Chapter Eighty-Five
"Mm, yes, Nicky, yes," Lorna cried out as she felt the cusp of an orgasm starting at her feet and making it all the way through to her head. The bed shook beneath them from how intense the sensation was. How overwhelmed and overpowered it left Lorna feeling once the immense waves of pleasure finally subsided. Nicky's fingers gradually released from the inside of her vagina and in a matter of seconds she felt Nicky's hands grabbing onto her head, bringing it closer until a softness of warmth radiated underneath it. The let go of Nicky's hands gave her the ability to turn her head once more and she wasn't shocked to realize her head was resting on her girlfriend's bare chest.
"Fuck," Nicky breathed out, "That was fucking hot, kid." Fingers raked through the dark brown waves of hair that spilled over her chest. She tilted her head sufficiently so her lips were able to effortlessly stroke on the top of Lorna's head. It took a few minutes of silently stroking Lorna's hair for her breath to ease back into a normal rhythm. When it had, she used both of her hands to take Lorna's face in them and gradually brought it up to right in front of her own.
A warm, soft, kiss was planted onto Lorna's lips. With her hand cupped securely around the crown of her head, she closed her eyes and naturally allowed their lips to glide together, growing deeper and deeper by the second. It lasted until both were near blue in the face from desperately needing air refilled in their lungs. They chuckled simultaneously and Nicky pulled the comforter from underneath their bodies, maneuvering them so that the cover was over top rather than under now.
Nicky pulled Lorna completely onto her own body, snaking both arms around her bare waist and back. A sigh escaped her as she tilted her head, staring compassionately down at the girl lying in her arms. Hands massaged tenderly around the flesh of Lorna's spine. With no clothes covering the area, it was easy for Nicky's hands to notice the bones blatantly protruding out. Such sensation instantly molded a knot in the pit of her stomach. The lower of her lips inverted and teeth grinded into her tongue.
Lorna was much skinnier now than she was fully clothed. By the bony feel of her spine, Nicky concluded that Lorna was deathly skinny. Worrisome skinny. Teeth chattering skinny. Hair on her arms sticking up from goosebumps skinny. She had to cover her mouth with a hand to keep from allowing any inaudible gasps involuntarily coming through. The amount of bones she felt as she massaged her hand along the top of her spine to the lower portion shook her. Made her wonder how long Lorna had truly been starving herself. Clearly, it had to have been going on for at least since they met but Nicky feared it was even longer.
Yet, as she looked down at Lorna and saw the beaming grin on her face, she knew now was not a good time to voice her concerns. Lorna needed one night without talk of her eating disorder, Nicky concluded. Even though she loathed the idea of putting this off. But she didn't have the heart to cause that angelic smile to fade from Lorna's face. Lorna deserved to feel good, to feel happy. Fuck, Nicky thought, Lorna had a lifetime of agony in a matter of four years. One night of being happy with Nicky wasn't going to change anything. It would only give Lorna peace of mind, which—without a doubt—she deserved. More than fucking deserved.
So, Nicky pushed aside her worries and let herself stay in this moment with Lorna. She curved her lips into a smile and pressed her chin lovingly onto the top of Lorna's head. Fingers from one hand drew soft circles along her spine while fingers from her other hand brushed delicately through dark strands of brown hair. "Yeah," she murmured, eyes gazing out towards the window right behind her dresser. "I could stay like this forever. Just holding you and not thinking about anything else. God. I love you so much, Lorna. I mean I know it's true love because I am nothin' but a puddle of mush these days. And that doesn't even bother me." The revelation was quickly followed with a warm chuckle.
Her chuckle was followed by a chuckle from Lorna. "I guess love can do magical things to ya, hon. Because love is like magic but betta. My mom always told me there's nothin' like love and finding love. And I think she's right on that. I love love."
