AN: Enjoy a nice Monday-chapter. I came back from a few days of vacation yesterday which means I didn't have time to answer many comments the past week but I'm working on it. :D
It's 'mind-journey'-time. Let me indulge in this trope for a chapter. :D
Also, Nightwing/Wally-developments are going strong. They are in their awkward-exes era. Not fun for them but fun for me (and hopefully for you, too). The awkwardness is too delicious. ;)
Warnings for: References to self-harm (basically to the kind Nightwing has been doing for two fanfics now so you should be fine if you made it until here on this train of pain).
32. Circus
"Ready?", M'Gann asked.
Damian nodded, as did the others. M'Gann turned to Nightwing. Her eyes glowed. A ray of green energy pulsated from her, reaching Damian's head. He stayed still, despite his apprehension at the approaching energy. It touched Damian's head, making him feel disembodied.
There was a faint tickling permeating his entire being as Damian's mind was disconnected from his body. He squinted his eyes shut and bore the feeling like an al Ghul.
When Damian opened his eyes, he was standing between two stone walls. The walls never seemed to end, branching off into different paths at one point. Batman, the alien and West were beside him. They were looking around, orienting themselves
"It's the Court's labyrinth", West said, "Shit. I had hoped we would never need to return."
Damian frowned. He had researched the Court. Talia had visited it once and Damian had asked her for her insight. She had told Damian how undignified the whole affair was. A group that followed no code of honor unlike the League of Shadows.
Damian had felt superior after hearing his mother's explanations. Secure that the degenerate Court would never pose a threat to the League of Shadows.
Being here was different. The degeneracy only made the Court feel more threatening. It made Damian feel as if he himself was prey.
He could imagine the Court's enemies being hunted through here, slowly being driven insane by hunger, thirst and despair. Damian hoped they would not need to remain here much longer.
"It's his mental defense", M'Gann turned to the stone walls next to them, touching the material.
The stone was brittle. It crumbled under her fingertips, fragments dropping onto the ground.
"I could just tear through these walls", M'Gann said, "They are exceptionally weak. But I would destroy his mind with them – leave it completely unprotected. So, we need to walk through here and find a way out. We need to find him."
"Do we need to be concerned that he chooses thisas his mental defense? That can't be healthy, right?", West said.
"The mind chooses what it knows", M'Gann said.
West didn't look reassured. Damian didn't either. He could not imagine knowing this labyrinth so well to choose it as a mindscape. Or maybe Nightwing hadn't chosen it. His mind had just subconsciously built it.
Batman already started walking. He pulled a crayon out of his utility belt.
"We're going through", Batman said, "The marking will help us to not get lost."
"Wait, Bats", West took the crayon out of Batman's hand, "Let me do this more efficiently."
He ran off, leaving a little shockwave behind. The momentum made parts of the walls crumble off. Damian had never seen a speedster in action. He hadn't expected their powers to carry so much force.
"Be careful, Wally", M'Gann yelled after him, "You're destroying his defenses if you go too fast."
West returned after a few seconds, returning the crayon to Batman: "I've marked every single wall, but I can't find the exit."
"He isn't letting you through", M'Gann said.
"That's ridiculous", West's face fell, "He loves me."
It sounded more like a question than a certainty.
"We don't know", M'Gann said, "He could have a variety of reasons for shutting you out. Maybe he won't let anyone through."
Damian scoffed. The alien's defense was flimsy and they all knew it.
West lowered his head: "You don't need to cuddle me, M'Gann. I shut him out to protect myself and he may be doing the same now. I just hope someone else gets through to him."
Batman strolled past them: "We're finding the exit the old-fashioned way."
Batman was an image of pure determination. Damian observed the certainty with which he walked, imitating it to the best of his abilities. He could see now why Talia had described Batman as the pinnacle of humanity.
Damian looked up, at the black stone ceiling. It was high but Damian still felt like it was pressing down on him. He couldn't imagine being captured here for years. No wonder the crea- Nightwing was like he was.
It felt wrong to call Nightwing a creature now. Damian had been nothing but hostile to him, but Nightwing had still sacrificed his own freedom and sanity in an attempt to stay with Damian and to keep him alive. No one had ever sacrificed anything for Damian in the League except maybe his mother. Sacrifice had no place in its cut-throat environment.
And then there was the fact that Damian was literally standing in Nightwing's mind. A creature wouldn't have such a complex mindscape. But it was still marred with scars. These brittle walls spoke of someone who was barely holding himself together.
Damian could relate to that feeling more than he wanted to admit. The mental attack had been a brutal reminder of Damian's own guilt.
Before the attack, Damian had seen those he had slayed as weak. They had submitted to Damian's superior skill and intellect. Those who submitted deserved to die from dishonor.
But after he had been tormented by their pain? Damian wasn't so sure anymore. He had felt what he had done to these people. The sensation of their last moments as their bodies struggled for breath.
