Note: Written for the Cards Against Humanity Fest for FB page Hermione's Nook.
Heard of Cards Against Humanity? Well, Harry Potter-ize it, then make a crackfic out of it and here we are!
This was my prompt: "The Quibbler rejected my story about - Dumbledore entering a Gandalf the grey lookalike contest"
I don't know how cracky it is, but I hope you enjoy.
OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
The Hogwarts gang gathered at the Cackling Cat wizard pub most Friday nights, crowded around a long table at the back.
Going anti-clockwise around the table sat George, Seamus and Dean, Pansy, then Blaise and Luna. Up the other side were Ron and Hermione, Harry, Draco, and finally Ginny and Neville.
They were usually a lively bunch, though tonight their merriment was slightly muted by the bad news Neville just delivered.
"The Quibbler rejected my story about Dumbledore entering a Gandalf the Grey lookalike contest." Neville sighed into his pint, then took a large gulp.
"But you got it straight from the man himself," Dean objected. "Well, his portrait, anyway."
The group turned toward Luna, sipping on her Bloody Mary.
She nodded. "Daddy thought your article was well written and very amusing, they just had too many submissions of that same story. Apparently, once his beard was long enough it became a kind of hobby for him to enter those contests."
"Like his knitting!" Harry chimed in and Luna pointed at him with the celery stick from her drink in confirmation before wiping it off and sticking it behind one ear.
The table gave a collective "Ahhh!" at the explanation and turned back to Neville.
He shrugged and nodded, but still looked so forlorn Ginny grabbed his face and kissed both cheeks, which made him laugh. The mood lifted considerably and they all laughed along as Ginny nudged him repeatedly in the side with her elbow. He made as if to tickle her and she jumped away, bumping into Draco and sending his nose into the foam of his beer.
He swore viciously, glaring over his shoulder at the snickering redhead, who had taken the opportunity to leap into Neville's lap and cling to him in mock fear.
Neville held her to him firmly with one hand at her waist and waved a butter knife at the Slytherin with the other, prompting mournful cries of "Mercy, O Mighty Snake Killer!" from Blaise and Pansy and bows of reverence from the Gryffindors on the other side of the table.
Draco rolled his eyes at them all, wiping his face. Harry reached over and rubbed a broad thumb over the top of his lip. Stunned, Draco watched him lick the alcohol from his thumb and felt his pulse start to pound. Harry winked and Draco felt his loins tighten in response. He schooled his expression and raised a haughty brow, which only made Harry grin and drink deeply of his beer to get his own foamy lip then raise a brow in clear challenge.
Neither of them noticed the table go quiet, eyes darting back and forth between them as if as a tennis match.
Draco narrowed his eyes and pinched Harry's chin between his thumb and finger to hold him still and swooped down to lick the foam from Harry's lip with a long stroke of his tongue. He lifted his head to check Harry's reaction and felt rather smug when the Chosen One only blinked through glazed-over eyes.
Which lasted mere seconds as Harry surged up to plant a great sucking kiss on his mouth, knocking the breath from Draco's lungs and the pint from his hand, which Ginny caught handily, raising it in victory as the table erupted in cheers and groans. Again, neither of them noticed the money changing hands from the bets made on when they would finally get a clue, too busy snogging each other silly.
Pansy held up her winnings and declared the next round on her and basked extravagantly in the waves of kisses being blown her way. Soon, everyone had a fresh drink of their choice and Seamus picked up an earlier thread of conversation.
"Shouldn't they be havin' lookalike Dumbledore contests now? Who fuckin' cares about Glandorf whatshisname, anyway?"
"Oh, but they do over in Leeds!" a passing barmaid piped up behind him. "Every Friday in August at the Dove & Dragon! A nice long beard and those twinkling eyes, you'd be a shoe-in, love!" She ran her finger along his jaw and bopped his nose before bouncing away. Seamus watched her go with hearts in his eyes.
George thumped the table, making several glasses and their owners jump. "That's an idea! We can have of of those at Wheezes, judge some Harry Potter lookalikes to promote our new line of enchanted action figures! Give one away as top prize. What do ya say, Harry?"
Finally coming up for air from Draco's kisses, Harry pointed at George and gave an emphatic "NO! No, no, never again!" then clamped his hand over his mouth at what he just revealed.
The table, as one, perked up and focused on him like a pack of hunting dogs on a scent.
George's grin was sly, "Again?" The rest of the group also made inquiring noises, including Draco and Harry refused to look at him.
Hermione, sitting to his left and sucking down the last of her third strawberry daiquiri, started to giggle the way she did when she was more than halfway pissed and Harry knew she was seconds away from spilling everything.
Harry put his head in his hands. "Fuck."
Ron looked between his best friend and his fiancee, confused, "What? What'd he do? And why don't I know what he did?"
Hermione leaned back against him and waved her empty glass wildly toward the despondent Harry; the tiny umbrella flew out and bounced off his head onto the table where Luna snatched it up and put it behind her other ear.