Lips pressed softly onto the flesh of her forehead. Nicky held Lorna's face in her hands, hovering it above her own, and peered intently into her eyes. She noticed a twinge of pain blink through them and traced a thumb along the skin underneath one of her eyes. "It's okay to be sad, doll, I know it's hard without your mom. You don't have to hide your pain from me. You're allowed to feel. Feeling is the key to healing, babe."
Lorna snorted on a giggle despite the sensation of tears threatening to fall from beneath her eyes. She framed her own hands around Nicky's cheeks, returning her gaze with a fierce one of her own. "What are ya now, hon? A therapist? I think you're spending too much time listening to Dr. Washington," she stated but allowed another light-hearted giggle to escape after.
"Hey, Dr. Poussey has wise words. And it's true. That feeling is the key to healing. Because if you don't let yourself feel, kid, you'll be stuck in this endless circle of self-destruction. I don't want you struggling in that mess. It's not good for you. I'm sorry," Nicky muttered, shoulders falling back with a forceful sigh. "I didn't mean to turn this into a serious conversation, kid. But I saw that look in your eyes when ya mentioned your mom and it made me think. Have you actually grieved for her? Or when you were telling us she was on a business trip, did you believe that too? I'm not trying to upset you, doll, I'm just really wondering and wanting to understand."
Air came in through Lorna's nose upon absorbing the information her ears had just taken in. She couldn't look at Nicky in that moment and decided on shaking her head slightly from her grasp in order to let it fall back onto her chest. Where she could easily turn it and hide her face against it. Where she could prevent Nicky from seeing the tears spill from her eyes. Despite her hiding face, her arms draped securely around Nicky's upper torso. Lips brushed gingerly over where her heart resided inside.
Albeit Lorna's attempts of hiding her tears by pressing her face into her chest, Nicky felt the warm liquid against her skin and immediately strengthened her arms around her waist. A crack in her heart coursed through her flesh. She swallowed a lump down, having a sense that Lorna likely hadn't grieved fully for her mother. If Lorna had allowed herself to grieve she wouldn't have felt the need to tell her and everyone else that Mrs. Morello was living in another state for some suspicious business trip.
"You wanna talk about it, baby?" Nicky spoke, keeping her voice low and soft against the rim of one of Lorna's ears. Fingers brushed slowly from the back of her head up to the top. It broke her heart to know how ashamed her girlfriend was to let anyone in. To let anyone see she had emotions and pain lurking so deeply inside of her. To think she didn't have the right to feel those feelings. Nicky's heart sored heavily for Lorna and her hidden agony.
"Talk about what?"
The words came out in a highly strained voice. The only way she could talk without it being obvious she was crying. Nicky didn't deserve to see her cry. To have witness her pain and at the same time try to take on Lorna's pain. That wasn't Nicky's pain to endure, Lorna told herself. Nicky needn't be caught up in all that. She was already caught up in way too much of Lorna's shit. Why allow it to keep piling up and up? It wasn't fair and it wasn't fucking right.
The more tears that fell the stronger the urge Lorna had to pull away. But she didn't. She wanted to stay as close to Nicky as she could. She wanted to be in Nicky's arms, to feel loved and safe. Something she hadn't felt in a long while since before Mrs. Morello got cancer and passed away. Nicky made her feel all of those things and she craved that. But also knew, in her heart, how justly unworthy she was of Nicky's compassion. Her affection, gentle touches and loving cuddles. Lorna didn't earn that. She didn't do anything that would ever deem her worthy of such things.
And, yet, despite how unworthy she felt she had not the energy to pull herself away from any of it. Not tonight. She worked so hard to have this time with Nicky today, she wasn't throwing it out just because a part of her wanted her to be alone with her own self-hatred. There was all the time in the world to give into the darkness, one day without doing that wouldn't make much of a difference.