It had left a phantom pain deep in Damian's bones that he couldn't shake. Maybe those victims Damian had prevailed over were weaker than him. But did a human deserve such pain just for the crime of being weak?
By that logic, Damian deserved death because Talia had defeated him in combat every day. And Nightwing - he had bested Damian with little to no effort after Damian had challenged him.
It irked Damian. He was supposed to be the strongest. The apex predator. But he wasn't. There were people who could kill him – Talons who could kill him even if Damian had not considered them worthy at all. They could inflict this pain on him if they wanted to.
But Nightwing had not wanted to. He had chastised Damian without physically punishing him. It was confusing. Even Talia had defaulted to whipping as her go-to punishment. Damian still had the scars all over his bodies. He had seen it as natural. As necessary to turn him into the apex predator he needed to be. But maybe it wasn't necessary?
Or maybe Damian deserved it because he had killed? His mind had become twisted since the attack. Felt and thought of things Damian had never considered before. Damian cursed Themis for it.
Joining this rescue attempt was a shot in the dark. It had felt right to insist on joining. A way for Damian to settle his debt with Nightwing. But there was also something else: Father had implied that Nightwing understood.
Themis had attacked them both for being killers. Nightwing had been conditioned young just as Damian had been. If Nightwing was lost, Damian would be, too. He could already see himself just like Nightwing. Suffocated and pushed to insanity by his own sins. Damian needed to know that it was possible to come back from that. He needed Nightwing to show him – even if he would not admit it under threat of murder.
Father's hand landed on Damian's shoulder and ripped him out of his thoughts: "You need to focus. We need to be prepared."
Damian looked up at him, trying to sound more confident than he felt: "Relax, Father. These are simply old crumbling walls. As the alien has stated, Nightwing's defenses are weak."
"He could have some more hidden defenses", M'Gann said.
"I didn't trip on any during my little run", West said.
"Maybe he still loves you more than you believe", M'Gann said, "He could be protecting you because he doesn't view you as a threat."
"None of us are a threat to him", Bruce said.
M'Gann stayed quiet.
"I don't know, Bats. He loves you, but you're pretty controlling", West said, "I wouldn't want you in my head if I was Nightwing."
M'Gann looked at him as if she couldn't believe he had just said that to Batman of all people.
"What?", Wally shrugged, "I'm just telling the truth."
Batman glowered at Wally: "At least I didn't abandon him when he needed me."
"That's not fair, Bats", Wally said, "I was as supportive of him as I could be. But I had to leave him for my own wellbeing."
"And now he doesn't trust you enough to let you in. Sounds like you failed as his boyfriend."
The tension could be cut with a knife, amplified by the oppressive walls. West balled his fists. He looked like he wanted to throttle Batman.
Batman ignored him. He continued marking the walls while they crossed the labyrinth.
"At least, I didn't lie to him", West said, "I didn't restrict his freedom under the guise of protection. And you called me because you failed, Bats. Maybe you should remember that."
"Fighting doesn't help", M'Gann said, "Those negative emotions you build up are only going to hurt his mind more."
Batman and West glowered at each other.
"I can still find the exit", Batman accelerated his pace, leaving them behind him.
M'Gann sighed. They had to hurry to keep up with Batman.
"Guys", M'Gann halted after a while, "I feel the atmosphere in his mind shifting. I think he feels threatened."
Another glare between West and Batman.
"Don't look at me like that", West said, "I was far deeper into this labyrinth on my own and he never felt threatened. It has to be you, Bats."
"No", M'Gann said, "It's me. He senses that I still hate him for what he did to the Team."
"Well, then turn it off", West said, "We can't afford-"
He was cut off by the ground shaking under them. Someone had landed in front of them. Damian froze when he saw the figure coming out of the shadows. She was the Amazon who had visited Nightwing. One of his friends.
"Donna Troy?", Batman sounded surprised.
Damian looked closely at the Amazon. She was in a fighting stance, ready to attack them. A shiver ran over Damian's neck. He had never fought an Amazon but even an al Ghul was humble enough to know they were not to be trifled with.
M'Gann hurried out of the way as Donna leaped towards her. She narrowly dodged a punch.
"But Donna didn't come in with us", West said.
Damian rolled his eyes. Leave it to the speedster to state the obvious.
"It's not the actual Donna", M'Gann shoved Donna back a few steps with her telekinesis.
Donna resisted, stemming her muscular legs into the floor. Stone crumbled under her feet.
"It's one of Nightwing's mental defenses manifested as Donna Troy."
"Why manifest Donna of all people?", West asked.
"Apparently, he trusts her to protect him", M'Gann said.
Donna's foot lashed out, kicking M'Gann into the stomach. She yelped as she was thrown back, crashing into one of the walls and making it crumble over her.
Donna turned to Batman. He tried to leap over her, but Donna flew up and pulled him down. She slammed him into the floor and held him down with her foot on his chest.
