Notes:
I am so, so sorry it took me this long to update. This chapter is rather short and I'm sorry about that too but I just wanted to give you guys something and this chapter did not at all turn out the way it was originally intended to.
I really hope you guys still like it.
Thank you so much to everyone who still reads, comments and favories this story, it means the world to me.
Chapter 67 I'll paint the truth show how I feel try to make you completely real I offer what you cannot buy devoted love until we die
Sara
Sara hated to admit it, but the night had been brutal, and she had barely gotten any sleep. She had gotten used to Ollie being home or coming home at some point during the night over the last couple of months. Not having him here, not being able to verify that he was alright, that he wasn't hurt with her own eyes was something she was truly struggling with.
She really wasn't sure what to think about that. Wasn't sure it was something she was okay with. It wasn't like her. She had always been independent, even while being in relationships. She had never emotionally depended on her partners or had any issues when they hadn't been around for a while, usually being the one needing space. It would be easy to just brush it off as a habit, something she had gotten used to, but that would be a lie.
Falling asleep and waking up next to Nyssa had been something she had gotten used to, and yet, she hadn't had sleepless nights when they were apart because of their missions. Yes, she had worried about Nyssa, but never to the extent she was worrying about Ollie now.
Was it simply because of the still new and life altering position she was in? Her incapability of pushing the reality of what losing him would mean to the back of her mind, just to give her enough peace to sleep for a couple of hours, might play into that. She had gotten good at compartmentalizing and locking whatever was worrying her away in order to get some sleep over the last ten years. But there was no denying reality now; it took her forever to find a comfortable position to lie in, moving around to get back up and out of bed was a steadily greater struggle, one she was forced to face several times a night to empty the bladder that currently had a lot of pressure permanently pressing on it. And then there were the little feet kicking her, the little hands pushing against her and all the other movements inside her womb that were created by their tiny little girl living within her.
The thought of not having her husband by her side when their daughter decided it was time to come into the world was also something that was almost paralyzing, she wasn't sure what she had to expect from labor, there were a lot of differing accords depending on the source, and different to other women, it wasn't the pain that terrified her, no, pain was something she could handle, it was the fear that something might go wrong, that her body might betray her and their daughter, that scared her.
She was also uncomfortable with the knowledge just how vulnerable she would be in that moment, knowing that strangers would see her like this, that people she didn't know would be the first to take hold of their precious little Hummingbird and that she wouldn't be able to do anything if their intentions towards their daughter weren't pure. But Ollie, Ollie could, and Ollie would make sure nothing was going to happen to either of "his birds", as he had jokingly taken to calling them a couple of days ago. Sara knew that. She also knew that she would feel a lot more comfortable in that vulnerable position with him by her side. She didn't like to be touched by strangers, even less as intimately as one needed to be when a human being came out of one's body. She needed Ollie to be there. Not sure how she'd get through labor without him or how she would react to the strangers' touches were he not there with her to soothe the demons within her.
She loved Mila more than anything in the world, couldn't wait to hold her in her arms and watch her grow, the thought of her daughter brought her so much joy, excitement and happiness, a welcoming change to the hopeless despair it had been before. But those feelings came at a price. Allowing them to take over meant there was no going back anymore, no more changing her mind, if something were to happen to Ollie, and her promise to him they would raise Mila together, would be broken through that, she still wouldn't be able to give their daughter away as she had originally intended to. There was no way she could do it now, not after she let herself believe she could do this, she could be a mom, she could raise her daughter, with Ollie by her side, she could have the life she had been secretly and desperately craving from the age of fifteen. She had promised him she'd be in their daughter's life. So, if she lost him, she'd raise their baby girl on her own. The thought terrified her, unsure if she could do it. It was one thing to navigate parenthood and her mental struggles with Oliver by her side. It was a completely different situation, doing it on her own.
Something she didn't think she could do. But would none the less if she had to.
Maybe it also had to do with their latest choice, with all the changes that came along with it. Even if most of those were superficial and had little actual meaning, and yet, so much went along with their choice to get married when it came to the societal setting. Was it simply because of all the labels that would come with her current situation if something were to happen to him? Widow, single mother, half-orphan. Those were all powerful words. Words that were meant to bring on powerful emotions. Was the way she was feeling brought on by society? Was it social stigma that amplified her emotions? Or was it simply because it was Ollie? She had felt similar once before, after all.
Lian Yu.
