Let Me Love You
A problem shared is a problem halved
Sam's POV
"So, what happened?"
Sam and Mercy sat pondering on that question because up until yesterday their entire daily regime revolved around their hour long routine and if they timed it poorly and missed anything they'd knew they were about to have the shittiest day ever.
Thursday
Back Story
The particular morning in question was usual, sex was like pumping well needed adrenaline into our veins, it had been a while since I'd cared for niceties, I'd just pull her down the bed, waking her up, throw her legs up in the air, and fuck until life came into me. Those fifteen minutes would be followed by the usual quick shower, watching her do her makeup and hair, while I got dressed, coffee and small talk as we sipped, then promptly at 08:45 we'd leave home to stroll through the common for work.
That routine hadn't changed over the last eight months, since my mother had passed, and even though we'd vowed just over five years ago, at our wedding, to keep the life in our relationship no matter what, we barely spoke outside of the sixty minutes we shared each morning before work. It was all my fault, and although Mercy never said it, I knew she thought it too, I'd had a hard time when mom passed, and Mercy had been my rock. Our life over the following months had become easy, uncomplicated, physical, and silent, maybe because she was allowing me space to grieve, neither of us knew how to explain to anyone how this had happened, but it was our life and because we'd grown so comfortable with it, we honestly couldn't see a problem.
Our situation hit me in the face when we went to a dinner party last night, with a couple of friends, we didn't see them regularly, the call had come out the blue, a week ago, to say they were moving away because of Mike's new job, and they were inviting us to their home for an evening of food, wine, and laughter before they left the weekend, the fact that we hadn't seen them for nearly four months even though we lived less than ten minutes away, guilted me into submission, so we agreed.
We'd both left work early and met at our friends' home, which was obvious as Mercy arrived nearly twenty minutes after me. We'd laughed and joked our way through dinner, killing at least four bottles of wine in the process, and finally sat in the lounge relaxed, listening to music.
"So" Mike sat with Tina laying across him, his arm wrapped around her waist "Trivia?" he looked at me asking
"Games" Tina sat up eagerly before I could answer "I'll get the cards" she went over to the cupboard and returned with a small box "Grab a card" she instructed us all
"I'll go first" Mike smiled looking straight at me "What's you ultimate relationship breaker?"
"It's got to be adultery" I laughed, that had to be the ultimate for any couple "I think I could forgive everything else" I looked at Mercy, frowning for seeing some sort of disagreement on her face
"Mercy?" Mike asked
"Dishonesty I guess, I think I could cope with anything if he didn't lie about it" she looked up at me, that look sent a ping of guilt through me
"Oh" I muttered, surprise "And you?" I looked at Mike
"Adultery" Tina and he said together
"Next question" Tina held her piece of paper up "Favourite date night?" she looked at Mike
"Oh, I always love when we go for walks along the harbour, end up at our favourite restaurant, and then back home, to bed" he laughed hugging Tina around the neck to kiss her cheek
"You'll miss the harbour then?" I asked, trying to hide my discomfort
"Very much" Mike agreed "But we'll be back every now and again, we have you guys here" he looked at Mercy smiling
"And we have several spare rooms" I reminded him, getting another look from Mercy, I wasn't sure what she was thinking but it didn't sit well with me, maybe she was just as uncomfortable watching Mike and Tina as I was
"Sam?" Tina made me jump when she snapped my name
"Unfortunately, we don't do many date nights; business always comes first in our house" I told her, trying to laugh it off
"Always?" Mike asked shocked "You bring business home?"
"If you want to hit deadlines, that's what you have to do" I told him, it didn't seem strange it was what we did
"There's deadlines and lines" Mike laughed "Taking work home is a line crossed for me, T would never allow it"
"No wonder you guys don't get many date nights" Tina laughed
"Leave us alone, it works for us" I waved my hand about in protest, we were already feeling uncomfortable watching the two of them PDA all over the place, while we sat next to each other, but definitely in our own space
"Okay" Tina held her hand up "But if ever you need some advice" she pointed at herself
"We're good" Mercy assured her
"My question" I butted in feeling the need to change the focus
The evening went on, we sat enjoying each other's company, but that night I went away thinking about our lives, I'd made the change for us, and Mercy had just gone along with it, maybe she just loved me enough to not question it, but tonight I felt like I'd been so unfair. She'd named dishonesty as her thing to call it a day on, and here I was carrying this truth that I hadn't told a soul, changed her life for, and she didn't even know it.
When it first started, I thought my behaviour in the bedroom would wear off, the anger, frustration and even guilt, although not of my own making, would disappear, but over time it had become a trigger, one that I was finding it hard to get rid of. I was left wondering when and how things had changed so drastically for me, to the point where sex was no longer a conversation of two bodies coming together in love, it was an act, a placebo I were using to pretend everything was fine, while my mind was using it as a safeguard for my heart.
