Chapter 14: 26th - 27th December

Donna decides they should head back to New York straight after lunch on Boxing Day, a couple of days earlier than she'd originally planned.

The four of them have managed to get on quite well, considering, but Harvey and Jim are only tolerating each other, and although she has forgiven her dad, she could use a little time for the wounds to heal. Plus Jim caught Donna sneaking out of Harvey's room in a robe this morning, and ever since he has been ominously taciturn and morose.

She feels some relief when she hugs her parents goodbye and she and Harvey pull off the driveway. Donna chooses a radio station playing back-to-back Christmas music and sings along, trying without much success to get Harvey to duet with her. After she has badgered him for a while, he gamely tries a line of Winter Wonderland, and she dissolves into laughter at his flat monotone, so he refuses to try again. It's fun, they're both happy.

After a while she falls silent, her eyes feeling heavy. They missed out on a fair bit of sleep over the holiday, and it's catching up with her. Harvey notices her nodding off, and switches the radio down low so it won't disturb her.

"I'm not asleep," she mumbles. But soon her breathing deepens, and he's pretty sure she is now.

This gives him a chance to revisit some of his jumbled thoughts from the previous night.

Donna had raised the question of how things will work back in New York. That got him thinking about the distance between them before Christmas, and their last fight in the office. He'd remembered what Donna had said about how people would see their situation, thoughts which had been echoed by Jim.

He didn't give a shit about what people thought about him. But Donna had shown him such love and loyalty. He couldn't bear the idea of people thinking he didn't respect her, that he'd used her that way. Gossiping about her. Pitying her. He hopes she knows now that it isn't a lack of love or respect that keeps them from being together, but he sees how it could look like that to outsiders. He doesn't want their kid to see things that way either, when she's old enough to understand.

A quick wedding now could buy them some time to work things out, while sparing Donna further pain. Privately, they could still take things slowly. He isn't exactly sure what that would look like day to day, but when he talks it through with Donna, they'll work it out.

Getting married would take care of the Jessica issue. There would be no damage to his reputation, or the firm's. She wouldn't try to move Donna to another partner. (He knows who it would be, too. He bridles at the thought of the look of triumph on Louis's face.)

Then there's the financial side of things. He'd been looking into estate planning: updating his will, setting up a trust fund. It had forced him to consider a whole range of worst case scenarios, and he'd realised uncomfortably that his dad was barely ten years older than he is now when he died. And his lifestyle isn't exactly stress free. Again, being married makes things easier if anything were to happen.

Finally, the thing that scares him most: they'd had a lot of close shaves with Mike's secret recently. With the SEC sniffing around, he's worried. He can't bring himself to regret hiring Mike. But he'd never be so reckless again now he has a kid to consider. If they're married, no one would come after Donna, as she couldn't testify against him. She'd be protected from that, and to some extent it would protect him too, as she knows all his secrets. And if the worst happens, and he ends up… well, she'll get visiting rights.

Yes, he thinks. Getting married before they go back to work and tell everyone their news makes logical sense.

They'll have to get moving though. They'll need to get a marriage licence, then there's the 24 hour wait. They'll have to check out whether the City Clerk's Office has a free slot, or find an alternative. Then there are rings…

Donna wakes, and wants to stop to get some food, which pulls him back into the present moment. They go to a diner and order burgers and milkshakes, and joke around. He parks his thoughts until a more appropriate time.

As they get closer to New York, Harvey is starting to feel mounting unease about transitioning back to their regular lives. He wants to avoid a repeat of their abrupt parting after Labor Day weekend. And he needs to keep Donna with him so he can find the right time to talk to her about his idea. He needs to do it as soon as possible if they're going to make it happen.

He parks up just outside her apartment. Donna is looking out of the window picking at one of her gloves.

"Hey. You don't have to go home. You could stay at my place till New Year's?"

"We said what happened in Cortland stays in Cortland, Harvey," she says flatly, switching her gaze from the window to her lap.

"I know. This isn't about that. You can take the spare room if you want. It's just that we have a lot to talk about, with the baby. Plus it'll be boring without you," he puts a finger under her chin, and gently steers her to look at him"

She smiles, cheering up. "OK Harvey, that'd be nice," she agrees more readily than he was expecting.

They leave Donna's suitcases in the car - she can do her laundry at his place - and head upstairs so she can pack some fresh clothes. She also pulls together a heap of other miscellaneous items: her own pillow, a cosy throw for the couch, a favorite mug…

"You moving in, Paulsen?" smiles Harvey, thinking that right now he wouldn't mind at all if she did.

"Your place has no life," she tells him, with an exaggerated look of distaste on her face that makes him laugh. "You can't expect me to stay without some home comforts."

"It's a penthouse apartment, Donna. It's hardly like I'm taking you to Malcolm's to look at the dumpsters," he says with a grin, referencing their conversation from the previous day.