Batman took out an explosive Batarang.
"No explosions", M'Gann yelled, "Donna is as much a defense mechanism as these walls. We can't hurt her. We just have to trust that she won't hurt us too badly."
Batman lowered the Batarang.
"So, we're just letting her curbstomp us?", West said.
"We have to roll the dice. If we were the right people, she wouldn't curbstomp us", M'Gann was still pushing rubble off her body.
West ran off again. He returned after a few seconds, running a hand through his hair: "I still can't find the exit."
Donna looked at West. There was no aggression in her stance. But she took out her lasso and threw it at West. The lasso engulfed him. West tried to run but the magic lasso glowed and held him back. He didn't seem to be in any pain. The attack had been far less aggressive than towards M'Gann and Batman. The speedster was just prevented from venturing any further.
He frowned at fake-Donna: "I can't read you. What do you need?"
Naturally, West got no answer. Damian doubted that Nightwing could speak through fake-Donna. She had to be a manifestation of his subconscious.
"We need different people", Batman was still on the floor, Donna's foot holding him down, "Maybe we can get the real Donna Troy. He should let her in if he trusts her to protect him."
"Or Jason", Wally said.
The tension in the room flared up. Batman's face darkened.
"Todd betrayed him", Damian said, "By the rules of the mind, he should be prevented from getting through."
Gazes turned towards Damian. The others looked as if they had forgotten that Damian was here. Damian huffed. Such disrespect.
"He is Nightwing's little brother though", West said, "If Nightwing loves anything, it's playing big brother."
"And big brothers don't hurt their younger siblings", M'Gann turned to Damian.
Damian raised his chin, trying to look taller than he felt.
"She isn't attacking you, Damian", Bruce said.
Damian frowned. He had simply expected fake-Donna to not have noticed him yet. But her eyes rested on him. Damian could read no intention to attack him in her body. Her foot was still on Batman's chest and her hand around the lasso. M'Gann hadn't even tried to get up again. She was aware that she had already been rejected.
"You need to go, Damian", M'Gann said.
"Me?", Damian froze.
He had accompanied the mission on a hunch. Simply for his own heavy conscience. He had expected Batman or West to have the special connection needed.
"Yep", West smiled, "You have those little brother-privileges."
"Go, Damian", Batman said, "Get him back."
Damian swallowed, feeling all the responsibility on his shoulders. But he nodded and straightened his back. Nightwing had decided that Damian was the most suited for the mission so Damian would fulfill it.
He hurried through the labyrinth ignoring the dread in his stomach now that he was alone. He was an al Ghul. He was a Wayne. He should be brave and virtuous. But he was still scared of what he would find.
Damian reached another corridor. This one seemed different. There was warm light at the end. Damian ran towards it.
The labyrinth broke open and gave way for a sunny field. Damian's breath hitched when he noticed that he had truly been the one. It made no sense. Damian had treated Nightwing like lower than dirt. There was no reason the man would let him into his most vulnerable space when he didn't even let in his father and his beloved (or ex-beloved? Damian wasn't sure what had transpired there, and he didn't want to know because gross).
Damian crossed the field. His head craned up, noticing a giant, colorful tent. Damian had never been to a circus, but he had heard of them. Children's activities that were deemed below an al Ghul.
The field grew more occupied as stalls and carts advertised various foods and games. Everything was a little bit blurry and sparse. Damian crossed a booth to shooting for prizes. If Damian looked closer, there actually were no prizes hanging at the booth. An ice cream stand without ice cream. A complete lack of people.
"It's a memory", Damian muttered.
Talia had told him of Father's Talon. Born as Richard Grayson in a travelling circus. Taken by the Court after his acrobat parents had been disposed of. All the Talons had been performers and athletes once. Child prodigies in their field. The Court reaped only from those most suited for its purposes.
Damian frowned. Nightwing should not remember this. The Talon's past lives were deleted from their minds. Something that Talia found distasteful.
"We must know our heritage to know where we want to go, Damian", she had always said.
It was ironic that she had concealed the identity of his father for so long. Damian should be angry at her, but he simply found himself worried for her. He hoped that he would see his mother again.
Damian entered the circus tent. A child was swinging on a trapeze in the middle, his mother catching him. The trapeze was low, obviously set up for a child. The boy was tiny even to Damian, but Damian begrudgingly had to admit that his form was already nearly impeccable.
The mother pulled the child close, looking down at him with a deep love on her features. It was the same expression that Damian caught on Talia's face in those rare moments when they were alone and allowed to let down their guards.
The pair was not alone. Damian noticed someone sitting cross-legged at the edge of the sandy circle, watching them. The figure looked washed-out. A dead man walking. Nightwing.
Damian approached him and sat down next to him. He expected Nightwing to be volatile. To attack Damian for trespassing into his memory. But Nightwing simply stayed where he was. He was drawing symbols in the sand absentmindedly. His gaze remained on the mother and her child. A content smile on his face.
