"Thirteen days until the big game, boys! I'm hoping to get thirteen hours of training in today!"
"Thirteen hours? That's more than half an entire day, James," I said.
"I know," James grinned. "That's why we're up bright and early, so we can finish before dark. C'mon, Sirius! Wake up! We gotta wake the rest of the boys, and Marlene's waking the girls! Not that anyone listens to her anymore..."
"Remus and I don't even play Quidditch, why couldn't you just wake Sirius?" Peter groaned.
"I did just wake Sirius," said James.
"Extremely loudly," I said. "And pulling our curtains away as well..."
"You didn't want to join in on the fun?"
"No," said Peter. "Can you pull our curtains back, please?"
James rolled his eyes, then pulled Peter's curtains back, then mine, and I quickly drifted back to sleep after he and Sirius had left the dormitory.
I didn't see the Quidditch team at all that day, as they were all spending their Sunday training for thirteen hours like the lunatics they were. Peter and I went down to the Quidditch stands to bring them all lunch, which they all wolfed down like they hadn't eaten in a year.
They all said, in between mouthfuls, something along the lines of, "God... didn't have... breakfast... thanks so much guys..."
After they'd devoured the entire plate, Peter and I went back to the Great Hall to get some lunch for ourselves.
"I can't believe they're doing thirteen hours of training in one day," said Peter, piling tuna onto his sandwich.
"It's crazy," I said, taking a bite of my sandwich.
"Is Hogsmeade open today?" Peter asked.
"Nah, it's a Sunday, and we went yesterday," I said.
"Oh, yeah," said Peter. There was a pause. "You know how Marlene and Dorcas are... what's the word..."
"They're people?" I suggested. "They're girls? They're witches?"
"Well, yeah, but they're qu-quare? What's the word?"
"Queer." I felt myself stiffening. I knew Peter didn't understand it as James did.
"Oh, yeah," said Peter. "So, are you a queer then?"
"What? No!" I said, taken aback.
"Oh, OK..." said Peter. "It's just – well, last summer... when we were going to Narcissa's wedding, and then Sirius was wearing that suit, and then James asked if you liked him..."
"No, no, I'm not," I said, very conscious of the fact that other people in the Great Hall could hear us if they were listening. "I'm normal."
"Oh, OK," said Peter. "I think I understand it now. It's the same as any love. I didn't get it before because, well, I'd never really heard of it. I'm sorry for being mean about it."
"That's OK," I said, feeling myself smiling. "I'm glad you get it now."
"Yeah, I-"
Peter was interrupted, and the smile was wiped clean off my face when the doors to the Great Hall burst open, and the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team came rushing in, still in their scarlet Quidditch robes, all sweaty and muddy, all with matching looks of fear on their faces.
"What?" I said, walking over to them alongside Peter. "What is it?"
"Dementors..." said James, breathless.
"Dementors?" I repeated. "Don't they guard Azkaban?"
"They're on the Quidditch Pitch," said Sirius.
"Not just the Quidditch Pitch, they're all over the school grounds!" James cried.
"Can we go see?" Dorcas asked, but Marlene gripped her arm.
"No way, they'll suck your soul," said Marlene.
"Why are they here, then?" Dorcas asked.
"That's the thing, we don't know," said James.
"Calm down, students." Professor McGonagall was striding towards the big crowd, her face calm. "The Ministry of Magic has set Dementors loose around the school."
"Er – why?" asked a member of the team I didn't know.
"Death Eaters have been trying to come into the school for long enough," said McGonagall. "The Ministry has sent the Dementors to the school as a precaution."
"A precaution?" said James. "They tried to kill us."
"You need to be careful around them," said Professor McGonagall. "Don't go near them at all, or they will try and attack you."
"We should all learn the Patronus Charm!" cried James.
"Everyone learns that during their sixth year, Mr. Potter," said Professor McGonagall. "Anyone below that age would not be capable of the charm. You shouldn't need it if you're careful."
