Chapter 22: Sunday 6th February

First thing in the morning, Donna messages Marcus to tell him about Harvey's suggestion of dinner with the whole family tonight. Marcus offers to host, though he's clearly dubious about the wisdom of including the kids.

She gives him a heads up that Harvey seems to be struggling, and asks him to make sure Lily is definitely not bringing Bobby. Today has to go well, if she's to take Harvey back to New York in better shape, not worse.

Donna pulls on a fluffy white hotel robe and goes into the sitting room, bracing herself for which version of Harvey she might find. There's no sign of him, so, with some trepidation, she knocks on his door and enters without waiting for a response.

He's sitting propped up in bed, staring morosely at his phone.

"Hey."

"Hey." He looks up at her blankly.

"Do you want to go get some breakfast?"

"OK." He looks back at his phone.

She feels distinctly unwelcome, but she forces herself to stay a little longer, perching on the end of his bed, and keeping her tone calm and pleasant.

"The kids have swimming and drama this morning. I thought maybe you could show me around Harvard?" She hopes it might get him talking, and take his mind off whatever happened yesterday, what might happen this evening.

"OK." He forces a smile, but she sees that it doesn't reach his eyes. Then he looks back at his phone.

Donna feels hurt and angry that he's shutting her out when she's doing so much to help him. She resents that she has to shoulder the burden of all this stress and worry, and provide thankless support, at a time when she herself is worried and exhausted and hormonal, and, honestly, she would really like Harvey to look after her right now. There's a part of her that wants to demand some appreciation, storm out, let him sort out his own goddamn mess if he can't show any recognition of her efforts.

But she won't do that. She is going to see Harvey through this, whatever it takes, because she loves him. If she backs away from him now, it'll reinforce all his fears about his ability to make a success of this, their family. So Donna forces herself to stay patient, and sacrifice her own needs for now. She stands up, kisses the top of his head to make sure he knows she's still here for him, tells him she's going to get showered and dressed, and gently nudges him to do the same.

When she returns from the bathroom, Harvey's suitcase is gone from her room, where he'd left it on the first night. Presumably he's taken it to what now seems to be his room. It makes her sad: it's a physical manifestation of them growing further apart, instead of coming closer together.

Harvey doesn't have a lot to say over breakfast. Donna tries to amuse him by surreptitiously making fun of a couple in matching his 'n' her outfits, and speculating about the likely career path of a man in an odd black patent trench coat. In the right mood, he'd join in with relish, but today she doesn't get more than a weak smile in return. She is desperately trying not to take any of this personally, to stay upbeat and supportive, but she's just finding it so hard. She could easily burst into tears, crawl back into bed, give up. But he needs her: she has to stay strong.

After breakfast, they wrap up warm and get the T to Cambridge. Harvey loops his arm through hers, telling her that he's worried about her slipping on the ice. Pregnancy has shifted her center of gravity, and she feels a little less steady than normal. It's a small gesture, but it feels good to receive some care and consideration back.

Donna has only been to Cambridge once before. Harvey had needed a date to a Harvard Law reunion not long after they started at Pearson Hardman. He thought it would be more fun with Donna, so what did she think? Deep down, she knew it was a terrible idea - it was only a year after the other time, and she had worked hard to keep some distance between them. But she had no plans, and always struggled to say no to Harvey, so she didn't.

Donna hadn't really seen much of the Harvard campus or of Cambridge. They'd flown in on the afternoon of the event, and when they landed at Logan it had already been dark and they had to go straight to the venue. Then they got a taxi straight back to the airport first thing the next morning. They overdid it on the champagne, because they were young, and it was free, and, in her case, she was secretly nervous, so she barely remembered the parts of Harvard that she had seen.

She did have a dim memory of putting her acting skills to good use to liven up the dull event, amusing herself and Harvey by presenting herself as a different character to each stuffed-shirt lawyer he'd introduced her to. The characters got wilder and wilder with every drink. She'd been his boss, his mistress, his Russian mail-order bride, and, finally, a circus performer he picked up at the airport. She had relished the fact that, for lawyers, her victims were surprisingly gullible.

High on success, Harvey egged her on, seemingly indifferent to what anyone might think of him. He was already winning big and winning often, and nothing could dent his stratospheric trajectory: they'd felt invincible.

