Chapter 29: Saturday 3 September (3 months old)

Scottie looks tiny and gorgeous. She appears to be giving Harvey her undivided attention. Donna thinks of her own rumpled, milk-stained t shirt; the hair that she probably didn't brush today, maybe not even yesterday; her scarred and torn body; her scrambled brain; the narrowness of her world, leaving her with a dearth of things to talk about. She can't compete.

She still has her suspicions about what happened the last time Harvey saw Scottie, right before his first panic attack. And if Scottie has her sights set on Harvey: when did she ever not get what she wanted?

Donna scrolls through more photos, scouring the background of each picture for any more clues, but there's nothing.

She thinks back to the weeks before Mia was born. There had been distance between the two of them after Harvey didn't show up for her the night she went to hospital Braxton Hicks. It was forgotten when Mia arrived and they went into survival mode, working together as a team at home as seamlessly as they did in the office to get through the sleepless nights and steep learning curve of life with a new baby.

The issues between them had never really been resolved. Did Harvey even regard them as a couple? Or were they doing this as friends? Harvey loves her still in some way, she knows that. But the version of her that had been in love with her - that was gone for now, maybe forever. And she is all too aware that Harvey loving her and Harvey wanting to be with her are not synonymous.

Had Harvey known that Scottie would be there tonight? Was she the one who made him smile when he checked his messages right before he went out? The thought makes her feel sick.

...

Donna is hoping she can feign sleep when Harvey returns. If he returns? In light of what she has seen, she is expecting he'll be late. She is surprised to hear the door open and shut just after midnight, when she is sitting in a nursing chair in Mia's room feeding her. She hears him creep up to the door. He eases it open a crack, and peeps in.

"Oh you're awake?" he whispers loudly.

She nods, not looking up at him, hoping that the dim light hides her damp eyes and red nose. As if she needed another reason to feel unattractive. Harvey seems buoyant. Nothing about his demeanor suggests a guilty conscience. He's a little drunk, extra talkative.

"Louis says hi. I left him threatening to go to a karaoke bar. He wanted to do Love in the First Degree. Can you imagine?" He shudders. "And you should have seen the ridiculous cocktails he was drinking."

"I saw on Instagram," she says shortly.

"Makes sense. It's Louis, I should have known he'd be documenting every moment."

"Yes, perhaps you should have." Her tone is sharp. He looks at her for a moment, perplexed. He thinks that perhaps she was feeling a little isolated, and was sorry to miss the fun.

"It wasn't the same without you," he ventures.

She makes a scoffing sound, unlatches Mia, and lowers her gingerly into her crib, bending over to hide the fresh tears that she can't hold back.

"Donna?" Harvey is worried now. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, Harvey. You're free to go out. You went out. It's not like you made me any promises."

"What are you talking about?"

She doesn't say anything.

Sensing her mother's tension, Mia starts crying. Donna picks her up, and Harvey sees she's crying too.

"Here, let me take her."

He rocks Mia gently, and she quickly calms down. Donna sits on the bed, her face turned away.

"Seriously Donna, you're pissed at me and I don't know why. You're gonna have to help me here." She senses his irritation, and she can tell that he's trying to keep a lid on it.

"I saw you with Scottie. And I get it."

"Scottie happened to be in the same bar, yeah. What do you get?"

"The appeal. Of that. Over this. Her over me. But when I saw you..." She stifles a sob.

He sighs and sags wearily into the bed next to her. "Show me."

She scrolls to the picture.

The bar is a little over ten minutes away on foot, close enough for Harvey to walk. He's exhausted, and doesn't like to miss out on family time, especially not when Mia is changing so fast and Donna is struggling more than she will admit. But it feels good to be doing something different, going somewhere other than home or work. He's looking forward to some time with Mike especially, and he's glad Donna gave him a push to do this.

Mike is messaging him comedy updates from the bar. Louis is a total lightweight and, early as the night still is, he is clearly already more than a little drunk, judging by the pictures of him on the dancefloor.

Harvey enters the crowded bar, and feels disoriented by the noisy crush of the crowd shouting and laughing over the pulse of the music. It's a while since he's been anywhere like this.

He greets Louis, who immediately throws an arm around him, leans on him heavily and tells him he loves him like a brother, and that he has to dance. Harvey disentangles himself, rolling his eyes at Mike who is laughing at him.