"How are we meant to train with all the dementors out there?" Marlene asked.
"Just be quiet, and if the dementors come just fly slowly away, don't speed off, otherwise they'll chase you," said Professor McGonagall. "And don't do anything stupid."
"Alright... come on, guys, a few dementors aren't going to stop this thirteen-hour session of training," said James. Professor McGonagall gave him a look when he said 'thirteen-hour', but she let it go as they all ran out of the Great Hall.
"Twelve days... twelve days..."
James and Sirius were exercising like crazy when the alarm went off the next morning and I stepped out of bed.
"God, how long have you been doing this?" I asked.
"Three hours," Sirius panted.
"You've been up since four!?" I cried.
"The final game is in twelve days," said James. "A lot of people on our team are kind of really bad at Quidditch, so we all need to train if we want to win the Quidditch cup! Watch me have the biggest muscles in the school by the end of the game!"
"Er... OK," I said. "Well, let's go get some breakfast, you guys will want to get some protein in you."
"Yeah, I swear to god, if it's just cereal or toast... I need meat!" James cried, and we all walked down to the Great Hall to be greeted by boxes of cereal and bottles of milk on the tables, causing Sirius and James to both groan loudly.
We sat down at the table and ate the cereal, and then James grabbed a single cornflake from his bowl and pointed his wand at it, and said, "Engorgio... Wingardium Leviosa!"
He was now making his fist-sized cornflake fly and directed it at Marlene.
"Oi, Seeker," he said, "here's some extra practice for you."
"Seriously, Potter? I'm eating break- oh my god, not a soggy cornflake, Potter!" Marlene cried, standing up and walking away from the massive cornflake, which was dripping in milk. "That's gross!"
"But you could try catching it for extra practice," said James.
"Not that," said Marlene, batting it away with the tip of her wand.
"Remember the plan?" James asked. "You can't catch the snitch until –"
"You're fifty points ahead, yeah, yeah, I know what to do," said Marlene. "And yes, we'll all be at training this afternoon."
"Great!" James grinned, then turned to Lily. "Hey, Evans, d'you want to come to watch me... er, watch us train this afternoon?"
"Uh, no, I'm alright," said Lily.
"I can teach you how to play if you want. You can join the team!"
"I'm not interested in Quidditch, Potter," said Lily.
"The robes would look good on you too, they're bright red, and they'd match your hair," said James.
"I said no, Potter," said Lily.
"I mean, anything would look good on you, you could literally wear a bigger version of this cereal box and still look stunning..." said James.
"Alright Potter, I'm off to class," said Lily, standing up and leaving the Great Hall. James sighed. He didn't stand a chance, and I think everyone else but James could see that, but no one wanted to burst his bubble.
"C'mon, let's just go to class... it's Charms, right?" said James, standing up.
That afternoon, Peter and I decided to go down to the Quidditch pitch so we could watch James and Sirius train as we did our homework. I felt quite uncomfortable with all the dementors floating around us. It made the air really cold and I felt my mind wandering to my worst memories.
Shouldn't they be sucking your soul? came a voice in my head. You're the worst person to ever exist, you deserve it. You've killed, you've caused pain, you've destroyed your parents' and your friends' lives...
I watched Sirius, trying to think about all the good things in my life to shut the dementors out of my mind.
The next afternoon, a couple of first-year Slytherins decided it would be smart to steal some brooms from Madam Hooch and fly towards a group of dementors and throw rocks at them.
Those two first-years were now in the Hospital Wing.
There was a large crowd of students crowded at the entrance to the Hospital Wing, all trying to get a look at them, but Professor McGonagall was yelling at the crowd, telling everyone to calm down and leave, so Madam Pomfrey could help the students in peace.
"Why would they be so stupid?" asked Peter as we walked back to our common room.
"Because they're literally four years old," I said.
"They're eleven or twelve," said James.
"Practically four years old," I shrugged. "Little kids aren't the brightest people, usually."