The only part of the trip lodged vividly in her memory is of them stumbling back to their hotel, doubled over with laughter, holding each other up. They'd paused on the threshold of her room for just a moment, suddenly aware of their hands on each others' bodies, their faces inches apart, breaths mingling, temptation hanging heavy in the air. Just for a moment, she saw maybe written on his face, then he'd stepped back with a sheepish smile, wished her good night and returned to his own room. She'd told herself it was for the best, surprised by a sharp sting of disappointment. Wouldn't she have turned him down in any case?

Nevertheless, the memory of the trip makes her happy. She and Harvey, at their best, they have a lot of fun together. It's a welcome reminder of what she is fighting for. She reminds Harvey about it in her best Russian accent, and he gives her the first genuine smile she's seen in a while, albeit briefly.

When they emerge from the station, Donna points out their hotel from back then. It's nothing fancy compared with the places they can afford now. Then she suggests they get coffees from a little kiosk, mainly to keep their hands warm. They wander through frosty Harvard Yard with their hands clasped around the steaming cups, and Donna asks lots of questions to get Harvey talking. He gradually warms up a little, telling her some funny stories about his student days. It's nice to find out something new about him after all these years.

After Harvey's tour, they potter around the giant Harvard Book Store, and pick up presents for the kids. Donna finds a cute edition of her childhood favorite Goodnight Moon, and buys it for their own little girl: it'll be her first book. She ignores Harvey, who isn't familiar with the story, and pronounces the quiet old lady whispering hush as creepy as hell and not suitable for children.

Next, they take a walk around Cambridge Common under the leaden winter skies, stopping to look at the signs outlining its history.

"Next time we're here, maybe we'll take Sharky there." He gestures over to the playground, where a few toddlers are running about.

"We're still not calling her that, Harvey!" she laughs. "That's a weird thought, isn't it?" She takes his gloved hand in hers and, instead of pulling away, he squeezes it.

"Yeah. Can you believe she'll be a real little person, just like those?"

"She's already a real little person who likes to use my bladder as a football. Ugh, my toes are completely numb. We need to keep walking fast or find somewhere to warm up."

"I could take you to a place that does the best blueberry pancakes in Cambridge? Or it did, back in the day."

She readily agrees, and they stride over to an old-fashioned diner as quickly as they safely can on the icy ground, and order hot chocolate and pancakes.

Harvey casually mentions that this was where he first talked to Scottie - he'd seen her before, in class, of course. Donna feels and quickly suppresses, a flicker of jealousy, imagining young Harvey and Scottie here together, before she even knew him.

She is prone to feeling sensitive about Scottie at the moment. Exactly what happened between the two of them that night in the bar still niggles at her, to her irritation. Her rational mind tells her it was nothing. But Harvey had been in such a state - he could easily have made a poor decision. Or maybe he was in that state in part due to a guilty conscience? She pushes the thought from her mind. He was in no state to go there.

It's almost time to meet Marcus and his family, so they take the T back into Boston, and Donna reflects that she's fairly happy with how the morning panned out. Harvey still hasn't shared exactly what upset him yesterday, but he's interacting with her pretty much normally again now, and he seems calmer and less distant, much to her relief.

Donna had arranged to meet at Faneuil Hall Marketplace. The kids are touchingly delighted to see them, and they all watch the street performers and live musicians for a while, before grabbing some lunch at a restaurant that offers a good view of a pair of acrobats performing.

After lunch, they head over to Boston Common. The kids show them their favorite places, taking in the frog pond, the duckling statues and the merry-go-round, then they all take a ride on a swan boat. It's a nice city. She likes it here.

It warms Donna's heart to see Harvey taking the kids' small hands in his, to watch him swing them in the air and whisper silly secrets in their ears that make them laugh and protest. He's better at this than he knows. She can see that if he hadn't been so damaged, he would have been a natural family man.

They decide to get hot drinks from a stall, and while they're waiting in line, Harvey wraps his arms around Donna's middle to warm her up, and kisses her cold cheek. She savors his affection. Who knows what state he'll be in after this evening?

She notices that Haley is studying them intently, a very solemn expression on her face.

"Aunt Donna?"

"Yes, Haley?"

"Are you and Uncle Harvey getting married?"

They both laugh, while Katie protests, embarrassed, and Marcus smirks.

"Why do you ask, Haley?" asks Harvey.

"If you do, can I be your bridesmaid?"

"When we get married, sure you can be a bridesmaid," he replies.

"When we get married? Hold your horses, mister. First, you've got to get me to say yes," she says playfully.

"Looks like Uncle Harvey'll have to up his game," observes Marcus, clearly loving this.

