Notes:
This chapter was really difficult to write and I struggled to get it right, still not sure about it, but I figured it is as good as it will get.
I hope you guys like it.
Why would I wanna destroy somethin' I helped build? It wasn't my intentions, my intentions were good I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth
Felicity
She still wasn't sure if she was grateful for the distraction Laurel had created by showing up at the Arrowcave and giving them something to work on or not. Not that it was going to be easy, given the fact Oliver had destroyed all of her equipment and was now insisting they work from his apartment because of it. As if his apartment could provide her with anything even close to what he had just destroyed. Normally she would've argued with him and pointed out that her apartment was better equipped than his. But she was still severely shaken by the way he had spoken and behaved towards her and the last thing she wanted to do right now was bring back his ire, now that his focus was no longer on her but on Laurel and finding out the details concerning Joanna's disappearance. No, she was grateful he was no longer single mindedly focused on her and looking at her with this intense, analyzing stare that had sent shivers down her spine and made her afraid of a man she loved.
She was aware of what Oliver was capable of, of course she was, she had seen it with her own eyes on several occasions but… something was different now, something had changed, and it was hard for her to recognize the man she knew, the man she had been engaged to, inside of those icy, calculating blue eyes. Maybe it was simply that she had never before been at the receiving end of this version of him. Or that she had either been safely behind him, shielded from the danger, protected by what probably had been exactly that look, or too terrified from whatever danger she had been in to notice the way he was looking at the people responsible for her pain and fear. All she knew for sure was that it was terrifying to be on the receiving end of this side of Oliver.
Everything about him had screamed danger, from his eyes, to his stance,… no she wasn't willing to risk riling him up even more by pointing out the flaw in his logic when it came to his choice for relocating them. So, she kept quiet for once and just did what she was told, following in step. The car ride had been more than awkward, and it had been so very difficult for her to not start to babble as a means to ease some of the tension trying to suffocate her. She hated the quiet. She hated situations like these where the tension was so severe that it could be cut with a knife. Felicity had to bite her lip to keep her natural impulse of talking under control, but she felt way out of her depths, unsure of Oliver's reaction if she were to give into her compulsion. She suddenly felt like she didn't know the man currently weaving his way through traffic at all. She didn't know who he was and where she stood, where they stood. And this scared her almost more than anything. The one thing she'd always been sure of about Oliver was that he never spoke to her like he did others, that he never treated her like he did others, that he regarded her differently, treated her differently, that she was special to him, that he would never… act towards her the way he did today. Oliver had always been so careful and collected when arguing with her, the few times they had and he always ceased to her wishes in the end. Something she was almost certain would not be happening this time around and she wasn't sure why, what had changed. All she had tried to do was help.
Her entire worldview concerning Oliver had just been challenged at its core, and she wasn't sure what to do with it and how to behave. What was still appropriate and what was not anymore? Whether he'd react to her natural behavior the way he always had before, with bemused affection or not? Felicity couldn't remember the last time she had felt so out of her depths and shaken in her belief system. So she decided to not think about it for now. It was only making her question even more, and she wasn't ready to face the implications that came with Oliver's action towards her choices yet. So she focused on something else.
She didn't understand the thought process behind his choice in location. A choice she wasn't sure how to feel about, while getting out of the car and following them to the elevator that would take them up to his home. The uneasy feeling she's had from the moment he had told them they were going to go to his apartment was still there and refused to go away. It actually was increasing with every new number the floor indicator blinked up with. She couldn't get Oliver's words out of her mind.
"I have a very upset, pregnant Sara at home who just found out that she was betrayed, violated by someone she called her friend!" What had he meant with upset? There were so many ways Sara could be upset in and she felt horrible about it. It had never been her intention to upset or hurt anyone. It had never been her intention to break the trust Sara had had in her, according to Oliver. Something she hadn't even really been aware of. Sure, they'd hung out a couple of times after their trip to Central City, and Sara had been very pleasant. She had actually enjoyed her company and spending time with the other blonde. She wasn't sure why she had stopped their meet ups.
Well, that wasn't entirely true.