After Slade had captured Ollie. She hadn't been able to fall asleep that night. It had been the first night in months that she hadn't been curled up next to him, and the reality of his absence had only been intensified by the cold of the night. Every night before that one, his arms and body had shielded her from it as much as possible, his large frame acting as a natural source of heat, keeping her warm. She had been freezing that night. Not that the cold had been the main reason for her lack of sleep, the sound of Ollie's anguished screams had been permanently trapped in her head and she had been terrified for him, not knowing what Slade might be doing to him right this moment, or if he was even still alive. Back then, she had simply brushed it off as normal, given the circumstances, as being confronted with a frightening situation. Figuring it was simply fear for him and fear for her and both of their survival, and the likely loss of their one chance to go home. Not willing to even consider it being something else entirely. Too scared to admit to herself that part of the reason she felt that strongly was because she loved him, loved him more than she thought herself capable of loving someone. That thought had been utterly terrifying, which was why she had pushed it as far back into her mind as she could. Not ready to admit the truth to herself yet, especially not while also being faced with a real possibility that she was about to lose him again, forever this time. But now it made her wonder if those had been the reasons, feeling the same way now as she had back then.
Maybe it was because she couldn't remember the last time she had felt this vulnerable; she had been in a position where she had to rely on others for her own protection. She had turned her body into a weapon, not by choice but by necessity. As horrific, abhorrent, damaging and traumatic as her training with the League had been, a part of her had felt liberated by the knowledge that what they were teaching her meant she would never be a victim again. No one would ever be able to hurt her the way Anthony's surviving men, some of his freed prisoners, and later on members of the League had hurt her, before she had finished her training. Ra's al Ghul and Nyssa were teaching her everything she needed to know to ensure that she would never suffer at the hands of men again. That she would never be touched, her body never be used against her will again. She had known that after the vigorous, sickening and nightmarish training, if she survived it, she would no longer be dependent on Ollie or Nyssa for protection. Which was a good thing, because Ollie, who had been her protector from childhood on wasn't ever going to be able to protect her again. He was dead, swallowed by the freezing waters of the shores of purgatory. The mere thought of what the Demon's Head had put her through, what he had ordered his men to do to her, brought on a strong physical reaction; her stomach churning in revulsion while her heartbeat accelerated and her hands began to shake.
Yes, looking back now, she had no doubt that his goal had been to break her, not train her, that he had never expected her to survive. He had meant for her to die. But just like others before him, he had underestimated her and her will to survive. Ra's had underestimated her desperate need to see her family again, even if only for one last time. It had been that longing, that powerful yearning that had acted as a driving force and essentially also led to her outsmarting him. Her father's encouraging voice had been a constant, her mother's soothing words and her sister's helpful advice within her head had helped her pull through even when she was certain she couldn't keep going and the thought of just letting go and hopefully join Ollie wherever he was had been so very tempting. But whenever temptation became so great, and she was so close to giving up, she would hear his beloved voice. He would tell her to hang on, to remember the promise she had made to him. She had promised Ollie she would tell his family that he had changed. She intended to keep that promise, but she had to live in order to do that. Ollie was dead. He had died trying to protect her, had come back for her and died for his effort to save her and take her back home to see her family. She wasn't going to let his death be for nothing. She would live for both of them, she would find a way back home to see her family.
And now she was back in that position again, where she was dependent on others for not only her but also her unborn daughter's protection. Something she wasn't comfortable with, never mind the fact that the only person she truly and completely trusted with her and her daughter's safety, protection, and life was Ollie. Knowing from experience that there was nothing he wouldn't do to keep her safe.
"I need you to be safe… I chose you." His words from so long ago suddenly rang into her ears. In all honesty, looking back now, that had been the first time Ollie had told her he loved her. He may not have used the exact words, but everything around it fit.
"Not without you." Her own words, her fateful choice that night, were brought forth by the thought of their past. Yes, Ollie had told her he loved her on Lian Yu, and she had returned the sentiment on the Freighter not long after. She pulled herself back towards her original thought process before she had gotten distracted by the unexpected and not particularly welcome turn her thoughts had taken.
Or it could just hormones? Maybe it was just given to the chemical reaction the pregnancy was having on her body and mind. Simple biology. Or maybe it was more than that, but the hormones probably were a powerful factor that was not to be discredited. Her emotions had been all over the place ever since Mila became a part of her life, and difficult to control or keep a handle on. So, it would make sense that her feelings would be amplified by the chemical changes happening inside of her body.
It was probably a combination of everything.