"Can't say I didn't warn you old man. You're going to need a drink inside you if Louis gets his way."

"Louis will not get his way, birthday or no. But yes to that drink."

He orders his usual Macallan, and turns from the bar, running straight into a familiar figure. Dana Scott. Mike melts away to find Rachel, fully aware that Scottie is not his biggest fan. Harvey wishes he could scarper himself: last time he saw her she had been really mad at him, not without reason. But she is smiling broadly.

"Harvey! This is a nice surprise."

"Scottie. I'm glad you see it that way" He isn't sure what else to say, but her body language is welcoming, so rests his hand lightly on her waist and leans in to drop a polite kiss on her cheek. It's a world away from how they used to greet each other, but things are different now.

She steps back a little, and gestures to a guy on her right who Harvey hasn't noticed till now.

"This is Aayan, my fiance."

Ah. So this is why Scottie appears to have forgiven him. Thank god. He is far too tired for this night to get complicated. He's glad Scottie has found someone, and he's intrigued to meet him.

He chats to Scottie and Aayan for a while and finds out that Aayan is a photographer. He has little in common with the guy, but he seems nice, and Scottie is clearly smitten. He's probably just the right mix of successful and laid back that she needs. Why had they ever thought a relationship between the two most competitive lawyers in New York might work? They're far too similar. Harvey will always care about Scottie and he wants her to be as happy as he is happy. He hopes Aayan is it for her, like Donna is it for him.

Aayan excuses himself to go to the bar, leaving the two of them alone.

"So how is the great Harvey Specter finding sleepless nights and diapers?"

"Best thing that ever happened to me."

He shows her a picture of Mia. Since becoming a father, his friends and acquaintances have fallen into two camps: those genuinely excited to see baby pictures, and those expressing a merely polite interest. Scottie is definitely in the latter group, just as he would have been himself before this year.

"And Donna?"

"It's been tough on her. The birth wasn't easy."

Scottie then throws him off balance with some surprisingly probing questions about the birth and early parenthood.

She smiles up at him, as he speaks about his new life with affection and enthusiasm.

"You sound happy."

He smiles back. "Yeah. I am." He pauses. "You've asked a lot of questions for someone who never seemed much like a baby person."

"Aayan and I have been talking about it. Babies. If it's happening, it's gotta be soon."

"He wants it?"

"He's open to it. But he has a kid from his first marriage. He's OK either way."

"And where does the great Dana Scott stand on diapers?"

"I don't know… It's a big deal to close that door forever. But it's hard to step back from everything I ever worked for. I don't want to lose what I have. But it's not fair to have a kid and never see it."

"I guess it's easy for me - the decision made itself."

"How is it panning out? Balancing everything? Are you managing to do it all the way you'd want?"

He thinks about it. "I am for now. But it's a lot. And I need to remember to keep evaluating the situation. If I need to rethink my job, I will. In a heartbeat. And the weird thing is, I'm good with that."

"You're a changed man, Harvey Specter."

"I guess I am. The new, improved version."

"Is that right?"

A light flirtatiousness has crept into her tone, and his. The old energy crackles between them.

He thinks the scotch has gone to his head: he isn't used to drinking much these days. He consciously takes a small step back. Scottie notices and gives a crooked smile. "End of an era, huh."

He smiles back. "I guess so."

"I'm glad we can be friends. Or friendly. Or whatever. This has been great."

Aayan returns with drinks, they exchange a few more pleasantries, before Harvey excuses himself. He doesn't want to stay late, and he needs to chat to a few other people and spend a little time with Mike, before heading off.

While he is at the bar with Mike, he notices a woman. Blonde. Gorgeous. And checking him out. He knows all the signs. One time he would have smiled back. Bought her a drink. It was all to easy. Instead he turns back to Mike.

He's glad this isn't his life now. But the bar, the alcohol buzzing through his system, the encounter with Scottie, the woman looking at him that way. It all reminds him that he misses sex. He has been too exhausted to care lately. The old him would never have believed it. But tonight, he feels its pull again. But it's only Donna that he wants to be with that way.

He checks his phone. No messages. Hopefully that means that Mia has settled. But then she probably wouldn't tell him if she hadn't. He decides to finish his drink and get back to his girls.

