Chapter 21: Week beginning 31st January

Harvey arrives at work on Monday with a list of people that he needs to talk to.

Over breakfast, Donna had urged him to make it right with Louis before he does anything else.

"You need to trust him. He'll want to help."

"I'm pretty sure helping me is the last thing on Louis's mind."

Donna rolls her eyes. "The way he's acting lately - he wants your acceptance and, ideally, your approval. It's not so long ago that he asked you to be his best man. Let him in."

"I'll think about it," he says a little sulkily.

"You don't do this, Harvey - he'll shout about Saturday night to Jessica and anyone else who'll listen. And this war between you - it'll escalate. Don't think about it, Harvey, do it."

He knows he has to, however much it pains him. So he gets in early, finds Louis and apologizes. He also tells him about his panic attacks, with minimal detail. Louis wrestles him into a bear hug, and offers up Dr Lipschitz: they could be 'therapy buddies', apparently. Harvey thinks this might be worse than Louis staying pissed at him.

Next up is Thomas. This time Harvey's acting of his own volition. He's name partner, Thomas is a client and he knows he has no choice but to apologize unreservedly. Straight after he's freed himself from Louis's clutches, he calls him and does just that, no excuses. Thomas is very gracious, which Harvey tries not to find irritating. Mr Fucking Perfect.

Then, finally, he calls Marcus to tell him about his plans for the weekend.

"Hey Dickhead, what's up?"

"Hi Loser. Katie OK? The kids?"

"All good Harvey. I've not heard from you in forever. How are things?"

"I'm good. Listen. Are you around this weekend?"

"Yeah. Kids have got their usual clubs. No big plans. You coming to Boston?"

"Friday night. I'm staying at the Ritz."

"Too fancy for the spare room these days, big bro?"

"It's not that. I'm bringing Donna."

"Donna your secretary-that-you're-definitely-not-crazy-in-love-with Donna?"

"That Donna, yes."

"So you've given up denying the 'crazy in love' part? Interesting."

He can't keep the smile out of his voice. "I guess I have."

"I'm happy for you dickhead. Really, I am."

"I thought maybe we could eat at the restaurant on Friday night?"

"Perfect. I'm not working. We can get mo… We can find a babysitter. That'd be great."

When Harvey hangs up, she raises an eyebrow. "That Donna? How many Donnas have you got in your life, mister?"

Harvey smiles. "He's really happy you're coming."

"You didn't tell him about the baby?"

"I want to tell him in person." He grins proudly. "A whole new Specter is kind of a big deal."

He's feeling better, with this plan in place. Lighter. He looks through the glass wall at Donna, who has gone back to studying some papers, biting on her favorite four-color pen. He owes her so damn much.

…

It's Thursday, late afternoon, and Donna is feeling surprisingly upbeat after the drama of the past week.

She sees it as a positive that Harvey was willing and able to let her in when he was struggling, in a way that she's never seen before. It also helps that his breakdown was about his fear about not being together, rather than about being trapped into a family life he's not ready for. The latter has been her fear since she knew she was pregnant. He still seems solid in his commitment to her, to the baby.

They've stayed at their own places this week - he's working late mostly, and she needs early nights right now. But she's keeping a close eye on him, and he seems pretty stable, for now.

And the trip is still on. They're due to leave tomorrow, and so far Harvey hasn't shown any signs of backing out.

She is anxious about the weekend, however. Seeing Harvey unravel had hit her hard, and brought home just how precarious their future is. She just hopes that her gut instinct is right, and that Harvey seeing his mom right now will help him, not make matters worse.

The last time they'd seen each other, at his dad's funeral, he'd done pretty well with his mom, she muses. But then Bobby had shown up and it had been more than he could handle...

The phone rings, startling Donna out of her reverie. It's Marcus, calling to confirm timings for dinner on Friday night. Harvey's in a meeting, so Donna seizes the chance to boost the weekend's chances of success.

"I hear my big brother finally saw what was right in front of his stupid face," Marcus says, his tone affectionate.

"Took him long enough," and quips.

"Seriously. Donna, I'm so happy. Dad would've been too."

"Thanks Marcus… Hang on a minute." Donna transfers the call into Harvey's office and picks up there. "Right, I'm back. Marcus, I don't think Harvey told you why we're coming this weekend."

"No?"

"He wants to make peace with your mom."

"Shit, really? Why now? I mean I'd love it if they could...I dunno… stand to be in the same room. But I'd pretty much given up hope."

"It's complicated. But could you talk to her? See if she's free, maybe Saturday afternoon?"

"Yeah, sure. Wow."

"Bobby would need to be elsewhere."

"Yeah. Last thing we need is a repeat of last time."

"Maybe she could put away any photos of him out of the way."

There's an uncomfortable silence. "I don't know, Donna. He's been part of her life for like 20 years now. Isn't it time that Harvey just accepted him? People have affairs, marriages break up. Even dad got over it."

It dawns on Donna: Marcus may not know the full story.

"Marcus, how old is Haley now?"

"She's eight. Why?"

"Harvey was eight when he walked in on your mom with another guy. That's the first time she asked him to lie to your dad."

There's a short silence. "I didn't know that. I thought he was at Harvard when... Why didn't he tell me?"

"He was ashamed that he kept the secret so long. And then everyone blamed him when he couldn't do it anymore, so he was ashamed about that too."

"Shit. If I'd have known..."

"You didn't know. But what you said once, about him being the one to screw up your family - it's still with him. And it's affecting our family."

"Family? Do you mean…?"

"For now, all I'll say is that this needs to go well Marcus, ok? There's a lot riding on it for us. Harvey's going to find it hard, and if you can show him a little understanding, make it easy on him wherever you can. That'll go a long way."

"OK, I get it."

They say goodbye and hang up. She hopes that Harvey won't have an issue with her talking to Marcus about this. But she thinks it's deeply unfair that Harvey has taken so much blame for their fractured family, and there's more chance of things healing if Marcus is more sympathetic and supportive - and, for now at least, that means keeping Bobby away. Things are fragile. She needs to do everything in her power to make this trip a success.

…

Donna and Harvey finish work at lunchtime on Friday, and head to Penn Station to catch the train. It's busy, and it takes them a while to find seats.

"Remind me again why we're taking public transportation?" Harvey pronounces the last two words with disgust. Donna knows he is thinking fondly of a new car at his club that he'd had his eye on.

"Because the train is faster, when you account for Friday night traffic. And because it's more comfortable." She ticks the reasons off on her fingers. "More leg room, no seat belt digging into my bump, plus we can stretch our legs now and again. Varicose veins are not a pregnancy souvenir I'm looking for."

"Well I guess I can't argue with that," he smiles.

He relaxes into the journey, and she is surprised by how calm he seems. He's quiet and reflective, his fingers looped through hers, staring out of the window as they race past highways and suburban backyards and fleeting glimpses of the ocean. But she's pleased that he doesn't seem especially anxious.

When they arrive, they get a taxi to their hotel, quickly check in and drop their bags, then head straight over to Marcus's restaurant.

There's no need to tell Marcus and Katie their news as such - it's obvious as soon as Donna takes off her coat. Given their suspicions after Donna's hint the previous day, they do a good job of feigning surprise.

"Congratulations big bro. I'm finally going to be an uncle!"

"The kids are going to be blown away - a new aunt and a new cousin," says Katie.

"Haley's going to be just thrilled that it's a girl. It took her a long time to accept Zach wasn't one. Wanted to call him Elsa anyway!"

Dinner is really food is good, and the restaurant is buzzing. Marcus's business is clearly in great shape, and she knows that means a lot to Harvey, after all his brother's troubles.

Marcus is going out of his way to be nice to Harvey. There's sometimes a bit of an edge to their banter which isn't present today: clearly Donna's words the previous day hit home.

They head back to the hotel straight after dinner for an early night - it's been a long day and Donna in particular is exhausted.

She booked a two-bedroom suite, just in case, but without really thinking about it, they climb into the same bed and Donna falls quickly into a deep sleep.

