Rachel opened her eyes into darkness and tried to lay as still as she could.
There was nothing that she could sense near her. She could feel her heart beating and the rise and fall of her chest. She could just barely hear the sound of herself breathing. But other than that, there was nothing.
She was absolutely certain she had heard a voice whispering to her.
Carefully, she exhaled and tried to remember what it had been saying. Nothing came to mind. That meant it had to have been a dream, hadn't it? But there had been nothing else that she would normally associate with dreaming. Just the sound of a voice whispering to her. A male voice, she was pretty sure, it had been pitched lower.
Closing her eyes again, she reached out to the Dark Lord. She didn't think he was asleep, but she sensed a certain stillness and focus from him. He was in thought, maybe.
She opened her eyes once more and turned on the lamp on her bedside table. Carrying her wand with her, she checked in her wardrobe, in the bathroom, and under her bed. Predictably and entirely expectedly, there was nothing there.
She opened the door to her bedroom and peered around, lighting her wand and raising it high. She didn't want to step out into the hall because that would wake Severus. But there was also no signs of disturbance there either. She closed the door again and went back to her bed. She cast a Warming charm on her blankets and burrowed back under, but she left her lamp on.
The next stop was her own mind. She closed her eyes and urged herself to the doorway that led into the cathedral. Everything looked the same as the last time she'd seen it, but she hadn't been expecting it to be different. She checked each of her memory rooms on the way, just to be thorough, but it didn't take her long to reach the hallway with her manifestation.
She kept herself a few feet away from the door to the cupboard and then sat down. "Look, we've got to talk."
Her manifestation peered back at her, her expression wary.
"Can you hear the whispering? Can you nod to me, or shake your head?"
The girl adjusted how she was sitting, but otherwise didn't respond.
Rachel sighed. "I'm going to be loud for a moment. Cover your ears." When her manifestation didn't do anything, she decided to go ahead and try anyway. "Hello in there! Can you hear me?" she shouted as loud as she could.
Her manifestation flinched and tears began rolling down her face.
"Oh, you're fine. I'm not yelling at you," she said dismissively. For whatever reason, seeing her manifestation irritated her in a number of ways. She looked past the manifestation, trying to tell if anything at all had changed about the hole. It didn't look different as far as she could tell and she didn't hear anything from it.
Focusing hard, Rachel closed her eyes and pictured a long wooden stick. She could feel the grain of wood against her fingertips, she imagined the tree branch it had grown from, the process of cutting it down and shaping it. She waited until she could feel it firm in her hands and then opened her eyes. Now she had a long stick.
Her manifestation whimpered as Rachel drew closer while holding out the stick.
"I'm not going to hit you with it, honestly. I'm just going to see if I can do anything about what's in there. Try not to move," Rachel instructed, reaching out.
The end of the stick was about an inch away from the hole when her manifestation screamed shrilly and Rachel found herself back in her bed feeling a little dizzy.
Rachel scowled. It was her own mind, damn it. Everything she had read about mind magic and mental architecture said this shouldn't be happening. Her manifestation should do what she told her to do. Instead her manifestation was acting like she was an intruder. How was she supposed to do anything about that hole if she couldn't even get near it?
And the whispering had to be coming from the hole or from the Dark Lord, didn't it? It very clearly wasn't something that was happening in real life and that meant it was coming from her connection to the Dark Lord. Either that, or she really was going crazy.
She supposed she should tell someone, but there were two problems with that. The first was that there wasn't that much to tell. She'd heard a whispering sound at night and she couldn't tell what it was saying. Big deal. It wasn't threatening her, hurting her, or giving her information. The second problem was that there was nothing Severus or Professor Dumbledore could do about it even if she did tell them. It would just cause them to worry more.
Or, at least, it would cause Severus to worry more. Overall, she didn't think Professor Dumbledore was all that worried about her, or he wouldn't be telling her about the Dark Lord. She was a little surprised that Severus had even agreed to the lessons, and it was obvious that he had. Maybe she'd tell Professor Dumbledore, and he could tell her there was nothing to worry about, and that would be that.
At least the whispering was infrequent. She'd much prefer to be woken by whispering than be woken by visions and pain.
She yawned and turned off her lamp. There was no point in staying awake worrying about it.
Rachel had nothing scheduled for Friday morning, but she had a very important task ahead of her. Today was the day she was going to speak with Professor Slughorn.
She'd decided that she was going to approach things as delicately as possible and then if something seemed off, she was going to gently back away from the subject and try again another day. The worst thing she could do was push and damage the relationship irreparably. She didn't like the idea of using her connection to her parents to help Professor Slughorn feel he could trust her. It felt wrong. But at the same time, if that was what it was going to take and if this information was vital to the war effort, then she was willing to do it. She could write a letter to her parents apologizing later. Hopefully they would understand.
"Is everything alright?" Severus asked, setting down the newspaper.
"What? Fine." She looked up from where she'd been staring past her plate.
"Would you like something different to eat? One of your drinks, maybe?" he offered.
"No." She hadn't been able to bring herself to even try to eat this morning. Her stomach was a single tight knot. "No, thank you. I'm okay until lunch."
"Is there something you'd like to talk about? I assume you saw the article about Godric's Hollow on the front page."
She had. The picture of the burnt out town center was pretty sad. She still didn't know how many people had died on Christmas night. "I'm alright. I'm just thinking."
"Is there a problem with one of your friends? Draco, maybe?" he pressed.
"No, no problems. I really am okay. My brain is just busy right now." If her first attempt didn't work, she would come back and get Severus' opinion.
"If you would like to speak about anything, I am here to listen and to offer advice if you want it."
She briefly considered making up a problem so that Severus could solve it and thus feel less worried about her, but that was probably taking it a step too far. "I might take you up on that later, but for now I'm okay," she reiterated. As much as she was glad to be able to spend some quiet time with Severus, she was also going to be glad to go back to not eating under his supervision.