We got home and my mind was troubled, it was time to put this to rest, but in doing that, how was life for us ever going to be the same again, I loved my wife, she loved our life, but it was a lie, and there lay my dilemma "Do you think we need to take Tina's advice and see someone?" I finally asked as we undressed preparing for bed, the truth was bursting out of me, it was what my wife demanded, and I wanted her happy
"No" Mercy laughed tapping my chest playfully as she walked past me
"So, you don't think the fact that we have sex, not make love every day, is a problem?"
"Are you complaining?" she stopped to ask me
"No" I looked at her, wanting to throw everything going on in my mind at her in that second "It's just…" I shook my head the threat of losing her was too close "Never mind" I walked off across the room and into the shower
"No carry on, say what you're dying to say" she walked over to me, I turned to look at her, hearing her voice coming closer
"Just out of interest what's your favourite part of my body?"
"Your dick of course" she laughed looking at it
"See that's a typical response from you" I cut my eye at her and turned to carry on with my shower, unsure if I was angrier with myself than her, she told me daily she loved my dick, it was a running joke, so why did I take offense at that, if she didn't before she knew something was wrong now
"What do you mean typical, I'm being honest" she giggled
"So, you're saying my dick made you fall in love with me?"
"No, that was all on your cute boy charm" she laughed "But your dick kept me coming back"
"You can be so crass sometimes" I hissed at her, rolling my eyes at my avoidance tack ticks, they were poor to put it mildly, she caught on quickly coming back at me with
"What's wrong with you?" I knew I was taking this all too seriously
"Nothing" I snapped
"Sam" she grabbed my arm to get my attention "What's the matter?" the worry on her face made me feel sick, I needed to come clean, but the truth didn't always set you free in the way I needed to be right now
"You, you're always so flip about our shit, and you don't care how I feel about what you say" I didn't mean to come out with all that, but of course me being me I was still in flight mode, my conscious was killing me
"What did I say?" she widened her eyes at me shocked at what was happening "You asked a question I thought I was being funny, flirting even, and you come at me with this"
"I'm… it doesn't matter" I pulled away from her and carried on washing myself, I hadn't found the right words yet, and I definitely wasn't going about this the right way, I needed time to rethink, by the time she came out of the shower I was in bed, my eyes closed as I recited the words over and over again in my head that was going to change our lives
"Are you asleep?" she hugged me from the back, we'd never gone to sleep angry, let alone at each other, I didn't answer but she knew I wasn't sleeping "Babe" she pulled at me to turn round "Whatever's up with you matters to me, I need to understand, help, something"
"I don't want to talk about it babe"
"If it's hurting you, it's hurting me babe, please talk to me"
I wasn't ready for this, I turned around to face her "I'm sorry about going off earlier, I'm just…" I brushed her hair off her face, she was so beautiful, even worried "Let's get some sleep, early start tomorrow"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure" I kissed her forehead
"And in serious answer to your question earlier" she looked up at me "I love every part of you, but my favourite part of your body is your heart, because you gave it to me, and I intend on taking very good care of it" she smiled at me kissing my nose
"Thank you" I closed my eyes, because I knew she wasn't happy with the distraction, something was wrong, and she needed to know what it was tonight, that was just who she was
"Babe" she huffed less than a minute later, I almost smiled at the predictable, but I knew this was it, I wasn't about to get any rest without disclosing my shit so I braced myself "You asked I know, and I wish I could leave it alone, but I can't" she stroked my face, and I opened my eyes again "Talk to me"
"I can't" I huffed closing my eyes again "You'll hate me forever"
"I could never hate you, unless you lie to me" she smiled "I meant what I said at that party, adultery didn't even come into my head, that's not what we are for each other"
"I'm ashamed"
"You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved"
"What if sharing just doubles it?"
"Whatever it does we'll deal with it, I promise" she stroked my face, and somehow, I believed her "Tell me babe"
"We started out great didn't we, I mean we were in love, I mean the type people commented about?"
"Sure" she looked at me trying to work out where the conversation was going, not wanting to ask the question to give or take anything away from my truth
"Somewhere along the line I saw our relationship akin to that of my parents, and I've been trying ever since to do everything opposite to what they did"
"What do you mean?"
"Mom" I looked at her sad about what I was about to say, she'd had the best relationship with my mom, and this was going to put a different light on everything she thought she knew about the woman "Mom had an affair"
"Okay" she nodded; I could tell on her face she was unsure if she believed that of her mother-in-law
"She blamed it on the fact that dad lost interest" I huffed "That's the excuse he gave me anyway"
"Your dad told you?"