With her eyes squeezed shut, Nicky drew Lorna closer and nuzzled her chin lightly atop her head. Arms hugged softly around Lorna's body, pulling her even closer in the process. It felt like she couldn't get her close enough. Lorna was everything to her, she breathed in. Lorna's pain deserved to be recognized and brought to light. She loved Lorna and each part that made Lorna Lorna. Which included her pain, her insecurities, and her scars. All of that made Lorna who she was and who Nicky adored oh so intensely. There wasn't a human Nicky adored more than the one in her arms right then and there. No one would ever worm their way into her heart the way Lorna so easily had.
"Why you're crying and trying to hide it from me. I can feel your tears on my body, sweetheart. You don't have to be afraid to let me see you cry," her husky voice warmly assured the younger teen. A thumb soothingly tucked a loose brown hair beneath the flesh of one of Lorna's ears. She felt Lorna mold closer into her front and a sense of compassion came over her.
Her head tilted slightly and eyes peered down to see Lorna's hand reaching to quickly wipe at the bottom of her eyelids. Such a vision only continued to shatter Nicky's heart. She reached her own hand down and set it atop Lorna's, taking it away from her face and bringing it nearer to hers. Lips gently found their way onto each of Lorna's pale knuckles, kissing them one-by-one.
"It's not a bad thing to cry, Lorna. You're allowed to and you don't have to be afraid of me seeing you cry. I'm not gonna think any less of you for it. Never would I, baby. You've always been so scared of letting me see you upset or hurt, yeah?" More kisses were pressed around the hand she held until the sound of a faint sniffle caught her attention. She took Lorna's hand and laid it on her chest, stroking the top of it over and over with the palm of her own.
Lorna grinded down on her bottom lip to stop it from visibly trembling. The sniffle had caught her off-guard. She hadn't meant for it to escape, didn't even know one was going to. But it did, nevertheless, and there wasn't much she could do to prevent it. Hell, she barely had the stamina to even say anything back to Nicky right yet. Just trying to catch her breath was challenging enough. Having to form a coherent response on top of that proved to be merely impossible.
Her face nuzzled closer to the warm skin underneath it. She let Nicky's words absorb inside her mind and realized exactly how honest and true they were. Letting anyone, especially Nicky, see her pain or her tears was the biggest sign of defeat. The biggest sign of failure. That would only show how weak she was, how much of a failure she happened to be deep within. All of which Lorna was not okay with allowing to come to fruition. Not any time soon, at the least.
It had been so long since she freely let herself cry, let herself experience emotion, that Lorna couldn't exactly remember what that was like. To feel. Not just to numb herself out. It was easier to numb than to feel. She liked it that way. The easier way. If she were walking down a hallway and had to choose between the path of numbness or the path of emotion she knew, with intense certainty, she would choose the numbness path. It wouldn't even be a thought. It wouldn't be something she'd have to ponder over; she'd just walk naturally in said direction. Not even blink her eyes.
The silence did nothing to ease Nicky's concerns. But it also wasn't a surprise. She knew Lorna wouldn't say anything, wouldn't admit to being scared of her vulnerability showing. Lorna was afraid of being afraid. Afraid of what showing her rawness to others would do, what it would make them think of her. Nicky sighed. She rubbed the palm of her hand slowly up and down Lorna's bare back while giving a soft kiss to the top of her head. It was never an easy task getting Lorna to open up to her. And that wasn't even what she planned to do tonight, really. But seeing the pain so clearly trying keep itself from projecting out of Lorna's eyes, Nicky couldn't ignore that. She couldn't ignore her girlfriend's pain in the way Lorna so easily had.
Seeing it brought her back to reality. Made her remember how much and how long Lorna had kept herself trapped in her own world. How she put on this extravagant act around not only her but everyone else as well. Lorna likely never truly grieved the death of her mother. No, Nicky thought, Lorna was too worried about how it would make her look to other people. Too worried how if anyone knew she lost a parent they'd think some way or another about her to really just let the grief run its course.
