Chapter 23 - Tears
It was painful. To know that what you felt wasn't supposed to be felt. To acknowledge that the thing that had bloomed in your heart was something that stabbed your heart. To understand that all of this couldn't happen. That this kind of love was forbidden…
Eira was sobbing as she walked under the cold night. Her heart was crumbling, after being trampled by the words by the man she loved. The man she loved who she wasn't supposed to love. But what could she do?
Nothing.
Just like the emptiness that was created after his words trampled her heart. There was a hole, an open wound, painful, excruciating.
It felt like the trees were mocking her. It felt like the wind that slapped her face was ridiculing her. It felt like the couples who were holding hands on the street were sneering at her.
She wanted to run, hiding from the world, burying herself in the soil and pretending that she didn't exist.
Her love wasn't a one-sided one. Cor felt the same feeling as her.
They loved each-other. But he rejected her, because the world would find them being together as a mistake. Because it was a crime to be loved by a man far older than her. Because it was a crime for the man to love a woman twenty four years younger than him.
If only she was older. If only he was younger.
If only…
If only…
Eira wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Walking into a smaller alleyway, she stopped to open her bag and take her phone hastily. She wanted to leave this place, not wanting Cor to realize that she was actually leaving the diner and chase her. Ah, but surely he wouldn't chase her. He was the one who rejected her, why would he look for her?
Biting her lower lips, she tried hard not to sob too hard. Indeed she was hiding in this alleyway. In the shadow, next to the trash can and piled of old magazines, and no one would notice that there was someone there.
But it hurt. It hurt. It was too painful. And soft sobbing still left her throat, even though she tried hard not to cry.
Cor and her loved each other.
But they couldn't be together.
They wouldn't be together.
They shouldn't be together.
All of the memories they made. All of the smiles and laughs he gave her when they were together. All of them were destroyed into pieces, into the fragments of the past that stabbed every inch of her soul, made her bleed and drown in her own blood.
They wouldn't have dinner together anymore. They wouldn't watch movies together anymore. Spending time at the game center, walking home to the station, shopping at small shops in the neighborhood; it wouldn't happen anymore. For the man had already stated that he couldn't return her feelings. And it would be meaningless to continue spending time together.
"I'm sorry…"
And from now on, they would return as they were half a year ago. Mere acquaintance. A marshal and a medic who rarely talked to each other. Just acquaintances whose interaction was only to greet each other in the hallway with a simple nod.
"Eira?" The voice from the other end of the phone averted Eira's attention from her thoughts.
"Liz… Can you pick me?" she said with a quivering voice.
"Um? I thought you were going to go home with Marshal as usual…"
"Please," she cut off Liz's sentence.
"Something's wrong… Are you okay?" Liz sounded worried, but Eira didn't reply.
"I'll send the map," Eira said.
"Okay… I'll get there as soon as I can."
After sending her location to Lizette, Eira locked her phone then clutched it in her hand. She threw her back against the wall, staring at the sky with no stars above.
Insomnia's sky was polluted by the light anyway. Too many lights from the buildings prevented anyone from seeing the stars. But, even if she could see the stars right now, she wouldn't admire it for the pain that clouded her right now.
"Ah… Foolish…" a dry laugh leaving her throat. She smiled, mocking herself for confessing to Cor.
It was just that she didn't want him to think that she liked Prompto because they talked too often whenever they met. Ah, she could've just said that Prompto wasn't her type and everything would be fine though.
But now when she was thinking of it, Cor told her that her love wasn't a one-sided one. Then, was Cor just being jealous because of Prompto so he wanted to know about her feelings in that way?
"Stupid Cor…" she muttered.
She questioned herself. Why should she say that she liked Cor romantically? Why didn't she keep it a secret and let their relationship as it was? Now that they already knew each other's feelings, things wouldn't be the same anymore.
Cor wouldn't invite her to dinner again. She wouldn't send emails to him again. They wouldn't spend time together again…
It was over.
It was over before it even started.
For the first time in her life, she was glad that she wasn't a regular crownsguard. Eira, who usually was jealous with the crownsguard because Cor trained them, now was glad that she was just a medic. She didn't need to see him everyday, so this rejection wouldn't affect her job. Well, she could just ask her mother to change all her shifts to the morning one so she wouldn't see Cor walking past the infirmary in the afternoon.
Even though deep in her heart she still wanted to see Cor in the citadel despite that he rejected her. She couldn't easily bury her feelings, and pretended that she didn't love him, right?
She wasn't even sure that she would stop loving him or not. Certainly, it would be hard to forget about her first love, wouldn't it?
.
.
.
"Are you okay?" Liz asked soon as Eira shut the car door.
Eira sighed then threw her back against the seat. "I just confessed to Cor."
"What?!" Lizette yelped, then quickly turned her head to Eira. "Then?"
"He rejected me." Eira muttered.
Without saying anything Lizette got out of the car, only to come to the back seat and sit next to Eira. The brown-haired crownsguard gently pulled Eira and hugged her.
Eira hid her face on Liz's shoulder then began to sob again. She cried hard, wailing like a child and not holding back.
It was the first time for her to cry in front of others like this.
Eira rarely cried. And from her vague memories, the last time she cried was when she was ten. That was when she stumbled and fell and scraped her knees.
And now, she didn't expect that she would cry from broken-heart.
