20 August 2018
I took the day off.
Not gonna lie, Tom. It felt weird.
Me and time off, we're not things that fit together. Clint calls it a character fault, but I just don't like being idle. And, to me, spending all day long doing something that isn't useful is idle.
Maria and Coulson used to have to beg me to take time off. Most of the time they enlisted Clint's help to get me off base to 'relax'. The first time they pretended there was a mission on home soil, Clint drove us all the way to Iowa and I spent a week with him and his family on the farm.
It became their go to ploy whenever they thought I needed to take time off. I wised up to it pretty quickly, but by that point I was pretty much wrapped round Coop and Lila's little fingers, and if they were expecting me I wasn't going to disappoint them.
But on the times that I dug my heels in and insisted I keep working, Nick himself gave me my holiday marching orders. And he doesn't like getting involved in such menial matters. I used that time to hole up in one of my safe houses and improve my skill set. Only after a long day of my own brand of relaxing did I curl up on the sofa with a book and a glass of whatever was to hand.
Which is my very longwinded way of saying that me taking the time off to go shopping for a bridesmaid dress was even weirder.
Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details. I don't need to relive the experience any time soon. All you need to know is that it took far too long and I think it's topped my list of most horrific tortures. First of all my hair was a problem (my shade of blonde didn't quite go with the colour Pepper had in mind for the dress), once we found a way around that the scar on my shoulder (courtesy of the Winter Soldier, the guy shoots me a lot) terrorised Pepper into giving up her vision of a strapless dress in favour of a single strap that would cover the ugly blemish. We found the answer, and it didn't look bad. But the expression on Pepper's face after all the hassle of finding something else was enough to make me feel guilty for getting shot.
I won't get started on the shoes. Let's just say I've had better times freefalling through the sky.
Rhodey and I were the only other members of the wedding party, I wondered if he and Tony would have as much trouble.
With my dress sorted, the end of the day found us in a room too pink and fluffy for my taste. For Pepper's too, but there's just no accounting for tacky decor.
She stood in the middle of it surrounded by mirrors, pressing her hands to her stomach. The dress she wore was simple, and all the more beautiful for it. She fell in love with it the moment she put it on. When she thought no one was looking, she swayed to get the gown moving and the happiest smile spread across her face before turning into something more along the lines of surprise.
"Oh," she said and brought her hands to her stomach again.
"What's wrong?" I was up and by her side in an instant, aware that, for the past few years, fate has been nothing but a cruel mistress.
"No, nothing," she breathed, "nothing's wrong. Here." She grabbed my hand and placed it beneath hers. Her hands were warm and the fabric of the dress was smooth. I froze at the intimacy of the gesture. It spoke of a level of trust I wasn't used to. A level I didn't know existed between us, and one I wasn't sure I deserved after everything that had happened between me and Tony.
"I think I felt the baby move," she said, her voice low as if she would scare it away otherwise. Nothing happened and she held her breath as we continued to wait. Seconds hung in the air as thick as the flowery fragrance they pumped into the room, witness to the strangest stakeout I'd ever been on.
"There," she clutched my hand tighter and moved it to where her other had been, giddy with the joy of what was happening within her, "did you feel it?"
I shook my head. "Is it the first time you have?"
"Yeah, it's like nothing I thought it would be. It's amazing." She let me take my hand back but stayed as she was for a few more seconds, the smile still on her face. "I guess this dress has double approval then."
As she went to get changed I perched on the arm of one of the chairs, learning my lesson from earlier that if you sat it swallowed you whole. The assistant helping us was just plucking up the courage to ask why she recognised me when Pepper swept back into the room. Riding the high of finding her dress and feeling the baby's first movements.
"You know, Natalie-"
"I haven't been her for years."
"When you came into the tower and swept Happy off his feet, I didn't think we'd end up here, doing this."
"And then the Snap happened," I said, not because I was aiming for sympathy or because I was feeling sorry for myself. But because that's what I believed. If half the universe hadn't been snapped away I doubted I would have barely scraped an invite to the wedding, let alone be half of the bridal party.
And then Pepper did something she'd only ever done once before. She surprised me.
"No. Then life happened," she fixed me with a look as she took the dress from the assistant and paid, "Snap or no Snap, you'd be here. Don't think I haven't noticed how I conveniently have time for a nap when I need it, or the things crossing themselves off my to do list."
"That's Rhodey as much as me."