"Alright then," he said, picking up his teacup.
"I'm going out into the castle. You'll see me at lunch," she said, getting to her feet.
"Don't go flying if it is snowing again," he said, almost absently.
"I won't," she said. It had been a surprisingly heavy winter. Usually they didn't have this much snow. She left Severus' quarters and then his office. Instead of turning down the dungeon corridor that led to the common room, she went in the opposite direction to go up into the castle.
She'd used the Marauder's Map to discover that Professor Slughorn's quarters were in the east wing of the second floor. It wasn't a long walk and when she made it to the east wing she counted the doors until she reached the one that she was fairly certain led to Professor Slughorn's sitting room. She paused and went over her plan in her head one more time and then knocked and took a step back.
About a minute later the door opened and Professor Slughorn looked out. "Rachel, what an unexpected surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked.
She managed to make herself smile. "I was wondering if you had a few minutes to talk. About non-potions things, if you wouldn't mind."
"Not at all, come in, come in." Professor Slughorn opened the door wider and stood back. "I'll have you know that I am very well known for offering good advice on a variety of subjects, and when I don't know something, I always know someone who does."
"I'm glad to hear it. You must have taught a lot of students. When did you first start teaching at Hogwarts?" she asked, turning to look at him.
"I have taught over a thousand students over the years. I first started teaching in September of 1931, a little over a decade after finishing my Mastery. I was a Slytherin, as you know, and took over Head of House duties for Slytherin in '35. Come, sit down, let me call for tea," he said, gesturing Rachel to an overstuffed chair.
Rachel felt her jaw nearly drop. He'd been at the school for about as long as Professor Dumbledore. She hadn't realized that he was so old, he must be over a hundred years old. "You must have seen so much. And learned so much," she said as she sat down.
"Well, I'll tell you, I've never been much one for travel. But people, I love meeting people, and Hogwarts was excellent for that. I have taught almost everyone of note in the guilds and in the Ministry over these past fifty years. I did a little inventing on my own, though that was mostly before I taught. The guild wanted me to stay with them, the Unspeakables wanted me too, but Professor Dippet was looking for a new Potions Master as Swoopstikes was long ready for retirement. It was the perfect opportunity, though I never intended to stay as long as I did. There we are. Sugar? Milk? Both?" Professor Slughorn asked when a tea service appeared on the table in front of them.
"A little of both, please." At least she didn't have to worry about Professor Slughorn putting Veritaserum into the tea along with the milk. She balanced the cup and saucer on her lap, being careful not to spill with her shaking hands. "You taught my parents, didn't you?"
"Yes, oh yes. Both of them were in my NEWT classes. Each brilliant, in their own way," he said, adding several biscuits to his saucer.
"What were they like?" she asked, though it wasn't a question she'd been planning on asking.
Professor Slughorn looked startled. "But does no one talk to you about them? Severus knew Lily quite well."
"Oh, he tells me about her, but I think it's very painful for him. And I've found that different people remember different things about them, so you might know something about them that no one else does." She felt a little guilty about revealing that.
He nodded. "Yes, it would be painful for him. I quite expected he loved her."
Rachel nearly dropped her teacup. Severus had loved her mom? Surely he meant just the way close friends cared about each other? Right?
"Her loss, their loss, I should say, affected us all. You most of all, of course. If Lily had known what would happen to you, I think she would have fought her way back from the grave to prevent it." Professor Slughorn shook his head. "She was so bright, and I mean that in more than just her intelligence. She had a certain charm about her and she cared about things deeply. She captivated people. I must say, you remind me of her a great deal."
That had been what Rachel had been going for, but certainly not like this. She regrouped. She had to press forward. "May I tell you something?"
"Yes, of course. What is it, my dear?" he asked, his eyes fixing on her.
"The night my parents were killed, something happened. Well, two somethings, but they're connected," she began. Oh, she did not like doing this at all. "The first was that the Dark Lord tried to kill me, but my mom had sacrificed herself to try to save me. Because of her sacrifice, she gave me a protection that allowed me to survive the Dark Lord's Killing Curse. It reflected back onto him and forced him out of his body. And gave me this," she said, tapping her scar with one shaking finger.
Professor Slughorn exhaled. "She loved you very dearly."
"She did. I think of everyone in this world, my mom and dad must have loved me the most. That's very important to me." She tried to control her own breathing and shaking. She hadn't been prepared for how this would feel to her. "But something else happened that night. When the Dark Lord's Killing Curse reflected off of me, he made a connection between us, one that was prophesied. Did you hear about the destruction of the Hall of Prophecy?" She was playing a little bit loose with the truth here, but he didn't need the details.
"I did, though no one understands why he would do such a thing. It sounds like you understand though." He was watching her very closely, the teacup in his hands forgotten.
"I do. The prophecy was about the Dark Lord, and it was about me. The prophecy says that I will be the one to kill him, which is why he tried to kill me when I was a baby. That was very nearly the undoing of him, except for one thing," she said, keeping her voice as calm and as level as possible. "I want to kill the Dark Lord. For my parents and their sacrifice for me. For all the people who were killed in the last war and for all the people who are being killed in this one. There's something keeping the Dark Lord here, bound to this world. I believe you know about it. Will you help me, Professor Slughorn? Will you help me kill the man who killed my mother?"
Professor Slughorn's exhale was shaky this time. "He put you up to this. Dumbledore."
Rachel shook her head. "Professor Dumbledore told me about the horcruxes, but more importantly, you know what the Dark Lord knows about the horcruxes. I need to know what he knows if I'm going to stop him. I know I can kill him. I know I can keep more parents from dying. I can keep more children from suffering the way that I suffered." It was almost painful to keep her expression from crumpling. She hated doing this.
He shook his head ever so slightly. "I fear I may have done a great deal of damage that day, without ever meaning to."