….

Harvey takes hours to fall asleep, and wakes early. He's nervous about what Saturday will bring. He would like to back out, but he knows he can't. Donna thinks reconnecting with Lily will help, and she's not usually wrong. He can't fix the Mike situation, but he can do this for their family.

After a quick breakfast, they head over to Marcus's, and go to the local park to throw a ball around with the kids for a while before returning to the house.

Haley is initially a little overawed by Donna - even casually dressed, she is stylish and a little exotic to Haley's 8-year-old eyes. But after a few minutes, she carries her new aunt off to her room to show her her doll collection, and Katie and five-year old Zach tag along.

Harvey is left alone with Marcus, who takes him out into the backyard to show him his latest project: a treehouse he's building for the kids.

After a while, Marcus pauses, thrusting his hands in his coat pockets awkwardly.

"I owe you an apology, big bro."

Harvey looks confused.

"I never made it a secret that I… that I wished you'd never told dad about Bobby. I just wanted my mom and dad together. And it didn't seem like such a big deal for you to stay quiet - you already had one foot out the door."

"It wasn't like that."

"I know that now."

*And I've also given you shit over the years about not accepting Bobby.

I didn't know Mom made you lie for her since you were a little kid. That there were other guys. That must have been rough. I'm so sorry."

"Donna?"

He nods.

"It's OK, Marcus. You were a kid yourself, when it happened. And you didn't know the full story."

"I would love it if I could have my family together. But I get why this is so hard for you now. I'll help any way I can."

They hug, before going in to join the others for lunch, where Haley insists on having her uncle on one side and her aunt of the other. The kids are fun, and take his mind off what is to come.

…

It's twenty to three. Marcus and Katie are clearing up after lunch, and Donna is drawn into an elaborate game featuring Barbie, her camper van, a giant Koala and Anna and Elsa. Donna's in her element, making up crazy scenarios and doing funny voices, which has Haley and Zach in stitches.

Harvey is due at Lily's place at three. It's a ten minute walk. He kills time watching Donna and the kids, marvelling at Donna's imagination, and thinking about her playing with their own little girl like this one day. It's a good distraction from his mounting nerves.

Three comes and goes, and Harvey is still there, watching them. He'll leave in a minute or two.

Ten past three. He sees Donna look at the clock and break away from the game. She leads Harvey into the empty dining room.

"What are you still doing here, Harvey?" she asks gently.

"I forgot the time," he replies blankly.

"Harvey, you never forget the time. Did you change your mind about seeing her?"

"I didn't."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I haven't seen the woman in six years. The last time I did…"

"I know what happened the last time you did. Bobby won't be there today. I made sure."

He's standing hunched over, palms splayed on the table, eyes cast down.

"Listen to me. Every day you go out into the world and you find a way to win. It's who you are. It's what you do."

"Donna, this isn't about winning," he mumbles, sounding defeated.

"Yes it is. But it's not just one person: in this case, it's two. And right now you're both losing."

He looks up at her.

"What if I can't do it?"

"The fact that you're here tells me you're ready to forgive her. And if you are, then that's all you need to do."

He swallows, nods and picks up his coat. Donna buttons it up for him, and rises onto her tiptoes to kiss him softly. She strokes his face.

"I'll be here when you get back. Whatever happens, we are here for you, and you'll be OK."

He is too choked up to respond. He turns so she can't see that his eyes are damp, and makes his way over to Lily's, barely aware of the world around him.

….

All too soon, Harvey is standing on the doorstep, ready to knock. It takes him a minute or so to work up the courage. "Pussy," he murmurs under his breath, glad no one can see him, then raps on the door.

He's shocked at how much Lily has aged. It's not that she doesn't look good for a woman of 70. She really does. But she looks like an old woman now. Smaller than he remembers her. More fragile. He's hit by the realisation that he doesn't have forever to make this right.

"Harvey!" she cries. She takes a deep breath, and wipes her eyes, shining with tears."I know we have a lot to talk about. I'm not expecting… anything. But can I hug you?"

