Scratch.
Scratch.
Scratch scratch scratch.
Laura faltered to a halt and joined everyone else in the room looking around for the source of the noise. Lila yelped and scrambled up to tear Liho away from the back of the sofa she was destroying.
"No you don't," she whispered as the cat gave an undignified mewl and looked far from pleased at being manhandled.
Wanda laughed and everyone looked at her.
"Sorry," she said and her cheeks reddened, "but that's the exact look Nat used whenever someone did something stupid.
"You think the cat got it from her or the other way round?" Maria asked, a slight grin on her face.
And with that interruption it was decided lunch was in order and everyone disbanded. While Clint's stomach was pleased, judging by the loud rumble at the mention of food, the rest of him felt on edge. He'd featured heavily in the last few entries and he wasn't sure if he was in the mood to answer the questions bound to come his way.
He knew he and Nat had seen each other around the time of the anniversary but he didn't remember much beyond waking up on the kitchen floor with a familiar headache, and a vague blurry impression of his best friend ignited by the fire that drove her. And if he could barely remember that then he definitely knew nothing about the meeting she held to make sure he stayed an Avenger only problem.
While Laura was reading that particular part, Steve shot him an apologetic look. Clint just shrugged. He couldn't blame the guy, in fact he fell pretty hard on Steve's side. He had to pay for what he did.
But then a horrible thought occurred to him as he looked at his incomplete family. Perhaps he had paid.
Well, he thought to himself, that thought isn't going to help me get up in the mornings.
He followed Laura into the kitchen, who spent some time rummaging through the cupboards and fridge.
"Ohio," she said at random and Clint stopped in his tracks when she turned to look at him, "does that ring any Natasha related bells to you?"
He trawled through his memories to see if he could dredge up any significant mention but nothing revealed itself. "Nope. Think it might've done with Fury, though."
"Really?"
"Maybe," he shrugged, "he's a hard guy to read."
Laura went back to her rummaging and hummed. "I'm gonna need you to pop to the store tomorrow, hun. We're running out of, well, out of everything."
"Not a problem," Clint said before he came up behind her and kissed the top of her head. "Do you need help in here?"
"Nope," she said, "and if I did I'd ask the kids first. You and anything kitchen related don't mix."
"Agree to disagree," he patted her on the shoulder and headed for the back door, "me and food mix real good."
The day was still fresh and everything about it was crisp. The sunlight that settled on him and the breeze that washed over him were a nice change from the stuffy living room. On any normal day it was a large enough space for him and his family, but add all their guests to the mix and things became a little uncomfortable
He enjoyed it so much that he didn't notice he had company on the stoop at first. To his right stood Wanda, mindless rivulets of red trailing between and around her fingers. She stood with her back to him as she faced the trees. Birds wheeled and danced around the tips of them and it struck Clint how different that sight was to both of them. He was glad to see so many birds all in one place again, he remembered how stark and silent the days were without them, all over the world. And yet Wanda would never know what that world was like. This was a normal sight for her. Almost as if nothing happened.
"Sometimes I think I'm cursed," she said from nowhere, making Clint jump slightly, "these powers, they feel that way. Do you believe in curses?"
Clint stepped up to her and resisted the urge to pull her into a hug. He wasn't quite sure what to do, it was well documented in the very journals they were reading that he wasn't good at dealing with grief. If he couldn't manage his own how could he be expected to help with someone else's?
"I'm no expert on them," he said, "think that's more up that Doctor Weird guy's street."
"But do you believe in them?"
He thought the question through. There were plenty of things he never believed in that ended up being true. Gods, aliens, magic. Though he always had a feeling homicidal robots would be a thing.
"No," he said, "but in this world that doesn't mean anything."
"I do," she said, "though maybe I was cursed before I got my powers. My parents - that whole ordeal - wasn't exactly typical. But Peitro, Viz - I just feel that if I didn't have these," she held her hands palm up so they staged an impressive show of twisting scarlet, "they'd still be alive."
"I'm pretty sure I saw Thanos crap himself when he took you on, Wanda. He faced down an army of our best and brightest, and you were the only one who scared him. I might not know anything about curses, but I do know those powers of yours aren't one. He decimated his troops to beat you. We couldn't have won without you. And if we hadn't have won, Vision and Peitro would have died in vain."
At some point she killed her powers and the red aura around her disappeared. It was hard to tell if the day was brighter or more dull without the light show.
"You are right," she said and her accent slipped into the cracks of her voice, "they did not die for no reason. But they are still dead."
"I wish I could say it gets easier," Clint said, thinking of Laura and the kids, "but I think it's more a case of you get used to it and find a way to carry on."