"You ever go to circus, Damian?", Nightwing asked.
"No. I am afraid not."
"So, it your first time", Nightwing looked excited, "It my first time, too. At least first time I remember."
Damian stayed quiet. He was not known for his people skills. Developing them had been viewed as beneath him. But now he didn't know what to say.
Nightwing looked up at the colorful big top: "Look at it. It magical."
Damian looked up. He noted the dirt stains on the fabric and the worn nature of the equipment. Damian was about to make a sarcastic remark, but he stayed quiet when he saw Nightwing's joyous face.
"I wish I remember performance. I show you. But I not remember, so only have this", he looked a bit sad at that.
"There are still circuses in the real world", Damian said, "You can go there if you come with me."
Nightwing frowned. His head turned to Damian.
"But want stay here. It so nice. It happy. I want share with my family."
Damian frowned. Nightwing wanted his family to see this? It explained a lot even if Damian still did not understand.
"That's why you let me in. We are barely family though, Nightwing. I treated you like dirt. You could have let Father in."
"But he not little brother", Nightwing nudged Damian's shoulder with his own.
Damian's head swerved around. He couldn't help but look at Nightwing. It was the first time that Damian truly looked into Nightwing's golden eyes. He could see affection in them, protectiveness. It was… nice. Damian still didn't know why it was directed at him.
"You come here for save me", Nightwing said, "I think it biggest apology I ever get."
Damian hadn't thought about it this way.
"I apologize, Nightwing", Damian looked at the sand, his throat dry, "I should not have dehumanized and belittled you."
He expected to be made fun of for his expression of weakness. Instead, he felt arms around him, pulling him close. Damian didn't protest. He quite enjoyed the feeling if he did not think about it too much.
"It hard come here", Nightwing said, "Labyrinth very scary. So, I appreciate lot you come here and I can share memory with you."
"I'm here", Damian looked at the scene of mother and child, "I see it."
"What's a Robin, Mommy?", the boy asked.
Damian recognized the lilt in the child's voice. It was a higher voice. Lighter and less weighed down. But the basic pronunciation was similar. Nightwing still had the same inky black hair and fluid movements. It was surreal to see him as a normal child without the washed-out features of a Talon.
"I never told you?", the mother carried her child towards the exit.
"Nah."
"It's a colorful, little bird – just like you", they exited the tent, "There should be some around-"
Her voice drifted off.
"He's you", Damian said, "The child."
Nightwing smiled: "Yes. We the same. I see now."
Damian could recognize that this statement was significant for Nightwing though he didn't grasp the full meaning of it.
He looked at the sand. Nightwing had drawn the form of a little bird all over again. Damian looked at the images closely. It itched in his finger to attempt to replicate the drawing, but he held himself back. It wasn't appropriate.
"You like animals?", Nightwing said.
"I do", Damian's voice was quiet.
He wasn't supposed to reveal his likes and dislikes. It made him vulnerable.
Nightwing jumped up, holding out his hand: "I need show you something."
Damian took it, surprised by himself. He followed Nightwing outside into the sun.
The boy was approaching a bird on the field. It flew away at the child's intrusion. The child looked disappointed at that. The mother approached the child, speaking to him. She led the boy away. The pair vanished into nothingness. Damian frowned, wondering what had happened to them.
Nightwing sat down on the ground. He took a piece of popcorn and held it out, making a clicking noise with his tongue.
The red-breasted bird approached. It landed on Nightwing's hand, eagerly scooping up the piece of popcorn. Nightwing laughed. He ran his hand over the bird's back, gently stroking it.
The bird leaned into the soft touch.
"Wild birds are not pets", Damian said.
"My mind, my rules", Nightwing smiled down at the bird, "Look how cute he be. A little robin."
Nightwing patted the ground next to him. An invitation. Damian noted the dirt. But he sat down when he realized that it didn't matter.
"You look stress, Damian", Nightwing looked up from the bird.
Damian shook his head: "How can you be so relaxed after she tore your mind apart? After she made you… feel it."
Nightwing looked at Damian in pity. No. Not pity. It was something far more meaningful. As if Nightwing really saw Damian. Maybe Batman had been right in that Nightwing understood.
"I feel guilty for long time, Damian. I hate myself. It control my whole life. No matter what do. It always hang over me and not can change. Themis torture me with pain but she not can torture me more than I already torture myself. And she help me see."
"What?", Damian sat up a bit more.
He needed the answer.
The mother and the child came out of the circus tent again. Damian realized that the memory was a loop. A new robin was flittering around near the popcorn cart while the other robin still sat on Nightwing's finger.
"I not kill this child", Nightwing pointed at the boy, "I be this child. The Court hurt me. And I survive."
Damian looked as the boy ran towards the robin excitedly. It flew away again, making the child turn towards his mother in disappointment. The mother comforted the boy. Little birds like their freedom.
