Chapter 16: Tuesday 2nd January

Donna usually strides into Pearson Specter Litt, shoulders back, head held high and a swagger in her step, inviting people to look at her, and only her. It's a deliberate show of confidence, designed to convey the unassailable dominance of Harvey Specter. His image has always been one element of his relentless success. She gets that, and enjoys the theater of playing her part in it.

Today is different. She gets in early, while it's quiet, and scuttles to her desk as quickly and unobtrusively as possible. She's in an uncharacteristically floaty dress that doesn't hug her middle like her usual tailored outfits. It wouldn't stand up to scrutiny, but she's hoping it'll carry her through till after the 10am partners meeting.

Last night she had slept at her own apartment for the first time since her trip to Cortland almost two weeks ago. Inevitably, she had felt lonely without Harvey, like a part of her was missing. For the longer term, she knows they've made the right decision in taking things slowly. But it's not easy to go back now she's used to his affection and companionship.

As usual, she beats Harvey to the office. She hangs up her coat, fires up her computer to check Harvey's schedule, then heads over to Rachel's office. It has been weighing on her mind that she hasn't shared her news with her best friend. She's left it so long now that it's going to be a little awkward. But there's no delaying it any further: she has to tell her right here and now, before it becomes common knowledge.

She knocks at her door and peers in. "Happy New Year!"

"Donna! Happy New Year to you too." She pauses, taking in Donna's outfit. "Something's different…?"

Checking over her shoulder quickly to see that no one is watching, Donna puts one hand on top of her bump, the other below, stretching the floaty fabric over it so Rachel can see her bump.

"Oh my god! Donna!" Rachel also looks furtively over her shoulder and whispers, "it's his, isn't it?"

Donna nods, smiling.

"Does this mean…?"

"No, we're not together. But we're in a good place. We're happy about it."

"This is huge."

"I'm huge," jokes Donna. "And I'm gonna be huger."

"This calls for a celebration. Mocktails after work?"

"That'd be nice. But Rach - you're not mad at me for keeping it a secret for so long?"

"Of course not. Though why did you? It has to have been a massive shock. I could have been there for you."

"You had broken up with Mike. When I was in shock, I didn't want to add to your burden. When I was happier, I didn't want to rub your face in that. And then once you guys were in a better place, I didn't want to intrude on your time together. Plus over the holidays I had my hands full in Cortland with Harvey and my parents," she makes a face to convey the awkwardness of the situation.

Rachel makes a face back. "Urgh, sounds complicated. But Donna, never don't tell me about the good things that are happening in your life because of what's going on in mine. We're friends, right?"

Donna gives her a hug.

Rachel squeals. "Oh my god, I can feel your bump. Is the baby moving yet?"

"I'm not sure. There are fluttery feelings, but it might just be the muscles stretching out."

"And your stomach isn't the only bit of you that's grown." She lowers her voice. "Your boobs are epic. I bet Harvey's a fan," she adds with a grin.

"He can look, but he can't touch," she laughs

"You're really not together?"

"We're not. But officially, as far as this place is concerned, we are. I'll tell you the full story later."

"Let me guess. Jessica is pissed and laid down the law with Harvey?"

"You got it."

….

The partners are assembled. Jessica welcomes everyone back, gives a recap of key firm business, and allocates a couple of new cases.

"While we're gathered together, I have some happy news to share. Harvey and Donna are expecting a baby, due in the summer. I'm sure we'd all like to extend our congratulations to the two of them."

Harvey's eyes are on Louis, who sits there, face reddening, mouth gaping like a fish. Jessica is watching him too, and quickly winds up the meeting before he has a chance to form his thoughts into words.

He storms over to Harvey and Jessica, incandescent with rage.

"Excuse me. Did I hear this right. He" he gestures extravagantly at Harvey "has contravened by-law 17.8 stating that 'no partner may enter into a sexual relationship with a person for whom he or she holds direct managerial responsibility'. And you're telling him congratufuckinlations?"

"Louis," says Jessica warningly.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me. You're letting him off the hook? It's an abuse of power, plain and simple."

