CW: Self-loathing

He hates you. You're disgusting. You're annoying. You're ugly. It's all you. You're rude. You're stupid. You're a murderer. You're a monster. You're a terrible kisser. You have disgusting scars. He hates you. He hates you. He hates you. He hates you. He...

"I'm sorry," said Sirius.

And then he left.

Left me standing there alone in the bathroom of the Hogwarts Express.

I covered my mouth and screamed silently, closing the door of the bathroom, and locking it, then sitting on the toilet seat.

I hated myself.

Sirius probably never liked me. Why would he? He just showed me pity because it wasn't like anyone would ever actually like me. He was just a nice person.

I realised I'd been holding my breath, so I let out a long and loud exhale. I then opened the door and walked towards our compartment, but the moment I saw Sirius in there, I turned around and walked back down the carriage. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I didn't know what to say.

I walked down the train awkwardly for over an hour, until the Trolley Witch appeared and told me I had to sit down. I walked absent-mindedly for another minute, then walked into the first compartment which contained people I recognised.

It was a bunch of girls (Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and Alice) and one guy (Frank, who had Alice's head on his lap).

"Hey, Remus," said Lily when I opened the door.

"Hi," I said. "Er, do you guys mind if I sit with you?"

"Of course you can sit with us," said Lily. "Why aren't you sitting with Potter and the others, though? Finally realised he's an arrogant toerag?"

"Oh, no..." I said, sitting down, "Just wanted to sit with someone else for a change."

"Understandable," said Mary. "I sit with different people literally every time I'm on this train."

"Mmm, when are you going to sit with Reg Cattermole?" asked Dorcas, raising her eyebrows. Mary rolled her eyes.

"I don't like him," she said. "And he should try talking to me himself for once, instead of everyone else asking me out for him. It's honestly very unattractive of him."

"You talk to him, then," said Alice.

"But I don't like him," said Mary.

They all blabbered on about it and I zoned out, looking out the window and thinking about Sirius, because what else could I possibly think about at that moment?

Had he liked me at all, ever? He'd said he did. He'd said he liked me... he'd kissed me... he'd complimented me... he'd shared things with me that he didn't want James, his best friend, to know...

Five months. We'd been together for five months. What had I expected? One guy I'd gone out with when I was fourteen would be my lifetime lover? Did I think we'd somehow break the law and get married? Did I think Sirius and I would still be together when we were old men with dementia?

So stupid, I thought to myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Hey, Remus!" James cried, waving frantically at me, and running over to me, at Hogsmeade station. "Remus! What's up? Where were you on the train?"

"Oh, I was sitting with some other people," I said.

"Oh, OK," said James. "Why?"

"Just felt like sitting with someone else," I lied, shrugging.

"Oh, OK," said James again, frowning, but then he smiled again quickly. "You going to sit with the marauders for dinner?"

"Oh – yeah..." I said.

"Great," said James. "C'mon, I'm starving!"

He walked into the castle and to the Great Hall with me, where Sirius and Peter were already sitting. James sat across from Peter, leaving me to sit across from Sirius. I locked eyes with him for a split second before he looked back down at his food.

Talk to him later, said a voice in my head, and I internally nodded to myself.

Talking to Sirius wasn't easy. The next day, Sirius would always sit in between James and Peter to avoid sitting next to me during classes, and if we needed to do partner work, he'd always elect to work with James or Peter.

Peter was oblivious to this, but James seemed to pick up on it and asked me if everything was OK that afternoon after all our classes were over.

"Yeah, everything's fine," I said, shrugging. "I'm going to go do some homework..."

I split ways with him and took my quill, ink, and a half-completed Arithmancy essay out to the courtyard to enjoy the Spring sunshine as I completed the torturous homework.

I wrote slowly on purpose, focusing on trying to make my handwriting look as neat as possible just to keep my mind off Sirius. I'd barely even slept the previous night because of my swirling thoughts about him.

I felt stupid, being upset over him. I was dumb for thinking he actually liked me, to think someone could possibly want to be anything more than friends with someone like me, and...

You're thinking about him, said a voice in my head. Grow up.

I silently cursed myself and finished the essay, then grabbed my things and walked back into the castle and walked straight into, you guessed it, Sirius Black.

And all my stuff dropped.

And my ink spilled all over my essay.

"Oh, um... sorry," said Sirius.

And then he walked away, into the courtyard.

What the hell?

I let out a long breath and picked up the essay. It was completely ruined. Instead of attempting to fix it with my wand, I tore it apart, feeling stupid and angry, and upset.

"Remus!"

"What?" I looked up to see James smiling down at me.

"Hey," he said, "Sirius and I are going to study in the courtyard, and Peter will be here in five minutes if you want to join us? And um, is your parchment OK?"

"Oh... it's alright," I said, pocketing the torn essay. "I'm feeling a bit ill, I'm just going to go to the dormitory..."

