practically my brother. I could never see him in that way."

"So… you used to cry," I said. He nodded. "I'm… so sorry I wasn't there for you."

"It's fine. You didn't know."

"And as for Regulus, is there any way to convince him not to let them kill him?" I suggested.

"I've tried, but he's got his mind set on the plan," said Sirius. "The only way to stop him would be for him to not become a death eater, but he doesn't really have a choice… I'm planning to leave the minute I'm supposed to get the dark mark, so by the time he's sixteen… well, if he runs away too, that won't be good, so the only way to stop him is by becoming a death eater myself. Then, I suppose I'd just be taking the path he wants to take."

"OK, please don't do that…" I said, trying to think, "What if… what if he becomes a spy for the order? Pretends to be a death eater, but actually spies on them?"

Sirius's eyes widened. "That… is such a good deal. Oh my god! Thank you so much, Moony! Oh my god, I could kiss you! I mean, can I? Is that… OK with you…?"

"Yeah," I said, getting intense butterflies and blushing harder than I'd ever blushed as we both began to lean in. Our hands were on each other's faces, when–

"Yes, you're beautiful, when are you going to realise it?"

"God, I love you so much…"

Marlene and Dorcas walked in, their heads together, and their hands linked. They noticed us at the same moment that we noticed them and pulled apart at the exact same moment we did.

After a good ten seconds of stunned silence, the four of us broke out in hysterical laughter.

"You two–"

"You two!"

"Oh, god, I guess we're both cheating on each other, hey Sirius?" Marlene snorted, and Sirius nodded, his face going red with laughter.

"At least we know we're not the only queers at this school," said Dorcas, doubling over with her laughter and placing a hand on Marlene's shoulder.

"Wait, so… how long have you two been going out, then?" I asked once my laughter was under control.

"Five months, from near the end of fourth year," said Dorcas, "How about you?"

"Er, just a week or so, really…" said Sirius.

"Awww," said Marlene, grinning, "Little boys only just starting a relationship! How sweet!"

"We're not that much younger than you, you know," said Sirius.

"You're like, what, twelve?" said Marlene. "I'm turning sixteen in February!"

"And me next June," said Dorcas, grinning.

"So, you're both fifteen, and so am I," said Sirius, crossing his arms. "And Remus will be fifteen in March…"

"What year were you guys born, then? 1965?"

"Excuse me, but I was born in the 1950s," said Sirius.

"Yeah, the very end of it!" Marlene cried.

"And Remus is a 1960 little child, then?" Dorcas teased. I just rolled my eyes.

"Anyway… since we've finally found some other queers, why don't we all go on a double date tomorrow at Hogsmeade now the teachers aren't up our arses?" Marlene suggested.

Sirius and I exchanged a look, then nodded.

"Yeah, that sounds cool, what ti–"

I was interrupted by a noise coming from the Quidditch pitch. The four of us exchanged a look, then went out to the pitch to investigate.

To see James, his face bruised and bleeding, shoved against the wall by Snape.