"Look at him. He so sweet. He not deserve grow up and hate himself whole life", Nightwing nodded at the boy, "I think about end it before. That it be better if I gone because I monster that kill Dick Grayson for exist. But I not kill him. I be him. And she… my mom she love me. She not want me hurt myself."
Nightwing looked at his mother with longing. She led the little boy away again, slowing down her step so her son could keep up with her. The pair vanished.
Damian bit his lips: "He still killed."
"He not go out one day and decide kill people. The Court hurt him until he need do it for survive. It unfair that they hurt him this way. No one deserve be hurt this way. I not deserve it."
"What about me?", Damian asked, "I wasn't brainwashed. I was just-"
Damian broke off. He did not know how to describe what had happened to him.
"Raised?", Nightwing's face softened, "I mean what I say to Themis. You a child, Damian. You not deserve this pain and you can still change. I change."
"Maybe some people can't change."
"Everyone can change", Nightwing leaned closer to Damian, "You here now. A few days ago, you treat me like not even person but now you here try save me."
"It's nothing. I-"
"It mean everything to me, Damian", Nightwing looked so sincere, "That why I let you through."
Damian found his eyes growing wet.
"You need work on yourself, Damian but you also need learn forgive yourself. I learn hard way, believe me."
He held out his finger to Damian. The robin was still sitting on it, unnaturally still for a wild bird. It was Nightwing's world. Damian was just a guest. But he felt welcome here.
"You want hold little bird?", Nightwing said, "I see you watch it. You find cute."
Damian bit his lips: "It is unseemly-"
"I not tell", Nightwing said, "Come on."
Damian reluctantly held out his finger. The bird jumped onto it. Damian expected its Talons to hurt but they didn't.
"You feed him", Nightwing held out a piece of popcorn to Damian.
Damian took it. The bird snapped it up greedily. Damian found himself smiling against his better judgment.
Nightwing looked pensive: "My mom use call me Robin when little. I forget. Only Themis make me remember."
Damian petted the bird's soft feathers. It felt like a blanket. Comforting.
"Not do what she intend for me. Themis want destroy me but this memory it give me hope again", Nightwing said, "It keep me sane."
"It is a nice memory", Damian ran his hands through the bird's feathers.
The robin lightly pecked Damian's thumb. It was playful. Damian held his thumb out to the bird, enjoying their little game as the bird reached for it again.
"He like you", Nightwing said.
"It's not an actual bird."
"Just pretend, Damian. Feel the hope."
Damian took a deep breath, asking the question he had been too afraid to ask: "I don't know how to change. How did you do it?"
"It take long time but I save people with your father and Team. It make me feel better."
"I want to save people, too."
Damian had tried that night he had sneaked out of the manor. He had expected his father to be proud of Damian for disposing off these criminals. Batman had been anything but.
Nightwing smiled: "You be lot like your father."
"My father is a hero."
"And?", Nightwing tilted his head.
"I am not a hero."
"You not need be hero for help people. I not be hero but I still become Batman-partner."
Damian doubted Nightwing's assessment. The Talon had been ready to lay down his life for Damian without even thinking about it. Did these actions not make a hero?
Still, Damian did not mention it. He doubted that Nightwing would ever feel like a hero because Damian could not imagine what it would feel like either. Heroes did not feel the deep-seated shame that Damian did.
"I think Batman have position open. He need partner", Nightwing said.
"You are his partner. You have bested me in combat", the words felt less sour in Damian's mouth than he had expected.
"You train. You learn. You not need be best for be Batman-partner as long as you support him. Batman need hope. I not can do for him anymore."
"Why?"
Nightwing shrugged: "I outgrow it. I need go into world and do new things. Batman need time but he understand now. He know."
"You think he would accept me as his partner?", Damian frowned.
"He not accept me first, too, but he learn trust me. You just need be there for him."
Damian lowered his head. He thought of the tension that arose every time Damian was in the same room as his father. There was no denying it: Bruce avoided Damian most of the time.
"He love you very much, Damian. He just terrible at show. And I not vanish. I still can help you. I not expect it be easy. You both very stubborn."
"You would do that for me?", Damian was floored by the suggestion.
"I your big brother, Damian."
Damian did not know what to say to that. There was a warm feeling in his chest. He petted the robin, leaning forward to gather more popcorn and to feed it to him.
Nightwing watched the mother and child intensely. His gaze was absent.
Damian stood up. He stretched out his arm and allowed the robin to fly away.
Damian held out his hand: "Come on. Let's go back to the real world."
"We have to?", Nightwing was still looking at his memory.
"You have loved ones who are worried about you. Todd, father, that fool West."
"I not expect Wally come here", confusion was visible on Nightwing's face.
"He is here. He is very much infatuated with you."
"Last time we see each other, he tell me that-"
Damian shook his head, indicating Nightwing to follow him: "I shall not discuss this topic. You may talk about your gross relationship with West himself."