"Alright," said James. "Hope you feel better soon."

"Yeah..." I said, walking past him.

Could Sirius not even speak to me?

I don't blame him.

Even if he didn't want to have a romantic relationship anymore, couldn't we at least still be friends?

He doesn't want to be near you at all.

I got into the common room, then walked up to the dormitory, and considered punching everything and destroying the entire room, but I wasn't that sort of guy.

Instead, I lay on my bed and stared at the wall like the loser I was.

He hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you, he hates you...

I awoke in the middle of the night. And it wasn't like in the books, where people suddenly sit up in their beds, sweating a panting. My eyes just popped open, and I realised I'd fallen asleep while staring at a wall and not redoing my Arithmancy essay.

I sighed, then looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I listened to my friends to find they were all asleep. I listened to Sirius's breathing and smiled for a few seconds before reality settled in and I remembered what had happened.

Get over him, I thought. It's not like you were with him for ten years or something. It's not like it even counted as a real relationship, you disgusting homo.

I groaned, then closed my eyes, wishing I would never wake up.

"You alright, Remus?"

"I'm fine," I said, taking a bite of bacon.

"Could you pass the eggs, James?" Sirius asked.

The eggs were closer to me than James, so I grabbed them and passed them to him, and he just took them silently.

"Are you alright, Sirius?" James asked.

"I'm fine," Sirius responded, piling eggs onto his plate, still not looking at me.

I bit into my bacon furiously, wishing he'd just talk to me.

The bell rang, and we all stood up for class.

"Is it Divination or Charms first?" Sirius asked James.

"Charms," I responded, and he just nodded.

My opportunity to speak to Sirius finally arose during Divination, our second class of the day. There were only six people in our class, and Sybill and Lily always worked together, and Peter begged James to work with him and help him with the work, so Sirius ended up with no one else to partner with.

I waited until Professor Trelawney had finished her lecturing until I spoke to Sirius, trying to sound casual.

"So, um... how are you?" I asked.

Sirius looked at his crystal ball, scrunching up his face as if he was determined to ignore me.

"OK, then..." I said. Then, without thinking, "You know, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped treating me like I'm some... some disease you want to avoid or something. It'd be nice if you'd speak to me or look at me."

"I already said I'm sorry," said Sirius, still furiously looking at the ball.

"If you don't want to... you know... anymore, that's completely fine. I can respect that. But can we at least still talk? Still be friends? And if you don't want to be friends could you just tell me to piss off instead of pretending I don't exist!?" I felt rude saying it, but it had to be said. I couldn't keep going on like this.

Sirius finally looked at me and remained looking at me for a full ten seconds before he looked back at the crystal ball and said, "I can't. I can't talk to you."

"You're talking to me now," I said, and Sirius shook his head.

"You're... you're Regulus," said Sirius.

"What?" I said. Did he think I was his bloody brother now?

"No, you're Regulus," he said, "I... Regulus, I can't talk to Remus. Mother knows about what happened with him and me... and she's constantly in my mind, Regulus. She'll hurt everyone if I talk to him, Regulus."

His mother.

Avoiding me, not speaking to me, refusing to look at me...

"Is there a way to stop her from going into your mind?" I asked.

"Occlumency," Sirius said, "But... but I don't want to, it's a fair punishment..."

"What can she see and hear?" I asked.

"My thoughts," said Sirius, "I'm just thinking about something else right now... sorry if I seem distracted... but um... yeah, I usually think about what I'm doing, so... if I... think about something else... it's really hard... I... can't..."

I looked at the crystal ball, realisation settling in.

"Mr. Lupin. You said you were almost done an hour ago. It's past eleven o'clock on a Tuesday night! The library is well and truly closed, and it's past your curfew."

"Can I borrow these books then, please?" I asked.

"Why are you reading books about Occlumency?" Madam Pince asked, crossing her arms.

"It's interesting," I said. "Can I please borrow them? I'll leave if you let me borrow them."

"They're from the restricted section," said Madam Pince. "Do you have a signed note from a teacher?"

"Please let me borrow them," I begged. "I won't bother you late at night ever again."

Madam Pince sighed. "Fine. But you better stay true to your word."

"I will!" I said, taking the books up to the front desk, and Madam Pince wrote my name in all of them.

"It's due on the twenty-second of April," she said.

"Thank you!" I said, taking the books and leaving the library, walking to the dormitory. My friends were already asleep, so I drew the curtains of my four-poster, lit my wand, and continued reading.

By the next morning, I'd gotten through an entire book of Occlumency, and felt exhausted, but satisfied.

From what I'd read, Occlumency was a taught skill, and someone who was good at it would be able to resist someone trying to use legilimency against them, and able to stop them from entering their mind. If Sirius could learn how to do that, then perhaps we could at least be friends again, and maybe he'd even be my boyfriend again.