Chapter 12: Christmas Eve - part 2
Harvey gets to experience the Paulsens' Christmas Eve tradition of walking to the local Christmas market to get eggnog and a new decoration for the Christmas tree. Though of course Donna will be sticking to hot chocolate this year. With whipped cream, she points out innocently, just to see the look on his face.
It's snowing lightly, and they wrap up warm to walk into town. Donna looks cute in a turquoise fitted beanie with a huge pom pom and matching scarf. Harvey fights the urge to take her hand and walk alongside her: he knows he needs to give her space to mend fences with her dad. So instead, he falls into step with Clara, who tells him amusing stories about Donna as a kid at Christmas, that he's pretty sure would embarrass her if she had been listening.
When they arrive, Harvey is pleased to see Donna relaxing, returning to her usual bouncy self after the upset of the past couple of days. He always appreciates her looks, her liveliness. But here, now, he is mesmerized by her: she's beautiful, with her cheeks glowing in the cold, and she exudes such enthusiasm for everything. She exclaims over the ornaments with childlike delight, choosing a cherub to represent the baby; she takes his gloved hand in hers and pulls him through the crowd to get a closer look when the band starts playing carols; and, first checking her parents aren't watching, she blobs a little whipped cream on his nose with a knowing smile.
Her joy is infectious, and Harvey's spirits soar. He hasn't enjoyed Christmas so much since he was a little kid. So many times he wants to pull her close and kiss her, but he remembers her rebuke from this morning, and holds back.
They just don't feel like friends, whatever they tell themselves, he thinks. But while he can do this, the boyfriend thing, while they're out of the city in vacation mode, it all goes to shit as soon as they're back in New York and the pressures of work kick in. He can't in all good faith sweep her off her feet, tell her he is in this, he is ready, and he's sure he won't break her heart. The thought chills him. But Donna links her arm through his, and takes him off to look at the Christmas candy, and he relaxes back into the present moment.
When it's time to leave, Harvey engineers it so that he walks with Donna, keen to spend a little time with her alone before they get home. Her parents walk ahead, giving them space. The snow is falling lightly, darkness has fallen and fairy lights are twinkling from the trees. It couldn't be more romantic. He's very aware that it's probably dangerous.
They admire and critique the crazy holiday decorations they see along their route, then fall into silence.
"Harvey?"
"Yeah?"
"You said you loved me earlier."
Yeah. I did. I do. I thought you knew that," he says softly, looking down at her, small beside him in her winter boots.
She shakes her head. "No." She pauses. "Maybe. But I don't know how you love me, not really."
He wants to bolt. He doesn't know where to start. He can't screw this up. The stakes are too high.
"I don't know, Donna. I just… love you. I don't know if I'll be able to put it into the right words the way you want."
She nods, unsatisfied, but surprised she got that much out of him. Then, unexpectedly, he stops walking and continues.
"I can't bear to think of life without you. It's always been that way. But I'm still trying to figure out what it means, loving someone, loving you. With Dr Agard. The therapist.
"It can't be just about selfishly holding on to you at any cost. I know I've been guilty of that. But for this work, it needs to be something I do. Little things every single day. Putting you first. Like you do for me. And I need to be sure I can sustain that, day in, day out."
Donna doesn't know what to say. On tiptoes, she leans in and kisses him chastely, her lips lightly grazing his. Instantly a wave of heat rushes through her body, the familiar ache between her legs returning. This is ridiculous, she thinks. She has no idea how she is going to get through this weekend without blowing apart their sensible arrangement.
"Just so you know, I love you too, Harvey Specter."
"Do you?" he looks serious.
"You really doubt it?" She pats his arm gently. "And not like a cousin or a brother, like I once said."
"Yeah, even I had that part worked out," Harvey chuckles.
He takes her hand, and they walk the rest of the way home in comfortable silence. Being together this way feels like coming home. And not like their turbulent childhood , and easy, the way home should be.
….
Back at the Paulsens', they have a family dinner, which goes surprisingly well, watch Die Hard with a glass of wine, then decide to call it a night. Harvey heads to a guest annexe on the ground floor, a little separate to the main house, while Donna goes upstairs to her room.
Lying in bed, she just isn't falling asleep. She feels flooded with desire and desperate for relief. Her body is crying out for Harvey. She touches herself, thinking of him, being with him this morning, on their trip, the other time. But it's no good: it brings her no satisfaction; in fact just inflames her desire.
All she can think about is Harvey's large hands roaming her body, Harvey's mouth tasting her. After half an hour tossing and turning, she gets out of bed and tiptoes along the hallway and down the stairs, feeling like the rebellious teenager that she never was, trying to avoid the creaky floorboards.
She opens his door and hears him stir in the dark. She dimly sees him wordlessly pull the covers back and make space for her. She snuggles into his warmth, he wraps her in his arms, presses a kiss into the crook of her neck, and his breathing regulates as he falls back asleep.
Damn. What now? thinks Donna, frustrated. If she was horny as hell in her room alone, being pressed against Harvey's bare chest, held in his strong arms, with his hot breath on her neck, isn't going to help matters. She's restless in his arms, and once again, she wakes him, more fully this time.
"You OK?" he whispers groggily in the dark.
In answer, she grinds herself into him, turns to face him and trails her fingers up his arm and down his back. She feels him grow hard against her, and she slides her hand underneath his pyjamas, pumping him slowly up and down.
"Donna, we shouldn't," he hisses.
In her current state, shouldn't just makes her want it all the more. "Just this once. An early Christmas present for both of us."
"But this morning you said…"
"I don't care what I said Harvey. I need this."