"I know you didn't mean any harm. I know you wouldn't harm anyone. No one will think less of you, but especially I won't think less of you. You've been a wonderful mentor and I will always be grateful for that. I'm not here to judge you, just as I wouldn't want anyone to judge me. I just want to put an end to all of this." This was terrible. She couldn't believe she was doing this.
"It will help?" he asked, not meeting her eyes. "The memory that he wants, it will help you?"
"Yes, I'm sure that it will." After all of this, his memory better be the instructions to the site of the holy grail.
"Alright. For you, not for him. For you, and for Lily," he said, tea sloshing over the side of his cup as he put it down roughly on the table. He moved to the edge of the room and retrieved a potions vial.
Rachel watched as he drew his wand to his temple and slowly brought out a string of silvery memory down into the vial. He capped it with a cork and brought it back to her. "Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I don't think I can put into words how much you've helped me today."
He looked her in the eye. "You believe you can do it? You can stop this war?"
"Yes," she lied. "I do."
He nodded once. "Then it is I who will owe you a debt of gratitude when that day comes. If you ever need a connection in the potions community or guild, or in the Ministry, I hope you will come to me first."
"I will. Thank you." She pocketed the memory vial and placed her untouched tea on the table. "I'll see you tomorrow for brewing practice?"
"You will. I'm very proud of this team. I think you'll do very well in the Championship. I will see you then. For now, I need to rest," he said as he eased himself into an armchair.
"I'll let you rest. Thank you," she said, being careful not to hurry as she left his sitting room.
She made it all the way to the main staircase before she sat down. She felt like she needed a shower. The memory Professor Dumbledore had wanted had better be worth that. She didn't think she could even look at herself at the moment.
Never again. Never ever again. The next time Professor Dumbledore could do his own dirty work.
Rachel sighed. "Sorry mom," she whispered. She hoped her mom hadn't seen that. And if she had, she hoped she understood why.
Professor Slughorn's words came back to her. Severus had loved her mom.
Obviously they hadn't dated. Right? Someone would have said something to her about that. Wouldn't they?
Sirius and Remus had told her that they weren't the ones to tell her about what had happened between Severus and her mom. Was this what they had meant?
She had always pictured Severus' and her mom's relationship as being like her and Theo. They were close friends who studied together and who knew each other well. She was pretty sure that if Theo died, she would still be upset about it years later, as Severus was still hurt by her mom's death. But the analogy didn't fully work. Theo had stepped away from a Death Eater family. Severus had a muggle father, but he had joined the Death Eater students for his protection and to gain power.
There was no way that Severus could have simultaneously dated her muggleborn mom and joined in with the Death Eater students. Therefore, they didn't date. Unless they dated in secret. And Sirius and Remus somehow knew about it. But then where did her dad come in? Sirius had told her that her dad had to prove to her mom that he was serious about dating her before she would let them date.
Maybe her mom had to choose between Severus and her dad, and her mom had chosen her dad, and then Severus had broken off their friendship? That didn't fully make sense either. Why on earth would Severus have chosen to adopt her if that had been the case?
Maybe the simplest answer was the right one. Professor Slughorn was wrong. Severus had loved her mom, but in the same way that Rachel cared about her friends. Something had happened, probably to do with Severus joining the Death Eater students, and then they stopped their friendship, and then reconciled later when Severus joined the Order.
Why no one would just tell her that, she didn't understand. She wasn't going to ask Severus, because that would be needlessly hurtful to him. And if her conclusions were wrong, maybe she just didn't want to know.
She sighed again. She needed to go take this memory to Professor Dumbledore. As soon as she could get up again. As soon as she could feel that she wasn't a completely horrible person.
It took about thirty minutes of sitting before Rachel felt she could face Professor Dumbledore. She hoped he wouldn't ask how she had gotten the memory. She walked to the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to Professor Dumbledore's office and pulled out her wand. Focusing on happy memories took extra effort but she finally cast her Patronus. "To Albus Dumbledore. May I come speak with you please? If you're available right now, I'm outside of your office."
She felt it was probably a little presumptuous of her to expect him to be able to see her right away, but she wanted to be rid of the vial in her pocket as soon as possible. Hopefully he wasn't away at a meeting or something.
About two minutes later the gargoyle moved aside. Rachel took that as an invitation and stepped onto the staircase, which silently carried her up to the small tower where Professor Dumbledore's office was located. The doors opened as she stepped up to them and she peered inside. Professor Dumbledore was sitting in a chair near the window and had a book and a quill on his lap. Fawkes was on the back of the chair and he trilled when he saw Rachel.
"Hello Professor Dumbledore, hello Fawkes," she said, pausing in the doorway.
"Please come take a seat, I'm glad to see you," Professor Dumbledore said. "How was your Christmas?"
"Very good, thank you. How was yours?" she asked as she sat down in the chair next to Professor Dumbledore.
"I have come to the understanding that it's important to take holidays as a time of connection and reflection. As such, I found my Christmas to be enjoyable for the most part, with the exception of the regrettable attack in the night, of course," he said, bowing his head.
Rachel nodded. "Why doesn't the Dark Lord stay at these attacks and try to kill the aurors and the Order? He's so powerful. Not that I want him to, of course, but I don't understand why he doesn't take a more active role in the war."
"That is the dichotomy of Voldemort, which is essential to understanding him. Voldemort simultaneously believes he is the most powerful wizard currently alive, but he also fears weakness and death. He fears death perhaps more than anything else. As such, Voldemort will only participate in one-sided battles where he can show his strength. He cannot bear to be proven vulnerable, which is one of the reasons he hates you so very much. You have shown him to be vulnerable multiple times by escaping from him, and by disembodying him when you were a baby," he explained.
She thought about that for a while. "Why does he fear death so much? It doesn't seem like it's a bad thing to me. When I die, I'll get to see my parents again. I'll get to meet the rest of my family. And eventually, Severus and my friends will join me there, when they're finished here."