"Sure," she looped her arm through mine and we walked out onto the street together. "He's coming over for dinner in a couple of days, after the boys have got their suits sorted. Please say you'll be there."
"You know, it's so much harder to refuse you in person than it is over email."
"Good, that's what I was counting on."
21 August 2018
Hi Tom,
I'm making progress with Wong. It sounds like I'm using him. I don't know, maybe I am.
Sometimes I can't tell anymore.
He's still hesitant to talk and I like that. Means he's a sensible guy. From what I gather sorcerer numbers are desperately low post-Snap and the loss of Doctor Strange was a particular blow to them. He has to protect what's left.
Speaking to a former Russian spy, infamous for spilling the highly sensitive secrets of SHIELD onto the internet, probably doesn't scream 'good idea'.
Even so, I'm getting a better understanding of what he does, what Strange did. Sort of like an old computer loading up an image pixel by pixel The majority of it is blurry, but some small parts are clear.
He's going to be at the wedding reception. I've asked him if he's willing to talk in person then.
Nebula hologrammed in for a quick chat. She's uncovered a lead on her father's research. The reliability of the source is questionable but she thinks it's safe enough to follow up on. Other than that, life has been pretty much the same for her and Rocket. Find a planet, land, put an ear to the ground, come up almost empty, head back into space.
She said she'll let me know as soon as she knows more.
I'm still hopeful we can find something. A way to counteract the stones. To erase what was done.
Or am I just being naïve?
Sometimes I can't tell anymore.
23 August 2018
Hi Tom,
If there's one thing I've learned about the team in the aftermath of Thanos, it's that we all have different ways of grieving. And yet, all those ways have one purpose in mind.
To forget.
Forget the pain. Forget the guilt. Forget the failure.
Forget it all because the past is set in stone. As much as we wanted to erase it, what happened had happened. History was written.
And it said we lost.
Whatever is said about the fight against Thanos in years to come, no one will ever truly understand the emotions that riddled the surviving fighters. I can't speak for the others but I know since surviving I've felt toxic and tainted, a pervasive guilt has wormed its way through my body, sending all other things to wither in the harsh light of reality. Even as I write this I know the words aren't good enough. It's so much more complex than just guilt.
There was a bitterness gilding the edges of it. A human urge to blame others for all of it and a yawning pit of horror knowing where the blame belongs. There is no relief at being the one to survive because it crushes you. Every breath tastes like betrayal because there was no grand plan. It was random.
I'm alive while the others aren't. I've killed so many people but I'm still here. Sure, we all know life isn't fair, but I thought death might have been. It's a daily battle to swallow these feelings down.
But the call from Okoye today has me teetering on the edge of losing to this poisonous feeling, which I can't afford. God Tom, it's a struggle.
The thing with Okoye is, she prefers not to email. As technologically advanced as Wakanda is, the communities within the country are also tight-knit. Why send an email when you can see them in person? Her figure was most often the one lit up in the haze of hologram blue. And, honestly, it was nice to speak to someone rather than read their words.
"Perhaps Captain Rogers should be here too?"
The sun was setting outside, Steve wouldn't be back until long after it slipped beneath the horizon without a sound. FRIDAY would soon turn the lights on in the occupied rooms. Until then, Okoye illuminated the space around me.
"He's in the city at the moment. I'll let him know when he's back."
"Very well," she shifted on her feet and cocked her head slightly, someone was speaking to her. She replied quickly and returned her attention to me with an apology on her lips.
"No need," I said, waving her words away before she could utter them, "you're a busy woman, I understand."
"As are you."
"Hmmm, true, but there's only one of us here running a country."
She paused for a second, shifting her feet again. It didn't make her look uncertain, she was blessed with confidence. Tempered by her training and the many victories won throughout her career. No, it was more to do with the need to do something. Like mine, her role had gone from something mostly active to something mostly administrative and she was chafing at the shackles that came with it. She bore it well though. She knows her duty is to serve her country in whatever capacity she can. Since she was such a trusted friend of T'challa, general to both him and his father and loyal to the throne always, the country trusted her to look after them in the interim. Shackled she might be, but serve she still shall.
Even so, when she looked at me her expression said she'd rather not say what she was about to.
"Governing bodies across the world have been in touch with us. They wish to mark the first anniversary of the decimation with a televised event in Wakanda."
"Fuck," I said, breathing the word out before clenching my teeth. The burning plains flashed before my eyes.