"He gives a tight nod, and she wraps him in her arms. He's rigid. She quickly releases him.

She ushers him into the sitting room. It's large and airy, with art - her own, and others' - hung all over the white walls. It's not at all like the dingy, makeshift little house he grew up in. It's smarter, nicer - but nothing about it feels like home.

He takes a seat, sitting with awkward politeness on the edge of the armchair.

Lily breaks the silence. "This feels strange, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, a little bit."

"So where do we start?"

"I guess we start with me telling you that I'm ready to forgive you."

"Why now?"

"Someone very special to me convinced me that I need to do this."

"Marcus told me about you and Donna. I'm so pleased. I've always been rooting for the two of you."

"How do you even know about her?"

"Marcus. And before that, your father. He would be delighted. It bothered him that you were alone, especially when he was convinced you'd met the girl for you. And I worried that it might be because…"

He cuts her off. "Donna's pregnant. It's a girl, due in June."

Lily's eyes fill with tears again, and she makes a move as if to embrace him, then thinks better of it, and pulls back.

They chat about the baby for a while, with Harvey's answers gradually becoming a little fuller, a little less guarded.

Harvey asks about Lily's art, and she brightens, as she tells him about the latest piece, and her involvement in a local kids' art class. She's so relaxed and animated. It's clear that she loves what she does. Harvey remembers what his dad said long ago about how she didn't pick up a paint brush for years when they were little. He's glad her time has come again now.

After about an hour, Harvey has had about as much as he can take. On the surface, it's all going well. It's been… nice. But he feels uncomfortable, and he's trying to put his finger on why. Perhaps they moved on from the issues between them to general chit chat too quickly?

He stands up abruptly, ready to leave, his body language discouraging any further attempts at hugging.

Lily stands up too. "Harvey. You say that you're ready to forgive me. But I want you to know that I forgive you too."

He looks at her questioningly, so she clarifies. "For the last time I saw you, and for being gone all those years."

He's on the defensive immediately. "I had my reasons to be gone."

"Yes you did when you were younger. But you're not a child now and you haven't been for a long time."

"I can't believe you. You're turning this around on me."

"I'm not turning it around, Harvey."

He pictures Donna. Thinks about their baby. He wants to be part of a functioning family. Especially if there's a chance he may have to leave them for a while. So he takes a deep breath. Swallows down his rising anger. For them.

"Lily. I don't want to fight. I'm so angry. I don't want to be anymore, but I don't know how to stop."

"Then let me say how sorry I am for all the pain that I have caused you."

He nods, and turns to leave.

Lily's apology helps, but he's still left with the sense that she doesn't really get it, how much her actions hurt him, the impact it has had.

But Dr Agard's comparison between his actions and his mom's is on his mind. He's not perfect. He's made mistakes. And he would want his kid to forgive him, to love him anyway.

He turns back to Lily.

"Could we - could we have dinner tomorrow? As a family?"

"That would be wonderful, Harvey. There is nothing I would rather do."

….

When Harvey returns, Donna notes his sombre demeanor, and makes excuses to Marcus and Katie, promising to see the kids the next day.

They're back at the hotel eating room service, which Donna selected, as she couldn't get an opinion out of Harvey. He's barely said a word.

The only thing of substance that he's shared is that he'd suggested a family dinner. Donna is perplexed - she assumes it can't have gone too badly, if Harvey is prepared to see Lily again, and with the kids there. But he seems like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. She's desperate to help him, for him to let her in.

"Harvey, talk to me. Something's not right."

"I'm fine, OK?" he snaps.

"It's not me you're mad at, Harvey."

He takes a deep breath. "You're right. It's not. I'm sorry, Donna."

She waits, expecting him to elaborate, but he says nothing more.

He puts on the TV and skips from channel to channel for a while, then announces that he's ready for bed, kissing her head woodenly on the top of her head, and going into the bedroom that was unoccupied the night before.

Donna takes that as a sign that he needs space, and goes into the room they shared last night. She knows this isn't about her, about them. She does. But it feels like a step backwards, not forward, and she feels heartbroken for him, for her.