"Death is the great unknown, the last mystery. I believe Voldemort fears what awaits him when he dies, and he fears that loss of control. Somewhat like myself, and like you in a way, Voldemort sought knowledge with a great intensity. He believes that what he knows, he can control. And what he can control, he has power over. Having power, and fearing the loss of power, is very important to Voldemort. Do you wish to die, Rachel?"
She felt her eyes go wide. "No, of course not. I don't want to die. I just…I know that it's inevitable. And I want to see my parents again. I want to know them."
Professor Dumbledore nodded solemnly. "That is understandable, and perhaps even wise. I know that what James and Lily wanted for you is for you to have a full life. Severus and I want that for you as well. You are very young and there is so much more for you to learn and discover. I would like you to promise me something. If you find that your thoughts are leading you to the path of death, if your mind begins to look for ways to die, I want you to tell Severus, myself, Poppy, or your Mind Healer. Can you promise me that?"
"Yes. I'm not going to commit suicide," she promised, feeling herself flush. She wasn't even sure the prophecy would allow her to kill herself. And she didn't need to. She'd die in the confrontation with the Dark Lord and that would happen soon enough.
"I'm glad to hear that. It is important to know yourself and to hear your own thoughts. I would like you to know that you may speak with me about whatever you'd like. I am an open ear and I find that sometimes just having someone listen can be helpful. And sometimes, when you speak with someone about what is troubling you, then you might discover they can help in ways that you didn't realize were a possibility," he offered, his gaze resting on her.
Rachel knew he was trying to get her to talk about what had happened in June. That simply wasn't possible. However, she had felt that she needed to talk to him about the whispering and now seemed like a good opportunity. "Something has happened twice now. I've woken in the night having heard a male voice whispering to me. I can't remember what he said. I checked the space around me both times, but no one was there. I also checked my mental architecture, but everything seemed the same as usual there. I think it's coming from the connection to the Dark Lord."
Professor Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "The whispering, was it in a dream or as you woke?"
"As I woke. I'm not dreaming at all. I haven't since the end of June." She hoped he wouldn't want to solve that for her. She didn't want it to be solved.
"Very curious. And you're no longer taking any potions, correct?"
"I took a Nutrient Restoration potion yesterday. Occasionally I take a Stomach Soothing potion or a Pain Relieving potion, but otherwise I've been off of the potions since the beginning of November. And the specialist that came said there wasn't brain damage. Severus says I might still be dreaming but my waking mind isn't remembering," she said, trying to offer as much relevant information as she could.
He made an aborted movement with his withered hand and then set it back on his lap. "For the time being, please keep track of when it is happening and note any changes. If you start remembering what is being said, I think that's something you should alert Severus or myself of immediately. If you can, if that happens, try to write down what was said as close to verbatim as you can while it's still fresh. Is it painful to you while it's happening?"
"No, not at all." Thankfully. "I can do that."
"Good. Have there been any other changes to your visions or to what you've felt from Voldemort?"
"No, things are pretty much still the same as they were. The visions seem to have settled into about once every two months, for the time being at least. Severus thinks that the Dark Lord doesn't know when they're happening, or else he would be trying to prevent them," she said.
"I think that is likely as well. Given that Godric's Hollow was not a trap, I suspect he would not have wanted you to inform us of what had happened there so quickly. He would have preferred to see the Fiendfyre go unchecked," he agreed. "Was there something in particular that prompted your visit today?"
"Yes." She dug into her pocket and pulled out the vial. "Professor Slughorn gave me this about an hour ago."
The corners of Professor Dumbledore's mouth lifted. "Well done, Rachel. Well done indeed. Shall we see what he has to say?"
Rachel nodded. She wanted to know if what she had done had been worth it.
"Over to my desk then, I'll get the pensieve," he said, standing.
Fawkes gave a small chirp and then flew over to settle on his perch. While Professor Dumbledore was retrieving the pensieve, Rachel walked over to Fawkes' perch and offered him her hand. "Hello. You're such a beautiful phoenix," she said quietly.
He gave a few notes of a song and then rubbed the side of his head against Rachel's fingers. She gently scratched the side of his head. "There you go." She decided that she was going to go up the owlery in a bit to visit Gladys, it had been a little while. When she turned she found Professor Dumbledore watching her with what she could only describe as a fond expression. She gave Fawkes one last scratch under where she thought his ear was and then joined Professor Dumbledore at his desk. "I just pour it in?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, nodding to her.
Rachel carefully pulled the cork out and poured the memory into the pensieve. She looked at Professor Dumbledore again.
"Just like always, I will join you inside the memory," he said.
She leaned forward and entered the memory, finding herself back in Professor Slughorn's office with a Tom Riddle who was about her age and the rest of his friend group. Rachel wondered if any of them were Theo or Draco's grandfathers.
The memory proceeded as it had before, with Tom Riddle flattering Professor Slughorn and Professor Slughorn flattering Tom Riddle back. This time Rachel noticed something she hadn't before. The ring that had been taken from Morfin Gaunt was on Tom's finger.
Professor Slughorn dismissed the boys, but Tom Riddle stayed behind. Then he asked Professor Slughorn about horcruxes. Professor Slughorn blustered about it for a moment and Tom Riddle continued to flatter him. It was a little disturbing to see Tom Riddle manipulate Professor Slughorn when she had just done the same thing herself not an hour ago.
Then Professor Slughorn began to describe horcruxes, though he wouldn't give Tom Riddle the exact details of how it was done other than it required murder. Finally, Tom Riddle said what they'd been waiting for. Seven was the most magically powerful number.
Professor Slughorn looked deeply disturbed and regretful, his gaze towards Tom was now suspicious when before there had been only fondness. Tom Riddle assured him it was academic, but there was a gleam in his eye. The beginnings of a plan as Professor Slughorn asked him to keep their discussion a secret.
"I think that's all we need," Professor Dumbledore said, offering her his uninjured hand.
