CW: Negative thoughts

The rest of November went by in a heartbeat, and all of a sudden it was the start of December, people were starting to talk about Christmas, and 1976 was almost over.

"Hmmm... '77," said Lily, as we did a prefect patrol together on the second night of December. "Two sevens, which is the lucky number. Does that mean it's going to be a lucky year?"

"Hopefully that lucky is You-Know-Who finally being defeated," I said.

"Oh, please, please, please," said Lily, sighing. "I'm done with this war. I'm done with being discriminated against because my parents aren't wizards, I'm done with You-Know-Who, the Death Eaters, with everything."

"Everything?" I repeated. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, not everything, obviously," she said, tugging at her hair. "Just... yeah. I'm being dramatic."

I felt like I should have said something, even if she was being dramatic. Lily wasn't my closest friend, but since last year when we became prefects together, I'd become closer to her, and she felt like a sister to me, so I felt sort of protective of her.

I didn't say anything, though, because I was a socially awkward dickhead, and we walked through the halls in silence for a little while.

"Are you doing anything exciting over the Christmas break?" Lily asked me after a while.

The only thing I had planned was going to see Sirius's cousin, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to keep that a secret. I didn't see why it should be kept a secret, but I didn't bring it up just in case. "No. Do you?"

"My sister's having an engagement party," said Lily. "On the twenty-second."

"Who's she engaged to? That guy... what was his name... Victor?"

"Vernon," said Lily, her voice glum. "He's awful, I can't believe she agreed to marry him."

"When's the wedding?" I asked.

"Next summer," Lily said, sighing. "My parents insisted on me being maid of honour, both Petunia and I don't want that, but... but I don't know. She's so young. She'll only be a month short of nineteen at her wedding."

"You're right, that's young," I said.

"Do you want to come to the engagement party?"

"What?" I said, sure she was joking.

"I could just really use a friend there... if you can't or don't want to come it's alright, don't stress about it."

"I mean, I'm free, but would your sister and Vernon really appreciate your wizard friend being there?" I said.

"We can pretend you're my muggle friend," said Lily.

"Yeah, alright," I said. "Sounds good."

"Really!?" said Lily, her eyes brightening.

"Yeah, why not?" I said.

"Thanks, Remus," Lily said, smiling.

The night before the last full moon of that year, I felt ridiculously sick, and just before we all went to bed, found myself running to the bathroom to throw up. And it was loud, too, so I felt even more embarrassed than I felt sick when the other three marauders came in to see me when they heard me vomiting.

"Moony?" said James, as the three of them entered the bathroom. Sirius walked over to the toilet and crouched beside me.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I said, wishing they'd all just leave so I could vomit in peace, without the humiliation of my friends watching me.

Sirius seemed to sense this as I retched into the toilet bowl again.

"You two go," said Sirius. "I'll stay and make sure Moony doesn't choke and die on his own sick."

"Alright," said James, "call out if you need us, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks guys," said Sirius, as James and Peter went back into the dormitory.

I tried to thank Sirius but threw up again before I could finish.

"Any idea why you're sick?" Sirius asked. "Eat something odd at dinner?"

"No, it's..." Vomit. "...the full moon..." Vomit. "...tomorrow night..." Vomit. "...just symptoms."

"Does this usually happen?" Sirius asked, and I shook my head.

"Usually more... more symptoms than... ugh, more than usual would mean the... the moon is going to be really bad..."

"Well, we'll be there," said Sirius. "It'll be alright."

I couldn't finish a response without throwing up.

"God, Moony," said Sirius, smiling at me and running his fingers through my curls. "Only you could look beautiful even while vomiting."

I half laughed but opening my mouth only caused more vomit to pour from my mouth. I felt disgusting, but Sirius somehow didn't think I looked disgusting. Or maybe he was just saying that to be nice.

My throwing up didn't calm down until it was almost midnight, and Sirius stayed by my side in the bathroom with me the whole time, until I was able to crouch over the toilet without throwing up.

"Do you think you can try going to sleep?" Sirius asked. I knew I'd throw up over all my bed, but screw it because I was at school and didn't have to clean my own sheets.

Sirius took my hand and walked me over to my bed, and even opened the curtain for me. I really wanted to kiss him, but I knew even though I'd wiped my face in the bathroom, my lips would be disgusting, and didn't want to put Sirius through that torture.