While Oliver had never actually physically been in the room with them whenever she visited Sara, his presence was all around them. He had usually spent the time of her visits working out on the second floor of the apartment, according to Sara. A part of her had always been relieved, but another part had hurt at his blatant show of avoiding her. The knowledge he wasn't even wiling to pretend in a private setting, unless it was a group event like Thanksgiving, hurt. He had been the one asking her to be friends and yet, here he was, the one avoiding her and not actually making an effort to rebuild their previous friendship. More than that, making sure they couldn't by staying as far away from her when she came to visit as his current home allowed. She really didn't understand him sometimes.
It had also been difficult for her, seeing all the little ways Oliver had made the apartment his. The pictures of his parents, Tommy,… scattered all around the living room, mixed in with some of the Lance family and the ones with both families in them had been the hardest and most obvious reminder of not only their shared past but also of how different he was in his current four walls opposed to the ones they had shared not that long ago.
"Oh, I think it's nice you put some family photos up, makes the room feel homier." Felicity looked around the living room, noticing the changes to the room since her last visit. Sara seemed to really put her own touch to the apartment.
"Actually, Ollie was the one who put them up. It was his idea, after he found a box of his stuff with family photos and memorabilia while going through the boxes he hadn't unpacked yet. He said he had put most of his stuff in storage, after Thea moved in with Laure, in case Speedy wanted to sell the apartment while you guys were building your life in Ivy Town. It had been one he had never gotten out of storage after you guys moved back here. It's important to him and he wants to make sure… family is important to him, always has been." That answer had surprised her. She hadn't expected that. Oliver wasn't the sentimental type. At least that had been her impression while moving in with him. Not the family part though, she knew his family was important to him.
There had been no photos of Moira Queen in either of the places they had lived in, and it made her wonder why. Not that she'd liked the woman, she had despised her, and Oliver had known that she'd never made any qualms about hiding that fact. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and a surge of guilt that had threatened to swallow her the first time she had realized that her open dislike of Moira might have been the reason Oliver had not put any photos of his family up in their home. She had to swallow hard and if Sara had noticed, she'd decided not to say anything. Something she had been very grateful for.
Oliver had been close with his family. He had loved his mother. And while it might have been difficult for her to understand, and still was, she had issues with both of her parents and hadn't been particularly close with her mom while growing up, there had been many reasons for that, none of which came even close to anything Moira Queen had done and yet Oliver had loved his mom, despite all that. Even after everything Moira had done, he had still loved her. She had struggled trying to figure out why… Thea's initial reaction to their mother's actions had been more understandable than Oliver's but even Thea had eventually forgiven Moira and Felicity just wasn't sure she understood why and how they were able to do that. Moira Queen had been a horrible person. She couldn't understand how two people as good, kind and just as Oliver and Thea could look passed that.
Maybe she shouldn't have been so outspoken about her dislike of his mother. She felt awful thinking that she was the reason he hadn't felt comfortable putting up reminders of his own mother. Not that she would've been comfortable looking at a picture of Moira Queen every single day. But she was his mother, and he had loved her still after everything she had done, and he had learnt about her for some reason. He shouldn't have felt like he couldn't have a photo of her in his home. He could've put it in his workout area. It wasn't like she had spent a lot of time in there. So, she wouldn't have been confronted with it regularly and it wouldn't have bothered her or made her uncomfortable.
Yet, Sara didn't seem to mind having Moira Queen's face all over a room she spent a lot of time in. She knew Sara hadn't been too fond of the woman herself, that there had been some issues between them she wasn't privy to. And still, the other blonde didn't seem to mind constantly being faced with the photograph and subsequent reminder of the horrid person Moira Queen had been.
Another reason she had stopped her visits was Sara herself, well more her physical appearance than her personality and how her steadily growing stomach was a reminder of what she had given up. What she had lost. What she could've had. Had she made another choice; she could be the one carrying Oliver's child, cementing their relationship and future together. And that knowledge almost hurt most of all. Every loving brush of Sara's hand across her stomach felt like someone was twisting her heart. Not that she felt ready to have kids, but... it just hurt. Especially being aware of Sara and Oliver's situation and knowing Sara was going to leave her child, yet she appeared to care deeply for it, at least given her behavior towards it. Something that was still confusing to her, even after talking to her mom and Dig and even Quentin.
She also couldn't get the sight and sound of their reunion in Central City out of her mind.