Rachel accepted it and a moment later they were back in Professor Dumbledore's office. "Seven," she said, looking at him.
He nodded once. "Six horcruxes and then the remaining piece of soul inside of him."
"The ring, the diary, and the locket. That's half then," she said. "And Hufflepuff's Cup, that's number four. Any ideas about the other two?"
"I believe you have encountered Voldemort's snake?" he asked.
Rachel nodded. She had seen a large snake at the graveyard when the Dark Lord had been resurrected.
"I believe she is a horcrux as well. I believe that just before Christmas last year, she was sent to investigate the Department of Mysteries, not quite possessed by Voldemort, but through the connection between him and his horcrux," he said, moving to his chair.
"And then I saw the snake attack Mr. Weasley through my connection." She paused for a moment and thought. "I think we're going to have to leave the snake for last. If she's a horcrux, then the Dark Lord is not going to part with her easily. Any ideas about the last one?"
"Perhaps. Given Voldemort's attachment to collecting mementos of things that are important to him, and Hogwarts is undeniably important to him, I suspect he may have sought relics of Rowena Ravenclaw or Godric Gryffindor, the same way he collected Slytherin's locket and Hufflepuff's cup."
"What would those relics be? Is there something they are famous for?" she asked.
"Ravenclaw's diadem, which has been lost for nearly a millennia. Many have searched for it. I think that is the least likely possibility. Gryffindor's sword would be the other prominent relic. It is supposedly still in the castle and will appear to loyal Gryffindors in times of great need. Perhaps Voldemort found a way around that requirement, or found a Gryffindor to aid him." He nodded, looking lost in his own thoughts.
"Peter Pettigrew maybe." He was the only Gryffindor Death Eater she knew of.
"Perhaps, though I suspect he would have needed to return to the castle to do so. The next step is discovering Voldemort's secret places where he would have hid the horcruxes. Thus far he has chosen his grandfather's home, a diary that we do not yet know how got into the school, and a cave. I suspect the cave was by the seaside where Tom Riddle was taken on trips as a child."
Rachel hesitated. "Can I tell you something without you telling anyone else at all? Even though it involves another student?"
"I cannot make that promise if a student is being hurt. Do you understand why?" he asked, his attention now refocused on her.
"I do understand why, but no one is being hurt, not anymore. They just don't want people to know." She hoped Ginny could forgive her for this.
"You know who was being possessed by the diary and opening the Chamber of Secrets," he said, his eyes sharp.
She nodded. "She said she went shopping for her school books in Diagon Alley and the diary was in her belongings when she arrived at home. She thought it had been bought for her second hand, which was why she didn't ask anyone. She didn't realize what was happening for a long time, and when she did, she tried to flush the diary down the toilet, which was when I found it."
Professor Dumbledore was silent for a long moment. "I think we can only assume it was given to her purposefully, with the intention of her becoming possessed and then opening the Chamber of Secrets. It must have been entrusted to a Death Eater, though I do not understand why they chose that time to open the Chamber of Secrets. As far as we can tell, Voldemort was not in touch with his Death Eaters from well before 1992 to sometime in 1994."
"Maybe if the Dark Lord gave the diary to a Death Eater then he could have given the other horcruxes to other Death Eaters?" she suggested, wanting to get away from the topic before he asked her who had been possessed.
"That remains a possibility, though remember that Voldemort does not trust anyone. He might have given the diary for a Death Eater to hide so that he could not be forced to reveal the location if he did not know it. It bears more thought," he said. He met her eyes. "If the person who was possessed would like someone to speak with, or if they would like other assistance, please let them know my door is open."
"I will, sir," she said, though she suspected that Professor Dumbledore already knew who it was. "Did you need me for anything else?"
"No. My door is open to you as well, should you wish to talk. Please enjoy what remains of your holiday," he said. "You have my gratitude."
"Thank you," she said. She let herself out of his office and rode the staircase back down into the castle. At the very least that was done with.
Six horcruxes. On one hand, it was a lot. On the other, it could have been much worse. Seventeen was also a magically powerful number and that would have been an outright disaster.
She decided she was going to go find Theo and Draco and take the rest of the day off. She wanted a break.
The Restricted Section was three long shelves at the front edge of the library, well in view of Madam Pince's desk. There was a sign on the shelves that read 'No Browsing without a Pass Signed by a Professor'. Rachel had her pass tucked away in her bag, but when she'd checked on the Marauder's Map, she'd seen that Madam Pince was in her quarters off the side of the library. That was a good thing because Theo didn't have a pass, and he was right by her side as he peered at the various titles. Draco had declined to come with them to the library so it was just her and Theo for the time being.
The library was quiet. In fact, all of Hogwarts was quiet, and it was a welcome change. She felt a little more at ease since she didn't have to be on her guard all the time, as she was used to listening for footsteps approaching or the sound of voices coming closer. No one who was currently in the castle would harm her. And she had her invisibility cloak in her bag still, along with the Marauder's Map, and the phoenix pendant was resting on her breastbone in case of an emergency. Right now was probably about as safe as she could get, outside of Fallow Farm.
She pulled down a thin book from the Potions section titled The Mastery of Potions of Self, curious to see what was so bad that they had to keep students from reading it. She hadn't had much time to browse the Restricted Section, she'd only peered in for a few minutes twice since she'd gotten the pass.
"Anything interesting?" Theo asked, looking up from the book he'd been looking at.
Rachel flipped open the cover and browsed the contents. "Various compulsion potions, including love potions. You?"
"This one has Polyjuice and Veritaserum. Nothing we could brew here at Hogwarts, given the time it takes to brew them, and we probably wouldn't want to," Theo said.
"Having Veritaserum is an expellable offense anyway. I bet Polyjuice is probably banned too. I brewed Polyjuice with Severus, the boomslang skin requires a guild license to buy," she said, putting the book back. She definitely wasn't interested in brewing love potions.