There was a moment between them that felt heavy and pivotal. A moment that belonged entirely to Wanda. But she didn't say anything. As it passed Clint wondered what it meant, he wondered what the future had in store for the woman stood beside him. But he didn't have much time to think about it because she arched an eyebrow and smirked in such a way there was only one person she could have learned it from.
"Look," he said, "I didn't claim to be an expert on dealing with grief either. Just don't do what I did and you should be fine."
1 August 2019
I'm worried about Steve.
He's whistles his way down the corridors.
Okay, so it's not quite on the same level as those incessant Christmas songs last year, but it's something. Though, I'm not sure what.
Perhaps I shouldn't be worried about him. Maybe I'm over thinking. I've been accused of that a few times.
But worry is my natural state. High alert my only setting.
It started when he began the meetings. The Post-Snap get togethers where people bare their souls to strangers. Where they sit and reminisce about all the things from life before and brace themselves for the difficulty of moving on. You know, because we live in a world where talking fixes everything.
Yeah. Maybe that's where we went wrong. We shouldn't have tried fighting Thanos, we should have spoken to him.
Ever since his first meeting the slump in his shoulders has lessened. The fake smile is more neutral. The gentle passion that once flowed through him started to trickle again. He was not the Steve Rogers from before the Snap, but he was a Steve Rogers I was more familiar with.
No longer so accepting of defeat, no longer willing to sit back and watch how things panned out. He was becoming more proactive again. He was filling the void within himself and how could I resent that? How can I be worried about that?
Tony has his family.
Bruce has his scientific self-improvement thing.
I had the Avengers and WOOPS.
If Steve didn't try to fill the void he'd end up like Thor. Or Clint.
Maybe I'm not worried about Steve.
Maybe I'm worried about what it means for me.
12 August 2019
The hiatus has ended, Tom.
Ronin is back in action.
Another attack, another city. Another mess to clean up.
Just a couple of hours ago I was enjoying the nightlife. You know, the silence of the compound as the early morning eeriness crept through it, the strange clarity with which my thoughts came and offered insight on my many projects.
And then FRIDAY cut through all of that. The AI's voice out of place amongst the stillness.
"Director, there's been another incident."
Just like that, the course of my night was changed.
"When?" My voice cracked on the single word. Bruce was at his new place, doing whatever he needed to with his science and his formula to make sure it worked, while Steve came back from the city late and went straight to bed. My voice hadn't got much use today.
"The police had only just been alerted," FRIDAY said, "they are on their way to the scene now."
"Where?"
"Philadelphia."
I swore. It was impossible to know if Clint was getting more erratic or if he followed someone there. Or if it was a tactical move on his part. The more law enforcement we had to 'work' with the more difficult it was gonna get.
"Have you alerted Rhodes?"
"Not yet Director, he just returned home from a mission and has been asleep for two hours and forty seven minutes. You were awake."
I swore again, then asked FRIDAY to patch me through to him. If there was a choice I would have let him catch up on his sleep. The man just keeps on going. It doesn't matter what's cropped up where, he'll get to it. In the morning he's shutting down a bank robbery, in the afternoon he's in the middle of a meeting with some high ranking politicians and officials. But it was those same officials who wanted him on this case and any deviation would mean serious trouble for the Avengers.
"S'up," he said, his voice still thick with sleep.
"Afraid I'm gonna need you to be a bit more awake than that."
"Says the woman who never sleeps." He yawned and I had to stifle my own. "I've only been home three hours."
"Sorry Rhodey, duty calls."
"Funny, it sounds a lot like you calling. Alright, hang on." There was some stumbling on the other end of the line. He muttered a few things I pretended not to hear and poured himself some coffee.
"Some would say that's not the healthiest life choice."
"Stuff it Romanoff, it's past four in the morning."
"Never said I was one of those people," I let myself smile as he cursed, hoped just the act of it would be enough to calm the upheaval I felt within. "Our killer of killers is back. FRIDAY just alerted me."
"Ugh, why couldn't he save it for the morning."
"Well-"
"Don't you dare tell me it is the morning. It's that sort of smart-mouth comment I don't need right now." He took a gulp of his drink. There were thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and I just wanted them to go away. I focussed in the sound of his caffeine intake and the chill at my desk despite the earlier heat of the day. The slight lightening of the sky through the window enough for me to know it was a chill that would soon be burned away. "Is it at least in the city?"
"It's in a city," I said and sent him an email, "I've just forwarded you the details."
"Gotcha."
"Sorry again, Rhodey. Wish I could leave you to get more rest."
"We'll sleep when we're dead, right?" He sighed and I imagined he was rubbing a hand over his eyes. "I'll keep you updated."
"Thanks."
And he was gone. Back on another mission with little sleep.
And I was left alone to the silent emptiness of the compound around me, somehow trapped in the noisy confines of my head.
"FRIDAY," I said, more to put off the shouted thoughts than anything else, "can you put together an analysis of all the attacks so far, please. See if there's anything we can learn from his pattern of attacks. Would be great if we can get ahead of him."
"On it."
"Email me the report once it's done. And can you email Steve, Tony and Bruce to let them know about the attack, please. I'd rather they didn't hear it on the news first."
"Sure thing, Director."
And then there was nothing left to distract me. At least not indoors, so I grabbed you and headed to the roof as fast as I could. But it was never fast enough to outrun the feelings that demanded I feel.
The ones I put off because I just don't know how to feel them. At least not properly. Not well enough to explain. I want to say I'm angry but it doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound big enough. I'm pissed, I'm fuming and furious and enraged. All of those things rolled into one massive temper ready to explode.
And still it's not enough.
Because I'm tired, too. Weary. Exhausted. So goddamn exhausted of everyone forgetting to use their brains. For kicking their common sense to the kerb like it's nothing but trash and expecting someone else to pick it up after them with little fuss.
I'm done with these little factions that have cropped up over such a long time; Team Ironman, Team Cap, Team I'll do Whatever the Fuck I Want Because I'm a Trained Assassin with a Sword.
Aren't we all on the same team? Isn't that what this whole crappy thing was supposed to be about?
Team Avengers.
But we've all splintered off and we keep splintering. And every time Clint kills a bunch of people the worse it'll get. Because this is too similar to the events that lead to our breakup to be ignored.
I'm doing my best to hold what's left of us together.
But I don't think it's enough anymore.
14 August 2019
Hey Tom,
The killer of killers is now officially called Ronin. It's been all over the news since Rhodey gave it to the interested parties, along with a story that we picked up chatter about the guy from our less than savoury contacts.
FRIDAY's report was with me in a few minutes. I must have read it a thousand times already, looking for something that will tell me where he'll strike next. Even the AI can't predict his actions.
Not now, at least. I had to hope that one day we could. I had to believe that.
In other news, better news even, Pepper's sent everyone a video of Morgan trying to crawl. She hasn't quite got the hang of it yet but everyone involved is cheering her on and laughing. I've probably watched that a thousand times too.
23 August 2019
Hi Tom,
Today Pepper and I travelled to the far flung reaches of...Canada. The snow in winter reminds me of Russia, but the people are different.
Last time I was here I was making my way to an airfield post-mission. My weapons were slung into a duffel bag in the trunk, except for the dozen or so I hid about my person. My suit was chucked into the bag alongside them. No trace of blood but that didn't mean I hadn't just terminated a few problems.
My thoughts were about getting back to base; I'd won a bet with Clint and he needed to pay up. Then my treacherous car skidded into a snow bank. There was no lasting damage, to me at least - the rental car was a whole other matter. The first person to go speeding by doubled back on themselves. The guy who got out to help was kinda tubby, thinning hair on the top of his head, and what could only be described as a jovial face. All I kept thinking was "if you knew who I was you'd run as fast as you could in the other direction."
I wonder if in the years since he'd put two and two together and figured out who I was.
I sighed.
"What's your problem," Pepper said from the co-pilot's seat. At first she'd opted to sit behind me and focus on the work she'd brought with her, but the view from up front in a Quinjet was better than what any tiny window on the side of a plane could offer, whether it was private or not. She soon laid her work to one side and joined me.
"Nothing," I said, "just breathing."
"It's the visit, isn't it? You don't want to do it. It'll be fine, trust me. Just follow my lead," she said. We were fulfilling the other half of our promise today, off to visit the facility we'd judged to have the best decorated communal area for Christmas. "It'll be a few hours, sure, but it'll mostly be shaking hands and hugging a few people."
I snorted. "I think you're the one who should worry about the hugging," I said and scanned the view in front of us, ever vigilant.
"You'd be surprised," she laughed, "that Black Widow reputation might not be what you think it is anymore."
I peeled my eyes away from the horizon and shot her a dark look. "You take that back."
She laughed again and watched as I adjusted some of the controls. Much like Tony, Pepper had a curious mind. Unlike Tony, she didn't use it as an excuse to be annoying.
"It never ceases to amaze me how many thing you can do, you know."
"Huh?"
"Well, it's like, give you any task and you don't just do it, you ace it. How do you know how to do so much?"
