CW: Thoughts of low self-esteem

Before we knew it, January was over, and it was February. I hadn't even realised that January was almost over until the first day of February when James woke us all up and announced that since it was the month of love, he had to begin planning how he was going to ask Lily to be his Valentine now.

"No one even celebrates Valentine's Day," Peter grumbled. "Plus, it's in two weeks. You didn't need to wake us up this early. It's Sunday."

"It's almost eight in the morning," said James. "Also, rumour has it there's waffles for breakfast this morning..."

"Really?" said Peter, perking up at the idea of waffles. "How sure are you?"

"Pretty sure," said James. "I heard the Head Boy talking about it yesterday at Honeydukes."

"Ooh, OK, let's go!" Peter said, getting out of his bed eagerly.

"There better be chocolate syrup," I murmured, climbing out of my own bed.

"So, what should I do for Evans on Valentine's Day?" James asked.

"Uh... chocolate, flowers, and a cheesy poem?" I suggested.

"But that's what everyone does," said James, rolling his eyes. "I've got to do something original... this is for Evans, not some random girl I slightly fancy."

"Well, if you're so in love with Evans, you should know what she'd want, right?" said Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah," said James as we came into the Great Hall. Sure enough, all four of the tables were stacked with waffles. Just the sight of it made me lick my lips and my stomach rumble.

The marauders walked over to the Gryffindor table and piled our plates with waffles, ice cream, and chocolate syrup. I took a huge bite, and it was like heaven in my mouth. Definitely worth the early wake-up.

"Anyway," said James after we'd finished with our silent praise for the waffles. "Valentine's Day. It's on a Saturday, and we're going to Hogsmeade that day. So, I'll buy something for Lily there, then find her, give her the gifts and my note, and ask her to go to Madam Pudifoot's with me, and be my Valentine."

"Sounds like a good plan," said Sirius, his mouth full of ice cream.

Valentine's day came a lot faster than any of us anticipated, and the night before it, James was panicking.

"I haven't made a good enough plan!" he said. "OK, I'll just play it cool, not try to seem too desperate to be her Valentine. And if she rejects me, I'll just brush it off. It'll be OK, right?"

"You'll be OK," I said, from my bed. Sirius, Peter, and I were all lying in our beds waiting for James to turn the light out and go to bed.

"C'mon, the sooner you go to sleep the sooner it'll be tomorrow," said Peter.

"I don't want it to be tomorrow," said James, but he switched off the light and climbed into his own four-poster. "But then I do at the same time... Oh well, goodnight boys!"

"Night James," Sirius muttered, and we all fell silent.

Remus Lupin,

I love you. I love you so much. I love you a ridiculous amount. I've loved you since first year, since the first day of first year. Since the moment I saw you. And since then, my feelings have only grown. I think about you more than what should be considered a healthy amount. I dream about kissing you all over your beautiful face, your extremely attractive eyes looking down at me. I dream about you and I doing some other things, but since I'm delivering this with one of the school owls and therefore anyone could get their nosy grubby hands on it, I will not say anything that is not safe for school.

I'd love for you to be my valentine!

From your secret admirer

I stared blankly at the letter that I'd received during breakfast on the morning of Valentine's Day. I had no idea who it was from, and I'd never seen the handwriting in my entire life.

It was probably some girl's idea of a joke, to pretend to like me and send me an anonymous letter to try and get me all excited, thinking that someone was into me.

If I'd received this letter a few months ago, I would have been absolutely flattered and believed that some girl actually had feelings for me. But now, after the prank, I believed that if anyone said they fancied me, it was not true.

But this girl, whoever she is, doesn't know that you're a werewolf, came a somewhat hopeful voice in my head.

Don't start to believe that someone could possibly love you anyway. It's been proved no one would have true feelings for you, came another, colder voice.

After breakfast, I binned the letter on my way back to the common room, and the marauders all ran up the stairs to our dormitory to put on our coats. It would be freezing at Hogsmeade today.

James stood in front of the mirror and messed up his hair while taking in nervous breaths.

"Well... let's do this," said James, and we all walked out together, and towards the entrance to Hogsmeade.

"See you guys in a minute," I said, walking over to where Filch and the other prefects were checking everyone's permission slips.

"When will you be able to come into the village?" Sirius asked.

"Quarter to ten," I said.

"Alright," said Sirius. "Meet at Zonko's at ten to?"

"Sounds good," I said.

"Can you ask Evans to go to Honeydukes after she's finished?" James asked.

"Sure," I said, and the other three left.

Half an hour later, Lily and I were walking into the village together, and I was telling her how James was waiting for her in Honeydukes.

"Ugh, I don't really want to see him," she said, "but I suppose I'll go if he's waiting..."