"Oh Ron it was the best thing! The best most perfectly awful thing I ever saw in my life! Oh Harry!" Hermione's giggles cut off with a snort and she slapped her hand over her face and began hissing behind it.
"Oh God," Harry groaned.
"Come now, Potter," the deep voice of Blaise beckoned. "Confess your sins and we shall be merciful." Harry didn't have to look to know Zabini had a wicked grin on his face.
Several voices began to whisper-chant Confess Confess Confess; Harry whimpered pitifully.
"Did our Golden Boy impersonate himself at a Harry Potter look alike contest?" Pansy purred from behind her martini.
"He didn't! You didn't!" Ron gasped over at his friend.
"HE DID!" Hermione sang out with drunken glee.
"Why on earth-?" Ron started but Hermione cut him off.
"He bet me." She placed her daiquiri glass down on table with the exaggerated care of the slightly soused. "Said my bill on reforming the werewolf statute wouldn't go through. MY bill!"
Shaking heads and tsking sounds followed in admonishment for such folly.
"Why on earth-?" Ron started again in reaction to that statement, this time interrupted by George.
"Nevermind all that! The contest, Potter, spill it!"
Harry just shook his head against his hands. Hermione pushed against his shoulder with rather more force than she intended, almost sending him into Draco's lap, which he wouldn't have minded except for how Draco chuckled under his breath at him. He glared at both of them. They both ignored him. He threw back his firewhiskey and raised his hand to signal for another.
The contest, Hermione cheerfully explained in slightly slurred speech, was held in Hogsmeade at the Three Broomsticks, with several kids and adults dressed up as the Hero of the Wizarding World. As part of losing the bet, Harry had to make his best effort, so he put on his old Quidditch uniform and carried his Firebolt.
Then they had a round of trivia questions to single out the most knowledgeable and reward the top three that answered the most correctly.
"So what did you win, Harry?" Luna inquired sweetly, shaking more Tobasco sauce into her fresh drink.
Harry mumbled into his hands.
"What was that?" Seamus put his hand to his ear and leaned over the table, grinning widely.
Harry sighed, cleared his throat, and spoke up, "I didn't. I placed third."
The table erupted in gasps of shock and shrieks of laughter. Harry rolled his eyes and thumped his head down on the table in shame.
Hermione fell against Ron in a fit of giggles, almost sending him off his chair. Her head landed in his lap, where she continued giggling into his crotch and Ron leaned back, unsure if he wanted to help her up or enjoy the moment.
Wolf whistles from the Dean/Seamus/George side of the table had him sticking two fingers up at them and pulling her back up into her chair, where she promptly tipped the other way and snorted with laughter against Harry's shoulder.
"How could you lose? YOU'RE THE REAL HARRY POTTER!" thundered George.
Harry sat up and threw up his hands. "That trivia game was ridiculous! They asked stupid things like what's Harry Potter's favorite dessert?"
"Treacle tart," the table answered as one.
Harry blinked, then shrugged. "Yeah, alright, but everyone knows that. Then it was all what's his favorite color? how does he eat his eggs? who was his first kiss? boxers or briefs? coffee or tea? On and on! And when I answered them, half the time they told me I was wrong. ME!"
"And you were beaten by two fake Harry Potters?" Ginny asked, reaching over for Pansy's discarded martini olives and popped them in her mouth.
"First place went to a fellow that thinks Harry wears briefs, likes coffee and poached eggs and that I was his first kiss!" Hermione paused and shared a grimace with Harry at the thought. "Must have committed every awful Rita Skeeter article to memory."
"And second?" Blaise prompted, his voice as deep and smooth as the red wine in his glass.
"Oh he was just the cutest thing!" Hermione cooed. "Little robe and teeny tiny Gryffindor tie, curly black hair and these plastic frames perched on his nose that kept going crooked. Waving his little wand at everything shouting Sparmoose! Sparmoose! How old was he again, Harry?" She pinched at his shirt and tugged.
Harry hung his head, "Two."
If it was possible to die of laughter, several of those gathered were well on their way. George was already on the floor rolling around like a madman. Dean and Seamus clung to each other to keep from falling out of their seats. Ginny and Pansy were slumped over the table, cry-laughing into their elbows.
Harry looked up at Draco, at his pursed mouth and twinkling silver eyes and shook a finger at him, "Don't you dare!"
Draco caught that finger, brought it to his mouth and nipped at the end. Harry stared at that mouth, suddenly feeling much better. He stood and pulled Draco up with him, then turned to address the table.
"You are all horrible people and I love you all. Except you." He bent down and pressed a kiss to Hermione's head. Hermione kissed her fingers at him in return and snuggled back against Ron, pulling his arms around her.
Ron winked at Harry over her curls. "'First to leave!'" he quoted, as per custom.
"'Last round on me!' Harry finished with a wink and pulled Draco out the door as his friends cheered behind him.
OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO