Chapter 27: Saturday 11 June (one week old)

Harvey flops down on the couch next to Donna. He has cleaned up the kitchen, set the dishwasher running, and checked that Donna's parents have everything they need: thankfully they've retired for the night to the basement apartment.

He has been working hard to make their visit as stress-free as possible for Donna, who is still fragile after the birth. He is proud of himself for getting through Day 1, rising above Jim's barbed comments and deftly changing the subject any time Clara's 'helpful' feedback looks like getting out of hand. He's glad that they have their own space instead of having to stay in the main house: it will certainly boost the chances of them getting through the visit without major incident.

Now he's happy that he can finally relax with his girls. He fiddles with various apps on his phone to dim the lights, and play some soothing jazz. It pains him to use Donna's fancy sound system instead of his beloved records, but it's been a really long day and he's going with the easiest option.

The baby is lying on Donna's lap, flailing her little arms and legs. "Can I take her?"

She nods and he scoops up the wriggly little girl. He'd never have believed it a week ago, but he's a pro at handling her now. With Clara and Jim to manage, he feels like he hasn't spent enough time with her today, and he swears she's changed even since this morning.

"Hey baby girl. You're so beautiful," he murmurs softly.

"Harvey. You're supposed to praise little girls for qualities other than the way they look," Donna looks at him with mock severity, gesturing to a pile of parenting books.

"Well, I don't exactly have much evidence for her intellect or sporting prowess yet, so I can't really comment on those."

"Who says she'll be sporty? She might have artistic ability, or a flair for drama?"

"Nope, no sign of those yet either. Though her crying can certainly be a little dramatic."

He chuckles, and returns to the soft tone he uses just for his daughter. "But you sure are cute, aren't you, little girl? And my book tells me that you don't even know that these little hands belong to you yet, never mind what beautiful means. So it doesn't really matter what I say to you, does it? It's just about how I say it."

The baby is staring at him with round eyes and a furrowed brow, looking for all the world like she is hanging on his every word, so he carries on.

"Daddy loves you so much. And Daddy loves Mommy too, of course." He looks at Donna and smiles. "And Mommy and Daddy really need to pick out a name for you, don't we?"

Donna sighs loudly. "Urgh, don't you start on that too. I've heard enough from my mother." She imitates Clara: "'But honey, the ladies from choir are all asking on The Facebook. What am I to tell people?"

Harvey continues, in an exaggerated sing song Clara voice. "I know she wasn't exactly planned, but it's not like you didn't have some warning that she was coming, is it now sweetie?'"

Donna laughs. "And what about my dad? She sits back, folds her arms and puts on a deep Jim voice, glowering at Harvey. "Working the hours you do, it's no wonder you haven't had time to prepare. I hope you know that's allllll going to have to change now, don't you Harvey?"

"That's terrifying. For the first time I could actually see a resemblance between you and your dad."

"I don't know, I think the baby looks more like him than I do. They could both use a bit more hair…"

They both laugh.

"On her name though. There's no rush. Not for your mom and dad, or… the goddamn choir ladies... or anyone. It's ok to take some time."

"They're probably right though. She does need a name. It's just - my head is just all over the place right now."

She leans over and wriggles a finger into the baby's soft little fist. "You know, I like both the options we talked about." She puts on her own special baby voice. "Why doesn't Daddy just pick one?"

He looks at her sceptically. "Are you sure, because…"

"Just do it, Harvey! I honestly love both."

"OK. For me, Mia has the edge over Avery. I like the meaning. You once said…" he pauses, a little embarrassed. "You once said that, no matter what, you're mine and I'm yours. And now I have a family that's really mine again, and it all happened because we made her."

Donna leans over and kisses him softly on the lips, then looks back at the baby. "Hey there, little Mia."

"Mia Avery Specter?" he asks.

Donna nods. "Mia Avery Specter."

"Choir ladies everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief," he smiles.

They both sit there quietly for a while in the soft lamplight admiring their brand new little person, who feels much more official and person-like now she has her brand new name.

Harvey feels content and at peace. It's an unfamiliar feeling, and it's nice. All those worries about whether he's good enough for them, for this, are gone. He and Donna and Mia belong to each other now, and that's just a fact.

He's still worried about Donna though. Parenting a newborn isn't a good way to get over trauma and surgery. It's only 9.30, but he notices her eyes are heavy, with dark shadows under them. "You should get some sleep, Donna."

"Oh, I was enjoying sitting here with you two. But you're right." She reluctantly heaves herself up off the couch and heads to the bedroom.

Harvey stops the music and puts the TV on quietly and relishes the warm weight of the little redheaded bundle in his arms.

…

He brings Mia in for a feed shortly after 11. Donna had been in the middle of a dream, and she feels groggy and disoriented, as she heaves herself up into a sitting position, fumbles with her top and latches the baby on. Harvey checks they're all settled, then heads off to the spare room to catch a few hours before it's his turn to take the next shift. Donna wrenches herself fully awake, as she is scared of nodding off and smothering the tiny baby.

Like every night since the birth, she finds herself replaying the events in the hospital. What had happened. What she could have done differently. As soon as she realises it's happening again, she stops herself. But her mind drifts inexorably back to it a few minutes later. It's like a scab she can't stop picking. The thoughts are unhelpful and intrusive, but she doesn't know how to make them stop.

She had tried to talk to her mom about the birth, but Clara had shut her down. "Oh but sweetie, you have a lovely healthy baby girl! It was all worth it!" In fact, that has happened every time she has touched on the birth when talking to friends. Even with Rachel. It makes her feel irrelevant, erased.

She had tried to think of it that way herself. A healthy baby: what more could she want? Buy it's not easy to forget what happened and move on when she is living with the physical reminders, and worrying about whether she will ever fully heal. Everything feels sore and heavy when she walks around, her bladder is all messed up, and she still has to take care how she sits.

The baby (Mia, she reminds herself), finishes her feed, and Donna tries to put her in her crib, drowsy but awake, like the books say. Mia has other ideas. She cries as soon as she leaves her mother's arms. Donna picks her up and rocks her a little, singing softy. The baby's eyes are heavy again, and Donna sets her down carefully. Instantly her eyes snap open, and she's wailing. Soon, after several rounds of this, Donna is crying too: she is so tired she can barely stand up, her breasts are full and aching, and her stitches are tugging and sore. She just wants to crawl into bed and sleep for a hundred years. She did all her research. She is doing everything the goddamn books say. Why isn't it working?

…

After a while, Harvey is woken by the noise, and he comes in to help, squinting in the dim light. He takes in Donna's tear-stained face, her stooped posture."Hey, it's ok. I'll take her. You need to sleep."

"No, that's not fair, I…"

"Donna, you just gave birth. You get some rest."

Somehow his kindness makes her cry harder. He sits down on the bed, rocking Mia gently. "Is something wrong?"

"I just keep remembering it, you know, the birth? Reliving it. I don't want to. I know I should just be grateful we have a healthy baby. Everyone says it, but..."

"Hey. I've said it before. You are allowed to have feelings about what happened to you. It doesn't mean you're not grateful for her. It was really, really shit. And it kills me that I couldn't stop it from happening to you."

"I just keep thinking I wish I could go back in time. Do it differently."

"I do too. I think about it. But what happened was not your fault, or mine."

"I don't know. If I had done more research. Asked for a C-section earlier. If I hadn't signed those fucking consent papers..."

"Come here." He holds her for a minute, as well as he can while also cradling the baby.

"Sleep will help. I've got Mia tonight. I'll bring her in at 3 for her feed, then I'll take her away Just rest, ok? And we can talk about this more any time you want to."

She takes a shuddering breath, nods, and heads off to the spare room. Harvey takes the path of least resistance and lets Mia sleep in his arms. He thinks again that, when the dust has settled, Donna really should talk to someone about what's happened. He resolves to ask Lipschitz for a recommendation.

He looks down at his sleeping daughter. She is so perfect. But life with a baby isn't easy. He was worried about Donna's mental health before Mia arrived, and is more worried now. He senses trouble ahead. He's due back at work in a week, but he decides to ask Jessica for a longer break. After all the times Donna has been there for him, he is damned if he is going to let her down now.