Chapter 18: Week beginning 24th January

Happy Friday everyone! Sorry the updates have slowed down a bit - covid in the house is still draining time and energy :-( Here is a very Harvey-centric chapter. He's not in a good place, but don't worry too much - Donna will soon be helping him through it… As ever, thanks so much for your reviews and feedback - it's all very much appreciated!

Monday.

Harvey travels into work with Donna for the first time ever. He feels happy, proud - and a little self-conscious. But no one bats an eyelid, and there's no need to hide anything. Most people think they're a couple anyway.

It doesn't take long for his good mood to go to shit.

Two of his clients both request urgent meetings about complex crises at the same time.

Louis has been extremely difficult ever since he found out about Mike, and Harvey discovers he is looking at moving to Rand, Kaldor and Zane.

Then he gets into a fight with Dr Agard during therapy.

With everything else that he has to worry about, he decided before the session that he doesn't have time for this right now. Not when he's achieved his goal: things are great with Donna, and he's excited about the baby. He's got this.

He explains to Dr Agard that this will be his last session, and why.

She raises her eyebrows and fixes him with her cold blue eyes. "Harvey, that would be a mistake."

He's on the defensive. "I don't see why."

She draws herself up straight, folding her hands primly on her lap. "You have issues in your life that will keep you from sustaining a real relationship. I hear what you're saying: things are good for now. But it's important that we complete the process to make sure that they stay that way."

His hackles rise straight away. "You're telling me I can't do this? I'm paying you to help me feel better, not worse!"

"You're paying me to be honest with you, and to help you. I'm not telling you that you can't do this. Just that we haven't fully addressed some of the negative self beliefs that we identified. And they will continue to trip you up if we don't."

He scoffs. "Like what?"

"For a start?" She counts them on her fingers. "That people you love will let you down and leave you. That you will let them down and leave them. That you don't deserve a relationship or a family. That people you love are better off without you..."

He cuts in angrily. "I don't feel like that now."

She stays maddeningly calm. "When things get tough, they will resurface."

He's close to losing it now. "I don't give a shit what your fancy degree tells you. I'm doing good."

"And I'm not saying that isn't the case. But we are just starting to work through your issues with your mother. I strongly urge you to continue."

"What the fuck does this have to do with Lily?"

"You can tell yourself it doesn't all you want to. But it's a lie, and you know it."

He stands up, fists clenched, face white.

"Enough!"

"For today, or indefinitely?" she asks, her clipped British voice infuriatingly courteous.

Harvey doesn't reply, gets up, stony faced and slams the door.

When he gets back to the office, Donna has already left. He immerses himself in work, catching up on all the things left undone due to time wasted on Louis fucking Litt and bullshit therapy.

He thinks about going to Donna's place when he's done, but it's late, he doesn't want to disturb her. And he doesn't want to have to explain his poor mood: he knows she will agree with Dr Agard, and he's sure as hell not getting into another fight on that same topic today.

All the way home, as he gets ready for bed when he turns out the light, what Dr Agard said is niggling at him. His therapist thinks he is going to fuck up with Donna. He likes to push against her, tell himself and her that she doesn't know anything about him. But she's a trained professional after all. What if she does?

...

Tuesday.

Things rapidly get worse.

Within the space of a few hours, Louis U-turns abruptly from leaving the firm under a cloud to blackmailing his way to name partner, and Robert Zane smells a rat. He demands a favor from Harvey, or he's going to start digging into whatever it is that Louis so clearly has on him and Jessica.

It's the closest Harvey has come to being found out since he's known he was going to be a father. He feels vulnerable. He hates that. It's not a feeling that he has sought to protect himself from his whole adult life.

The favor is that he has to lean on Scottie to get her to settle a case Zane has with her new firm. He will do whatever it takes to avoid that. He hasn't seen Scottie since they broke up. She doesn't know about him and Donna. It'll be… complicated. He's got to find an alternative to get Zane the outcome he wants without going to Scottie.

He doesn't tell Mike or Donna about Zane's threat. He doesn't want Donna especially to be stressed. He will handle this himself.

...

Wednesday.

He cancels his appointment with Dr Agard, and chooses the same time slot to go and see Zane, so Donna won't find out he skipped it.

He's still trying to convince himself that Dr Agard is wrong, and he doesn't need her anymore. Plus he can't spare the time while everything is going to shit at the firm, with Zane on his back, and Louis still throwing his weight around. And he just can't give it the headspace it would be need: Dr Agard is sure to be telling him he has mommy issues and pushing him into places he doesn't want - or, in his opinion - need to go.

He comes back from the meeting feeling would up and stressed, and he snaps at Louis and pisses off Jessica. The alternative option he proposed to Zane didn't fly, and he needs another option. He could use Mike's help, but he still wants to keep him out of this. He ends up staying late again, and getting nowhere.

He doesn't think Donna has noticed anything is wrong. It's usual for him to be totally absorbed in work during the week, for them to have minimal personal interaction. There's no hiding that he's stressed, but that's not unusual either, and she'll put it down to Louis.

He feels like such an asshole, having put her future in jeopardy.

...

Thursday.

He is really feeling the pressure.

By late on Thursday night, he has found no realistic alternative. So he gives in and leaves Scottie a message cryptic enough to pique her interest. He can't give away too much detail or he will get a flat no. If something comes up tomorrow, he figures he can cancel.

Afterwards he's kicking himself for contacting her so late. The last thing he needs is for her to misread his intentions.

Donna calls him, but he doesn't answer. He can't put in a convincing front, not for her. But nor can he tell her the truth.

...

Friday.

It's mid morning, and he's juggling multiple crises for multiple clients while still racking his brain for a way out of seeing Scottie. He can't focus. He is breathing too fast. He feels dizzy. He's felt this way once before, long ago, and it didn't end well. He can't go there. He needs to on top form today.

In desperation, he calls Dr Agard for an emergency appointment. Not to talk about Lily. That's the last thing he needs. But to deal with whatever this is. Get some pills or some shit like that. He needs to calm down. Focus.

He tells Dr Agard that he is stressed at work. It's nothing to do with his relationship. Is there a pill that might help. Just short term?

Inevitably, she probes on the cause of the stress.

He pushes back, raises his voice.

She is adamant that he's getting no pills if he won't talk. So he relents.

"What if I'd broken a law? I'm right in thinking this is confidential?"

Dr Agard fixes him with a appraising look. "Yes, unless it's likely to result in yourself or someone else being hurt, and my telling someone could prevent that."

"Hurt physically? No."

So he tells her about Mike being a fraud, and why he did it. That he likes a little risk, playing in the grey. He'd never hidden it from Donna. Never thought about what it would mean for her. Or him, now his life was changing. He tells hee about the threat posed by Zane, and the other threats that will be just round the corner, if he gets away with it this time.

"What does Donna think about what's happening with Zane, how you're feeling?"

He shrugs slightly, looks away.

"You tell me that you're 'fixed'. You're in a healthy relationship. You don't need this therapy. Yet you're keeping things, important things, from your partner."

He rolls his eyes like a sulky teenager, his fingers drumming restlessly on his leg. This was a mistake. He eyes the door.

"OK. So let me summarize. You did something impulsive and selfish, because it amused you. Others have to lie for you about it. And now you're worried it's going to blow your family apart. Your work family, and your new family with Donna?"

He looks down, ashamed. "Yes."

"Do you see a connection with your mother's behavior?"

He stares at her in disbelief.

"Because I think there is more than a passing resemblance between your actions and hers."

"OK you don't get to say that to me"

"It's my job to say things like that with you."

"I've lived my whole life not to be her."

"And when people do that they very often become that in a different way"

"Well I'm not goddamn her!" He balls his fists, white hot rage coursing through him.

"Tke an honest look in the mirror. You need to accept the truth in that, so we can deal with it."

He stands up. "We're really done. For good this time."

…

He needs to go straight to the bar to meet Scottie. He messages Donna that he'll be late for their Friday date. That wasn't a date. That's now a date.

He lies: a client requested a late meeting.

It's awkward as hell with Scottie. She knows him, knows he's likely called her about work, but even he notices her uncharacteristically nervous flutter of her hands, the wobble in her voice: she's hoping it isn't. He feels like a total bastard, as he asks her for the favor.

And it's awful. She's angry, and he gets it. She seems like she's going to refuse, so he tells her about Donna, that he's going to be a father, how much he needs this.

She looks shocked. "I always wondered about the two of you. You both denied it." She sounds shaken.

He doesn't know what to say.

"This isn't the first time Mike goddamn Ross has screwed up your life, Harvey and it won't be the last. You need to find a way to end this before you lose everything. Donna, the baby, your career, your fucking freedom. He can't be worth it Harvey, he just can't."

Harvey can't think of a defence.

"I loved you." There's the hint of a sob in her voice. She takes a deep breath, regains her composure, and continues, her voice now steely. "But this - this shitshow makes me realise I'm well off out of it. I'll do this for you, but after that, I never want to hear the name Mike Ross ever again."

She stands up and grabs her bag, and turns to face him.

"Poor Donna. She deserves better."

She exits without saying goodbye.

….

Harvey orders another Macallan and, quickly, another.

He was comfortable with the risk of hiring Mike until recently. Liked it, even. The risk gave him a buzz. Had his mom felt that way, sleeping with other men?

Now all he sees is an asshole who took a stupid risk that will destroy his family. Poor judgement. Impulsivity. Selfishness. Dr Agard is right. He's not that dissimilar to his mother. But why would she think that knowledge would help him? If it's true, what's the fucking point of even trying?

How could he ever think he could do this? Be there for a family? It would be better if Donna didn't get used to having him, didn't come to depend on him. Sooner or later, he's going to leave her and their kid, maybe for years. He felt let down by Lily. Ashamed of what she did. His kid is going to feel the same about him. This, this is why he never intended to take his life this direction.

Consumed with self loathing, he downs another scotch.

He realises he's too hot. In fact, he's sweating. He tugs at his tie to loosen it, and finds his hands are trembling. Before he can process that, what it means, a tingling sensation starts in the finger tips of his left hand, and gradually runs up his left arm. His tongue feels stiff, numb.

Shit, he thinks, he's having a heart attack. Like his dad.

His heart is racing and he feels an overwhelming urge to vomit, and he does, right there at the bar. He stumbles his way to the bathroom, as the room tilts and spins, the faces around him a blur. He slams into a cubicle, sinks to the floor, and vomits into the basin.

He looks for his phone, but his fingers don't work. It drops to the floor.

One thought repeats sickeningly over and over. He hasn't finished setting up the baby's trust fund. It's all he can think of.

He tries to focus on slowing his breathing, blanking his mind.

He doesn't know how much time passes, but suddenly he feels a little better. He is no longer replaying a single random thought in a frantic loop. He's aware of his location: the acrid taste in his mouth; the sticky floor; the deadened pulse of music; the sickening smell of piss and bleach and vomit.

He looks around him and takes stock. Phone smashed. Suit ruined. Life fucked. Not dead.

He thinks he knows what just happened. A panic attack. Something similar, not your same, happened before. Once.

It was right after he told his dad about Lily, after Marcus yelled at him about how he'd destroyed their family. He'd been sick, felt dizzy. Nothing like as bad as this, but bad enough to make him do some research afterwards. He's concluded that it was probably a panic attack. But it was once, and he's been ashamed, so he had never spoken to anyone about it.

He staggers out of the restroom, barely aware of his dishevelled appearance. By some miracle a taxi accepts him, and he collapses into bed after midnight, filthy and fully clothed. He manages to send Donna a brief apology text saying he has a bug, and then passes out.