"I learned it," I said.
"Oh, you know what I mean. I have a few years head start on you but I'm still pretty far behind, and I'm no slacker."
"You can do plenty of things I can't," I said.
"Yeah, like what?"
"Like put up with Tony on an almost constant basis."
"That is true." And she laughed again. "But, I mean when you were at Stark Industries you were pretty well entrenched. You knew that job inside out. I spoke to your colleagues after you left and they were sad to see you go, said you were a diligent worker and you'd made yourself part of the team"
"That wasn't me, that was Natalie Rushman."
"Is there a difference?"
"I'd be a pretty bad spy if I just played myself with a different name." I spared her another look and she was still smiling. "Fitting in is part of the job description."
"But fitting in everywhere?"
"One of the perks of belonging nowhere, like Madam B said." The problem with Pepper Potts is that not only is she a perceptive woman, she's also someone it's easy to relax around. And when you relax you say things you shouldn't. And the aforementioned perceptiveness means she doesn't miss a damn thing.
"Who's Madam B?" She asked and I mentally kicked myself. I spent a few seconds thinking of an answer to get me out of answering but Pepper took it as a sign I didn't want to carry on with that route of the conversation.
"People asked me about you a lot when you were on the run, you know," she said and settled back into her seat, "the others too, but mainly you. Think they expected me to hate you because you switched sides at the last minute. They were always surprised when I said you were a friend.
"My secretary was one of them. You saved her life in 2012, you know. She was in New York when the Chitari attacked. She and several other people were trapped in their cars. They watched as some of the aliens advanced on them, struggling to free themselves. Then you turned up and kicked, punched and blasted the Chitari away. It gave them enough time to break out and flee for the perimeter. Ever since she's believed in the Avengers and what they stood for. Even after Sokovia. She asked me about you not because she wanted me to hate you, but because she wanted to know she still had something believe in."
She paused and I knew there was more to the story but she wasn't quite delving into it just yet. So I sat in my chair, kept an eye on the flight path ahead, and felt confused.
"Why did you tell me that?" I asked at last.
"So you know that you do belong. Whatever this Madam B person said, you belong somewhere and it's always been with us. The Avengers and their supporting cast."
I didn't know what to say so opted to keep my mouth shut.
"She was with me last year, my secretary, when everything unfolded," Pepper said and her eyes were distant, "I learned a long time ago I don't like to be alone when Tony's off risking his life, so I went to the office. She was there as everything unravelled, when I phoned Tony, when reports came of a similar attack in Scotland, when you guys were seen coming back to America, when the violence in Wakanda broke out. And she was there when the Snap happened. Until she wasn't. I'll never forget the look in her eyes as she reached out to me with arms turning to ash."
There was a heavy silence in the wake of Pepper's words. So many people had similar stories and yet they never lost their horror. They never failed to send me back to that clearing in the trees with Vision's body and the ash of our teammates surrounding us.
"And I told you that so you know it's okay to share," she added.
I bit my tongue as the urge to blurt everything out pushed at me. No matter what she said I couldn't just become someone who found it easy to talk. But I could at least try, and I knew what she wanted.
"Madam B," I said, going slow, "was the person in charge of our...intensive education."
"'Intensive education' means?"
"Training, seducing, killing," I said, "that was the Red Room way. Part of me is afraid that no matter how well we try to run these facilities, someone might take advantage of these children like the Red Room did us. And I can't be complicit in that."
This time silence followed my heavy words and I regretted speaking.
"We'll scrap our annual inspection policy and implement one for surprise inspections on a more regular basis." She caught me looking at her. "Your childhood is still a mystery to me but I know enough to know that no child should experience what you did, I can't be complicit in that either. These children deserve the best care we can give them."
I felt a little lighter, just a little. I wasn't sure if it was because she listened or because she had a solution or because the worry wasn't just my own.
I nodded. She didn't say anything but she did reach out and give my arm a brief squeeze.
"Better buckle up," I said, "we're about to land."
A/N: Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well :)
So, about a week and half ago this fic turned a year old! In all honesty I expected to be finished by now, but the idea just kept growing and growing. I'm sure there are times you can see evidence of the growing pains, but that's one of the things I've learned about my writing since starting this - must plan better.
For everyone who's stuck around since I first started this a year ago, thank you for your patience and continued support. The fact this story gets views every week astounds me, and every time there's a new favourite, follow or comment it amazes me how many people want to take the time out of their day to read what I've written. And on that note, to all the new people and everyone, really, thank you for being with me on a journey I was nervous to take.
You're all amazing.