"Harvey and Donna are in a happy and settled relationship. There is no risk to the stability of the firm here, which is what that rule is designed to prevent."

"Happy and settled? Bullshit. Not five minutes ago he was banging Scottie. In another five minutes, he'll be banging someone else. You can't expect anyone to believe this is anything other than what it is. He fucked her. He knocked her up. And it will bring MY firm into disrepute." He jabs a finger aggressively towards Jessica. "And you're letting him do it."

Jessica raises her voice. "Louis, enough!"

"This is a fucking joke," Louis storms out.

"Well I thought he took it surprisingly well," quips Harvey, adopting a bored tone and rolling his eyes.

Jessica fixes him with a steely glare, then strides out of the conference room.

...

It's five o'clock. Harvey is in a meeting. Donna is in his office alone dropping off some files.

Louis storms in, not bothering to knock.

"You!" He gestures at her dramatically. "Traitor! I thought we were friends."

"We are friends Louis."

"Friends don't lie to each other. All you do is lie to me."

"I didn't lie to you Louis."

"Bullshit. First Mi…"

"Louis! You can't," she says firmly, terrified that Louis is about to start shouting about Mike's secret in the office, which is still busy.

"That aside. You didn't tell me you were pregnant. I found out with every goddamn Tom, Dick and Jeff."

"I'm sorry Louis. I didn't tell anyone till today. Not Rachel. No one."

"I bet you told her in person, though, didn't you?"

"I did. I'm sorry Louis. Jessica insisted on making the announcement first thing. There wasn't much time."

He seems to accept that, and continues at a slightly more normal volume. "Harvey treating you like the queen that you are?"

Donna tries to keep a straight face. "He's trying his best, Louis."

"That means he's not. That goddamn son of a bitch. He doesn't deserve you," he fires out.

Donna gives an exaggerated sigh. "I'm Donna. No one does."

Louis springs forward and wraps her in sudden and slightly violent hug, then stomps out of the room.

Louis's reactions never fail to exceed expectations, she thinks, smiling to herself as she packs up her things ready to head to a bar with Rachel.

Today has gone pretty well, considering. She's noticed people's eyes on her bump, but other than a few congratulations, it's been business as usual. If there has been unpleasant gossip, she hasn't heard it. It's a relief to finally to have everything out in the open.

….

All day, Harvey has been bouncing from one meeting to the next, so he hasn't had time to reflect on how the morning's announcement went. Donna has gone out with Rachel, and he is settling down for a long evening in the office, the holidays long forgotten, as a multitude of problems and issues vie for his attention. He's ready to get back to work, and fine with staying late. There's nothing appealing about his empty apartment, now Donna has gone.

After a while, he realises he needs another set of files. With Donna absent, he needs to go find them himself. It takes him a while to locate what he's after, not used to having to navigate the file room himself.

He can hear a couple of associates several aisles along, chatting, but pays little attention until he hears his own name.

"Did you hear about Harvey Specter? He fucked his secretary and now she's pregnant."

"Everyone knows he's been fucking her for years."

"Are they together?"

"They're saying so. But I don't know. I can't see a guy like him wanting to be with a secretary. Sounds like damage control to me."

"He was with that other senior partner only recently. Dana Scott. Her record's nearly as good as his. This has gotta be a downgrade."

"Not for her! She's got it made now she's finally got her claws into him. You know how much he makes?"

"No, but I can imagine. I assume that's why she's hung around so long."

This is too much. He strides over to the associates.

"Next time you want to talk shit about someone, you might wanna check that A, they're not right there, and B, they don't have the power to fire you.

"For your information, for years I thought Donna was out of my goddamn league. I was right, but lucky for me it turns out she disagrees, and I'm over the fucking moon about our baby.

"You got one more word to say on the subject, you're done here. Got that?"

He stalks off, leaving the associates staring at him in horror.

He pours himself a Macallan and sinks down onto his office couch. He hopes to god that Donna doesn't have to hear any of this bullshit, today or in the coming months.

Once he's steadied his nerves, he throws himself into his work for a couple of hours before calling Ray.