The vibrating of her phone on the nightstand ripped her from her thoughts and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the name on it. She snatched it up right away.
"Ollie." Sara decided to ignore the breathless way her voice sounded, not wanting to end up analyzing whether everything she had just considered needed to be thrown out the window because she was simply turning into one of those women. His cheery 'good morning, my Pretty Bird.' eased her worry and helped her relax. She knew it wouldn't last long, knew he hadn't seen Talia yet. He had probably only just arrived in Nyingchi. Still, hearing his voice was a balm to her frazzled nerves. They talked on the phone while he left the airport and for most of his bus ride until the distance from the big city was too far and the signal turned bad and forced them to hang up, but not before he told her how much he loved her, a sentiment she wholeheartedly returned.
She never mentioned to him how terrified she was for him. And yet, she was sure he was aware of it, wouldn't have stayed on the phone with her for as long as he had otherwise. She appreciated the sentiment, was grateful for his quiet understanding and him never addressing it. It had probably been as much for her benefit as it had been for his own.
And maybe that was the real reason she was feeling this way, because in the end, everything came back to Ollie. He had always been the exception, after all.
She struggled out of bed in order to start her day and routine. Roy was here, Sin was going to come by after lunch and Thea would join them as soon as she was done with her classes. Plenty to look forward to and to distract her with. A thought suddenly crossed her mind, and she cursed quietly. Her mom was still in Star, still with Laurel. Shit, she had forgotten about that. She really needed to call her later on. It had never been her intention to just shove her off to her sister. But so much had just happened in such a short amount of time, she had completely forgotten about her. She felt awful, like a horrible daughter, not that the feeling was unfamiliar, but it had been a while since she had last felt that way. Maybe she could spend tomorrow with her mom before she had to go back to Central City the day after. Might also help keep her distracted.
Ollie and she hadn't really agreed on Christmas slash birthday plans yet. They've brushed over the subject several times during their brief honeymoon period, but they hadn't really come to a serious and realistic agreement, so nothing had been decided. Not really. She had just let him know she didn't feel like making a spectacle out of either of those two events and would rather just spend it with him, alone. Ollie had agreed on the first part, but thrown in the possibility of them spending an hour at the small family gathering at Laurel's, that apparently had become a thing over the last few years. Not that it was realistic that they would only spend an hour there and not end up being stuck at her sisters for the rest of the day instead. But maybe she could give her mom this, make her less than appropriate behavior towards her mother the last couple of days up to her by giving her a Christmas with both of her daughters, for the first time in a good ten years.
She'd still prefer a quiet, low-key, stay at home, wearing sweats or in her case a pair of her pregnancy leggings and a shirt of Ollie's, kinda day, spending it curled up on the couch with him or maybe finish some more things to prepare for Mila's arrival, over a group event but it was important to their families to spend the day with them. Sara suddenly felt a pang at that knowledge. Wondering if she and Ollie would ever get the chance to spend Christmas and her birthday alone, just the two of them and their little girl. She doubted it. She closed her eyes for a moment at that realization, at the knowledge that they would most likely have to share the experience of Mila's first Christmas with their families. Not that she didn't love them or want them in their daughter's life. She did more than anything, but there were moments she didn't want to share with anyone but Ollie. Their little Hummingbird's first Christmas might end up being one of those. Well, it was still more than a year away, no point of worrying about that yet.
Sara walked to the kitchen and began to prepare breakfast for herself and Roy, enjoying his company once he had gotten up himself. He kept her entertained during breakfast with stories about some of the shenanigans the Legends had gotten into and the craziness that came with time travel. Sara gave him a tour of the apartment afterwards, especially the workout space on the second floor, certain he would appreciate being able to use it at some point during the day, she and Ollie had drilled it into his head regularly that training was key, keeping your body in tiptop shape was very important. They and with that their bodies were the weapon. Everything else was just a useful tool.