"My thought exactly," she said with a smirk. Through all our correspondence I had yet to hear her swear. "You will hear about it soon enough, I'm sure. It won't be an event worth holding if they can't parade the surviving Avengers. I thought you would appreciate the heads up."
"I do, thanks."
Neither of us spoke for a few seconds, the same thing stopping both of us. Even though the anniversary was several months away, it was hard to believe that enough time had passed for us to even be talking about it. It just didn't compute that time still moved without all the missing people to witness it.
"They would like to start planning now," she said in the end, "it is the biggest event in human history."
"In the universe's history."
"Yes. But you know better than anyone how short-sighted these people are. Wakanda will be heavily involved in the plans, after years of secrecy we're not about to let a bunch of strangers come onto our land and take control of things."
She said this last bit in such a way that suggested she'd spent the day making this exact point a dozen times over in a dozen different ways.
"On that note," she continued, "I wanted to invite you to join. It does not seem right if the Avengers do not get their say."
"You're an Avenger."
"I must speak for my country, I cannot speak for both. The invitation is there, Nat."
"I'll discuss it with the others," I said, "thank you, Okoye."
She signed off and I was thrown into semi-darkness. All the feelings I mentioned above came swirling back to me in a hurricane of unworthiness and loathing. When it came to marking a year since the Snap would we still be mourning everyone, or would we be celebrating a great evil undone. I know which I preferred. It was the one I dedicated almost every second to.
I could guarantee that not a single one of the Avengers was looking for a way to mark the event. Not since each of us was doing what we could to forget. And none of us would think we belonged there, leading the commiserations, when we were the reason people weren't there.
"Your leaders want to televise the mourning of its people?" Valkyrie had crept in. The casual clothes she wore were stolen from what Carol had left behind. She's not always around, she spent most of her time helping the Asgardians to settle. Now that was pretty much taken care of, she returned to watch over Thor. The Valkyries were meant to serve the Asgardian royal family. It seems she meant to take that responsibility seriously.
"That's what we do, see human suffering and stick it on TV," the thought of going back to Wakanda filled me with dread and nausea, "it's all about being seen to do something and never about what the people actually want."
She didn't say anything and I wondered if I let my cynicism go too far. Maybe people did want it, maybe they'd be glad to grieve as a whole rather than in private.
"Who was that?" she asked and I was glad of the change of subject.
"General Okoye, interim leader of Wakanda and full-time leader of the Dora Milaje. They're all women soldiers," I added at her look of polite confusion, "sort of like the Valkyries, except they use spears and don't have flying horses."
"Unlucky them. When you're flying on the back of one of those things you feel indestructible. Learned the hard way that was bullshit, though."
We hung out in an easy silence. Every now and then we shared a word or two. Neither of us much liked small talk. She disappeared when FRIDAY announced Steve was back. He wasn't happy with the idea, for the first time in weeks I saw the man who wanted to sink to his knees and give into the tears of his grief.
But he agreed, knowing it would go ahead with or without us. We all did what we could to delete the past from our minds. In the end we always remembered, even though there's plenty we'd like to forget, there is one thing we just can't.
We can, and must, never forget what we lost.
9 September 2018
Hey Tom,
Long silence, huh?
I guess it's been busy. All the days are merging into one. Steve's telling me I need to get some sleep. I continue to give him my fuck-off-you-hypocrite stare.
No one's asked us to get involved in the anniversary planning yet. That's good. None of us have been able to face bringing it up in much detail. I did speak to Rhodey and Tony. I saved it for after dinner, the day after the call. There was an excitement weaving itself around the table, the bride and groom having their outfits sorted for the big day was a milestone that made the whole thing seem more real.
Rhodey already knew about the plans. He'd heard rumblings of it in the Washington based corridors. He expected his superior officer to march up to him at any moment and remind him his new duties included attending such events.
Tony didn't know, no doubt choosing not to, but it wasn't unexpected.
Just like Steve, they weren't happy. And, just like Steve, they agreed to it anyway.
I'm going to ask Rocket, Nebula and Carol to attend. Avengers old and new, standing side by side.
Speaking of Rocket, he emails me almost non-stop. Either there's nothing to do, Nebula isn't understanding his jokes, or he's managed to swindle some unsuspecting person from something they value very much.
I shoot him a reply as soon as I've read what he has to say. He replies just as quick.
13 September 2018
Hi Tom,
Thor is becoming a more common sight around the compound. He doesn't do much. Kind of just sits and stares into the distance. The frown on his face, once so infrequent, was a permanent fixture.