"Yeah" I frowned "At the funeral"
"Why would he find that day to explain all that to you?" she looked at me puzzled
"Because I'm a product of that affair, dad isn't my real dad, they've lied to me all this time"
"That was when things changed for us?" she said out loud, but she was talking to herself, thinking about our life in the beginning, I could see it on her face
Our life together had started in the usual way hooked up for a few weeks, just talking and drinking lots of coffee, then one day we caught feelings, she was the first to share about all that, I was scared. There was no hesitation on my part once I knew how she felt, I was the first to say the L word, and her response was for us to dive into bed, we fucked for a while, the newness of it all sort of leant itself to that. Then one day we found ourselves with nothing to do except stay in bed and that gave us some time to get to know each other's body, experimenting went to another level for three days straight and we came out of that addicted to love making.
Two years later our families were best friends, and we were talking engagement, within a year after the engagement we were Mr and Mrs Sam Evans, we moved to Florida, brought our house, got our dream jobs, and settled into married life, until the funeral. I'm not going to lie, sex was always at the top of our agenda, morning, lunch times if we could and definitely at night whenever we were together, and maybe it still is, but for the wrong reasons.
At a guess I'd say she misses me sucking and licking on her body, but she's never complained or asked for it, and since the funeral I've never offered, and I'd shut it down enough times when she's tried to do it to me, she just doesn't try anymore, and that's all on me.
"It just means everything about my life is a lie, my dad said he's not my dad he just kept up the pretence in defence of my mother, for the shame it would have brought on him, but he's over that now"
"So, who's your dad"
"Uncle Sam's my father"
"Uncle Sam?" she gasped
"So, you see my whole life has been a lie" he huffed "The one thing that's a relationship dealbreaker is me"
"But you didn't lie to me, you've been lied to"
"I don't know where to start with all this, but I know I need to end this behaviour, I know I need to give you the life you deserve, and I know I can't live in the past anymore" he sat up "But I'm finding it all hard"
"We can go see someone, if you think it will help?"
"I want to be better"
"So, we'll see someone, tomorrow" she sat up to look at me "Is that what you want?"
"Yeah" I smiled at her, maybe with someone neutral in the room, I might feel better with getting it all out
"After work, I'll set it up"
End of back story
So here we were sitting in this very brown room sat opposite a woman asking me a question I needed her to answer
"So, what happened?" Emma Pillsbury, the counsellor asked
"My mother died eight months ago, at her funeral I found out that my father wasn't my father, my mom had an affair with my so-called uncle" I ranted "And all that's not supposed to mean shit to me, should it? I mean I'm still who I am right?" I looked at Mercy "But ever since I found that out, I've lost touch with love, I mean I know I love my wife, but I'm finding it really hard showing her how much"
"Sam" Mercy looked at me sad and shocked
"I'm dead inside, I've lost something about myself, lost respect for my mother, hate my dad for being so fucking weak about things, scared my wife's going to go off and do some stupid shit like that, everything's just spinning around in my head" I stopped to think for a second knowing I'd said too much already "I mean I thought my mother was a devoted, Christian, I'd have called her an angel for fuck sake, how could she be this… this slut?"
"You're never going to get the answer to that unless your father knows it" Emma told me her tone almost sarcastic
"I guess I'll only ever have his version, which is that he wasn't that interested in sex" I huffed "But I don't get the connection between what they did, and why I can't make love to my wife"
"We do, you do" Mercy grabbed my hand smiling
"We don't babe, I treat you like a piece of meat, I know what's going on in my mind, I'm just scared you'll run off with someone else, that's why I demand sex every morning"
"You don't demand it, we both…"
"We fell into it at first, and like you, I thought it was the grief but now?" I looked at her "Somethings wrong babe" I felt the urge to think for a second "I can't remember the last time we talked; I mean just talked about us"
"It's the first step Sam letting Mercy see your vulnerability, telling her how you feel" Emma smiled at me "So you already know what the problem is, you just need to find a way back to each other?"
"I need to get back to making love to my wife" I looked at Mercy hoping she was understanding me
"You need to learn how to love again?" Emma asked
"No" Mercy smiled "He knows how to love" she looked at me and grabbed my hand, still being my rock even in this situation
"Whenever someone presents with emotional trauma, or what we call the iceberg effect, there's usually some subconscious connection you've made between the past and the present, you've already told us what that is" Emma told me "I think we need to start thinking about what your triggers are and how to work through them"
"The issue is we're not making love and he's not happy about that" Mercy looked at me for confirmation "And no disrespect to you Emma, but nobody knows my husband's body like me, so I think I've got this" she got up
"Babe" I got up unsure if she was upset or eager to get home
"We're good babe" she smiled at me grabbing my hand, it felt like we rushed out of the building without saying another word to each other, I thought she was good and mad, and maybe I would have been had she kept all that from me for so long, I was up for taking whatever it was she was going to throw at me. The drive home was just as quiet as leaving the building, I was sitting there wondering what had gone wrong, I mean she'd said we were good, but this wasn't us being good, she was definitely mad
"Are you mad at me?" I asked when we pulled up outside our house
"No" she smiled turning the engine off and getting out the car "Do you want to order something to eat?"