"I love you." Oliver's words had sounded like a statement, a fact, a promise, the nails in the coffin of any possible chance of a reconciliation on between the two of them. She had this feeling Oliver had signed his fate with that admission. She wasn't sure why. Felicity knew rationally that Oliver and Sara weren't an item and that Sara was going to leave once the baby was born, but even so, she was sure it wouldn't change anything for Oliver. She had this feeling that Oliver would either be with Sara now or spend the rest of his life waiting for her to return home to him and their child. She couldn't explain why she felt that way. Oliver had told her he loved her many times, but never the way he did to Sara in Central City. It had almost sounded like a vow, as if he were forever binding himself to her. And a part of her had wondered then and still did now, if his complete devotion to Sara, his willingness to completely bind himself to her, was because she was carrying his child. If he'd behaved the same way towards her, were she the one carrying his child? It was silly and pointless, she knew that, but she couldn't help but wonder sometimes.
And all of that had been before, before the unexpected visit from Dinah Lance who had shared the newest turn of events. Sara was going to stay in Star. She had decided to not leave her baby after it was born but to raise it with Oliver.
Her eyes strayed to the blinking numbers again, and their ascent led to her mind going back to the reason for her growing uneasiness and Oliver's words.
A very upset Sara. It could be anything within the range of a crying mess to the state Oliver had been in just minutes ago. And that knowledge terrified her. Sara could be very scary if she wanted to be. Part of her knew Sara was probably more dangerous than Oliver. She didn't shy away from killing if she deemed it necessary. What would she do to someone she felt had betrayed her? And what were Oliver's opinions on that matter? Felicity shook those thoughts from her mind. No, Sara was her friend. She would never hurt her. Sara was one of the kindest people she knew. There was a little voice all the way in the back of her mind quietly whispering, "what about the bloodlust?" she tried to push it away. Feeling like a traitor.
"… One of the first people she had been able to call a friend since the Gambit went down. Someone she trusted and shared some of the most traumatic experiences of her life with… Why would you do this to her? You know how private she is, how difficult it is for her to trust people, to open up and she did to you, so why would you add to her trust issues?" Felicity hadn't realized just what it had meant, Sara opening up to her and Dig. She hadn't been aware, back then she had barely known her, barely known anything about her and later, when she had gotten to know her better she had never thought back to those first conversations, to everything she had shared with them upon their very first meeting. She had no more time to think about all of this because the elevator doors opened and Oliver stepped outside, Laurel and Dig following him right away. Felicity hesitated for a short moment before stepping over the crack between the elevator and the building floor.
The moment she stepped over the threshold, she felt something was different. This wasn't the first time she's been at the apartment, but the usual slightly uncomfortable feeling was now full-blown anxiety, not knowing what to expect. Not after Oliver's behavior in the Bunker. She wasn't sure how Sara was going to react. Felicity knew the natural blonde a lot less than Oliver and he had completely taken her off guard with his actions today. She did not know what Sara might do or say to her.
Felicity watched anxiously as Oliver walked right up to the woman waiting just inside the corridor, placing his hand on Sara's stomach and kissing her temple, Sara stroking his hair for a moment before they separated, only for Sara to take hold of his hand shortly thereafter, before facing all of them head on. And she could feel her heart drop in her stomach from the worry and apprehension.
Diggle
He wasn't sure what the hell was going on with Oliver right now. Not that it was anything new lately. But this was taking it to a brand new level. He had been out of town for almost a week to seek an old mentor of his, because he believed he might get some information concerning Prometheus from them. Not that he had shared anything more than that. He hadn't even been aware that there had been yet another person who had trained Oliver during his time away. It made him wonder if it had been on or off the island. It surprised John that after five years of knowing Oliver, there was still so much he wasn't aware of, so much his friend hadn't shared with him.
John sometimes wondered why. Why Oliver still didn't trust them even after all these years. Why he still felt the need to keep things from them. To hide his past from them. Why he still wasn't letting them in. Oliver was his friend, his brother. He trusted him more than anyone else, at least most of the time. A sentiment he wasn't sure the other man shared. John was aware of the fact that Oliver had always had trust issues, and probably always will. Given everything he had been through, it was understandable. But he thought they had gotten past that, that Oliver knew he could trust him with anything. He may not always agree with him, but he would always have his back. No matter what. There had been a time he had been sure Oliver had known that and had trusted him as much as he trusted the Green Arrow. Now, now he wasn't so sure about that anymore.