At least he's doing nothing in the company of people. I wonder if it's to do with Valkyrie and the constant reminder of his people being so close.
On a couple of occasions Steve's coaxed him into the gym. Violence against inanimate objects helped the both of us get through what felt like impassable walls of grief - except for when it didn't and then both sought the refreshing change of kicking the shit out of human traffickers. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think Thor needed to hear that bit of our self-prescribed therapy just yet. Not that we needed to worry, he never even got as far as the punching bag. He just sat and watched Steve, the frown still fixed firm.
Sometimes he can be found surrounded by the warren of paperwork and heavy duty scientific journals and text books of what I've come to refer to as Bannerland. He lets the frenzied scientist get on with his work, but Bruce never leaves him alone for long. The first time I saw Thor and the Hulk fighting, I never would have guessed at the bromance that's blossomed between them.
At the start of all this, I might've said Thor would spend most of his time with the scientist, if anyone had asked. I'm glad they didn't, it's another thing I would have got wrong. That honour belongs to Valkyrie and myself.
Shocker, right?
With her, he hears stories of his people. She tells him how they're settling into New Asgard, little bits of what happened after he ordered the evacuation of the ship before Thanos boarded. She even treats him to a few lectures of why he needed to get his ass into gear.
I think some of the words sink in. At least, he replies sometimes.
Valkyrie makes sure she's always moving if he's acting as her shadow. Through trial and error she discovered that if she ran or jogged he didn't even try to keep up with her. If she walked, however, he kept pace. They often walk around the grounds or throughout the compound. When they walk up the main corridor I like to think their footsteps are a gentler replacement of the hammering and clamouring of Rocket and Nebula.
And when he was with me, we sat together while I worked. I forsook my desk to sit with him on the sofa. Almost silence stretched between us, punctured by the muted tapping of my fingers against the tablet until there was a call and even the slightest hint of quiet was banished. He listened in.
In the end I read what was going on to him, so used to reading all those books with him. Together we got through reports from our space-bound friends, proposals for operational procedures within WOOPS and a few of the wedding oriented emails from Pepper. Once he was even there for the monthly check in, a silent observer.
Every now and then, though not often, he would offer his thoughts. They were given with such sorrow and regret that I couldn't help but give them thorough consideration for hours at a time.
Though he spends the time sorting through his emotions, I haven't been idle in his company. With the help of Pepper's emails, and the occasional one from Tony, I've planted the idea of attending the wedding in his head. I think part of him misses Tony, they haven't spoken much since after The Garden.
The invitation is also extended to Valkyrie, she'll think about it. She plans to return to New Asgard for good on that day.
If I thought Thor was difficult to convince, Steve was almost impossible. Pepper emailed me a while back stating in no uncertain terms that my fellow former fugitive was to be at her wedding. It's not that he doesn't want to celebrate Tony's happiness, he just feels like Tony would be happier if he wasn't there.
"I don't have an invite," was his go-to excuse.
"Pepper's invited you."
"Nat," he said with a sigh, "I just don't-"
"Or you can be my plus one. Invite says I get one."
"Won't that make Tony mad with you?"
"Please, like I haven't pissed him off before. I can handle Tony."
It was a conversation we'd had a million times over and every time both of us walked away no closer to winning. But, you know, if super powers was a prerequisite for being on the Avengers, mine were strategy and manipulation. I waited until I'd worn him down with the constant asking and pulled out my trump card.
"Do you really think Pepper wouldn't have talked this over with Tony? That she would have asked me if he wasn't okay with it?"
Steve Rogers, the most stubborn fucker you will ever meet. Even a pile of ice couldn't break him. The only thing that could was Steve himself. Give him enough time to think and he'll come round.
21 September 2018
Hi Tom,
Get everything ready for the wedding tomorrow. Done!
Listen to a life-altering announcement at dinner. Also done!
First thing's first, the wedding. The big day is looming and nothing is outstanding. Though I hope I haven't just cursed it.
The excitement radiating from Pepper and Tony is thick and palpable and infectious. It's impossible not to feel when you're in the same room as them. All day the air was suffused with the joy of what tomorrow brings. The happy couple were walking on air.
Rhodey and I, however, were flitting around like blue-assed flies, doing our best not to get entangled in their web of contentment because there was still plenty to prepare.