"Sushi?" I asked before getting out the car, this was freaky, I couldn't read her
"Sure" she smiled at me
"The silence is killing me, just get it out" I finally decided to confront her gripe
"You" I heard a smile in her voice and turned to look at her
"What?"
"You were so freaking sexy when you told me you needed me" she reached up and kissed me "And you know I've still got all my moves, I just thought… never mind what I thought" she pushed me inside the house and closed the door. I stood looking into her eyes wondering where this was going, she'd actually kissed me and I should have been ashamed to think it, but it felt alien, we hadn't done that in a while
"Babe" I gasped "I'm not.." I was going to say ready for anything new, but she was on my lips again before I could finish
"Let me love you babe" she looked into my eyes whispering in that sexy husky voice of hers
I closed my eyes remembering her touch, my body was screaming out for her to hold it, but I felt scared that I wasn't going to react the way she needed me to. She wasn't being coy about things she was leading me, teaching me to love her again, her hands moved over my body, and I swear every hair on my body reacted to her. I was fighting with my inner self, forcing myself to love again, nobody is immune to fear, I know that much, I'd lived in fear for eight months, so I couldn't deny that fact, but I had so much fear in me right now I was trembling like a kid.
"Babe" I started to protest
"I've got this" she looked up at me smiling "We've got this" she assured me, grabbing my head to kiss my lips again
There was no logical thinking to what was going on in my head I was in flight mode again, this love business was too much too soon for me, I grabbed her hands that were wrapped around my neck and yanked at them to let me loose. "Babe" I gasped genuinely shocked to hear fright in my voice
"Did you order?" she asked moving across the room as if I hadn't just rejected her
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be" she smiled "Drink?" she held a glass up at me, so here she was with that look again "I'm starving" after that I couldn't read her, she had her back to me all the time she was in the kitchen. I felt sick with myself, I got my phone out and ordered the food with the hope that we were going to try that again, and I was going to be different
Someone had told me once, maybe Mike, that courage is about acting in spite of my fears, and true intimacy comes from letting the one you love in, despite your reservations. I stood there talking myself into being brave, telling myself that there was always going to be risk when you gave a part of you away, and asking myself not to throw what I had away on a stupid feeling that I knew would never happen for us.
"Babe" I walked towards her, she turned as I got to her "I'm just scared of putting myself out there and getting rejected I guess it would kill me"
"I know babe" she smiled at me, that smile that told me everything was going to be alright "I was feeling exactly how you're feeling when we first got together, nobody could force me into things, just like I'm not going to force you, but I know we'll get there"
"How do you know?"
"Because your thing is adultery and mine is lies, together we're committed, we'll work" she signed "I'm not your mother babe, and you're not my father"
"Your father?" I gasped she'd never mentioned it
"He did that to my mom all my childhood, I vowed I didn't want someone like him, or her, she was weak" she looked up at me "And when I met you I decided they weren't going to define me, because I wasn't them"
"Babe" I stood looking at her, how blind had I been that I hadn't seen this
"I was happy to have sex because it meant you weren't looking outside, I know the fears babe, I live with them too, I just don't let them consume me"
"I…" I looked at her knowing she understood where I was "I need us to get back to us, I don't want this anymore, it's not living"
"We will" she smiled just as the door knocking "Food" she widened her eyes; I watched her grab the food and all I could think was that she needed to be loved even more than I did "Grab some plates" she smiled walking towards me
"Later" I grabbed hold of her, realising my one fear was that my wife was unhappy, I needed her to be happy "Let me love you" I whispered grabbing her lips, I was determined to bring us back, she didn't resist, we made love right there in the kitchen, more than once
Friday
"I'm in the mood for love, simply because you're near me, funny but when you're near me, I'm in the mood for love…" 'I'm In The Mood For Love' by Emmaline
I smiled at hearing her in the shower already "Come back to bed then"
"You come here" she giggled; I didn't argue I got up
I grabbed her hips and flung her up against the shower wall, we both giggled at the dramatics "I love you Mrs Evans" was all I could find to express the way I was feeling
"I love you too Mr Evans" she smiled kissing me "Fuck life into me"
"You shouldn't ask for what you can't manage" I warned
"I'll show you what I can manage" she giggled