…

Looking at the photo, Harvey sees clearly what Donna's thinking. It looks bad. Shit.

"Hey, Donna, look at me?" She doesn't. His throat feels dry, his collar too tight, his breathing shallow. He takes a deep breath and continues.

"This isn't what it looks like. I kissed Scottie on the cheek. Right before I shook hands with her fiance. That guy. There." He points to Aayan, just in shot. "Literally all we talked about is you and Mia and babies."

He looks down at the baby now sleeping in his arms, and carefully lowers her into her crib, holding his breath. To his relief, she settles, and he sits back down next to Donna on the bed. She still won't look at him.

"When did you last sleep with her?"

He furrows his brow, puzzled. "You know that. When she and I were together. Why?"

"I always wondered. That time when you lied about meeting her," Donna whispers.

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

"I wish you could trust that I've chosen you. I have no regrets, Donna, none. Let me be clear: I'm right where I want to be. I'm happy."

"But look at her. And look at me. I don't fit into any of my clothes, and I have nothing to talk about and..."

It breaks his heart to see all her confidence gone. He crouches on the floor next to her, taking her hands in his, and looks up at her downturned face. "Hey. You'll always be my Donna. It isn't conditional and any of those things. This is forever, ok?"

She's crying again properly now, and the words tumble out of her. "It's just… I wasn't sure… Things were up and down last year. After that night at the hospital, we didn't ever say it… say this is it, we're together."

"Donna, we live together, we have a house together, a baby together, we say I love you - we just are together, aren't we? What's missing?"

"But don't you...I can't… we haven't"

He raised a quizzical eyebrow and makes her laugh through her tears.

She gathers herself together a little, wipes her eyes on the sleeve of her robe. "I'm trying to be serious here, Harvey. We don't sleep together anymore."

"That's normal, isn't it? You just gave birth."

"It's three months ago. Even the doctor says I should be ready."

"I'm pretty sure the doctor wouldn't have phrased it like that."

"Don't you… miss it?"

"Of course I do. But what kind of asshole would I be if I was pressuring you? I can wait, Donna."

He stands up and sits back on the bed, and pulls her into a hug.

"What if it isn't good now?" she murmurs onto his shoulder.

"Because of the surgery? If there are problems, then we will talk to a doctor."

"What if it isn't good for you?"

He pulls back, and looks at her. "It'll always be good, because it's me and you together."

"Do you want to do it now?"

He looks at her appraisingly. "Do you want to? Not because you think you should or you need to do it to keep my attention. Because you don't."

"She bites her lip and nods. I think I do. I want to get it over with."

He lets out a low chuckle. "I'll overlook that blow to my ego."

He leans forward and kisses her gently, waiting until he feels her relax, hears a soft moan before he takes things any further. If it's only about her tonight, that's ok with him. After everything her body has been through, he just wants to make her feel good, to see the beauty in herself that he sees, and restore her faith that he loves her like this.

…

Afterwards, he's holding her close, their bodies entangled, sweaty and satiated. He's beyond tired, but he's savoring whatever time they have together before Mia wakes. He'd laughed at Donna wanting to get their first time over with, but in truth he's relieved that they have, and that she enjoyed it, the initial pain giving way to pleasure, tension to release. It was very different to the other times they'd been together. It was exploratory and tentative and they were both nervous: he was scared of hurting her, she was afraid it would hurt. But it felt amazing to be close that way again, and - well, it's a start.

It's playing on his mind that Donna was so quick to assume the worst about him tonight. After how hard he has been trying, it really stings, though he knows it's probably more about her own insecurities than genuine mistrust.

He wonders if it's time to get out the small package that his mother surreptitiously passed to him when she visited. But he decides to stick to his instincts: he wants to pick the right time to ask her the question that's been on the tip of his tongue so many times lately. A time when they're both happy and secure, and marriage will feel like an enthusiastic choice they're both making, not an attempt to fix something broken, or a thing that Donna can worry he's doing out of obligation.

He just needs to be patient with her. Tonight felt like progress. He looks at her sleeping in his arms. He loves her so goddamn much. He hopes the time will be right soon.

My slowest ever update - covid in the house three times in two months has been a killer! Thanks so much for all the reviews on the last chapter. I'd love to know what you think about this one. Just one more chapter to go :-)