Back at home, he gets into bed, still brooding about the gossiping associates. Even though Donna is oblivious to what was being said about her in the file room, he feels an overwhelming urge to check in on her, to make sure she's ok. To make sure she knows that what people think isn't true.

It's almost midnight. He's sure she will be home by now, but probably not quite asleep yet. He picks up his phone.

…..

She is lying in bed, just about to turn off the light when she sees her cellphone screen illuminate. It's Harvey.

He used to call her about work at antisocial hours regularly - asking her to schedule meetings, come in early, and the like. She'd be surprised if he'd do that now though. He's been careful to encourage her to get enough rest now she's pregnant.

On occasion, he'd also call after hours just to talk. He wasn't always transparent that he needed someone, or why, and she wouldn't press him. She'd usually work it out eventually, and try to soothe him so he could sleep.

It was one of the things that had bothered Mark, when they'd been together. That she'd always pick up, whatever time he called, whatever else they were doing. And that she'd always take herself off somewhere private.

At the time she told herself - and Mark - that he was being the unreasonable one: taking care of Harvey so he could perform at his best was part of her job: it wasn't a 9 to 5 role, and her pay reflected that; her work was confidential. But in her heart she knows that actually the unreasonable one was her, and her attachment to Harvey ran deep enough to sabotage any other relationship.

"Harvey. Everything ok?"

"Just wanted to check in. See how it went today?"

So it's personal. "Good. It felt good to tell people. Everyone was nice about it."

"Good." He's silent. There's something he's not telling her. She knows better than to push too hard. She stays quiet, giving him space to share if he wants to.

"The other time. What would've happened if I'd asked you out. Instead of asking you to come to the firm?"

That was unexpected. "I don't know, Harvey. Where's this coming from?" she asks gently.

"Would you have said yes?" he presses.

"Of course I would. You remember how it was between us that night. I would've… I would've wanted to try."

"I remember. I wanted to as well, you know. When you fell asleep, I looked at you and I knew… I knew you were it for me. If I had you, I'd never need anyone else."

She's confused. "But you left."

"I needed some space to get my head together, and I couldn't think straight with you there. But first thing the next morning, I messaged you, said I had to see you."

"Yes, to ask me to go with you to Pearson Hardman."

"No." He swallows hard.

"No?"

"I was going to ask you out. On a date. A real one."

Donna feels like the breath is knocked out of her. She remembers the searing disappointment she had felt that day at the diner, thinking that what had seemed so special to her was one sided, just in her head.

"Why didn't you?" she whispers.

"I had already arranged to see Jessica that morning. And when I was in there, I suddenly thought how much better it would be if you came with me. So I pushed her, and got her to say yes "

"So then you decided not to ask me out?"

"No, I was going to. I just asked you about the job first, as that was easier. Then you said yes, but with your condition. And that was a way out of something I was scared to try. I thought it bought me some time to get my shit together. But the longer I worked with you, the more I depended on you and…

"...the more it felt like too much risk," she finishes for him.

"Yeah. Too much to lose." He pauses. If I hadn't been such a coward - our kid might've been practically a teenager now."

"We wouldn't have had a kid back then. Neither of us was ready. I was disappointed at the time. But I know now it wouldn't have worked out."

"It might have. And if we'd done it all properly then, no one would be talking shit about us now."

She swallows. "What have you heard?"

"Associate gossip. I threatened to fire them. They'll stay in their goddamn boxes now."

"Her eyes fill with tears. There are a lot of other people at the firm who probably all think the same. You can't fire them all."

"The way I feel about you, Donna. It's always been different," he says softly. "Whatever anyone might say, you've always been my first choice. I want you to know it."

She doesn't trust that she can keep her voice steady, so she stays quiet. They're quiet for a moment.

"I just regret wasting all that time. I'm still wasting it now."

"Hey. We have a lot to look forward to, Harvey."

"I know. I know. I need to let you get some sleep."

He hesitates. "Donna. I have said before, but... I don't know if it's helpful to keep saying it, until things are different."

"Then don't say it. But I know you do, Harvey. I do too."

….

Harvey hangs up, rolls into his back, and stares at the ceiling. Right now he feels like they're being far too cautious. He loves her, she loves him: maybe that's enough?