prologue - ch. 3: i will eat you like a cookie (and not in the fun way)

"Off With Your Head!"

With that, I looked up. I peeked to where I saw off-brand Clemence and octoman and saw that they got the Grimlord.

"Took them long enough," I muttered sarcastically and slipped my phone and AirPods back into the waistband of my pants. I was able to play 4 songs in the time they were gone. I mean, I'm not complaining. But still, if you have the gall to collar other people over being a minute late to teatime or someshit, don't take forever to catch a raccoon/cat/demon hybrid.

"MYAH?! What are you doing?!" The dumbass Grimlord cried, tugging at his newly gained collar.

"The Queen of Heart's Rule 23: 'One must never bring a cat to a formal affair.' Your very presence here is a violation of order. You will vacate these premises immediately," Offbrand Clemence replied with a flourish.

Wow, he's dramatic in real life too. I mean, everyone in this game is absolutely fucking melodramatic but actually seeing and hearing it in real life is funky. But honestly, the fact that I've got to redo the prologue all over again was tedious. I popped in my AirPods, started Spotify, and prayed I'd get a decent shuffled song out of my 1,800 liked songs. Thankfully, Star Lost by Stray Kids began to play, and I turned up the volume so it'd reverberate in my bones.

With that, I just blankly stared at the stone walls of the Mirror Chamber while waiting for the Crow-man to address me after octo-man, offbrand Clemence, and the Grimlord were done with their parts.

"UTSUGI!" Crow-man cried after a minute or two, and I looked back at his feathery self, "Was I not clear that you are expected to take responsibility for your familiar? Now discipline your—"

"Sir," I cut in politely, "I have never seen that dumbass demon cat before in my life."

I mean, I'm technically not lying because I haven't seen him before in real life.

"Oh...Is that so?" He responded slightly bashfully and coughed lightly, "Then I shall have it expelled from campus. I shall even spare it from being served as dinner. My, but I AM kind. ...Someone take this away, please."

With that, Grimlord was taken away by some random NPC, and he started screaming.

"Nooooo! Let me gooooo! You fools better remember my name! Cause I'm gonna go down in the annals of magic history! Just you wait!"

"Yeah right, motherfucker!" I screamed back at him because I was feeling spiteful.

Honestly, I had more sympathy when I was on the other side of the screen because he's cute, and he's like a demon cat. But now that he tried to char me for the fancy-ass ceremony robes that don't fit me and sure as hell wouldn't for him, that sympathy went down the drain. And besides, he'd come back later to bother me when I'm exiled to Ramshackle.

"Well, that was quite the unexpected fracas. I hereby declare that orientation has concluded," Crow-man finished, "Housewardens, please escort your students back to the dorms. ...Hm? Come to think of it, I don't see Housewarden Draconia of House Diasomnia anywhere."

"And that surprises you? Dude's a total recluse," a kinda hot boy with lion ears, who's totally not Leona Kingscholar, responded.

"Wait a sec... Did anyone even invite him?"

No, Kalim darling, it seems they didn't.

"If you're that worried about him missing out, maybe you should have told him yourself," the blonde/purple haired mayo hater replied.

"Maybe, but I don't know him too well either…"

Honestly, so true darling.

"Draconia... Like, Malleus Draconia? THAT Draconia?" An NPC said to another.

"So it's true? He really does go to school here?"

"Yikes," another one chimed in.

Oh fuck, I forgot about Malleus. Poor tall, dark, and handsome baby who legit never gets invited to anything. If I'm stuck here, at the very least, I'll invite him to go get some ice cream together in a friendshippy way.

"Ah. Just as I'd expected," a smaller figure with a deep voice sighed, "I figured I'd come down and see for myself whether Malleus had made an appearance. But once again, he was evidently not informed that his presence was required at an official ceremony."

Oh, oh mah gahd, IT'S DRACULAURA, BUT HE'S GREEN! Aka my legit favorite character in this whole game besides Grim and Che'nya. I started fangirling in my head because I refuse to let these fucks have something on me.

"You have my sincerest apologies. I assure you, this oversight was in no way intended as a snub," Octo-man said with a slightly condescending tone.

"I mean, you must admit, he's not exactly the easiest person to strike up a conversation with," Offbrand Clemence replied.

"No matter," Green Draculaura sighed with slight disappointment, "All who were assigned to House Diasomnia, follow me. I just hope he doesn't sulk about this."

With that–fuck I keep on saying with that–the crowd dispersed with them leaving for their respective dorms.

Crow-man turned to me. "Well, Utsugi. This is a most unfortunate turn of events. I'm afraid that you will not be attending Night Raven College after all. Surely you realize that I cannot very well admit a student with no magical ability to my academy. But worry not. The Dark Mirror will see you safely home. Now, step into the gate, and visualize the place you whence you came."

"Nah, that's a-ok sir. I have some gaming to do back home and a shit ton of homework."

He seemed a bit surprised at that, but I gave him a thumbs up and plopped myself back into the coffin. Honestly, this could be a really vivid lucid dream, and I could just be in a wacky ass coma. But this was really exciting and all, but I just wanted to sleep in my bed filled with random plushies and sherpa blankets.

"O Dark Mirror! Return this soul to where it belongs!"

The mirror kept quiet.

Crow-man coughed, "L-let us, er...try this again. O Dark Mirror! Return this soul—"

"There is no such place."

"What?"

"There is no place in this world where this soul belongs. None."

"Wooooahh, does that mean I don't exist? That's crazy," I cut in sarcastically.

"Utsugi, hush," Crow-man admonished before referring back to the mirror, "How can that be? My, but today is a veritable cavalcade of impossible phenomena!"

The mirror remained silent once more.

"This has never happened throughout my long tenure. I must confess that I am at something of a loss. Tell me: From what land do you hail?"

"Oh, I'm from like Japan, but I lived in America for a bit for a couple movies."

"I'm afraid I am not familiar with such a place."

"How about the planet, Earth?"

"I am intimately acquainted with the origins of every student who has ever come here, and yet... This mysterious homeland of yours eludes me. Let us go to the library and look it up, shall we?"

Bro, you're not going to find it. I'm like a legit dimension traveler. Maybe I can put that on my resume?