They used to talk. About almost anything. The mission, family, love, sometimes even Oliver's past, but lately… Oliver rarely talked to him about anything that wasn't mission related and he wasn't sure why. Was it because he had someone else he could talk to at home? Was Sara the reason? John knew Oliver confided in the blonde, trusted her above all else. It was something that was a bit tough to swallow, but at the same time it made sense and was understandable given their shared past. Still, he'd thought there were things he'd probably need someone else to talk to, like Sara herself and their situation. He knew from experience that there were moments or situations he needed someone else but Lyla to talk to. Most of the time, it was Oliver he'd seek out in those situations. Something his friend used to do before and during his relationship with Felicity, but not since he had come back home with Sara. Oliver hadn't been seeking him out or really spent any personal time with him since Sara's return home. This made it hard not to blame her for what seemed to be a decline in his and Oliver's friendship and made him wonder if she played a bigger part than just being his choice in confidante in the entire situation.
He could easily recall Oliver seeking him out for advice concerning William and what he should do. The advice he had given Oliver was solid, and he still firmly believed in it, lived it with his baby girl every single day, even though Oliver had done the opposite but he knew his friend had considered his words and taken them to heart, he was sure of it now, even if he had doubted it for a while after he had sent William away and then been set on doing the same with his unborn daughter, only to change his mind and now do what he had told him to. Keep her safe by keeping her close.
He couldn't fault Oliver for spending most of his time at home with Sara, keeping her and their child safe. He got it, he really did. That wasn't the issue he was having. Yes, he was having issues with Sara, even though he had barely seen her in the good three months she's been back in Star City, but that wasn't what was bothering him right now. It was that Oliver had never really talked to him about his daughter, hell; he hadn't even been the one who had told him he was going to have a baby girl of his own. He still hadn't actually told him that. They had never talked about Oliver becoming a father soon. He had tried to talk to him several times from father to father-to-be, but Oliver had always found a way to not have that conversation and he just wasn't sure why.
But it fit the theme since he had brought the Canary home with him. While Oliver had shared details about his and Felicity's relationship and asked him for advice regularly, he kept as much as he could concerning his life with Sara as private as he could. And John wasn't sure what the reason was. He hoped Oliver had someone he did talk to about things concerning him and Sara who wasn't Sara herself, yes; it was important that the two of them talked given their situation, but it was also important that Oliver had someone else he could talk to about the very complicated situation between his pregnant ex and himself. A sounding board. Keeping everything inside wasn't healthy and did him no good.
While he had thought it might have been a good thing for Oliver to get some distance from Sara and their situation, especially after the way he had behaved shortly before he had left Star, he still wasn't happy about Oliver's lack of information or willingness to let him join him.
Lyla had been infuriating too, when he had shared his frustration at Oliver's lack of information and transparency with her. Taking the Green Arrow's side and pointing out that he might not want to share if it was only a hunch, and he didn't have anything substantial yet. Yes, that could be possible, but he still could've at least let him know where he was going and who he was meeting. He also didn't like the fact that Oliver was going alone. It was an unnecessary risk he was taking, one he shouldn't be taking right now. It wasn't just his life anymore; he had to consider. He was going to be a father soon. And his daughter would solely have him to rely on, with her mother still persistent on leaving once the baby was born, at least as far as he knew.
He shouldn't have been surprised since his wife's answer was similar to the one he usually got when he mentioned Oliver's lack of confiding in him, his refusal to talk to him about his home life. She'd just tell him to leave it be and have patience. To give Oliver time. To trust his friend and the fact that he was going to come to him when he was ready. That there was a lot Oliver was dealing with and everyone's process and way of dealing was different. To just hang in there and make sure Oliver knew he was there, if he needed him, that he was someone he could count on. Which was fine and made sense, but there was still a part of him that wondered if this was the actual reason or if it was something or someone else.
John was also pretty sure he knew who had received all the information Oliver had instead, and who was not currently a part of the team or helping them. He understood Oliver would let Sara know where he was going; she was his roommate and the mother of his unborn child; she had a right to that information, but he and the team had a right to it too, since it was concerning Oliver's safety and Prometheus and with that also their own safety and lives.
