Chapter 39: Sacrifices

Meredith slowly opened her eyes, her eyelids felt like lead. It took her a moment to remember where she was. She looked around the room, noticing she was hooked to various machines. The two seats to her side were empty, but as she moved her eyes further, she noticed Derek sitting at a small table on the opposite side of the room, papers spread everywhere as he tiredly studied something on his laptop.

Feeling her gaze on him, Derek lifted his eyes to meet her apprehensive green ones. He rested his hand on top of the open computer screen before him as he debated something in his head. Slowly he closed his laptop as he finally spoke.

"Hey." His tone was unreadable, matching his expression.

"Hey." Meredith echoed, suddenly feeling awkward.

She shifted uncomfortably on the bed, wondering why he was there. After all she'd done to him, after all her mistakes, after everything that had happened the day before.

And then it hit her, the frightening events of yesterday rushing back with swift terror. The cramping, the pain, the blood. Her baby.

Meredith's eyes grew wide and her hand automatically found her swollen belly, resting on the large bump carefully. Her eyes moved panicked from Derek, to the rhythmic monitor to her side, and then back to Derek, worry sketched on her features.

Derek immediately recognized Meredith's anxiety and stood.

"The baby's fine." He reassured, his voice calm and soothing.

His patience surprised Meredith and caused her to shrink back even further in her bed, tears stinging her eyes. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve him being wonderful and comforting and amazing.

She shook her head, remorse filling her to the core.

"I'm sorry." Her voice cracked.

"For what?" Derek studied her, his gaze intense and boring into her soul.

Meredith tilted her head, a little taken back at the ricocheted question.

"Wh…Hu?" Was he really going to force her to say it?

Derek spoke again, this time more careful. "What exactly are you apologizing for Mer?"

Her heart panged at the warm endearment of her shortened name. Meredith swallowed difficultly before beginning.

"For…for yesterday. For letting this happen… with the baby. For going into labor too early."

Derek let out a loud frustrated sigh as he ran a hand roughly through his hair.

She immediately cursed herself for making him mad and decided to try harder to apologize.

"I'm so sorry Derek…I should have taken it easier…slowed down…Maybe if I wouldn't have scrubbed in on the…"

"Stop!"

Meredith shrunk back at the forceful command. Her lip trembled and she fought a sob, but she remained quiet.

"Meredith… just stop." Derek continued, softening his voice a little. "Stop blaming yourself. For everything. You didn't do anything wrong…women go into premature labor all the time, it's nobody's fault. So just stop. Stop everything. Stop saying you're fine when it's obvious you're not… stop acting like you don't deserve happiness and that everything bad that's ever happened to you is your fault… And lastly Mer… stop pushing me away. Because no matter how hard you try… no matter how stubborn you are… I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stay… whether you want to admit you need me or not. BecauseI need you…I want you… and Meredith… I'm not going anywhere." He repeated again.

Meredith's heart ached as the perfect man stood before her saying the most perfect things. She didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve happily ever after. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't she just accept what was laid out in front of her?

It was too late, she thought to herself. There was already too much water under the thingy or whatever. She had made too many mistakes, hurt him too badly to be given this second chance, or really third chance.

The first tear slipped free, and Meredith raised her left hand to brush it away. And it was then that her eyes fell on the beautiful ring, sitting perfectly on her ring finger like it had never been absent.

Meredith's eyes shot back up to Derek who now stood with a mischievous smile.

"That's where it belongs." He said simply.

Meredith shook her head. "I... I don't deserve you, Derek."

"Why do you keep saying that Mer?" He was beginning to lose his patience once again.

"Be..because…you're so wonderful…and I'm me… all dark and twisty… and you deserve someone who doesn't complicate things… or bring you down… you deserve better…"

Meredith's voice shook as she cried, the honesty of her words shattering her heart but knowing she loved Derek enough to want what was best for him.

Derek crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "Are you done?" He used the same tone of voice he used on Carwyn when she would throw her occasional fit.

Meredith didn't speak, just nodded, looking up at the scowling man through her tears.

"Good." He said, pausing a moment before continuing. "How many times do I have to say this? I. Love. You. I. Want. You. No one else. I want your complications…. I love your dark and twistiness. It is not your job to try and protect me Mer. It is my job to protect you and our children… our family. I am a grown man… hell I'm a brain surgeon… I think I can decide for myself what I want. So, I'm not going to let you do this any longer. You're not pushing me away… I'm not going anywhere. We're going to get you through the nine weeks left of your pregnancy…we're going to welcome another perfect baby into our lives… and then… when you're ready… we're going to walk down the aisle and say I do. And I cannot wait to see you in a beautiful white dress… with Carwyn tossing flowers as she walks in front of you… coming towards me… and dedicating the rest of our lives to each other."

Derek smiled and crossed the distance to the side of her bed, sitting carefully on the edge and taking one of Meredith's reluctant hands in his.