We turned up a couple of days ago to help chip away at the unending list of tasks. We juggled wedding prep and work. Tried to keep them separate but Tony had a way of making it about the wedding even if it was about people literal light years away. I had to ask Pepper to ban him from being in the same room as Rhodey or I if we were talking shop after he hijacked my call with Nebula to insist she find a way of teleporting back to Earth so she could attend.
As we worked, we kept our fingers crossed that any bad guys making evil plans had the decency to keep them under wraps for a couple more days.
It was a relief when Bruce turned up today to help where he could. More hands to juggle with.
Completion of the list meant we found Chinese food spread out across the dining table, the wafting scent of temptation summoned us. Pepper's treat.
For the first time in a long time, I couldn't wait to eat.
With no distractions it was easy to tell Bruce wasn't quite himself. Or should I say, he was the most himself I'd ever seen. Sure, there were moments when he looked a little on edge, and he fidgeted as if he wanted to say something but stopped himself. But it was by no means the usual nervous energy he exuded.
I thought back to the maths he flung on the boards, the journals he read. I tossed around reasons in my head for why he would throw himself into such a scientific frenzy after Thanos was killed. And I knew my suspicion was no longer just that.
"What's up Bruce?" Tony asked through a mouthful of noodles, his keen eyes also picking up on the change, "you're not pacing a hole into my carpet."
Bruce laughed.
"No, no pacing. But, I, uh. I think I found something," he spoke into his carton of food, studied his chopsticks and let them rest against the side, "wasn't gonna say anything though. Don't want to encroach on your big day."
"Oh, that's tomorrow, Bruce," Pepper said, waving a hand to dismiss his words, "if you don't say it the rest of us will have to put up with a speculating Tony Stark, and that's not something any of us want to deal with right now."
Rhodey and I murmured in agreement while Tony pretended to be offended.
"Is it something to do with the stones?" Rhodey asked, watching the scientist with wary eyes.
"Uh, no, it's not." Bruce's eyes found mine, looking for something I didn't know to give. Or maybe he sensed that I'd figured it out and he wanted to admit it to someone who wasn't second-guessing his words. Either way, I offered him a small smile and an even smaller nod. As the nerves washed away from him, his expression softened and we all glimpsed the man he must have been before the lab accident. "It's something closer to home, actually. I think I've found a way to merge with the other guy."
There was a beat of silence in which Tony dropped the food he was holding back into the container, Rhodey inched forward in his chair, and Pepper grabbed Tony's hand. No one knew what to say. No one knew if he was done talking. Bruce gauged our reaction and saw nothing he didn't like so added: "One person. My brain, his brawn. If I've worked it out right."
"That's amazing news, Bruce," I said. Though it got a little lost under the whooping from Tony and the sincere congratulations from both Pepper and Rhodey.
We spoke about the work a bit more, he did his best to speak in terms we non-science people would understand. In the end he asked FRIDAY to show everyone the formula he'd created.
It almost went over my head, but when one of your marks was a scientist you kind of had to get into his mind, and that meant learning some of what he studied. I knew enough to know what we were looking at was an elegant solution to an inelegant situation. It was also enough knowledge to realise there was something else he hadn't told us.
"Everything has to be perfectly balanced," Bruce explained, "otherwise it could be more him than me or more me than him. It needs to be equal parts us."
"Sounds about right," Tony said. His eyes hadn't left the formula in front of him. He'd spotted the omission too.
"It's a one way thing, right?" I said, "you don't have to transform anymore."
"Yeah. Once it's done it's done. I can't risk someone else undoing it," he spoke to his food, losing his nerve now we'd arrived at the downside. "I lost to him twice, Nat. As the Hulk and as me. I can't help but think that if both parts had worked together, then maybe we could have stopped him."
"It wasn't your fault, Bruce."
"Wasn't yours either, but I know that's not going to stop you from finding a way to blame yourself."
He had me there.
After we finished eating and talking about the prospect of a permanent big friendly giant, he headed back to the compound. He was in charge of making sure Steve and Thor turned up. Our support and goodbyes followed him down the road.
It was bittersweet, the news. We were happy he found a way to be at peace with himself. Happy he finally realised the Hulk was not a part of him to reject, but to accept. But bitter to know that in the aftermath of the Snap, yet another change was happening. Bitter to know that Bruce was driven to this salvation not through an epiphany of self worth, but rather one that fell very close to self loathing.
He would feel better though, two personalities becoming one. He would feel whole. It was the right thing for him. We all knew it.