Another huff of air made its way through Nicky's windpipe. Hand remained stroking all along the skin of Lorna's spine as she rested her chin over the top of her head. It hurt knowing how hard Lorna worked to keep herself locked in a mental barrel. Just so she wouldn't, as she proclaimed, burden the people around her. Her head shook the more she thought about it. Lorna didn't deserve to suffer the way she had; she didn't deserve the kind of treatment she showed to herself.
"Please talk to me, Lorna. Tell me what's upsetting you. Is it your mom? Did bringing her up hurt?" Nicky murmured her questions soothingly against the top of the head her chin rested on. Fingers were placed to the side and gently massaged around Lorna's scalp, hoping to soothe away some of the discomfort she happened to be experiencing.
Stomach flipped each time Lorna tried to get the courage to open her mouth. And when she did finally open her mouth long enough to speak, she couldn't get any words to come out. Only a few sniffles and snuffles. She tightened her arms around Nicky's shoulders and turned her head a slight amount so that if Nicky looked down she could actually see her face. That was hard enough without even forming words to respond with. Knowing how puffy her eyes had to be from the numerous tears she had felt streaming from them for the past several minutes.
Lorna was certain she looked a mess as she lay bare on her girlfriend. Mentally, she felt a complete mess. Felt like all she could do was try to breathe without any sniffles sneaking their way through. She swallowed saliva that had formed a puddle at the bottom of her tongue and closed her eyes. Not wanting to see Nicky's expression when she finally decided on getting a look at her.
Nicky felt the movement of Lorna's head and naturally tilted her own to stare down at her. A sigh escaped when she saw how tightly shut Lorna's eyes were. She stroked her hand from her scalp down to her face, cradling around a cheek once it made the journey all the way there. "Open your eyes, kid. I wanna look at you. Please. You don't need to be scared of your pain being seen by me, I promise," Nicky lovingly reassured her, pressing the palm of her hand delicately into the flesh of the cheek it snuggled around.
"Nicky, my eyes are a mess. I can tell they're puffy from how heavy they feel. I don't want ya to see that. Can we just go to sleep, please? I wanna be prepared for school tom—"
"Doll, we don't even know if you're able to go to school tomorrow yet. Ma's gonna call your doctor and ask what she recommends. But we're not discussing that because you'll just try to argue it. Right now we need to talk about what you're feeling," Nicky interjected, letting her arms bring Lorna closer to her. A strong, gentle, squeeze was given to the smaller teen. "Why don't ya want me to see your eyes? It doesn't bother me to see them if they're puffy or not. I love your eyes, doll, they're beautiful because they're yours. And everything about you is beautiful to me."
The comment evoked another round of tears to form at the rim of her eyelids. Lorna tried her hardest to keep them in but after only a few seconds, she could no longer do so. The tears had a mind of their own and fell without much of a warning. There was no more stopping them. She had no choice but to let them freely stream along her already puffy and chapped cheeks from the earlier round. Sighing morphed into involuntary sniffling. Lorna had no ability to control them. Which, in turn, made her feel utterly out of control. She loathed such a feeling.
A hard swallow. Several breaths drew in to even out the sniffling. Lorna still struggled on what to say, what to share. Was it really that bad of an idea to open up to Nicky more? Would it end in her death? Clearly not. No one died from talking to their loved ones about how they felt or things they'd gone through. But that didn't stop Lorna's mind from running with such irrational, illogical, thoughts. She swallowed harder. This time a thick lump formed in her throat and wouldn't dissipate the more she swallowed.
"But I don't have the appointment card, Nicky. Mr. Chapman does and I'm not going back there to get it. I don't wanna ever see them again," Lorna finally managed to speak once again, hands reaching up to her face and smooshing it out of frustration. The motion did nothing to ease any of the tension. Only intensified her irritation towards anything and everything. But mostly the fucking Chapmans.
Fingers traced warmly up along the length of each of Lorna's arms. Nicky dropped a soothing kiss atop her head while a heaping breath expelled from her windpipe. "We'll figure it out, doll. Don't stress over it. Not tonight, yeah?"