"If you buy it from a reputable source, but you might as well just buy the potion itself rather than buying the boomslang skin. Probably costs close to the same," he said, still turning pages in the book. "How did you get Professor Snape to give you a Restricted Section pass anyway?"
"I just asked him, and he said he would give it to me as long as I showed him a spell or a potion before I attempted to cast it or brew it. He didn't even want to know why I wanted the pass. I bet he would give you a pass if you wanted," she said, browsing the titles again.
"I think Professor Snape likes you a lot more than he likes me. Why did you want a pass?"
"Just curious, mostly. I wanted to know what they thought students shouldn't know. Apparently Severus came into the Restricted Section as a student without a pass." She took down another book, Potions Most Powerful, and began flipping through the pages.
"That's not entirely surprising," he said, looking up from the book.
"It isn't?" she asked.
"I don't think anyone who joined the Death Eaters is going to be scared off by a sign that says they need a pass to browse books," he said meeting Rachel's gaze.
"I suppose that's one way of looking at it," she said noncommittally. She didn't think Severus was generally a fearful person, but she wasn't sure how much that had to do with joining the Death Eaters.
"Can I talk with you about something? Without it coming across the wrong way?" Theo asked.
"Sure," she said, hoping Theo wasn't going to ask about Severus' time as a Death Eater.
Theo frowned for a moment as he watched her. "We haven't really had much of a chance to talk privately these past few months. I've been worried about you. Honestly, and weirdly enough, I've been a bit worried about Draco too. I know I can't even guess what you went through, and I'm sure what happened had an impact on Draco too, I've seen it myself. But since then, it seems like you've kind of put up barriers with everyone. You don't talk with us the way that you used to. And it used to be the rest of the school that you were keeping out, but now it's us too. And I hate to think that we've lost your trust."
Rachel waited a moment to be sure that Theo was finished. "No one has lost my trust. I trust all of you. I wouldn't have told everyone about my visions if I didn't trust them. I am trying to be normal, I am."
He shook his head. "Rachel, I'm not trying to tell you to be a certain way or do certain things. I'm certainly not trying to tell you that what happened should haven't changed you or that you shouldn't be struggling. The reason I wanted to talk with you about this is I'm worried that you are struggling and that you feel you can't tell us about it or that you can't ask for help. I want to help. I want to be there for you. And I know the rest of our friends do too."
"That's the thing. There's nothing anyone can do to help and no one seems to understand that. This isn't something that needs helping. It's just how I am right now. And I'm trying to do better, and I know it's been six months already and I should be over this by now-"
"No," he interrupted. "That's definitely not what I'm trying to say. I don't think there is a getting over it. I don't think that happens. It hasn't happened for me. I am not 'over' what my father did to me. I don't think I ever will be. I think what happens is we learn to live with it. And some days that is worse, and some days that is better. And as you get further away from the experience and stop expecting that people will hurt you, it gets a little easier. I know that summer after I left my father, I didn't feel like myself. Sometimes I still don't feel like myself. Rachel, it's okay if you are struggling. I think it would be unusual if you weren't struggling."
She looked away. Was she struggling? With some things, maybe. She just didn't see how anyone could help with it. "Really what I want is just for things to be normal," she finally said. "I feel like I'm getting closer to normal in most things. And I'll try to talk with all of you more. Sometimes I just don't know what to say."
"Just know that I am here if you need anything. Anything within my power. Even if it's just someone to sit with. Or taking a moment away from everyone else. Or if you do want to talk," he said, gently resting his hand over the top of where she was still holding the Potions book.
"Thanks," she said, watching their hands. It felt a little strange for Theo to reach out and touch her. Theo, like her, was generally not a person who hugged or put his hands on people, that was usually Hermione and Millie. His hand was warm and felt solid against hers. "I'm here for you too. Whatever I can do, Theo. You're one of my closest friends and I can't imagine doing this without you."
His grip tightened briefly. "I can't imagine doing this without you either."
They stayed like that for a moment, not quite holding hands, the silence of the library stretching out around them.
"Do you want to check out the Arithmancy section?" she asked to break the moment.
"Sure. Now I am curious about what would be restricted for Arithmancy. We haven't learned anything in class that suggests Arithmancy could be used in dark arts except for in spell creation, and we're not there yet," he said, reshelving the book he'd been looking through.
Rachel put Potions Most Powerful back on the shelf and led the way down the aisle. "Only one way to find out."
"Pass," Draco called, flying up beside her.
Rachel carefully lobbed the Quaffle toward his outstretched hand and gratefully put both hands on her broom handle again. This was much more difficult than Seeking was with her shaking hands. She didn't think she would ever play Chaser in an actual game again. That didn't matter to her too much, she wanted to be a Seeker. That's where she was at her best.
She looped around the hoops to catch the Quaffle after Draco tossed it through the center hoop and headed back in the opposite direction, tucking the Quaffle under her arm so she could hold her broom with both hands.
The sun was out, but it was reflecting off of the snow, and it was still freezing. Rachel didn't want to stay out too much longer, her face and her hands hurt from the chill. Based on the general shakiness in her body, she suspected they'd been up in the air for nearly two hours now. She was planning on playing in the game on the nineteenth and she was hoping two hours would be enough.
Approaching the hoops, she slowed and then threw the Quaffle to the left side hoop to prevent Draco from blocking her as he swooped around her. "I'm done," she called to Draco as he darted down to catch the Quaffle. "Do you want a go on my Firebolt now?"
"Yeah," he called, and even though his face was red from the cold wind he looked excited.
Rachel led the way into the stands and carefully set down in the snow. "Here," she said, holding it out to him when he landed next to her.
They traded brooms and Draco reverently felt up the broom handle. "They play on these in the League and on the National teams. Best broom on the market."
She smiled and shook her head. "It's like driving a sports car when everyone else around me is in a van. It's totally not fair to the other teams."