"Can you ask her today, Uncle Harvey? All my friends have been bridesmaids already, and I never have."

"Maybe not today honey, but hopefully someday soon." He winks at Donna's and she cracks up laughing again.

She's glad that he's so relaxed about this topic, given that she turned him down only a month ago. She supposes things have moved on a lot since then. But this man never fails to surprise her.

….

Back at Marcus's place, they all pitch in to get dinner ready and occupy Haley and Zach. At 7, Lily shows up and the kids do an excellent job at dispelling the awkwardness of the situation, telling their grandma about their day out, their new books, the fact that they're going to be big cousins.

Haley shows Donna a real canvas that she painted under Lily's guidance in her studio, and, with evident pride, Lily tells Donna how hard the little girl has worked. They clearly have a loving, close relationship. Having heard nothing but negativity from Harvey, it's good to see this warm, positive side of Lily. It gives her hope that she and Harvey will eventually find their way.

Over dinner, Donna and Lily connect over their shared interest in the arts, and Lily delights in sharing a few cute stories from Harvey's childhood. Harvey stays pretty quiet, but they're here, all together in the same room, and it's OK.

They're finishing up the strawberry pie, apparently Harvey's childhood favorite, made by Lily to celebrate their family reunion. It's past Haley's usual bedtime, and she's a little overtired, and overexcited by the novelty of having so many relatives in one place. She is counting all the people in her family on her fingers. She starts with Aunt Donna, which makes everyone laugh, and finishes with Grandpa Bobby.

"Where is Grandpa Bobby, Grandma?"

Harvey tenses. Donna puts a reassuring hand on his thigh.

"Sadly he couldn't be here tonight sweetheart. Maybe he can join us next time Uncle Harvey is here," says Lily.

Harvey pushes back his chair abruptly, stands up and walks out. They hear the door to the backyard slam. Marcus shoots an angry look at Lily, throws down his napkin, and follows him.

Katie swiftly gets the kids to hug Lily and Donna goodnight and ushers them upstairs.

Only Donna and Lily are left at the table. There is a momentary awkward silence.

Lily jumps in to justify herself. "If he's serious about making this work, he needs to get over this and accept Bobby is in my life. I'm hardly the first person to get a divorce and move on." She sounds flustered.

So that's where Marcus got that point of view. Donna feels furious on Harvey's behalf. Rewriting history, framing the situation as an ordinary case of a marriage breaking down, people moving on. After all these years, surely Lily has reflected on what she asked of Harvey, and the impact that has clearly had on her son?

Donna decides that this bullshit stops here. "No, Lily, if you're serious about making this work, you need to take an honest look at what you did to him when you made him lie to his dad from the age of eight."

Lily blanches. "He - he remembers that?"

"He remembers it vividly. You told yourself he didn't understand and he'd soon forget? Am I right?"

She nods, looking stunned.

"Perhaps he didn't understand at first, but he knew something was very wrong, and he didn't forget a thing about that day. And, pretty soon, he knew exactly what it was."

"I...I thought it was the best thing for the whole family. The boys would grow up with a stable home. And I wouldn't hurt Gordon. I really thought it was best."

Donna softens. "I can see that, Lily. And it can't have been easy, with Gordon always away. I'm not judging you."

"It devastates me that I hurt him. But he's not a child now. He knows life is complicated. And it's not Bobby's fault I asked him to lie. If Gordon could accept Bobby. Marcus, then surely…"

Donna feels anger rising again. "You must see it is different for Harvey! He carries so much guilt about keeping the secret, then about not keeping it. Did Gordon even know how young Harvey was when it started? Marcus certainly didn't. And so for all these years Marcus has blamed him. And that's hurt him too.

Lily is silent.

"It's not just that Harvey has a hard time forgiving you, or accepting Bobby, Lily. It's no coincidence that it's taken us so many years to get here. The damage runs deep."

"I'm so sorry Donna. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do to get things back on track with him"

"You need to accept that this needs to be on his terms, even if you don't like them. Iif you want him in your life, maybe you will have to keep Bobby out of his way. With time, that may change. But you can't expect that of him, or pressure him. If you force 'Grandpa Bobby' on him, this will fail. Only you can say if that's a price worth paying to have your son back. And at giving him a shot at finding peace of mind and happiness."

"This is very hard for me to hear. But I'm taking it on board."

"All I ask is that you make sure he knows you get it, and don't push him too hard. I don't want to be left picking up the pieces again, Lily." Donna blinks back tears.