I climbed into the four poster, still nauseous, and smiled at Sirius, even though he wouldn't be able to see it in the dark. "Thank you so much, Padfoot."

"Not a problem," said Sirius. "Do you want me... do you want me to stay here? With you?"

If it wasn't dark, Sirius would have seen my face turn the same colour as the curtains of the four-poster.

"Don't I smell like sick?" I said, even though what I really wanted to do was scream, YES! then drag him in with me and then tear each other's clothes off and oh, god...

"I don't mind," said Sirius. "If it's OK with you, I'd stay here..."

"It's OK," I said, resisting the urge to say it was more than OK.

He climbed in beside me, then pulled the duvet over us and gripped my hand, and put his head on my shoulder, and I kissed the top of his head.

"Ah, Moony!" Sirius whisper-cried suddenly. "Please, I love you... but after vomiting, not the hair. Please. Anywhere but there."

I laughed and removed my face from his hair. "OK. Sorry, Pads."

"I love you," said Sirius, coming closer to me.

"I love you too."

The vomiting continued during the last class of the next day, which was the day of the full moon. It was the Potions block, so Sirius was in class, but James and Peter both had a spare like me, and the two of them were helping me while I retched into the toilet this time.

It was nothing like with Sirius, in fact, it was kind of embarrassing. But everyone knows how horrible throwing up on your own is, which is probably why they were keeping me company. When the bell to signal the end of classes for the day went, I heard Sirius's voice five minutes later.

"Where are you guys?" he called out from the dormitory.

"Padfoot, we're in the bathroom!" James called out, and Sirius came flying in within seconds.

"I've got this, guys," he said to James and Peter, who both left, and then he walked over to me and ran his hand along my back. "Awww, Moony... does this mean we're in for a rough night?"

I nodded and retched up yet another stream of vomit.

"It'll be alright... I promise, we'll all be there and none of us will get hurt," said Sirius, moving his hand from my back to my hand, then squeezing it.

As usual, I didn't remember anything about the full moon after the transformation, which was one of the most painful transformations I'd ever experienced.

But the next morning, when I transformed back into myself, I wasn't in the shack, I was on the grass. It took me a minute for my thinking to return to normal, and realise that this meant we'd left the shack at one point during the night.

I looked up from the grass slowly to look at Sirius, James, and Peter. "How long were we out of the shack for?"

"Since about one in the morning," said James. So over five hours!? I would have killed someone in that time. "Moony, we didn't see anyone. You were just... really restless in the shack, you wanted to leave..."

"So you let me." I tried to swallow, but I couldn't.

"We didn't see anyone, we stayed in areas where there would be no one," said Sirius.

"But what if we had seen someone, and I'd killed them?" I said.

"I don't think you would have. You seemed really happy to be out," said Sirius. "We were playing tag."

"Guys, Pomfrey's going to be here soon, Remus, you need to go back to the shack," said James. "We'll talk about this when you come out of the Hospital Wing this afternoon."

"Fine." I turned away from them and speed-walked towards the shack, not looking back. I couldn't believe them. I'd constantly told them I didn't feel comfortable leaving the shack, and that's exactly what they'd done, let me out when I didn't have control over myself.

Once I was in the shack, I lie down on the dusty, wooden floor and bit the inside of my cheek while I waited for Madam Pomfrey.

"You liked it! I promise you, I've never seen you that happy in your wolf form, Moony!"

"I could have killed someone. Or worse, turned them into a freak like me!"

"Hey, that's not worse than death."

"Yes, it is. It is, you don't know what it's like."

"So what, you wish you were dead?"

"Yeah, maybe I do!"

I stormed into the bathroom and locked the door. The marauders were just trying to help me, and now I was guilt-tripping them and yelling at them. I was a horrible person.

And now, here I was, slumped against the toilet door trying not to cry, like a stupid toddler having a stupid temper tantrum.

You're going to be an adult in a few months. Grow the hell up.

Since I was a stupid toddler-like person, I slept in the bathroom that night just because I needed to calm myself down before I could speak to the marauders again. I skipped both dinner and breakfast the next morning, so when I walked into Herbology, I was starving.

Thankfully, at lunch, as I ate enough food for two people, I came to my senses and made up with the marauders. They convinced me how much better for me they thought leaving the shack would be for me, and how they only wanted to help, so I finally agreed that from now on, we'd all leave the shack, but they would make sure no one could get hurt, and if anyone did, we'd go straight back to the shack and stay there for every full moon until we graduated.