"So… unless you can look me in the eye… and tell me that you don't want the same thing… that you don't love me anymore… I'm not going anywhere."

Derek stared straight into her watery green eyes with his piercing blue ones as he watched her struggle internally. Finally after a few excruciatingly quiet moments of Derek second guessing his assured confidence, Meredith finally spoke, her voice a pitiful squeak.

"I…can't."

Derek took a sharp breath in.

"I…can't say that. Because I love you Derek… and I want nothing more than to walk down that aisle and become your wife." She finally let the rest of her tears free. "I love you so much Derek…I'm so sorry!"

As her small cries became strong sobs, Derek wrapped her protectively in his arms, scooting further on the bed so he could lie directly next to her, welcoming the feel of her warm body next to his, something he had ached for since she'd left him.

"I'm sorry Derek." She said again, burying her face in his soft sweater and breathing in the intoxicating scent she thought she'd never privilege herself in smelling again.

"Shhh…" He murmured, running his hands gently in circles on her back and stroking her soft hair. "I told you no more apologizing…. I shouldn't have walked away. I shouldn't have let you push…it's just as much my fault Mer, so stop apologizing."

They remained silent for a while. Both enjoying being in one another's arms, both enjoying the feeling of security and forever that the other brought. Meredith's sobs stilled and her tears dried, and she finally looked up to meet Derek's eyes.

"I love you." She said again, the remorse of not sharing those three words with him for the last month still sharp.

"I love you too." Derek echoed, at once becoming lost in her beautiful green eyes that still shimmered from her previous tears.

Meredith felt her heart quicken as Derek's eyes fell to her lips. She loved how even now, seven months pregnant with their second child, he could make her go week in the knees like a silly girl with a crush.

Without thinking, her tongue softly moved across her dry lips, in hopes to make it easier to find something to say, instead of staring back speechless at him.

The movement of her hypnotic tongue across her smooth lips, leaving them wet and inviting was all the invitation he waited for. Four weeks was way too long and he needed to be reminded what she tasted like.

He lowered his mouth, his lips barely brushing against hers, testing her reaction. Meredith was never one to reject Derek's lips, so she moved a hand behind his head, resting her fingers in his dark curls as she pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Derek teased her first. Moving his tongue across her amazing lips and pulling away when she'd open her mouth. He nibbled on her bottom lip and let a deep chuckle escape from his throat as she moaned frustrated.

He pulled back a moment to let their eyes lock, hers half closed and his dark with desire. Satisfied that she truly wanted him as much as he needed her, he lowered his mouth to deepen the kiss when the door swung open, causing him to halter his intentions.

"Oh…. well…. I guess I don't have to ask how things went…" Addison spoke, rolling her eyes to the fact that Derek was already in bed trying to mount his pregnant fiancée.

Derek laughed and shook his head. "Good morning Addison." He said with a groan.

"Good morning." She smiled good heartedly, moving her glasses down her nose so she could talk to her two friends.

Addison went on about the medications Meredith received the day before and how they were doing their job wonderfully. Everything looked fine and Meredith would be able to be discharged later that day as long as she promised to follow doctor orders.

That sounded fine to Meredith, she was eager to get home to her own bed and see Carwyn who had stayed the night with George and Callie.

"That sounds great Addie. But what exactly are your doctor's orders?" Meredith was afraid this was too good to be true.

"Well, first off… you need to cut back on your hours. No more than fifty a week."

Meredith reared back, fifty wasn't that much for a resident but she would do what she had to for the safety of the baby.

"Second," Addison continued. "You may not be on your feet for longer than an hour at a time. That means taking breaks through out the day. Make yourself sit down, even during surgeries, you need to find someone who can assist when you need to rest. It's imperative."

Meredith nodded again, that would be tough as well, but doable.

"And last," this time Addison met both Meredith and Derek's gaze before continuing. "…and I hate to do this to you… but absolutely under no circumstances are you to have sex. No intercourse, no orgasms, nothing."

"WHAT?!"

Meredith turned surprised to Derek who had yelled out, breaking his silence from their whole conversation.

Addison and Meredith glared at him as he quickly turned an amusing shade of red.

"I mean…are you sure…" He tried to cover himself.

"Yes, I'm sure Derek." Addison scolded as Meredith gave him a quick elbow in the side.

Derek sighed rubbing his temples with two fingers. "Fine. No sex. I can do that."

Meredith and Addison both laughed and rolled their eyes. He was acting like he was the patient.

Meredith patted him mockingly on the shoulder. "You'll be fine Derek. You'll see."

Derek shook his head. He wasn't so sure he would be fine. He'd already been deprived of sex with Meredith for four torturous weeks; he wasn't so sure how he could make it nine more.

But looking at the beautiful woman sitting next to him, their growing child inside her womb, he knew that this ultimate sacrifice would be worth it. Because Meredith always was.