He had picked Felicity up at Palmer Tech, and they'd headed to the Bunker together. John had noticed that his friend had behaved differently for the last week or so, and he wasn't sure why. Every time he asked, she'd given him some bullshit excuse. So he had dropped it for now, but he worried about her. Something was bothering her, and he felt whatever it was, was something she was struggling with a lot. He really wished his friends would stop pushing him away and let him know what was going on. At least with Felicity he knew that she'd probably end up telling him once she had wrapped her head around whatever was occupying her thoughts and could put those thoughts and feelings into words. He was just surprised that it hadn't happened yet. Her feelings would usually tumble out of her in a ramble a lot sooner. This was something that made him worry about his friend even more.
It was while the elevator was still descending that he heard banging and crashing sounds come from inside their base, which ripped him from his thoughts. John made sure Felicity was safely behind him, placing his hand on his gun and getting ready to defend himself and Felicity if need be when the doors finally opened.
The last thing he'd expected to see was the sight that greeted him. For one, he hadn't been aware of Oliver's return and two, the complete destruction of their place of work. He watched his friend shove the computers on Felicity's desk roughly to the floor before flipping the tables over. John studied his friend's actions, his movements and facial expressions carefully. Something had happened. This wasn't what it appeared to be at first impression. Yes, there was anger, no uncontrolled fury in his movements, but it was more than that. His thoughts and analyzation had to wait for later because Oliver had noticed and was moving towards them, reminding him of a big jungle cat on the prowl, while angrily addressing the woman, still mostly standing behind him.
"Oliver, man, calm down. What has gotten into you?" He had no idea what his friend was talking about, but that wasn't what was important right. Not really. Oliver was way too upset to actually get him to answer any specific questions and the possibility of agitating him even further was greater than the chance to get an explanation. The problem was Oliver's current state of mind, given the scene they had walked in, yes an angry Oliver was always a potential danger, but he was usually in control of his fury and with that his actions and impulses, this was not a controlled Oliver, which made him very dangerous and unpredictable. So his primary focus had to be on calming his friend down and making sure he would not do something he'd end up regretting.
"Is this one of yours?" John saw the small device in Oliver's hand, recognizing it for what it was. His friend's accusatory words made little to no sense to him, though.
"Oliver man, calm down. You're tripping. Do you even hear yourself right now? You don't make any sense." Why would this belong to Felicity? Why would Oliver even come to such a foreign conclusion? Why would Felicity be bugging their own base? This made absolutely no sense. It made him wonder if it was possible that Oliver had been drugged once again? With something that would induce paranoia? It was a possibility he needed to keep in mind until he had more information and he needed to mentally prepare for that scenario, if it should be true. Just in case.
"John, stay out of this. Answer the damn question, Felicity! Is this one of yours? Or is someone else recording everything we say?!" He wasn't sure how much he liked just being dismissed like this, but he let it slide for now, keeping his eyes trained on the Green Arrow, studying him closely, still making sure he was in between the former couple, just to be on the safe side.
He perked up when Oliver brought up the cameras and Felicity confirmed she had changed the security system and the way Oliver had wanted it to be operated, a way that made perfect sense. What Felicity had done, especially not letting either of them know about the changes, wasn't a smart move. It was rather dangerous, actually. The least she should've done was inform one of them about the changes. Oliver was right, keeping all of those recordings was very dangerous and could potentially lead to a lot of problems for all of them.
He quietly took in the argument between them, listening closely and trying to make sense of it all. He winced at the tone of voice Oliver chose for calling her by the codename he had given her, leading to the suspicion there was even more going on than it seemed, that there was a deeper level to all of this. Something that really triggered Oliver to get him to this point. John had never seen Oliver talk to Felicity the way he was now, like he did with suspects, criminals even. It made him uncomfortable and his first instinct was to protect Felicity from Oliver, but given the information he had gained from their exchange, he knew things were a lot more complex and he was missing some crucial information, so he fought his instinct, and stayed passive, only willing to step in if he felt Oliver was becoming a physical threat to Felicity.
It didn't take long for his suspicion to be confirmed. What the… what would make Oliver come to that outlandish conclusion? Why would Felicity be spying on Sara? Sure, she'd been jealous of the woman at the beginning and been struggling with her presence in their lives, understandably so, given the entire messy situation, but… he hadn't finished the thought when Oliver continued debunking Felicity's accusation.