"I don't know what you just said to me and I don't care." He mounted the broom and took off, flying straight up and then out across the pitch at what must have been close to top speed.
Rachel used her wand to clear away the snow on the bench and by her feet and sat down. Then she pulled her wand out again and cast a warming charm on her clothes. She was frozen solid. At least here in the shelter of the stands the wind wasn't blowing on her.
She pulled her hands into her shirtsleeves to try and warm them up and watched as Draco flew. She thought this was the most carefree she'd seen him in longer than she could remember.
Theo had said that he was worried about Draco and she thought she knew what he meant. If she had been changed by what had happened last June, she thought Draco had been changed at least as much. Given that his father had tried to murder him, and had nearly succeeded, she thought that was completely understandable.
Unlike her though, Draco didn't have a lot of close friends. In fact, even before all of this, Draco had been pretty isolated outside of the Quidditch team. She'd never seen him being all that close to the other children of Death Eaters. Draco had the tendency to be a little bit abrasive, and he often said what he thought even if it was rude, though Pansy swore that he was perfectly polite to her, which meant that Draco did have manners when he chose to use them.
When it came down to it, Rachel wasn't sure how to help Draco any more than she knew how to help herself. She thought he was doing okay with the group, but things were still a bit awkward there. Draco and Theo tended to snip at each other when left to their own devices, though she had decided to stay out of that until someone crossed a line. She didn't know what that line was, but she was sure she would recognize it when she heard it.
In the meantime, she supposed the only thing she could do was the same thing her friends were doing for her. Offer her support and hope that Draco could sort himself out with some time and space.
The sun was starting to move toward the horizon and it was definitely getting colder. She used the Amplifying charm. "Draco! Let's go inside before we freeze to death!" She ended the charm and stood up, holding onto Draco's broom.
Draco flew toward the stands and landed gracefully next to her. "It knows what you're thinking," he said with an admiring look at the broom.
"It does. It's like flying without a broom at all," she agreed, letting Draco hold her broom for a moment longer before she offered him his own broom.
He reluctantly traded back. "Let's fly back to the school and bring our brooms down to the common room. I don't want to walk."
"Alright," she said, though walking through the snow wasn't a problem with the Featherlight charm. Flying was still faster.
They mounted their brooms and then flew up and over the stands and back toward the castle.
"How are you doing?" she asked, since they were flying close enough to speak and at a relatively slow pace.
"Cold. I'm going to go stand in the shower until I can feel my toes and fingers again," he said, glancing at her. "Why are you asking?"
Rachel fixed her gaze in front of her. "Because I want you to know that you can talk to me about things if you want to. And that I care about you."
"You know that I'm dating Pansy. We're still dating," Draco said, sounding both firm and uncertain.
"Not like that. I care about you as a friend. Friends care about how each other are doing." She sighed. Why did people have to make things so difficult?
"Alright. That's alright then," he said. They landed just below the front steps and dismounted from their brooms.
"How did your talk with Sirius go on Christmas?" She hadn't seen him alone since then and she hadn't wanted to ask in front of Theo.
"You know how you told me to stay out of your relationship with your godfather?" Draco asked, looking at her as they climbed the stairs.
She nodded.
"Then you can stay out of my relationship with Sirius too," he said.
"Okay. Just know that I'm here to help if you want it," she said, feeling like she hadn't really gotten anywhere with him.
"I think you're the one who needs help, not me," Draco said, looking at her again.
Rachel decided against replying to that and stepped into the warmer air of the entrance hall, letting it sting her face and her fingers. She took off her glasses and wiped at them as they began to fog up. She needed some time to defrost. Maybe a hot shower wasn't a bad idea.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said when they reached the door to Severus' office after a quiet walk down the dungeon corridor.
Draco looked at her like he wanted to say something, but he finally just nodded and walked away.
She shook her head to herself. She liked Draco well enough, but sometimes he was a bit of a pain. She let herself into Severus' office, went through the permeable wall, and into Severus' quarters.
Severus looked up from the book he was reading. "How long were you flying? Your face is bright red."
"Less than two hours," she hedged. "It was a pretty decent day, no snow and we came in once the temperature started to drop."
He did not look entirely convinced. "Make sure all of your clothes are dry and change them if they're not. I'll call for tea."
Rachel rolled her eyes as soon as she was out of Severus' vision. She wasn't a child who needed to be reminded not to sit around in wet, cold clothes. "I will."
In her room she got out of her winter gear and found that her clothes beneath were damp from sweat. That was what she got from flying in so many layers, she supposed. Deciding that a shower was a good idea after all, she headed into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
Her face was still red from being cold, but that wasn't what was wrong. She stared at herself and then reached forward to touch the mirror. The mirror was solid, as it should be, but she didn't quite recognize herself. Her hair was messy, some of the strands having escaped from her plait as she flew. Her eyes were the same hazel as they always were, framed by her thin brown rimmed glasses.
She moved her head back and forth and reached up to touch it with the hand not touching the mirror. It was her. Of course it was her. She just didn't look right.
With her chest feeling tight, Rachel retreated from the bathroom and used a drying charm and then a warming charm on her clothes, and then she sat down on her bed and reached for her pillow bunny.
What the hell was wrong with her? This wasn't the Dark Lord, this was all her. Or maybe it was the Dark Lord. Maybe when he looked into a mirror, what he saw was wrong too.
She carefully reached out, closing her eyes and trying to identify the Dark Lord by what was foreign to her. He was impatient, but thoughtful. He was trying to plan something. There was nothing there that echoed her feeling of estrangement from herself.
Exhaling, she tried to work past the pain in her chest. She was Rachel. She was in her body. She knew who she was. And suddenly she did know what to do. Or at least, she knew what might help at least a little bit.
She laid down on her bed and began the first animagus meditation. She knew her own body. She knew her own mind. She knew her own soul. If she knew all of that, then her reflection couldn't be strange, because she knew herself. She exhaled and began focusing on the different muscles in her body and decided that she needed to do this more often since she'd fallen out of practice in the summer.