Sara watched Sin and Roy goof around, loved the way they interacted. They reminded her of her and Tommy, and she felt a pang at the thought that Sin had lost that when Roy had left. She was thankful that the friendship between Sin and Thea had blossomed and only gotten stronger over the years. It meant a lot knowing that the girl she considered a sister had a friend like Speedy. The thought of leaving Sin alone had always scared her, there had been so much potential of what could go wrong if she had to fend for herself again, and the last thing she wanted was for the young woman to just become another statistic, it was why she had asked Ollie to look out for her whenever she had to leave Star. But it wasn't the same as having Sin be a part of something more, and she didn't blame Ollie for the approach he had chosen when it had come to ensuring Sin's safety. He had kept his distance and kept his eyes on her from afar. It had made sense. She had been wary of him, both as Oliver Queen, Thea's older brother and the Arrow, Roy's mentor. She got that, especially given Sin's background. Plus, Sin had become Thea's friend, and Ollie wasn't going to infringe on that. Nor would it have made sense for him to hang out with a teenage girl. That would've been difficult to explain to Thea. And the press would've had a field day, probably turning it into something it wasn't, dragging Ollie and turning the situation into something that could've gotten him in trouble with the law. Never mind, put a spotlight on Sin she wouldn't have been comfortable with. Staying out of the constant spotlight the Queen siblings were in was a main reason why Sin had kept her friendship with Thea under the radar and usually hung out at places people wouldn't expect Thea to be at.
Abandoning Sin had come with a lot of guilt, guilt she was still feeling to this day. She had promised her she would never have to find out what she would do without her. A promise she had broken several times since then. Sara had meant it when she had said it. She had been so sure at that moment in time... she had been home. With Ollie they were building a life together, Laurel was coming around. The League had released her... she had dared to believe more than that she had been so sure she wasn't going to go anywhere. She was here to stay. Sara never made promises, even less the kind she had made to Sin. She had been so certain, so sure she'd be able to keep it, that things were looking up and that Ollie and she could finally get the chance to make it work. Like they had talked about on Lian Yu.
And then Slade had showed up. And everything she had dared to believe in, all the hopes, the plans she let herself make, got destroyed and what she wanted once again stopped to matter.
Sin had warmed up to her husband, though, and vice versa. She could easily recall the first time Ollie had replied to her mocking insult towards him in a similar matter. All tongue-in-cheek Ollie Queen as she had known him growing up. The look on the young woman's face had been priceless. Yep, Ollie was hilarious, as she tended to tell people. It wasn't her fault they didn't believe her.
Yep, that side of him had highly surprised Sin. But that moment had broken the ice and communication barrier between them and the young woman had started to look at him as an actual person and not just the two personas he represented or Thea's big brother and her ex. Plus it had made her realize Ollie wasn't all serious and stern all the time, as she had thought. It was kinda funny. That had been one of the things Sin had brought up regularly whenever they had been talking about Ollie and her and their numerous involvements; the brunette not really understanding what she saw in him, besides his hot body.
"But Sara, he's so serious all the time!" She had burst out laughing the first time Sin had brought that up, the younger woman obviously not knowing him the way she did. Of course, to be fair, anyone who didn't really know him or hadn't known him before could easily make that assumption. Ollie did seem stern and serious at first, second and probably third glance, which, sure, he was most of the time, sort of. But there was also the other side, the side that used to be the bigger one before the Gambit. His mischievous side. A side she cherished and loved. It had been present more and more lately. There were moments when they were how they used to be, just joking around, almost carefree. She loved those moments, had missed them dearly. And was so thankful to have them back. Sin's presence had helped with that.
Sara hadn't realized just how important it was to her for Ollie and Sin to get along until she had gotten up from a nap one day to walk in on the two of them sitting in the living room, both of them relaxed and joking around. She had felt a surge of warmth spread through her chest at the sight. It took a hell of a lot for Sin to let her guard down and she's had mixed feelings about Ollie from the beginning, not sure what to think of him.
Sin had taken to him now, though, seriously enjoying Ollie's dry sense of humor and quick wit. They usually communicated in friendly banter, laced with lots and lots of sarcasm.
It meant so much to her that the man she loved and was building a life with and the young woman she had chosen as her adopted sister got along, more than that even. She loved watching the two of them together whenever Sin dropped in and Ollie wasn't busy. He had begun to treat Sin similarly to the way he treated Speedy, and she loved him for it. Ollie was such a sweet, kindhearted person. He was making sure Sin knew she was a part of their family, and it meant everything to her.
Notes:
ahm.. yeah, this part sort of got away from me and was supposed to be something else entirely initially. Sorry!
as always I'd love to hear your thoughts on the chapter.
Sara is aware of her uncharacteristic behavior, lol.
And yes, Sin is a part of the Queen-Lance family. She has a key to their apartment and everything. Ollie buys food he knows she likes and keeps it at their place just in case she decided to drop in unannounced. Because that's the type of person Ollie is.
Chapter titel is from the song "The Colour Of My Love" by Celine Dion.