He drops Donna back at his place, before returning the car. When he opens the door, he finds curled up on the couch with a book, the fire lit and his dad's music playing softly. He is suffused by a feeling of warmth and satisfaction. With Donna here, for the first time it feels like home. He could get used to this.

After they've eaten, Harvey decides to grab the bull by the horns and let her know what's on his mind. He really hopes she sees things the way he does, and that this doesn't blow apart their whole arrangement for the next few days.

"I have an idea. It might be stupid. But just hear me out, ok?"

Donna is intrigued. "OK…"

"I stand by our decision that we do this as friends, at least for now. What I'm about to say doesn't change that."

"OK." Donna has no idea where this is going."

"I think we should get married," he blurts out. "As soon as possible."

"Harvey! Are you out of your mind? How would that even work?"

"You said you'd hear me out" he protests. "This could be good for us."

Harvey explains his reasons, all of them. They'd be married, and a proper couple as far as the outside world is concerned, but between the two of them, they could take it slowly.

As he comes to the end of his speech, he sees Donna won't meet his eyes. He shuffles closer to her on the coach and he can see that she's blinking back tears. He's horrified. He doesn't really know why. And right there, is his problem, he thinks, frustrated with himself.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Donna. Like I said, maybe it's stupid. Are you mad at me?"

She takes a deep breath. "I'm upset, but I'm not mad at you Harvey. I know… I know this comes from a good place."

"I want to be ready to do it all properly, Don, but I know I'm not. I don't want to make promises to you unless I know I can keep them."

She looks at him, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You do realise that getting married is literally making a giant fucking promise, don't you Specter?"

Harvey is silent.

She continues, her voice cracking with emotion. "I get what you're saying. I do. But I can't listen to you make those vows to me and know that you don't mean them."

There's silence.

"Being married, but not properly together. I think it'll be too confusing Harvey. " She says in a small voice. "We're already struggling to find our groove."

"It's was stupid, forget about it."

"No. I'll think about it, Harvey."

He takes a deep breath, and nods. "I think I'll go to bed. I love you, OK?" He kisses the top of her head.

Donna stays up for a while, wrapped in her blanket, trying to get her thoughts in order. She's trying to work out precisely why she feels like Harvey just took her heart out and stomped on it.

She has never been particularly interested in the idea of having a big wedding, or even in marriage. It's not that she would mind a small ceremony or little fuss. She thinks that perhaps it's because Harvey had all those logical reasons why they should get married, but just loving her wasn't even on the list: and that just shows how far from being ready he is.

Her instinct had been to run home, put some space between them. She is glad that she mastered that feeling and stayed. There is the baby to think of, and the last thing they need is a return to distance, and tension. And much as she felt disappointed and a little angry that he'd suggest what he did, the way that he did, he'd allowed himself to be vulnerable with her. He'd put himself on the line, in a way that he would never have done a few short months ago. It feels like progress, and she wants to nurture that.

She wants to feel better, and to make him feel better. She thinks about slipping into bed beside him, but decides to head to the spare room. She may have stuck around to talk this through, but she still needs a little space to get her head around what just happened.

….

The next morning, Donna knocks at Harvey's door.

He's propped up in bed, looking at his phone. He smiles awkwardly at her, and she comes and perches on the edge of the bed.

She gets straight to it. "I can't, Harvey. I've thought about it, and I just can't. For all the reasons I said last night."

"But Donna…"

"Don't Harvey. Don't. Do you know how hard it is for me to say no to you?"

He can't look at her. Shit, he thinks. This is embarrassing. How could he be so fucking stupid? She loves him. But she knows the truth: that he doesn't deserve her. That he isn't enough for her. He should have known better than to put himself out there that way.

"If… if it's ok with you Harvey, I'd still like to stay till New Year's. I think it's important that we spend time together. I want to. And like you said, there's a lot to discuss."

He still won't look at her. She sees that his eyes look ever so slightly red.

"Can we hug?" she asks tentatively.

"Always." His voice sounds choked.

"I love you. We'll be ok." she whispers, as she holds him tight.

She pulls back, threads her fingers through his, and takes him in, sitting slumped, his eyes cast down, looking thoroughly defeated and remote from his usual cocky persona. It breaks her heart. She bends her head a little so she can look him in the eye. "It isn't no forever, Harvey. You'll be ready one day. I have faith in you."

It's exactly what he needs to hear, though he has a hard time believing her. She probably just wants to make him feel better, he thinks bitterly. He pulls her back into another tight hug, and she feels him take a deep, shuddering breath.

Harvey is subdued for the rest of the day, but seems to bounce back fairly well, considering. They go for a frosty walk in Central Park, pick up some groceries, and Harvey makes them both an excellent dinner.

Things are almost the same as they were in Cortland. They're physically affectionate with each other: she takes his hand in the park; he puts his arm around her on the couch.

But when night time comes, although Donna desperately wants to go to bed with him, so she can comfort him with her body where her words have felt inadequate, she decides it's prudent to keep to separate rooms. It's time for those boundaries her mom spoke about to protect their hearts and to give them a shot at a future.