She would be fine. She just had to get her own mind back under control.
"Well then, how have you both been?" Hagrid asked as he poured the cups of tea.
"Not bad. Very busy. The Potions Championship starts in less than a month now, so we're focusing pretty heavily on that," Theo said, politely ignoring the plate of snacks Hagrid had set out.
"You'll do well, you always do," Hagrid said. He hung the kettle back up and took a seat. "What about you, Rachel?"
"Pretty much the same as Theo. I'll be glad when the Championship is done. I'm not sure what we were thinking to put our names in it," she admitted. It had been a lot more work than she'd been expecting. She rested her hand on Fang's head, who had settled his head on her lap as soon as she'd sat down.
"You wanted to. You and Hermione and Draco," Theo pointed out.
"I know. I felt it was important to try, I just didn't expect Severus to pick us." She suspected Severus was still not happy that he had picked them.
"Now why wouldn't he?" Hagrid asked. "You've been brewing with him for years now, Rachel, and I know you lot do well in his class."
"Well, two teams of seventh years did the brewing trial as well. It would have made sense to have someone with a year in the NEWT class to do some of the aspects of the competition," Theo said.
"And he didn't want me to do more than I already am. We're taking seven NEWT classes and I'm captain of the Quidditch team."
"And now you're on the Potions team. I'm a little surprised I see you as often as I do," Hagrid said.
Rachel quickly shook her head. "No, not at all. Hagrid, you're our friend. We want to come see you. I wish we could see you more. If we could have found a way to keep your class in our schedules, we would have."
"I know you would have. You're good kids, but I also know you've got to think about the future. You've all got bright careers after Hogwarts. I bet you're making good connections to do a Mastery through all this. Slughorn always knew the right people. I think he knows just about everyone," Hagrid said,
"What do you think of Professor Slughorn, Hagrid?" Theo asked, both of his eyebrows raised.
"What do I think of him? Well, I know he was well thought of as a teacher. I had him myself, my first two years at Hogwarts, though I was never any good in his class. He used to have this club, the Slug Club the kids called it. Your mother thought it was a bit of a farce, Rachel, but I know she attended regularly."
"Why?" Rachel asked, realizing she should have asked this of Sirius and Remus. "Why did she go if she didn't like it?"
"Making connections. As I said, Slughorn knows everyone. If you wanted in a certain field or the Ministry or a guild after Hogwarts, he knew who to connect you to, if he approved of you, that was. It would have been a mistake for her not to go and she knew that. Don't think less of her for it. There's no shame in trying to make a good path for yourself."
"You don't think it's nepotism or…I'm not sure what the non-family version of nepotism is, but that?" she pressed.
Hagrid looked thoughtful. "There's no denying that Slughorn was in it for himself and what these people could do for him, or that he had favored students, whether by their talents or by their families. He likes to have a comfortable life and he likes to be well thought of, which he is. But I don't see any harm in a student taking advantage of the connections he offered. The right introduction in the right place could mean an apprenticeship or a position in a desired department at the Ministry, and for a muggleborn, that could be hard to find."
"Do you know how my parents started dating?" she asked, figuring Hagrid was safer to ask that question of than Sirius or Remus. She certainly couldn't ask Severus.
"Oh, that wasn't until their seventh year, I don't think. James had been sick with puppy love for a while by then, but Lily wasn't interested while he was playing pranks with his friends. She often told me about the chaos they caused in the Gryffindor Tower and how even as a prefect she couldn't restrain him. But as the war went on, they both grew up. By their seventh year, James was ready to show that he was serious, both about Lily and about the war. They both joined up with Dumbledore the week after they finished at Hogwarts, Sirius and Remus right alongside them. Pettigrew too, though the less said about him, the better," Hagrid said.
That didn't answer a lot. She didn't really know what Severus had been doing as a sixth and seventh year. She wasn't sure when he'd stopped being friends with her mom.
"Did you know my mother, Hagrid?" Theo asked.
"I'm not sure, what was her name? Do you know what years she was here?" Hagrid asked.
"She was a Slytherin, she started in '67. Her name was Elizabeth Ackland, but she usually went by Liz," Theo said. "She had black hair and when she was younger she wore it long."
Rachel looked at Theo. She realized that she didn't know anything about Theo's mother, other than the fact that Theo had seen her die. She wasn't even sure how Theo's mother had died.
"Hmm, I don't think so. I typically only know the students who wander down here or who wind up serving detention with me. Usually those who are interested in animals make their way here eventually. McGonagall might remember her though, she was teaching in '67. So was Flitwick," Hagrid suggested.
"Severus might remember her. He started in '71 and he was a Slytherin," Rachel offered. "He knows Blaise's mom from school."
"I think Professor Snape might have known her through knowing my father," Theo said.
That was a good point and might not be the best subject for anyone to bring up with Severus.
"I know it's hard on you both, growing up without your families. My dad died when I was twelve, and my mom left when I was about three. It's hard. But Hogwarts became my family. And I know that Severus considers you family, Rachel. And all of you who come see me together, you're family to each other. Those are bonds you can't break. Those are bonds thicker than blood." Hagrid nodded as he looked at them. "I know all of you will do right by each other."
"We will. And Rachel, and the rest of our friends, they've been family to me since our first year. They've been more family than I ever had from my father," Theo said, turning to meet Rachel's eyes.
Rachel smiled and nodded. "Exactly. All of you, and Severus, you're my family. And my parents are my family too, but not quite in the same way. They'll be my family when I can see them again, and your mother will too, when you see her again. And Hagrid will see his parents again when it's time."
"I hope that's true. I really do," Theo said.
After seeing the shades of her parents in the graveyard a year and a half ago, she was almost positive it was true. She would see her parents again. They were waiting for her and they were watching over her. She couldn't bear for it to be any other way.