At this point, Marcus and Harvey re-enter the room.

Donna and Lily stand, and Donna makes a move to leave, but Lily gestures for her to stay.

"No Donna, I want you to know I've heard what you said to me."

Lily turns to face her eldest son. "Harvey. When I asked you to lie, you were so young, I thought you wouldn't understand, that you'd forget. I was wrong.

"We both may have played a part in the last twenty years, but I was an adult and you were a child, and I put you in a horrible position. Not a day goes by that I don't understand why you hate me. I was your mother. I was supposed to protect you, not scar you. Harvey, I am so sorry."

"I don't hate you, Mom. I hate what you did, and I probably always will but I don't hate you."

"I'll take that. I love you Harvey."

"I love you too mom."

She pulls him into an embrace, and for the first time he relaxes into it. Donna and Marcus exchange glances and quietly leave.

….

Harvey and Lily break apart, and sit at the table.

"I would love to be a part of your life. To get to know Donna and the baby."

*I want that too. I just… hope I can do it. Be the dad she deserves. Be a good partner for Donna."

"Why would you doubt that, Harvey?"

He's silent.

"You're not condemned to repeat our mistakes, you know that, right? You've always been way more stable and responsible than your father and I ever were. Probably because you had to be, and I'm sorry about that."

"I don't know mom. I've taken some risks…"

"You're not perfect, Harvey. None of us are. But you don't have to be to deserve love and happiness. You're going to be a good dad."

She pulls him into another hug.

"Whatever happens, you will always have a mother that loves you, and will always be here for you. And Donna - I don't think she's going anywhere, honey."

He thinks about sharing Mike's secret with her, his fear that he might be the one leaving, but decides it's too complicated,and he's too ashamed. Somehow he feels better able to cope with that right now, his fears not overwhelming him the way they were a couple of weeks ago.

….

Back at the hotel, Donna and Harvey are sitting on the couch. Harvey has a beer; Donna a herbal tea. Through the pregnancy, never has Donna missed wine as much as she does this evening, although Harvey is way more relaxed, and things feel good.

"Are you glad we did this?" asks Donna tentatively.

"He puts his hand on her thigh."Yes. It'll be a process, but I do feel better. I owe you a huge debt for making me do this, Donna. And supporting me through it. I know - I know it hasn't been easy. I'm sorry I couldn't talk to you last night."

"It's ok, Harvey. Maybe you couldn't fully let me in. But you didn't entirely push me away either. It's a start."

"I'll see Lipschitz. I want to keep working on this - communication, I mean. I think it'll help us."

"I think that's a good idea." She tried to lighten the mood a little. "So you'll be 'therapy buddies' with Louis for me? Must be true love."

She says it flippantly, but he answers her in all seriousness. "You know it is."

They sit in thoughtful silence for a few minutes.

"What about you, Donna? This must have been hard on you. How are you holding up?"

It's unexpected. Old Harvey would never have thought to ask.

Without warning, Donna is overwhelmed by all the stress and emotion that she has been bottling up over the previous fortnight, and the tears flow hot and heavy down her cheeks, and she is sobbing.

"Hey, Donna, I'm so sorry." Harvey pulls her in close and strokes her hair.

"Stupid hormones," Donna mumbles

"Not just hormones. I've been a dick. I need to start looking after you better."

She nods, her face pressed against his damp shirt.

"I will, I promise," he whispers, kissing the top of her head, and rocking her gently until her tears subside.

He takes her to bed, holds her close and kisses her tenderly, as he cradles her face in his hands. He pulls back, and looks at her like she is the only person in the world..

Right now, she knows she would forgive him anything, do anything to help him. Because when it's good, it's like this, and it's intoxicating.

But she knows she can't let her heart rule her head. She wants consistency. To feel that she can share her feelings with him, instead of having to continually beat them down. She can put him over her for a while, but it's not healthy or fair long term. And she won't be able to put him ahead of the baby, once she's here. Harvey needs to keep making progress over the coming months.

Once again, things are blurry between them. They were doing this as friends, then he wanted to marry her, but not really, and then he was ready, till he crashed days later and demonstrated that he wasn't. But she is done trying to protect herself or impose boundaries and labels and rules: it doesn't work, they're in too deep. She has to find a way to handle the uncertainties of being in a relationship with someone who isn't completely ready, where she might easily get hurt. She will take the good parts, weather the storms, and trust that eventually things will work out the way they're supposed to, and she can only hope no one gets too hurt in the process.