Nightwing beamed: "Aww. You still in your 'girls have cooties'-phase."
"What does that even mean?"
"I not know. I see in sitcom I watch with Jason. People say lot."
"I sincerely doubt that", Damian said.
Nightwing shrugged. He stood up and followed Damian over the field. The more they got away from the circus, the blurrier the environment became. Damian looked up at the gate that marked the end of the circus grounds. The sign 'Haly's Circus' was the only sharp thing at this point.
When they crossed the threshold, they found themselves again in the Court's labyrinth. Damian had goosebumps running up his neck from the shift in tone. He looked up at Nightwing whose face was carefully blank.
"You grew up here?", Damian asked.
"Yup", Nightwing said, "I think the pathways be like in real Court."
"You remember every one?"
"You need remember every one for be good hunter", Nightwing said.
Damian nodded, his throat dry. Nightwing held his hand out to Damian.
"I do not require your assistance", Damian snapped, but he took the hand and allowed Nightwing to take the lead.
It was only efficient considering Nightwing's superior knowledge of the environment.
They reached Damian's companions who were in the same position as Damian had left them.
Nightwing turned to fake-Donna: "I appreciate but you really can let go now."
Fake-Donna took her foot off Batman's chest. Nightwing crouched next to West and took off the lasso. He avoided looking at West.
"I not expect you be here. You leave for not want deal with my problems anymore and now you literally be in my head."
"I left because I couldn't see you hurting yourself anymore", West said, "And I came back because Alfred told me it was serious, and I may be the only one who can help you. But that turned out not to be true at all, didn't it?""
Nightwing looked up, sharing a glance with West. West frowned.
"Do you not trust me?", West asked.
"I-", Nightwing sighed, "You dump me when I feel like shit and it make me feel even more terrible. What you expect?"
"Are you angry?"
"I understand why you do it, but it still hurt. And maybe I not want you in my head because I not want talk about it like this."
"Fair", West muttered.
Nightwing lowered his voice, but it was still impossible to miss in the silent labyrinth: "We need talk about us. But later. Please."
"I'll hold you to it", West said, "I'm just glad you're back."
"Me, too", Nightwing smiled, "It be hard leave memory but I think it worth it."
"Memory?"
"Later", Nightwing turned to the rest.
He bit his lip, as if he wasn't sure what to say. M'Gann was looking anywhere but Nightwing.
She cut off his attempts to say anything: "We should go back."
M'Gann's eyes glowed green again. Damian felt a pull at his mind, the tingling intensifying. A moment later he was back in his body. Damian blinked, as the room was left untouched around him. It felt surreal, as if he had just come back from a completely new world, in a way he had.
Nightwing was still lying on the bed. A jolt went through his body. He held his head, his forehead creased.
M'Gann said: "You should have a headache for a while. It's always a strain on the mind."
Nightwing sat up, taking in the sight of Conner and J'onn.
He bit his lip: "Thank you all for come here. I appreciate lot."
"Good to see you back, man", Conner said.
Nightwing nodded at him. They still seemed distant, but Damian could discern a mutual appreciation.
M'Gann still looked away.
"M'Gann", Nightwing said, "I know how hard be for you. I glad you come save me but I also very sorry."
M'Gann turned towards him with hesitation: "I'm glad you are back, too. Even if we aren't the best friends at the moment."
Nightwing's face fell: "What can I do for fix friendship?"
"I don't know", M'Gann shook her head, "Those months you were undercover were a nightmare for us. I felt the pain the Team was in. It was real and it was all for nothing."
"I understand", Nightwing's voice was quiet.
"Maybe we just need some time", Conner approached Nightwing and squeezed his shoulder, "Just get some rest, man. M'Gann and I need to get going. We have some work to do with the Team."
"Team?"
"Well, it's a bit small with just M'Gann and me. There are some new kids who want to join."
Wally frowned: "Wow. What a bomb to spring on us."
"You and Nightwing aren't the only one who can come up with surprises", M'Gann smiled and left the room.
Conner and Martian Manhunter followed. The alien excused himself with a nod and a well-wish to Nightwing.
Batman insisted on multiple tests with Nightwing, another EEG, a test of his healing abilities, his reflexes - everything. Damian suspected it was father's way to show his love. Nightwing went through all the tests without complaints while Damian and West sat at the side. Sometimes, West struck up conversation with Damian. Damian had to admit that the speedster was less tedious than expected. Slightly annoying but well-meaning.
"You shall have my blessing for your gross relationship", Damian said.
West looked dumbstruck: "What?"
"You shall have my blessing", Damian repeated, for the speedster's sake, "You may be irritating and impatient, but you show care for Nightwing and your powers shall make you able to protect him. Though I suspect that Nightwing needs to protect you more than you protect him."
"Thanks - I guess", West frowned.
Nightwing approached them, having taken all the electrodes off his head.