An identical breath made its way through Lorna's airway seconds later. Her head bobbed slightly as she nuzzled even closer to the radiating warmth Nicky's body naturally gave off. She lifted her head a small amount, looking up into Nicky's soft brown eyes. Soft brown eyes which peered back in such overwhelming compassion. Compassion so strong it made even more tears fall from Lorna's own brown ones. The lump in her throat doubled and she couldn't seem to catch her breath.
"I really don't know what I did, hon. I really don't."
Nicky arched an eyebrow, raising her hands and placing one on either side of the brunette's face. The corners of her mouth curved into a displeased frown. "What are you talking about, kid?" Voice lowly questioned, breath warmly heating Lorna's mouth and flesh underneath it. She ran her thumb delicately around Lorna's cheek. "You didn't do anything. You've done nothing wrong, baby. I'm not sure what you're trying to say."
Lower lip gradually sucked inside of her mouth beneath her top lip. Lorna drew in a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and let it dissipate its way back out of her. One of her hands raised upwards and mirrored Nicky, cupping around the flesh of one of her cheeks. Their eyes melded together and she could feel her throat constricting to observe the tears Nicky's brown ones held. That was her own doing. She swallowed uneasily, looking deeper and deeper into them. The reason for her hidden pain hadn't even been disclosed yet and Nicky was already crying for her. What would being open with her about it do to her?
Many a questions whirled through Lorna's mind the longer her eyes lingered on Nicky's. The idea that Nicky already hurting for her without even knowing the reason behind Lorna's tears only made the thought of revealing said reason that much more of a challenge for Lorna. She couldn't find it in her to worsen any of that by answering her questions with why she had been upset. Nicky needed to stop taking on her pain, Lorna recognized. It was too much for she, herself, to handle. The thought of another human taking on her own sufferings made her organs twist and churn inside. Strengthened the guilt she was all too familiar with.
"I guess I just wonder what I did to be so lucky to have you in my life. I mean it, hon. I have no idea what I did. I feel like I haven't done anything good to earn someone as compassionate and kind as you in my life. And I don't really do anything good for you either so it just overwhelms me sometimes to think about. Why I would deserve to have the most loving girlfriend when all I do is cause her pain and worry and stress. I haven't even explained why you think I am hiding my own hurt and ya already look like you're upset. That's all I'm good at, hon, is causing you pain even though I never even mean to."
Lorna's words began to jumble together and from the expression on her face it wasn't difficult for Nicky to make out the ever-growing tension. She moved a hand to the crown of her head and her other hand to Lorna's spine, both were softly patted by her palms. "You need to take a second to just breathe, babe. You're speaking so fast it's hard for me to understand you. Let's just catch your breath, yeah?"
Hands massaged slowly up and down along her spine and the scalp of her head. "Shh, shh," her words murmured softly into the rim of Lorna's ear. Fingers drew soft circles around the crown of her head, lips very lightly touching onto the flesh of her ear. "Shh, it's all okay. I've got ya, baby. You don't need to stress yourself out, yeah? Just take some deep breaths and talk slower. You have nothing to fear here, I promise."
Air slowly refilled Lorna's lungs as she felt her body innately relax against the older girl's. Tears came to the tip and Lorna didn't even try to stop them as she sensed their warmth running along her cheeks. Arms reached up and wrapped securely around Nicky's neck where she nestled her face into the crook of. The soft thumping of Nicky's heart against her head provided an intense sensation of comfort. There didn't appear to be anywhere safer than where she happened to be right now. In the warm and affectionate arms of her girlfriend. The one person who never abandoned her, never made her feel dismissed and minimized like her father had on multiple occasions.
As much as it hurt and made her feel inadequate to open up and be honest with Nicky, Lorna knew it might possibly benefit Nicky if she were to have an understanding of the pain and why Lorna had constantly been so adamant on keeping it stowed away from the rest of the world. So, she inhaled fiercely and let the air course through her windpipe until it settled into her lungs. She raised her head a bit from Nicky's chest, deciding it would be easier to talk to her if her mouth wasn't muffled by Nicky's bare-skinned chest.