It was painful. Like the swords were stabbing her chest. Like the nails were piercing her heart.
It was painful.
And it took around fifteen minutes until she stopped crying.
"Sorry…" she wiped her face then looked at Liz's damp shirt.
"No need to…" Lizette patted Eira's head gently. "I'll be here if you want to talk,"
"Um… Hehehe… Thanks." Eira looked at Lizette, happy for her kindness. Liz was clearly curious about what was happening. But, Eira didn't have any strength to talk. "But… maybe later."
"Got it." Lizette smiled. Eira was glad that Liz wasn't demanding this time. Unlike the other time when she insisted on knowing who Eira's crush was.
"So, want to go straight home?" Lizette asked.
Eira nodded, "Yeah…"
"Okay." Lizette caressed Eira's head, "Hope you'll cheer up soon."
Eira just gave a thin smile and Lizette got off from the car to return to the driver seat.
Leaning against the seat, Eira shut her eyes, and tried hard not to think about anything.
It hurt...
[ Happy Glacian Day. I wasn't training in the citadel. Home all day. ]
[ Sorry for today. I can't return to Insomnia yet. ]
[ Probably a stray. It was in the citadel. ]
A wry smile passed over Eira's face as she re-read the emails from Cor. When they were first received, there were hundreds of butterflies fluttering in her stomach. But now… it was just pain. It hurt her when she read it. But still, she didn't want to delete it. Even after the rejection, those were her treasure.
Locking her phone, she then saw the picture taken in the shooting range last week.
Funny, they were so happy and everything was so fine before. But today, their relationship crumbled.
She didn't know whether confessing her feelings to Cor was a good thing or not. Obviously, the two of them couldn't stay friends forever, right?
She kept denying it, but her relationship with the marshal wasn't normal either-prior the confession.
A young woman in her eighteen, and a man in his forty two. As friends? That was obviously a joke.
She always avoided thinking about it, but she realized that their friendship wasn't healthy either. What if someone sees? What if someone caught them having dinner together, having a date together in the movie, or when they walk home together? Or when Cor offered a ride home?
It would create the rumor.
Ah... probably this was for the best.
The confession and his rejection would stop them from being together. And there wouldn't be any scandal.
Even though they weren't even in a relationship.
Yes, yes, they liked each other romantically. But they didn't do anything. They hid their feelings from each other almost perfectly. Even now when she thought of it, she actually realized Cor's feeling toward her-especially when she visited his house. But there were no words to prove it, so she always thought that it was only her imagination.
And now when they already stated their feelings, they should throw them away. Cor, knowing well that falling in love with a woman half his age wasn't a good thing to do. And, Eira, knowing well that Cor couldn't accept her feelings. She understood their situation… She should do… And she better find another man to love… But… She wasn't sure she would be able to.
She loved Cor…
She really did...
Moreover, why did things turn out to be like this?
Months ago she just admired him as a man she really respected. Not romantically.
Why then did she fall in love with him?
Why?
Why should it be him?
Why not another man her age?
Why the marshal?
Why not another crownsguard who was younger than him?
Lines of tears rolled down again to her cheeks which were still red from her previous lament. She then covered her face with the pillow, sobbing into the soft cushion which muffled her voice.
She remembered the first time they had dinner together. It was so awkward, yet so pleasant. It was the first time she stayed so close with the marshal for more than five minutes. It was the first time they were together in a situation where she didn't need to heal him. It was the first time she witnessed his smiles and laughs from close. She was hovering in happiness at that time, but now remembering those sweet memories… it just hurt her.
And then her head began to play another scene without her permission. A beautiful winter day when they watched a movie. She sat next to him, and she still remembered how cute Cor was because he shaved for their date. Even now she could remember his fresh and soft fragrance, mingled with his musk which made her heart throb uncontrollably.
Has Cor liked her since then?
Her mind played another scene. That one at Cor's house when they stood in front of each other. He softly tucked her hair, slipped it behind her ear. They were so close, so close. But never closer.
Never closer.
Did Cor really want to kiss her that time?
She wanted to curse the world. For making such a rule that it was immoral for a man like him to be with a young woman like her.
She wanted to curse the world. Because she was born too late.
She wanted to curse the world. Because he was born too early.
And she knew that even if Cor accepted her confession and they became a couple, her parents wouldn't allow them. Her mother would kill the marshal. Her father would kill his friend.
The world would see him in disgust. An old man dating a teenager. Disgusting, huh?
She wanted to scream. She wanted to wail. Letting out her anger to the world. But she couldn't.
She didn't want her mother to be awake and know that her daughter was crying because she fell in love with a forty two years old man.
She didn't want her father to awaken and know that his daughter's heart was broken because of his friend.
She sobbed. In a whisper. In a silence.
Crying…
Sobbing…
Sniffling…
Sobbing…
Cursing the world…
Crying...
She didn't know how long she was crying. What she knew was her eyelids were heavy. Good thing that tomorrow is Sunday and she didn't need to go to the citadel with swollen eyes.
Cor…
"I can't return your feelings."
She loved him. And she didn't know if she would be able to move on and love another man.
"Is it a one-sided love?"
"Eira…"
"Just that… Please answer me…"
"It's not…"
She was angry at the world.
She hated it…
She hated it…
"Cor… I love you…"
She hated it…
"I love you…"