He switches on the lamp on low, bathing the room in gentle light. "Need?" He looks amused.
"It's all I can think about," she tells him frankly.
He is staring at her in sleepy disbelief. "But you're pregnant. Doesn't that….?"
"No, quite the opposite. It's a second trimester thing. And in my situation, it is torture. She rolls over and grabs his phone, and does a quick search, and reads out the results.
"Many women experience an increased libido late in the first trimester and in the second. Along with this increased libido comes increased vaginal lubrication and a hypersensitive clitoris due to extra genital blood flow. Take advantage of this time with your partner and share in the joy of how your body is changing."
"And you're the closest thing I have to a partner, mister. So I need you to get on board and share the goddamn joy!"
They both laugh, then Harvey looks more serious. "Donna. I want to. I do. I want you so fucking badly," he says softly. "But don't we need to keep our lines clear?"
"Our lines are already as blurry as lines can get, Harvey."
"I just don't know if this would be putting you first, like I promised. Like you said earlier, nothing has changed yet." He runs his hand along her side, soothingly, longingly.
"OK Mr Lawyer, I'll make my case."
"Firstly, listening to what I want is putting me first. I know my dad has been telling you to look after his little girl, but I'm a grown woman and I want this.
"Secondly it's Christmas, and I didn't get you any other present. Plus there is no way you got me anything, as I didn't buy it myself.
"Thirdly, what happens in Cortland stays in Cortland. We can go back to being sensible in New York.
"And finally, Google tells us I have an actual physiological need, and that's at least 50 percent your fault."
"Well then, if it's physiological…" he flips her lightly as if she weighs nothing at all, and hovers over her, predatory, eyes darkened with desire. "Dr Harvey is at your disposal."
She feels him harden against her, the dark intensity of his stare fuelling her already burning desire.
He captures her lips with hers, and kisses her passionately, thoroughly, possessively, surpassing her every fantasy. He knows how to alternate between gentle lightness and commanding pressure until she feels she could come from the feeling of his mouth on hers alone.
He pulls back and looks her in the eyes, as his large hand slides slowly, deliberately under her top, brushing her nipple, making her whimper. He leaves a trail of fire as he moves across her body, claiming every inch of her as his own.
She undulates under his touch, her desire driving her insane. She raises her hips and wriggles impatiently out of her clothing, her body crying out to feel all of him everywhere.
He groans at the sight of her. Cupping and squeezing her exploded breasts, his hot mouth licks and sucks her nipples until they harden.
He moves lower, dropping delicate, featherlight kisses down her body, lingering on the gentle swell of her stomach, pausing to look up at her in awe, before continuing with deeper pressure along the soft skin of her inner thighs.
It feels amazing, but in her current heightened state of arousal, she is also maddened with frustration. She finds his slow pace almost unbearable, her body humming with impatience.
"Just fuck me already Harvey," she groans.
He laughs softly, propping himself up on one arm and taking her in.
"Well Google was right about this". He dips a finger inside her glistening core and finds her soaking. "Let's test out if you're really more sensitive too…" - he shuffles down her body - "...here." He licks along her center, lightly, teasingly, torturously slowly, before sucking on her, hard and sudden, making her arch her back and cry out involuntarily.
He grins up at her and puts a warning finger on her lips. "I guess it was right there too, but remember that your parents aren't that far away Donna."
She bites her lip ruefully and pushes his head back towards where she needs him.
It only takes a few more moments to carry her to the brink of insanity. He is so goddamn good at this, and she is so fired up that when he slips two fingers inside her tight heat and arches them just right, she comes immediately and hard, liquid gushing over his hand.
Wiping his mouth, Harvey kisses her way up her heated, trembling body: "The second trimester is really quite something," he laughs, collapsing on top of her, cupping her cheek as he kisses her lightly, delicately.
Despite the intensity of her orgasm, she isn't close to being sated, and she wraps her hips around his hips, grinding herself against his arousal.
He flips her over so she is straddling him, running his hands up and down her body. The way he handles her body drives her insane.
"You want me inside you," he smirks, teasing her.
She grinds against him.
"Say it."
"I want you inside me."
"Donna. Say my name. Tell me exactly how you want me inside you."
"Harvey Specter. I want you hard, and fast and deep, and…"
Without warning, he flips her back over and thrusts his hard cock deep inside in one fluid motion, pulling back out all the way, then driving in again repeatedly, with increasing speed. She closes her eyes, delighting in his size, the way he fills her so completely, as she loses herself in the pleasure of Harvey stimulating her every sense, dominating her, pounding into her relentlessly, finally giving her what he knew she needed all along.
"You're so fucking hot," he breathes, pinning her arms above her head, as they moan deeply into each others' mouths, her legs pressing into his ass, urging him on.
He can feel she is close, so he snakes a thumb between them, rubbing firm circles on her clit. "I love you so much," he whispers in his ear. She explodes beneath him, her tightening walls tipping him over the edge, and he follows with a growl of relief, and it's everything. He sinks down into her arms, their foreheads resting together, breath mingling, utterly exhilarated.
They don't talk. They don't need to. He slides off her, pulls the light switch and sinks into the mattress, pressed against her side. She feels relieved and satisfied.
Tonight, she refuses to think about what this does or doesn't mean to wonder if this is finally turning point for them, or whether she has just opened herself up to more disappointment. She got what she wanted tonight, but she knows deep down that 'What happens in Cortland stays in Cortland' is a fallacy. But tonight, she doesn't want to question whether she made the right choice: she just wants to accept that it really feels that way.