He tilted his head: "We talk?"
West stood up: "You're okay?"
Nightwing nodded: "I good as new."
"Great, then let's talk", West sounded tense.
They walked up the stairs of the Batcave. Damian watched his father who was still typing on his computer. He wondered if it was the right time to ask if he could be Batman's partner.
But Damian decided against it when he saw the tension in his father's back. Damian walked up the stairs, eager to get to his room and finish the puzzle game Themis had so rudely interrupted. No one had to know that Damian engaged in such a childish activity.
Wally's heart was racing by the time they entered Nightwing's room. Last time they had been alone in here, Wally had broken up with Nightwing. Wally wasn't eager to repeat that experience. They stayed quiet, looking anywhere but each other.
Wally said: "You wanted to talk?"
Nightwing nodded. He stayed quiet, seemingly gathering the courage to talk.
"So, are we damned to act like awkward exes for the rest of eternity? It's not a very fun act", Wally said.
It broke some of the tension. Nightwing ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up in all directions. He was adorable. Wally wanted to run his hand through Nightwing's wild hair. But it would be a very strange thing to do to your ex-boyfriend.
Nightwing spoke up: "I change, Wally. Themis make me see something."
Wally frowned: "What did she make you see?"
"I see my mom and little me in circus. Have one memory of my childhood", Nightwing looked excited, as if he could barely contain himself.
"That's amazing", Wally said, "You didn't remember anything before."
"No. No", Nightwing gripped Wally's hands, "It more than amazing. It everything. It mean that I and Dick Grayson same. My memory. I not kill him."
"Of course, you didn't", Wally blurted out.
He didn't understand.
"You say as if obvious. But it not obvious for me before. I not know. It make me hate myself so much, Wally. But I know now that I deserve be happy."
Wally's face fell. This was huge.
"You're right. It's incredible, babe."
Nightwing tilted his head at the term. Wally froze, noticing that it had slipped out.
"Sorry", Wally said, "It's just a habit."
Nightwing looked down at his hands that were still holding Wally's. He let go. Wally mourned the loss of the warm feeling.
"Yeah, it just habit."
Nightwing was biting his lip. He looked nervous.
"I love you, Wally", Nightwing said, "And I not hate myself anymore. At least not much. I not can promise that I perfect now. But I very much better."
"I don't need you to be perfect", Wally said, "I would never ask that of you."
"I know", Nightwing smiled.
Wally had never seen him so relaxed, so content with himself. He looked beautiful. There had always been something invisible holding him back. Wally only noticed it now that it was gone.
Nightwing's eyes were lingering on Wally's lips. Wally found himself drawn to him. He took a little step closer. Wally noted how close they were now. They hadn't been so close in months.
"I deserve love and compassion, Wally", Nightwing beamed.
So beautiful. Nightwing's joy was magnetic. It pulled Wally in. He believed now that Nightwing used to be a circus-kid. Somehow, Themis had dug out that part of him with that memory without wanting to.
"You do", Wally felt himself leaning forward.
He wanted to be closer to Nightwing. Hold him close. Kiss him. Show him how much Wally loved him after he had been so harsh to him during their breakup.
Nightwing put a hand on Wally's shoulders, holding him back. Wally froze. Had he completely misread the situation? Did Nightwing not want him anymore? Nightwing hadn't trusted Wally enough to let him in. What if Nightwing felt like he deserved someone better now that he had overcome his self-hate?
Wally looked at him in surprise: "Did I misread? I'm sorry."
"No", Nightwing's eyes were as soft as melted gold, "I really want kiss you now, but I not can."
Wally frowned: "Is it that you don't trust me?"
It had been eating at him ever since that aborted conversation in Nightwing's mind.
"No", Nightwing gripped Wally's hands again, "I trust you with my life, Wally."
"But not your mind. You didn't let me in."
"It for protect myself. You hurt me last time we see each other, Wally. And you be right then. I deserve the tough love. It be good for me. But it still hurt me and I not can deal with that when you be in my mind."
"I was a bit harsh, wasn't I?"
"Just a bit."
"I'm sorry. I don't regret what I said and taking a break, but I should have been more considerate about it. You are right. You deserve compassion."
"We both do", Nightwing said, "I not want hurt you, Wally. I want be best version I can for you. You deserve. And I deserve, too. And for be best version I still need do something."
Wally tightened his grip around Nightwing's hands. He felt a swell of affection in his chest. This had to be one of the most moving things anyone had ever said to Wally, and he was at a loss of words of how to respond.
"Something?", Wally asked.
"I need do interview with other Titans, speak out about Lex Luthor. I not want that everyone see me as villain. I not know if anyone believe me but I feel better if tell."
"That's scary."
Nightwing stepped a little bit closer: "It terrifying. I not know if even can get word out."
"You can do it", Wally said with conviction.
"Why sure?"
"Because I know you."