Their eyes met and Lorna felt her throat constrict somewhat. Nicky held onto a lot of her pain already and it didn't seem fair to keep piling onto that. But Nicky was the one who wanted to know. Lorna tried to convince herself it was okay to be honest with her, that it wouldn't completely rack her heart with guilt down the road. All of which Lorna knew was an absolute lie. She would most definitely be racked with guilt after this—she already fucking was and hadn't even said a damn thing, yet. It wasn't fair for Nicky or anyone else to be burdened with her own traumas. That had been the whole purpose for her secrecy in the first place.
The whole reason she put up the front she did was to keep the people she loved from having to also handle the pain she was divvied out. And yet, here she and Nicky were—Nicky taking it on herself without even knowing the half of it. Lorna swallowed uneasily and faintly shook her head. How the hell was Nicky coping taking on her pain? She wondered. It certainly didn't feel right to allow it to continue escalating.
"I think you should break up with me, hon. I don't want you to but I, uh, I think it would be best for you."
Nicky blinked her eyes in disbelief while tightening her arms around Lorna's waist. She pondered on if she heard her correctly because there was no way what she heard was real. Teeth grinded onto teeth as she tried to process each word. "Why, um, why do ya think that? Have I made you feel like I would ever even think of leaving you, Lorna?" Though her voice tremored faintly, fingers remained stroking from one side of Lorna's face to the other.
"No, no, Nicky you never make me feel any bad type a way—"
A slow nod was given and a breath of air exhaled through her nose. Nicky took the entirety of Lorna's head into both of her hands and held it lovingly out in front of her own. Eyes gazing strongly into Lorna's. "Then, why," she moved her face so her lips were warmly pressing on the rim of Lorna's ear, "why, baby, are ya saying you think I should break up with you? Huh? Why would you think that would be best for me?"
Lorna sucked on her bottom lip, tears building up once more and releasing themselves without a fight down along her cheeks. She swallowed a lump, pressing her face onto Nicky's. Their foreheads and noses melded together in a tender manner. The tightness in her throat made its way into her chest. Breath caught in her windpipe and forced through in the form of an audible sniffle. Of course the last thing she wanted was to be apart from Nicky, to be alone like she'd been before they met. Alone in her mind, struggling to make sense of shit. But she was toxic. And Nicky was way too fucking good for her to be caught up in Lorna's toxicity. Lorna couldn't enable that. It wasn't fair, wasn't right, and wasn't fucking moral at all.
The sound of Nicky's throat clearing brought Lorna back from her thoughts. She hated constantly causing Nicky so much fucking anguish. It was never her intention and yet, somehow, she always managed to do exactly that. Lorna placed her hands on Nicky's cheeks, brushing her fingers delicately along the length of each one. "Because, honey, I-I'm not good for you. I'm not. Okay, I'm toxic and…and all I do is hurt you. I don't even mean to hurt you but somehow I always fucking do and it's not fair to you," the words crackled through a broken and shaken voice. Sniffles and sobs mixed their way in.
"Lorna, what the hell are ya talking about?" Nicky scrunched her face as the words absorbed into her mind. None of them registered as anything that made even a bit of sense. She bit down on her tongue, peering incomprehensibly back at Lorna. A loose strand of hair caught her focus and she used a thumb to stroke it away with. "You're not toxic. You're the least, the absolute fucking least, toxic person there is. Why are you sayin' all this shit? What's wrong, baby?"
"But I am toxic, hon. I cause you pain and that's why I don't think you should be with me anymore—"
"Lorna," Nicky whispered, fingers stroking warmly along her jawline. Lips comfortingly pressed onto Lorna's for a short peck that she hoped would soothe whatever this was away. "I love you. I know you have a lot of fucking shit to work through but that doesn't mean I'm just abandoning you, doll."