We split ways when we passed Honeydukes, and I continued walking down the street to Zonko's. When I entered the shop, I found Peter and Sirius there waiting for me.

"Hey, Remus," said Peter when I arrived. "Look at what Sirius just showed me! It could be great for a prank letter to Snape... it's this fake handwriting quill. It changes your handwriting to look however you want it to look!"

"Oh, really, that's cool!" I said, my brain already churning with ideas for a prank that we could do with that. A fake letter to Snape, perhaps about him being expelled or failing Potions... "We should buy this. How much is it?"

"I already have one," said Sirius. "I bought it last time we were here. It works quite well."

It took me a solid thirty seconds, but the realisation hit me like a bus by what Sirius was telling me.

He'd written the Valentine's note to me that morning. And he'd used the handwriting-changing quill to change his handwriting so I wouldn't recognise it.

Sirius was trying to tell me that, even after what he'd done back in December, he did love me.

I confronted Sirius about the letter that afternoon at the Three Broomsticks while Peter had gone to the bathroom.

"Yeah, it was me," he said. "I was starting to think you hadn't taken the hint I dropped when we were looking at the handwriting-changing quill in Zonko's."

"I did," I said. "But Peter has been with us all day, and I couldn't exactly say anything in front of him."

"So, what do you think?" Sirius asked.

"About what?"

"The letter," he said, looking me directly in the eyes, but I quickly shifted my focus to the half-empty glass of butterbeer in front of me. I would never understand how Sirius was so good at maintaining eye contact.

"I think... I don't know," I said, quietly enough so that no one else in the pub could hear me. "Why do you keep saying that you love me?"

"Because I do," said Sirius, his voice quiet as well. "I really, really do."

"You clearly don't." I didn't know why I was like this. I'd thought I'd gotten over the prank.

"I know I made it seem like I don't care about you, and I can't take back what I did to make you think that..." said Sirius, looking away for a second. I followed his gaze to see that Peter was walking back to the table we were at. "You don't need to believe me, love me back, or forgive me. I just wanted you to know that I really do love you."

I didn't respond to Sirius as Peter slipped into his seat. I just downed the rest of my butterbeer, then got up to order another one.

I spent the rest of Valentine's Day thinking about what Sirius had said. He, Peter, and I spent the afternoon sitting on a soft mound of snow we'd found, eating our way through the millions of sweets we'd gotten from Honeydukes. While Sirius and Peter had a conversation about who knows what, I found myself zoning out and thinking back to the days when I'd believed Sirius loved me.

Why would he be so insistent that he loves you now if he doesn't really love me? I thought. Maybe he does like you after all. He did make a mistake, after all. Wouldn't you just love to snog him again?

I opened another chocolate bar and looked at Sirius. He really was attractive. The way that his dark hair fell over his eyes and framed that perfect face. The way his striking grey eyes looked at me. The way he carried himself, with non-arrogant confidence that I could never achieve. The way his pale skin was smooth and unblemished, unlike mine. The way he...

"Remus? Can you hear me?"

"What?" I said, breaking free from my thoughts and looking at Peter, who'd spoken to me.

"I was just saying that it's almost four, we should get back to the castle," he said.

"Oh, OK," I said, helping them pick up the remaining sweets. "Yeah, of course."

The three of us walked back to the castle together, and as soon as we entered the castle, I saw James standing there waiting for us.

"So?" said Sirius. "How was your day?"

"We practically spent the whole day together!" James cried, taking a sweet from my hands and popping it into his mouth. "She thanked me for the chocolates I bought her. She was looking at clothes shops with Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, and Amy for most of the day, and I kind of just trailed along with them. And at the end of the day, Evans said 'thanks for being such a great friend'!"

"So, she friend-zoned you," said Peter glumly.

"Yes, but it's progress!" James cried happily. "And... and, and, and... there's going to be a party in the common room tonight! Fifth years and above only. A Valentine's party. Apparently, there's going to be a lot of snogging. We're playing spin the bottle."

"Ooh, really?" said Peter, blushing slightly. Did Peter... like someone? I didn't press it, though, as we entered the crowded common room full of students trying to warm up after a long day in the freezing village.

"Be ready to kiss me at the party tonight, Black," came a voice. We all turned around to see Emmeline Vance. I groaned internally.

"Um, maybe," said Sirius. "If the bottle lands on me when you spin it..."

"It will, don't worry," said Emmeline, wrapping her arms around Sirius, and I felt my insides burning at the sight of her display of affection towards him.

Was I jealous? Even after the prank? I shook my head and looked away from Emmeline and Sirius. I didn't care in the slightest.

But how the hell was I going to cope while watching Sirius kiss girls tonight!?