Oliver's words made him turn his head towards the woman next to him. He had never actually questioned how she had gotten those recordings. But his friend's state of mind, his emotional state, made so much more sense now. It all began to fall into place. Sara had always been the one person who could evoke strong feelings in Oliver without having to be present, simply the mentioning of her name was enough, John sometimes felt that if you said it the wrong way, Oliver would look at it as a personal slight towards the Canary and react accordingly, automatically going into defense or attack mode.
"Oliver, calm down. You weren't here, and there is a solid explanation for that. If you'd just give her a chance and let her speak." Yes, Oliver had a point and the right to question Felicity about the recordings, but he hadn't been here at the time. They had to make the decisions on how to proceed to beat Brick themselves. And he was trying to slightly defuse the situation again, because right now both parties were getting worked up and the last thing they needed was an explosion. Sure, there had been tensions between them for months, understandably so and he knew it was inevitable for them to end up addressing those and possibly end up in a fight, the problem was just it was one thing if it was solely about their private lives, it was an entirely different one now that it also involved the work that they were doing and Sara. It was a dangerous combination, and Dig still wasn't able to predict Oliver's reactions with anything related to Sara, especially if he felt she had been wronged in any shape or form. It made him unpredictable and extremely dangerous. Not that he really believed Oliver would ever hurt Felicity, at least not physically and not on purpose.
But that was still no reason to just stand by while Felicity might unintentionally end up poking the bear.
He was barely spared a glance when he was once again dismissed, this time around Oliver made perfectly clear that it was just between Felicity and himself, only that wasn't true. If it was solely about the situation he had mentioned, it would be between Felicity, Sara and Laurel and not really any of Oliver's business either, they all knew Sara was more than capable of standing up for herself, she didn't need Oliver to do it for her. And if it was about Felicity recording everything that was going on in the Bunker, it was something that concerned the entire team. But he knew better than to push the issue right now and end up being the one poking the bear himself.
Felicity's explanation made sense to some degree and her intentions were good, innocent in her eyes. Of course, she wouldn't consider the possible repercussions that could follow keeping those recordings, should they fall into the wrong hands. She was still very innocent and naïve, even after all the years they've worked together.
And yes, being suspicious and wary of Sara, back when she had first joined them, was very understandable, he had been too. Exactly for the reasons she pointed out, and several more that Felicity would've never even considered, not understanding enough of the darkness that was in the world and some of Sara's actions because of those. John winced when Felicity brought up the other women. Yes, she had a point, at least with Helena. Oliver's involvement with the Huntress and how that had gone south very quickly had been one reason he had been wary of Sara, but the way Felicity had delivered that reasoning and also lumped Isabelle in, took away from the point she was trying to make and made it sound more like she had been jealous and done it because of that. The reaction following that statement hadn't been surprising. He had expected it even.
The revelation that came with Oliver's explosion not so much though. But it helped him understand Oliver's overall state of mind even better now. Especially knowing about Sara's mental breakdown shortly after they had come back home and the physical manifestation of her feelings that had gone along with it and endangered both her and her baby's life. Yes, Oliver must be terrified Sara could fall back into a similar situation, given the way this was affecting her mentally and emotionally, understandably so. It was a delicate situation and a big mess from what he'd gathered from the conversation between his two friends.
"Did you record us while we were alone at the Foundry?" The tone of Oliver's voice cut him to the core, and the meaning and implications behind Felicity's thoughtless actions suddenly became so much clearer to him. Oliver and Sara had lived in the Foundry for weeks and they had all known it. The entire team. So that made it the equivalent of someone putting cameras and recording devices in his home without his knowledge. Shit. He was just about to turn towards Felicity when they got interrupted by Laurel's agitated voice.
Notes:
As always, I love to hear your thoughts.
I'm really not sure about Dig here and whether I got him right or not.
We got Felicity's pov here and the way she interprets the situation. While Oliver might not necessarily have chosen to spend time with Felicity, his actions are the same as they are when Lyla comes over to visit Sara. They came to see Sara so he provides them with privacy by getting his daily workout in while Sara has company. Just wanted to point that out. Perspective matters.
The chapter title is form the song "Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem.