Chapter 20: Sunday 30th January

Donna's outside Harvey's apartment, poised to knock, when she notices the door is not quite closed. Anxiety rising, she pushes it open, and enters.

It's silent. Harvey's suit jacket is on the floor in the doorway. So he's here. There are take out cartons all over the counter. It's not like him to leave a mess. And there's a bottle of scotch. Empty, of course.

She calls his name, but there's no response, so she swiftly looks in each room until she finds him. He's slumped against the bath. With a sickening jolt, she takes in his heaving chest, the sheen of sweat on his ashen forehead. Something is clearly very wrong.

"Harvey! Shit. I'm calling an ambulance." She fumbles for her phone.

"No!" he croaks out, between gasps. "Panic attack."

She drops her bag and awkwardly lowers herself down onto the floor beside him. She has no idea what to do, but it's obvious that he needs to regulate his breathing, and she remembers how Thomas had helped her that time in the bar. She puts her hands reassuringly on his upper arms, and leans lightly into him so he can feel the rise and fall of her own breath.

"Breathe with me, OK, Harvey?"

She keeps going for a few minutes until his breathing slows and calms. Then she pulls him into a closer embrace, one hand around his waist, the other stroking his forehead, running through his hair, as she whispers that he's doing great, she loves him, she's here, she won't ever leave him, that they'll get through this.

It's too uncomfortable for her to stay in that position for long. When she thinks he's ok, she clumsily heaves herself off the floor, and gives Harvey her hand to help him up. She takes in his sweaty, dishevelled appearance, heartbreakingly different from the man she knows.

"What do you need?" she asks softly.

He doesn't say anything.

"I'll run you a bath.'

"I don't take baths," he mumbles.

"Well that's a waste of this awesome tub," she jokes weakly. "A shower then." She starts the water running, to give it time to heat up. "Are you OK on your own?"

He looks at her dazed, uncomprehending.

"Start by getting undressed."

He nods and begins to unbutton his shirt, but his hands are shaking. She steps in close and helps him out of his clothes and into the shower.

He's just standing there, so she strips off her own clothes and gets in with him under the hot jets of water. She works sandalwood-scented shower gel, shampoo and conditioner into a lather and massages them into him with loving care, and it feels more intimate than anything they've done before.

Once they're both clean, she dries herself, puts on his robe and goes into his bedroom and seek out suitable clothes for them both.

She sees the latest sonogram picture sticking out of a parenting book on his nightstand, about two thirds of the way through. A lump forms in her throat.

She quickly finds fresh pyjamas for him, and unearths an old Harvard t-shirt, big enough to fit over her bump, and a pair of boxer shorts: they'll do for her.

She returns to the bathroom and hands him a towel and the pyjamas.

When they're both dressed, she finds a hairdryer and dries her hair roughly, combing through it with just her fingers.

Harvey sits on the bed watching her, his face inscrutable. When she's done, she shuffles closer to him and kisses his cheek softly.

He gives a weak smile. "You smell like me now." He takes a strand of her hair and twirls it around his finger. "I like it like this." She didn't have her straighteners, so her hair is falling in its natural waves.

They smile at each other in the soft lamp light, and for a moment, everything seems good.

She pats his knee. "We can talk tomorrow. Whatever it is, we will work through it together, OK?

"OK."

"I just want you to get some sleep now. Shall we try?"

He nods, they climb under the covers, and he lies on his side. Donna curls herself around his back, as close as she can with the baby pressed between them.

After a while he chuckles quietly. "Is she kicking me?"

"Yeah. When I walk around it lulls her asleep. When I stop to rest, it's party time."

"She's already a pain in the ass, just like her dad."

"Isn't that the truth." She snuggles in closer and waits till his breathing deepens before she relaxes into sleep herself. She's anxious about what tomorrow will bring, but it's reassuring that at least tonight he's letting her in, accepting her help.

….

Donna wakes early, and creeps out of bed to avoid waking Harvey.

She gets a coffee and tries to get her thoughts in order. Usually Harvey is… unassailable. She has only ever seen glimmers of vulnerable Harvey before he's slammed the shutters down. Even when she'd told him about his dad, it had been painful to watch him force the shattered pieces of himself instantly back together. Seeing him so weak shocks her to her core. She hopes he'll still trust her this morning, that he won't shut her out before she can help him.

He's very lucky that Jessica had already left by the time he had the argument with Louis. And also that she's certain that for her sake Thomas won't kick up a fuss. Though Harvey really needs to apologise to him, and to Louis. She knows the latter will go against the Louis's recent behavior. It's not great that Robert Zane was there. But most people were strangers. Hopefully he'll get away with it - this time. But it can't happen again.

Harvey emerges some time after nine, looking rumpled and awkward. She gives him a reassuring kiss on the cheek, and brings him coffee, cereal, toast.

"Are you ready to talk?" she asks gently, as he finishes up."

"I'm sorry for last night Donna. I'm really, really sorry. I embarrassed you."

"Yes, Harvey, you did. And it can't become a habit. But that's for another time. Right now we need to focus on why."

He shrugs. "I don't know where to start." He sounds flat, defeated.

"Tell me about the favor you asked of Scottie."

So he tells her what happened. The threat from Robert Zane. His reluctance to go to Scottie. The lack of other options.

"OK, that's stressful, but no more so than countless other situations you've been in. And it's fixed now. What makes it different?"

He shifts uncomfortably. He can't look at her.

"I can't get it out of my head. With Mike... I've let down my family. One day there is every chance I'll have to leave you. For years. Maybe not this time, or next. But one day. And I don't know how to live with that."

OK, that makes sense. It scares her too. And abandonment, people leaving: he's always struggled with that and, knowing his history, she has a fair idea why. She tries to reassure him.

"What you're worrying about Harvey, it might never happen. If it does, you've got the best lawyers to fight for you. And if that doesn't work," she takes a deep breath, "I will be here for you when you get out. We both will."

"But Donna. Prison changes people…"

Her voice cracks. "You'll still be mine, and I will still be yours. Whatever happens."

"But you deserve so much more. A guy like Thomas Kessler, he…"

"Harvey. I need you to forget about him. I barely know him. He seems like a nice guy. We have things in common. And in a world where I didn't love you - maybe we'd go on a date. But I do love you, so much. I'm right where I want to be."

"But he's…"

"What are you, his publicist?" she quips, tears filling her eyes. "We've been together since we were kids, you and I. I love who you are. I don't need you to be perfect or different, or more... Thomas Kessler, or anyone but you. Just to have a little faith in yourself. Like I have faith in you."

He nods, his eyes red. He blinks and turns away. "This is fucking embarrassing. I don't want to feel so… weak. You won't see me the same way."

She takes his hand. "Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, letting me in. That shows real strength, Harvey."

She gives him a few moments to gather himself before continuing. "I have another question. Why did you stop therapy?"

He explains how he'd thought he didn't need it, then about his disastrous visit to get help for the panic attack.

"Harvey, some of what she said, it's not wrong. But she went about it in a terrible way. The timing was awful - she knew you were already struggling. She shouldn't have pushed so hard."

"So you think I'm like Lily too?"

"That's not what I said. No. I don't. Maybe there are some parallels in your behavior. It's worth thinking about that at the right time. But you're not your mom, Harvey."

She pauses to consider.

"And I'm not a therapist, but I'm pretty good at knowing what makes people tick, and I know you. We should go see your mom. If you can let her back into your life, I think it'll help you."

"I don't know if I can forgive her."

"And I'm not saying you have to. You'll always hate what she did. But I think you need to find a place for her in your life."

She doesn't push any further, and they shower and get Ray to drive them over to her place for fresh clothes.

….

Keen to take his mind off things, Donna suggests they go out for lunch, then she persuades Harvey into a long walk around the park on the basis that it's sure to do him good. He grumbles a bit, but as they walk she can feel him relax, and the conversation focuses on the baby, the house, the future. She is relieved to see there's optimism there again.

She hopes she has reassured him for now, but Mike's secret and the threat it poses hasn't gone away. He's going to need a new therapist to help him to learn how to live with it. Honestly, their conversation about the near miss has shaken her too - but she can't go there right now.

After their walk, they go back to her place, and Donna books train tickets and a hotel for Boston for the following weekend. She tells Harvey that if he changes his mind, they can just hang out, see Marcus and his family. No pressure.

They spend the night together again. Strong, powerful Harvey has always been a turn on for Donna, but tonight, his ego has been laid aside, his armor removed, and when they make love, there's a new closeness between them.

She senses that he's scared she'll see him differently, now he's laid himself bare to her, and perhaps she does. Harvey Specter has long been her fantasy, but here in her arms is the disorderly, complex, human reality, and there's beauty in that too.

The chasm between them has closed, and it's almost as if they've managed to undo the events of the previous week. But by this time next week they will probably have seen Lily, and Donna wonders where that will take them?