"I swear, when I was in first year, I wasn't that reckless," said Sirius.
"Well, when we were in first year, there weren't dementors floating around the school!" Peter cried.
"The fact that the war has gotten so bad that there are dementors floating around the school is kind of sad, though," I said. "It's supposed to be the safest place in the world for witches and wizards, but if they need to get dementors in to protect us, that's got to be a sign that, I dunno... we're all going to die here."
"Die?" Peter repeated. "I'm not... I'm only fourteen, I'm not ready..."
"We're not going to die, Peter," said Sirius, giving me a look, "Remus is just being dramatic."
"No, I'm being realistic," I said. I was sick of everyone sugar-coating the war, making it seem like everything was fine. It was brutal, and it was going to get worse. People just needed to wake up and realise that.
My stomach was doing strange flips on the day of the full moon that month. I wasn't sure whether Madam Pomfrey would be helping me or not, and as time got closer and closer to five-thirty in the evening, when I was supposed to be meeting her, I debated over whether I should go to the Hospital Wing, or just go straight to the Shrieking Shack.
It was a Sunday, so I didn't have to sit through any classes that day, but that also meant I had nothing to keep my mind off the debate that was going on in my mind as if I had two different brains.
And I didn't even have Sirius to distract me that day, because he and James were training for Quidditch all day, just for something different, so I spent the day playing exploding snap, and wizard chess with Peter, who kept jumping every time the cards exploded, and Mary, who was extremely competitive and would literally scream as if she'd been hit by the cruciatus curse every time she lost.
I went for an early dinner at around five o'clock and shovelled in every single piece of meat I could reach, and then, at five twenty-five, it was time for me to make up my mind.
I slowly began walking towards the hospital wing, and when I was just a few metres away, I stopped.
She doesn't want to help you, I thought. You're wasting your time.
But what if she does, and she turns up in the morning and gets angry at you for not coming as she instructed you to do? You should do as she says.
But what if she was joking? It's not like she'd actually want to help you.
I shook my head, and marched straight into the Hospital Wing, waiting for her to tell me to leave.
But she didn't.
She didn't say anything, either, she just walked past me, and motioned for me to follow her, then led me out of the castle and to the Whomping Willow. She drew her wand and froze the willow, then walked down the hole with me to the shack.
"I'll be here at six AM sharp tomorrow morning," said Madam Pomfrey. "I'll knock on the door, and you need to respond, alright? Tell me if you need help, or if I can wait until you get changed, or if I can come in. If you don't respond, I'm going to have to come in to see what the problem is, so don't leave before I come, and don't go to sleep before I come, alright?"
"Alright," I said.
She checked her watch. "Well, I'll be off. Have a nice night, and don't hurt anyone."
"OK."
She nodded, then turned away and quickly walked out of the shack, locking the door behind her. I took off my clothes and lay down, squeezing my eyes shut as I began to transform.
Dark. Red. Tears A ringing in my ears. A knocking on the door. Pain. Discomfort. Torture. Another knock on the door.
The door.
"I – I'm..." I started, feeling my voice get caught in my tears of pain, and embarrassment, that a woman who didn't even like me was about to see that I was crying.
"Remus?" Her voice was softer than usual, kinder than it usually was when directed at me. "Can I come in?"
"No... please don't..." I said, feeling around for my clothes. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and, through my eyes that were pools of tears, I saw that I'd slit my own throat. Somehow, I'd slit my own throat and now blood was spurting out of it. I felt myself let out a small sob. "Help... please... help..."
I just asked for help.
I was so weak.
Madam Pomfrey opened the door to find me lying there, naked and sobbing, with blood pissing out of the long cut on my neck that looked like someone had attempted and failed to cut my head off.
My vision blackened, then returned, and she was wrapping a bandage around my neck, and tapping her wand on it, and then she was somewhat dragging me, after asking if I could stand, but I didn't respond. We were around halfway up the small hill that led back to the castle when I completely passed out.