Nightwing frowned. He still looked uncertain.
"I can come with you if you want", Wally said.
"That very nice, Wally. But I not want pull you in again. I need do by myself. And I not completely alone. I have friends."
"Your team."
Nightwing smiled: "My team."
"You're gonna lead them? Your own superhero-team?"
Nightwing chuckled: "I like your confidence, Wally but I not lead anything."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that. You're good at planning missions", Wally said.
"I good at plan missions that everyone hate me for."
"See? Leadership-qualities right there."
"Not funny, Wally."
"You coming back to me once you've done the interview?", Wally squeezed Nightwing's hands.
"If you want me back", there was a teasing lilt to Nightwing's voice.
Wally felt such a strong need to kiss him again, but they weren't ready yet.
"I just tried to kiss you. That's a pretty definitive answer."
Nightwing smiled: "I finally visit you in college. I want do for long time."
"Thank God. My roommate doesn't believe you exist. He thinks I invented you because I don't have any game."
"He believe you not have game? Maybe not should come visit because very funny."
"It's not funny. It's humiliating. I'm the Wallman. I'm the master of the game."
"Still funny. Maybe I visit but disappear when roommate enter."
"You wouldn't-", Wally halted upon reconsideration, "Your ninja-ass totally would."
Nightwing tilted his head in amusement.
Wally shrugged in a dramatic fashion: "I guess I need to keep that Tinder-account then. There are a lot of cute guys who swiped right on me who are eager to meet the Wallman."
"You have Tinder-account?", Nightwing's face fell.
He looked genuinely upset. Wally suspected that he might have gone too far with that one. Time to course-correct quickly.
"My roommate made it for me", Wally blurted out, "I learned about it today. I never actually used it."
Nightwing pursed his lips. He looked like he was moping. It was adorable.
"As long as Josh believes I don't have any game, he'll try to force Tinder on me. Just saying."
"No. Not accept", Nightwing crossed his arms, "My boyfriend not be on Tinder."
"Boyfriend?", Wally smirked.
"Not push it, Wally. Or make own Tinder-account."
"We could swipe right on each other."
Nightwing's eyes glinted in amusement. Wally found himself transfixed again. He had missed the flirting. And the teasing. Oh, the glorious teasing.
"I always swipe right on you, Wally."
Nightwing said it with such earnestness that Wally felt himself melt. The former assassin was making it very hard for Wally to keep his composure.
"Likewise", Wally said, "I'd be a bad boyfriend if I didn't."
He used the word deliberately – gauging Nightwing's reaction. He didn't react either way this time. Wally wasn't sure what they were yet. Boyfriends wasn't right yet but they weren't exes anymore either. It felt like Wally had one foot in the door and was just waiting to be let in completely again.
He suspected that he had hurt Nightwing more than he let on with the harsh break-up. It might have been necessary, but it still had been painful.
Nightwing was changing in front of Wally's eyes. He had learned how to be a better person for Wally and for himself. It was Wally's turn to also give something back. He needed – wanted - to make sure that Nightwing felt loved. That he knew Wally would stay with him when things got hard.
Wally raised the back of Nightwing's hand to his lips and kissed it gently. Nightwing grew flustered. Wally grinned at him. He knew that Nightwing adored these little gestures.
"Do me a favor and come through the front door when you visit", Wally said, "I really don't want to explain to Josh how you scaled up five floors up to our window."
"Front door? What be?"
Wally shook his head, walking towards the door: "See you."
"See soon", Nightwing said.
This time, Wally left Nightwing's room smiling instead of crying. He had a spring in his step when he ran back to Fawcett.
Wally entered his dorm, still breathing heavily. All that excitement had made him run even faster than usual.
"You look happy", Josh was bend over his desk, mulling over some graphs.
"Because I am", Wally plopped down on his bed.
"I thought your ex was hurting. Or are you happy because he's hurting."
"Damn, Josh. That's dark", Wally shook his head, "No. It's the opposite. I'm glad that he's okay now after his… accident."
"An accident?", Josh sounded sceptical.
"Yep", Wally said, "But we talked and he's gonna come visit soon."
"Suuure", Josh rolled his eyes, "Just admit you have no game, West."
"I have all the game in the world", Wally said, "I just spend all that game on the right person."
"Your imaginary, weirdo boyfriend who comes off as more than a bit toxic?"
Wally frowned. He hadn't considered that Nightwing could come off that way to Josh. It was a wrong but understandable assessment.
"He isn't toxic. He just struggled with himself really badly for a while."
Josh put down his pencil and turned the office chair towards Wally: "Self-harm?"
Wally nodded: "Something along those lines. I couldn't see him hurting himself anymore, so I broke up with him. He understood even if it hurt him. But he's doing much better now. I'm so proud of him."
Josh frowned: "Damn. You really love that non-existent boyfriend."
"I do."
"Too bad I'll never meet him."
Wally scoffed.